Am I out of line?

The fact that she can't live alone does NOT mean that she has to live with YOU.

Have your husband and his brother discussed placement with the psych facility social worker and discharge team?

Many facilities Assisted Living, Memory Care will take someone for "respite" and or to "try out the facility" to see if it is something they would consider.
Find a place that would be among the options that you will, as a family consider and see if MIL can be placed there for 3 to 4 weeks.
This will give you a bit of time to talk about where she should be placed permanently. It is possible that the place you select for the "trial" may work out since she will be used to the routine.
And you can go stay with family members if you quarantine yourself. Personally if a family member called and asked if they could come and stay with me for a while I would not have a problem with saying yes! Or you can find a little vacation spot and go. Since this decision seems to have been made without taking your feelings into consideration you can let hubby deal with the care of MIL.
AND speaking of quarantine...MIL has been in a hospital or psych ward for a week...has she been exposed by any other patient or staff member? If you have children in the house and you are still working what happens if you get sick? MIL should also be quarantined for 14 days. If she tests negative on the day she is released that just means she did not have the virus when she was tested, she could test positive at anytime after that.

You are not out of line.   Tell your DH you cannot manage, and this is too much.

You are NOT out of line. Tell everyone no. The facility will have to find a place to safely discharge he to. I wouldn't even waste time with hubs and family. I would call the facility where she is to talk to discharge. Tell them that care plan is you, and you are not able to provide the necessary care. And that this is an unsAfe discharge.

Lovingly refuse. You are not in any way out of line.

You have major responsibilities now, and the time between now and July IS HUGE.

Your BIL has absolutely no right to request that you assume responsibility for a difficult adult. I am hard pressed to recall anything more unfair than his automatic expectation that you be the person to do this. Why has HE not stepped up? I venture to guess if he were to be directly responsible for a few days, he’d find that his decision making would quickly be moving much faster than in his present plan.

Also you need to realize that once BIL sees “how well Mom is doing with you”, he’ll begin to see that “it will be wonderful for her to stay with you for just a little longer”, and her placement with you will start moving towards permanent.

I hope for your sake that you and your husband can be firm, unemotional, and totally resolute. Not safe in the pandemic, not fair to Mom to be in a temporary situation, not reasonable in a household with young children, themselves in a disrupted schedule........add more of your own, but in fairness and good conscience, SAY “NO”.

I would not do this. I would make it clear that I would not. I would leave the home the day she came into it. Then husband and family can work on where to place Mom. I hope there are friends or other family you could move in with during this transition. It seems you have not voice in a matter and are being treated as slave labor. Supportive is one thing. Slave labor is another. And the truth may be somewhere in between. You have coming into your home here a woman who seems to have got her way the way most get their way. She is in a position of power to change things her way. You are not. You can accept that position and be the helper you have always been, working as teacher and mate and worker. But hopefully you will conclude that at some point it is about you. You recognize what is coming--because every fight you have had, as you said, is about her. Do not think for a second that once she is in the home she will leave again. And what is your husband thinking by coming in and out of the home an elder is in? I say that you make the decision that is best for YOU after much thinking, and then you gently explain to all how it will be and why.
OR you can always volunteer for Sainthood. They will be quite happy to shoot you full of arrows; and after you're dead they will pray to you for eternity to fix everything for them.

AnnReid: "Your BIL has absolutely no right to request that you assume responsibility for a difficult adult. I am hard pressed to recall anything more unfair than his automatic expectation that you be the person to do this. Why has HE not stepped up? I venture to guess if he were to be directly responsible for a few days, he’d find that his decision making would quickly be moving much faster than in his present plan.

Also you need to realize that once BIL sees “how well Mom is doing with you”, he’ll begin to see that “it will be wonderful for her to stay with you for just a little longer”, and her placement with you will start moving towards permanent."

Yes, yes, YES! This is what I wanted to say. MrsBrightside, there is NO motivation for bil to find placement for MIL once she's in your home. Why isn't she being placed "temporarily" in HIS home?

Her behaviors must have been extreme for her to be placed in a psych ward. And now her wellbeing will be YOUR responsibility.

A situation we often find in this forum is that the caregiver who writes in has already taken in the elder. It's a LOT harder to get the elder moved out than it is to never let them move in in the first place. So you are still in a good position here. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN.

Your H probably believes that his brother will find a place for her, and that she will only be in your home for a little while. That is not true.

Please keep us updated. We want to read that a facility was found for you MIL, and that you will NOT be taking care of her when Monday arrives!

Say no.

If you can’t pull the strength to say it for yourself, do it for your kids. Do it for your marriage. Heck, do it for your MIL.

But, DO IT NOW.

No. Calmly, without any emotion. Over and over again. Pull money from your accounts... enough to cover some hotel/housing, etc. for the next month so you can get you and your kids out of there if you are not heard.

Believe me, it is hard enough to live with olders who need caregiving if you have a long history of good feelings. It would be a nightmare with someone you don’t get along with.

Homeschooling while working is already a heavy workload. There is NO WAY adding adversarial caregiving to the mix is a smart idea.

The only way it becomes a viable option is by manipulating someone else’s emotions. The reality will not bear that out when probed. From now on, you deal only with the facts. Do not cry, do not argue, do not get sucked into the emotional side of this.

No offense intended here, but you need to straighten your back and decide - fully and firmly - that this is not an option. And that you will be strong in the face of the displeasure of others. And that you are like a mirror. All you can do is reflect their selfishness and bad arguments back on them.

BIL needs time to “decide” (whatever that means)? Then, BIL houses her or arranges for temporary nursing care elsewhere. If he gets to “decide”, then you have zero responsibility. I am guessing you don’t go to his home and cook or clean for him, so why in the world would you (or your husband) allow his desires dictate what happens in your home?

It doesn’t make sense. But you need to clearly see that for what it is, so you can be strong.

As for your husband. This is one of those things where you acknowledge his responsibility to his mother. “We must look at this from all sides that are within our circle of influence. MIL, our marriage, our kids. Of course, we want what is best for MIL. That means she gets proper care. You and I also must consider our marriage. You are aware that the relationship here is not ideal. MIL is not kind to me. Of course, that is on her, not you. It will not get better in our home. Our home and lifestyle do not have the infrastructure to support two working adults who are also homeschooling/raising kids and have other responsibilities. Those are just the facts, dear. I would think that a healthy family life would be our shared priority. Your mother is, of course, a person we care about. We care about BIL as well. But, they are not a part of our decision-making processes.

A decision such as this requires unanimity. If both parties don’t want a roommate, the roommate is not invited. I will support you in saying no. I will respect you greatly for standing up for your family. There are ways to say no that will minimize the displeasure of BIL and MIL. However, this is our home that other people are attempting to control.

I hope you can see that your brother is also trying to use us to take MIL off of his shoulders. If you are ok with that, so be it. But I will not be party to this. It may be that I take the kids to a hotel for the time it takes BIL to “make his decision”. That way you and he will be able to take care of your mother the way you want to. If it is that important to you, I support you in wanting to care for her. But, make no mistake. Even if I remain in this house, and you decide to steamroll my wishes, I will have NO part in her care. You can make food for your mom, shop for your mom, clean up after your mom, come when she calls, take her for walks, give her baths, listen to her complaints. And you will also still need to be present for our family when we need you. How do you think you might handle that? Do you honestly think BIL will be helpful to you? Do you honestly think that once she is here that he will be ANY help getting her to proper care? (Cont)

Because you had better prepare yourself now.

I love you. I support and respect you. But that respect will decrease over time if you allow other people to have a seat at the table of our marriage and home because you don’t want to make them angry.

THESE are the things you should consider over the weekend. I have given this a great deal of thought. I will not be changing my mind. I will not be a caregiver/housekeeper for anyone. I will not be part of a breach in our marriage and family life. I am protecting our home and will continue to do so.

I am a soft-hearted person, but I can also have a lion heart when it comes to protecting my family. The emotional manipulation your brother has employed in the past will no longer work for me. I will fight for you and our kids, even if you can’t right now. That is how much I love you.

If you are with me in that, we will come up with a response to BIL and MIL that is helpful to MILs needs, without rocking our whole world.”

The three hardest things when dealing with emotionally manipulative people are A) being firm in your decision without getting emotional B) staying off of the defensive... you do not need to justify your decision to anyone C) not letting them suck you back into emotion... they will push your buttons - guilt, cultural expectations, etc. - and they know you well enough to know which buttons are most effective.

You have to step out of their game. If you stay in, they will win... they are VERY good at the game. You have to move off their board. For some people, it takes years of therapy. You have about 10 minutes to get these skills. I wish you the best.

I agree that bil has absolutely no right to assign this task to you and dh has every responsibility to consult you and with you make the best decision for you and the children. Bil has the responsibility to find a temp placement for his mother.

You are not out of line. Give your input - asked for or not - and make it clear that you are not doing this. Please work on a back up plan for yourself and the kids. I know that the covid situation makes this much more difficult.

I agree about being firm and unemotional. Don't fall for the FOG - (fear, obligation and guilt). Let us know how things work out. (((((Hugs))))) and prayers.

"My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July"

Forget about July. It will NEVER hapen. If brother in law doesn't want to rush his decision, that means once he dumps his mom at your house, he will not even try to make other arrangements for her. Why should he? His life isn't in any way affected. He will use the COVID19 as a reason to not move her anywhere else. If his mom can stay at your home for 1-2 months, then why not 3-4 months, then why not 5-6 months, then why move at all, it's working fine for HIM.

One more thing, If you think it's hard to say no to her moving in now, it will be 10 times harder to move her out later. Imagine the guilt your husband will have thinking he has to kick his own mother out of his own home.

DO NOT let her move in, even temporarily, because once she's in, she'll very very likely never move out. I have read many times on this forum about MIL/FIL moves in and takes over the house and treats their child's spouse (usually the wife) as their personal assistant. At that point, you'll think it's easier for YOU to move out.

DON'T agree to let her in. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. This is the proverbial field to die on.

If your husband still insists on moving his mom in, tell him you will pack up the kids and go on a vacation for a month. Let him take care of his own mom. If he balks that he has to work, tell him your work at home is also work, you can't take on more responsibility, especially taking care of someone you detest.

Ohe thing I learned from a kind and compassionate discharge planner many years ago..." she's in a bed".

"What?"

"Bed to bed transfers are priority. Hospital to rehab, rehab to SNF...If you discharge a patient from a bed to home, you go to the end of the waiting list".

It sounds as though BIL is being sold a bill of goods by discharge. Please help him and your DH to say "no, we cannot possibly take her home. No, sorry. NO we really can't do that"

I agree with the other posters. I think it takes a lot of gall for your BIL to "suggest" his mother move in with you and you assume her care. Why isn't HE stepping up and inviting her in? Could it be because he's married and his wife has absolutely refused? And I also believe once she's in your house, she will never leave. And then your house will be transformed into HER house.
You are not out of line. I think it was very disrespectful of your husband to even discuss this with his brother before he spoke to you, especially given the dynamic between you and his mom!
You have gotten a lot of good advice on how to approach your husband with this. Whether you use that advice, or come up with an approach on your own, you need to have that discussion right away, before your MIL is on the verge of discharge and she ends up with you because "there's no other place she could go".
Good luck!

How KIND of BIL to suggest YOU take this burden on.

Your comment that your only disagreements with DH have had to do with his mom--that's telling.

My DH also thinks it's a great plan to just move his mother in here and I can care for her.

Uh, I told him, in no uncertain terms, he brings her here and I will leave him. HE can take care of her. She hates me (has verbalized this repeatedly for so many years)--why would he even suggest it?

All 5 of my kids have said I could live with them (dad can't, but I can--that's kind of been hard for him to hear)---and my plan is to live independently until I can't anymore and then move to a care facility or have FT caregivers live in our basement apartment.

The lack of planning is how we got to this point where MIL is half-demented and mean and wants to live alone, but requires a LOT of propping up.

DO NOT LET MIL MOVE IN. It will be a nightmare from day one.

Just a thought: IS BIL suggesting this awesome move b/c he wants to see all her money safe for inheritance? My BIL was like that with FIL. Just a thought, and maybe not off course.

Be tough and loving. You aren't completely stepping away from MIL's care, just her care in YOUR HOME.

You said that you are working from home due to Covid-19. If you have to return to work in June what is this going to do to their plan for you to care for their mother? I wonder if your husband and BIL will decide that it is time for you to quit your job and stay at home and take care of your MIL. If you husband insists that his mother moves in I would insist that he takes time off work, either FMLA or use his vacation days to be there with her. If he continues to work he will come home saying that he is exhausted and you will be responsible for her 24/7. I agree that you should not allow her to move in because if you think it is difficult now wait until she moves into your home and makes your life a living hell. It is difficult caring for a person with Alzheimer /dementia if they were pleasant prior to the disease. I can't imagine caring for someone that did not like me prior to having this disease.

It's important to understand how one gets a placement in a nursing home. First priority is given to people transferring from the hospital or an unsafe situation. Getting into a nursing home from a "safe placement" - like your house- will be much, much harder.

Your brother in law and your husband cannot "take their time" deciding. That ship has sailed. They need to make it clear to the discharge planner at the hospital that their mother does not have a safe placement available to her. Just keep saying "We cannot possibly care for her at home." Only then will the discharge planner HAVE to find her a safe placement in a facility.

Your brother in law and husband should be on the phone right now with social workers at the facilities they would like discussing how much money she can offer them as a private pay patient, if any. This is not a time to be coy about her finances. She has a better chance of being accepted at a nicer facility if she has some money to offer them upfront,

This website was helpful to us. https://www.medicare.gov/nursinghomecompare/search.html

Best of luck. Do not let her come into your home. That's a mistake.

"I will be home doing all the care. 

...nobody asked for my input before signing me up".

🚩🚩🚩
Red flags warning here!

Haven't read other replies yet - will do now.

Get this STOPPED NOW.

Even if Husband is conflicted about it - get the transfer to your home stopped now. Delay it, stall him, buy yourself some time.

Call the facility from 7am (what's the time there now?) & get the discharge to your home stopped.

Don't fall for any 'it's too late, it's all organised, the transport is booked, the bed's been reallocated'. None of that is your concern. Your concern is YOUR home & YOU have NOT given permission for this to happen.

Explain your BIL 'suggested' your home as discharge address but this is NOT OK with you. You will not be providing the care. This is just not possible.

You will not accept MIL to your property & will refuse entry. You do have power here.

If the facility refuses to back down, tell them you will leave the property all day - there will be NO CARE. Do it. Monday morning, take your children & go stay away for the day. Go to your own family, a friend or in a shopping mall, anywhere, for the day.

If your husband DOES accept MIL to your home without you there - let us know.

Just say no. Stand up to your brother n law and your husband and just say no. Stick to your guns. If your husband doesn’t listen to you have him take FMLA and stay home and take care of his mother. If he won’t take care of his mother, walk out with the kids. Let him know you mean business. He’ll have a lot more on his plate if you take the kids and leave him.

Brightside,
If there is no other option than to bring MIL in temporarily, would it be possible to have a caregiver come in to help? A professional that comes during the day. Let your hubby deal with her at night!
It's a tough situation, however, there may be ways to ease the burden on you until July comes around.
God bless!!

If Plan A to stop MIL becoming new household member fails...

Plan B: a quick bounce-back out the door at the very first issue: medical or use behaviour issues as reason.

Plan C: Mrs Brightside takes a holiday.

We just learned the hard way..it is tough to get a bed anywhere during Covid unless you do a direct transfer from a hospital! We wanted to wait and decide after we did many tours. Covid stopped that. So we bit the bullet and allowed mom to go to a memory care unit thinking if we hate it we can bring her home. ..we were scared.. it has worked out for my moms best. She is walking again, eating again and new meds have evened out her anxieties. She is safe and I was burning out from caring for her..Win win

You’re certainly not out of line! You are trying to figure out the changes you are in store for. In my family my husband & kids are always offering advice on what I should do but funny, they don’t offer to help. It’s all on me. Why can’t your brother in law take her? I’m gonna be honest, you’re gonna be stressed to the max. People who are CG will not give you some fantasy answer. Is hiring an aide a possibility? I’d have the brother in law pay for it. Her dr can order Home Health and also contact Hospice. I’m here anytime you want to vent or chat. This group is truly my lifesaver! God bless.

How did your weekend go, Brightside?

Just say .........NO!

I agree with those who are saying that July will never come. I also agree that once MIL is in the door, it will be hard to get her out. (I could go on all day about THAT aspect, but I'll keep this short. Just trust those of us who are saying that). When I was young and engaged to be married, someone older than I was took me aside and told me this one thing: "It always falls to the daughter-in-law." Just that one statement. The exact reasons vary and I'm sure it's not literally "always" the DIL, but I sure have seen it play out where DIL is neither asked nor supported but DIL ended up in charge of things she should not be. Please proceed with caution here. Don't let them dump this on you. The points you made in your post are perfectly valid!!

God Bless you❤️ Don’t do it...you know your limitations going in please know that you and your children and your marriage needs to take precedence in this situation. Let the brother-in-law step up its HIS Mother. Your husband won’t be providing care you will and I am with others that July will never come. Protect yourself please. I say this from a place of love. I care give for my disabled husband and my developmentally disabled adult stepdaughter and I can tell you it is too much and I have borne the psychological and physical repercussions for it not to mention the moments with my children and family that I will never get back. Good luck to you. You already know what is best for you and your family and No, you are not out of line you are being realistic.

Please don't do the What If's. Do Not Be Afraid of your Marriage. You two have been together a long time. Both of you should be malliable, bend a bit, when she gets in the home, give her a few weeks. I don't know how old your kids are, but it's hard on everyone. Kids may be a big help. You don't know how they will react. And on the note, check some board and cares near you, adult day schools, and ask social workers, if they have any ideas to keep an older woman busy... You Are Probably A Very Strong Person. And This Is Your Time To Shine. And do put on your calendar a Day For You. That's when you a daycare come in that day to help you get out of the house.Yes do tell the kids. Do not surprise them. Can she walk? can she talk? BREATHE YOU WILL BE OK. Andif things go a little bad, go bury plants in your yard. That is therapeutic.

Don't do it!

If you have any doubts at all then don't even start on the route of having her with you. Your BIL can have her with him if he thinks living with family is best - he should be leaping in to have her if he is going to suggest someone else does. Best to let her go to a facility where you can all visit. Resentment is very hard to live with.

Pay the price and say NO!