My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.
Approach this situation in a logical way with your husband. Frankly, you will be doing all of the heavy lifting during the day since he is gone during the day. Do yourself a favor and take 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to write/type out the reasons why the short term living situation will not work for you. List out solutions next to those reasons, as you will be giving your husband insight and providing a solution as to why it’s not going to work for you.
Please be sensitive in your approach and discussion with your husband as I’m sure this experience is very hard for him to process.
Stay strong and don’t question how you feel, friend.
If she was in the psych ward she could be a danger to you and your family by trying to cook at night while the family is sleeping. Get up and leave the house to go back home, or slap a child because she is upset or frustrated shes not in her own home and cant get there. She was in a psych ward for some reason.
It sounds like your husband and bro in law all ready made the decision, you just arent in on it yet. Dont do it. You cant be up 24/7. And then when you are exhausted, you will be blamed for putting her somewhere. Then it's all your fault for putting her in a home. The onus is off of them then. Seems they have it all figured out. If she comes to stay, then it's your husb responsibility. I'd step back and make him do everything. I would say you have the children to look after. Just because you are female doesnt mean you are a natural caregiver and that another person can decide what you are going to do.
Id refuse and say your home isnt an option. If she is forced on you dont lift a finger. Shes your husband's responsibility. Seems they arent asking you but telling you.
your concerns and gut feelings are already steering you to not take on this exhausting and huge responsibility. You are already working from home, taking care of children, cooking, cleaning a house, laundry, etc, etc, etc. you are not physically or mentally capable of taking care of another person with a full time brain disease, it WILL definitely consume you. Period.
You need to speak up, tell your BIL to take care of his own mother Or Tell him to hire a caregiver at his house, or tell your husband to quit his job and he should do it (sounds silly right?) but why should you do it??? Look into respite care or a long term facility too.
I am my mother’s sole caregiver 24/7. I’m single with no kids and unfortunately unemployed too AND it’s still exhausting for me! She’s up all throughout the night, has to be watched that she doesn’t eat a crayon (Small activity toys), need to keep her busy all day, must assist her with “every single” daily task, bathroom, washing, getting dressed, taking meds/vitamins, etc. etc. etc.
Do not agree to take on this responsibility, you will be arguing even more with your husband then, and you will not have enough energy for your children, and will develop a short fuse with everything.
Good luck, stay safe.
Contact the hospital and say there will be no-one at home to care for her as you won't be doing it - so, unsafe discharge.
If things go wrong and you can't stop her coming (husband won't change his mind) be out when she is arriving and for as long as you can manage it - if possible go on vacation with the children. If you can't be away, tell husband you won't be home during the day while she's there and leave in the mornings before he does.
How old are your children? If they are old enough to cope your last resort could be: take to your bed and pretend to be sick. Husband then has to think of an alternative plan.
Given what you've said about your history with your MIL, she should not be living with you. You should not be expected to be the primary caregiver for her while your husband escapes to his work every day leaving you to care for your children, care for THEIR mother, and also try to work from home. It's an impossible ask. You will never get anything done. My mother didn't even live with me and it was a constant stream of phone calls and asks all day long while I was working.
Your BIL is making the decision that is right for HIM. And once you move her in, she will not leave. There will never be a reason for her to leave. You'll be told over and over to just "hang in there, it's just temporary". But it won't be.
You need to be strong and put your foot down. Dementia does not make people suddenly better people. She was just in a psych ward. Why can't BIL send her home with care? Or....he can temporarily move-in with her until he can arrange for care. Let me tell you...it won't take until July to figure something out if HE has to take care of her.
You are not out of line. You are not being unreasonable. They are being unreasonable putting this task on you. Being a mother, or gender female, does not automatically make you the most appropriate person to care for her. They are....her children. I hate that this happens so often.