My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.
your concerns and gut feelings are already steering you to not take on this exhausting and huge responsibility. You are already working from home, taking care of children, cooking, cleaning a house, laundry, etc, etc, etc. you are not physically or mentally capable of taking care of another person with a full time brain disease, it WILL definitely consume you. Period.
You need to speak up, tell your BIL to take care of his own mother Or Tell him to hire a caregiver at his house, or tell your husband to quit his job and he should do it (sounds silly right?) but why should you do it??? Look into respite care or a long term facility too.
I am my mother’s sole caregiver 24/7. I’m single with no kids and unfortunately unemployed too AND it’s still exhausting for me! She’s up all throughout the night, has to be watched that she doesn’t eat a crayon (Small activity toys), need to keep her busy all day, must assist her with “every single” daily task, bathroom, washing, getting dressed, taking meds/vitamins, etc. etc. etc.
Do not agree to take on this responsibility, you will be arguing even more with your husband then, and you will not have enough energy for your children, and will develop a short fuse with everything.
Good luck, stay safe.
If she was in the psych ward she could be a danger to you and your family by trying to cook at night while the family is sleeping. Get up and leave the house to go back home, or slap a child because she is upset or frustrated shes not in her own home and cant get there. She was in a psych ward for some reason.
It sounds like your husband and bro in law all ready made the decision, you just arent in on it yet. Dont do it. You cant be up 24/7. And then when you are exhausted, you will be blamed for putting her somewhere. Then it's all your fault for putting her in a home. The onus is off of them then. Seems they have it all figured out. If she comes to stay, then it's your husb responsibility. I'd step back and make him do everything. I would say you have the children to look after. Just because you are female doesnt mean you are a natural caregiver and that another person can decide what you are going to do.
Id refuse and say your home isnt an option. If she is forced on you dont lift a finger. Shes your husband's responsibility. Seems they arent asking you but telling you.
Approach this situation in a logical way with your husband. Frankly, you will be doing all of the heavy lifting during the day since he is gone during the day. Do yourself a favor and take 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to write/type out the reasons why the short term living situation will not work for you. List out solutions next to those reasons, as you will be giving your husband insight and providing a solution as to why it’s not going to work for you.
Please be sensitive in your approach and discussion with your husband as I’m sure this experience is very hard for him to process.
Stay strong and don’t question how you feel, friend.
If you have any doubts at all then don't even start on the route of having her with you. Your BIL can have her with him if he thinks living with family is best - he should be leaping in to have her if he is going to suggest someone else does. Best to let her go to a facility where you can all visit. Resentment is very hard to live with.
Plan B: a quick bounce-back out the door at the very first issue: medical or use behaviour issues as reason.
Plan C: Mrs Brightside takes a holiday.
If there is no other option than to bring MIL in temporarily, would it be possible to have a caregiver come in to help? A professional that comes during the day. Let your hubby deal with her at night!
It's a tough situation, however, there may be ways to ease the burden on you until July comes around.
God bless!!
Even if Husband is conflicted about it - get the transfer to your home stopped now. Delay it, stall him, buy yourself some time.
Call the facility from 7am (what's the time there now?) & get the discharge to your home stopped.
Don't fall for any 'it's too late, it's all organised, the transport is booked, the bed's been reallocated'. None of that is your concern. Your concern is YOUR home & YOU have NOT given permission for this to happen.
Explain your BIL 'suggested' your home as discharge address but this is NOT OK with you. You will not be providing the care. This is just not possible.
You will not accept MIL to your property & will refuse entry. You do have power here.
If the facility refuses to back down, tell them you will leave the property all day - there will be NO CARE. Do it. Monday morning, take your children & go stay away for the day. Go to your own family, a friend or in a shopping mall, anywhere, for the day.
If your husband DOES accept MIL to your home without you there - let us know.
...nobody asked for my input before signing me up".
🚩🚩🚩
Red flags warning here!
Haven't read other replies yet - will do now.
Your brother in law and your husband cannot "take their time" deciding. That ship has sailed. They need to make it clear to the discharge planner at the hospital that their mother does not have a safe placement available to her. Just keep saying "We cannot possibly care for her at home." Only then will the discharge planner HAVE to find her a safe placement in a facility.
Your brother in law and husband should be on the phone right now with social workers at the facilities they would like discussing how much money she can offer them as a private pay patient, if any. This is not a time to be coy about her finances. She has a better chance of being accepted at a nicer facility if she has some money to offer them upfront,
This website was helpful to us. https://www.medicare.gov/nursinghomecompare/search.html
Best of luck. Do not let her come into your home. That's a mistake.
Your comment that your only disagreements with DH have had to do with his mom--that's telling.
My DH also thinks it's a great plan to just move his mother in here and I can care for her.
Uh, I told him, in no uncertain terms, he brings her here and I will leave him. HE can take care of her. She hates me (has verbalized this repeatedly for so many years)--why would he even suggest it?
All 5 of my kids have said I could live with them (dad can't, but I can--that's kind of been hard for him to hear)---and my plan is to live independently until I can't anymore and then move to a care facility or have FT caregivers live in our basement apartment.
The lack of planning is how we got to this point where MIL is half-demented and mean and wants to live alone, but requires a LOT of propping up.
DO NOT LET MIL MOVE IN. It will be a nightmare from day one.
Just a thought: IS BIL suggesting this awesome move b/c he wants to see all her money safe for inheritance? My BIL was like that with FIL. Just a thought, and maybe not off course.
Be tough and loving. You aren't completely stepping away from MIL's care, just her care in YOUR HOME.
You are not out of line. I think it was very disrespectful of your husband to even discuss this with his brother before he spoke to you, especially given the dynamic between you and his mom!
You have gotten a lot of good advice on how to approach your husband with this. Whether you use that advice, or come up with an approach on your own, you need to have that discussion right away, before your MIL is on the verge of discharge and she ends up with you because "there's no other place she could go".
Good luck!
"What?"
"Bed to bed transfers are priority. Hospital to rehab, rehab to SNF...If you discharge a patient from a bed to home, you go to the end of the waiting list".
It sounds as though BIL is being sold a bill of goods by discharge. Please help him and your DH to say "no, we cannot possibly take her home. No, sorry. NO we really can't do that"
Forget about July. It will NEVER hapen. If brother in law doesn't want to rush his decision, that means once he dumps his mom at your house, he will not even try to make other arrangements for her. Why should he? His life isn't in any way affected. He will use the COVID19 as a reason to not move her anywhere else. If his mom can stay at your home for 1-2 months, then why not 3-4 months, then why not 5-6 months, then why move at all, it's working fine for HIM.
One more thing, If you think it's hard to say no to her moving in now, it will be 10 times harder to move her out later. Imagine the guilt your husband will have thinking he has to kick his own mother out of his own home.
DO NOT let her move in, even temporarily, because once she's in, she'll very very likely never move out. I have read many times on this forum about MIL/FIL moves in and takes over the house and treats their child's spouse (usually the wife) as their personal assistant. At that point, you'll think it's easier for YOU to move out.
DON'T agree to let her in. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. This is the proverbial field to die on.
If your husband still insists on moving his mom in, tell him you will pack up the kids and go on a vacation for a month. Let him take care of his own mom. If he balks that he has to work, tell him your work at home is also work, you can't take on more responsibility, especially taking care of someone you detest.
You are not out of line. Give your input - asked for or not - and make it clear that you are not doing this. Please work on a back up plan for yourself and the kids. I know that the covid situation makes this much more difficult.
I agree about being firm and unemotional. Don't fall for the FOG - (fear, obligation and guilt). Let us know how things work out. (((((Hugs))))) and prayers.