Balance, boundaries and getting my life back. How?
My FIL is living with us while he's recovering from open heart surgery. My MIL is in ALF. I feel like my kids are not getting the attention they need. My husband's support comes and goes - he works for the government, so I'm trying to be understanding. The MIL's family has finally started visiting her - I thought this would be a good thing (I could visit less focus on my own family) but instead it's turned into a judgment jamboree! The phone calls and visits to tell me what I'm doing wrong or what MIL needs. It drives me crazy and upsets my FIL. I would blow off their comments but my FIL comes up with ideas constantly to help her from my house. (I had to take the phone away). So I now he brings me the "ideas" and I literally go down his list either explaining why we can't do it or adding it to my to-do list. I want to start limiting her visitors but scared I'm just being selfish. It does wear her out when too many people visit for too long. The next day is generally pretty rough. I've tried to explain it but her family (they've been no help, not visiting or anything until now) don't get it or maybe just don't care.
To help at home I've tried and tried but thr FIL only wants things his way on his time line. We've talked and argued but he always goes back to a$$hole mode - which keeps the kids abd my husband away from him. I feel like I'm now the "unpaid help" to my family, my Fil and MIL.
I have no idea how to get my life back.
The update...hallelujah he is finally home. I was shocked that it took so much to get him to move back home. Even after the doctor approved him to drive he kept staying the night here. I finally told him I was concerned he wasn't going home and I had personal medical issues that I would not take care of until I knew he was ok. The same weekend he moved back home I went to the doctor and got my medicine. Talk about bad luck! Our first weekend without him and I have a reaction to my medication! I was upset (which made everything worse!) BUT by Tuesday morning I was recovering (and a little loopy :-) he came by with a contractor to discuss doing work on my house without discussing with me. His words - you know, to make it easier if or when this happens again. I gave him some harsh "truths". Now we only see him about once every other day (he still calls too much, but I've started screening my calls). I have a little guilty, but like LEP627 says above - I don't like who or what I've become!
Without telling my husband I have backed off both my MIL & FIL. I am still managing all the paperwork but every time they call I tell my hubby you need to go .... and do what ever they requested. I'm done fighting and becoming a bitter person. I like helping, but we are so far beyond that here. I've gotten a little bit of push back from some family members and I'm trying to learn how to deal with them. The husband is fine (or he hasn't said anything about it) so to blanj with the rest of them. I've even canceled all holidays with them. We normally swap Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year both with will be with my family so I can get the support I need (shocking the husband said ok, we'll all go (I offered to let him take the kids to his family).
Thanks again! I believe that I would not have been able to do all this without the support from this site.
I'm starting the search for a facility for my Mom (Alzheimer's Dementia); and the guilt and stress are killing me. -- I was in the ER for Anxiety Attacks 10 days ago. Like you, no support from family. My mother is a very angry, mean, abusive Alzheimer's victim. When she is placed, she will go kicking and screaming. The person I've become in the past 2 years is not who I want to be. My Mom's back-up Power of Attorney said that I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago (Dad died & Mom started showing immediate signs of Dementia). I wish you the greatest happiness without AH FIL! And that I have the strength to do what needs to be done.
I really felt great after my gain over the MIL situation. While my FIL was recovering from surgery I thought I had it under control. He was going to rehab, then home with an aide. The day before he got released from the hospital I was informed the rehabilitation center denied him. He was doing "too good". But the doctor still wanted hin on 24 hour care. Social services at the hospital recommend a SNF. I stayed up late researching and visited 2 centers at 5am. We got him approved a bed - everything I thought we needed. I even pushed the hospital to release him early in the day so the SNF had time to do their evaluation the same day. The SNF ended up being a cluster. After trying everything I could think of (but still not feeling right about the facility) I left him there to get some things and pick up my kids. By the time I returned it was after 5 and it was bad. The facility was threatening to restrain him because he wanted to walk around. They wanted him in bed. He was trying to leave, the messages on my phone are horrible. I couldn't get a hold of his doctor so I just checked him out against medical orders and he's now with us. My guilt at checking him into that facility without better research eats at me. When he tells people the story he has said that if I didn't check him out he would have hanged his self. He is generally a mean selfish person. He can be nice (and overly sensitive) but the rudeness eats at me. When I call him out on his behavior he cries. ARGHHH! I got 1 more week to go and he's back home. 2 weeks I hired an aide (well, made him hire her) and recommended he go home for a fee hours, but no. They stay here for the majority of the time. And im just not adding the new BS with my MIL. Another family member has decided to get involved but only for MIL- "get involved" is giving her way to much credit!
I want my kids to have SOME time with there mom not stressed out or pissy. But I'm so tired and aggravated. Can anyone do anything in this house without me holding their hand! And how horrible that I just thought that about my kids!
(I'm hitting submit without rereading what I wrote, please forgive any spelling and/or grammar errors)
It would likely have been better if your FIL could have recovered in a swing bed facility but he's already with you (which seemed like a good idea at the time, I know.) You really have two choices: Refuse to be pushed around and take the abuse or be the unpaid help for everyone. I guess I'd think about how long a time is left before he can leave. If there's only a week or two, then keep coming back here for support and maybe just hang in. If it's weeks - you may have to look into a recovery facility for him and just let everyone scream. You need your life back - and this is with no guilt attached. Please do keep us posted on how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol