Hello. I'm in my early thirties, and partnered for 4 years. I have a successful career and want to start a family soon. However, I don't know how I can manage to plan as my family situation is complicated.
My mother (60's) is in poor health, but has dedicated her retirement to caretaking for my grandmother (90's with a pacemaker); my grandmother always insisted on never leaving her home (refuses outside care) and my mother has poorly managed her finances and health. She moved in with my grandmother early to provide care. Now, my mother is refusing to sell the house and get my grandmother into care, because this is her retirement. However, she CANNOT care for my grandmother without it causing her serious distress and further complicating her own health issues. This all falls back on me, an only child.
I live 2 hours away, but try to come up once a month to check in and take care of basic things around the house as well as give my mother some respite. This is severely draining, distressing and depressing for me to go through alone. My partner refuses to come with me and I don't blame him because it's so depressing. Is this the rest of my life? How can I help, but avoid taking responsibility. I'm terrified of caring for my needy mother later in life.
You are going to have to look at it this way--many people don't have children to fall back on. Had you not been born your Mom would have now to make her own way in life, using what state and federal benefits she can.
Staying, doing care, is enabling all of these bad decisions. We I you and your soon to be husband, planning a family, I would plan first a move far away from your mother and grandmother. Your mother is only in her 60s. My daughter's age. She has a good two decades left to her AT THE LEAST. Will you then, sacrifice your entire love, life and family upon the altar, as she has ruined hers? Is she not lesson enough before your very eyes.
Only you can make choices for yourself. I would move miles away were it me, after supplying all the numbers for supportive agencies I could find to your Mom.
I know how cruel this sounds. But you have one life. I am 81. It curdles my blood to think that any child of mine (as I said, daughter is 61) would give up the best years of her life for me. And to think of it for my grandson? Dreadful! And they both know that it is not expected of them, nor would it be accepted from them.
I wish you the best of luck. This decision is in the hands of you and your boyfriend. Only you can make it. It will not be without tears and grieving. Not everything can be fixed.
They couldn’t manage without you. Don’t enable this sad and impossible situation. You deserve the family you want. You deserve a relationship free of the strife that mom and grandma have already created in your life.
Mom, with all her issues, isn’t providing the care that grandma needs. She can’t.
You now need to act and talk like the grownup. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you can’t keep this up. Then help them find a place for them to go and be helped by others.
They both need to do end-of-life planning with a lawyer. The house needs to be sold and the proceeds used to pay for grandma’s care. Mom needs to make a plan for the rest of her life. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ALLOW YOUR MOM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU. Or even near you. That would make your relationship sour in about half a minute, and forget about having kids.
Good luck.
Don't let your mother's poor life choices decide what course your life is going to take.
She is the one who decided to make bad financial decisions and squander her retirement on your grandmother. They will work something out. They will have to.
Your mother chose to do this. You did not. So it is not for you to put out her fires or jump through hoops because your grandmother is stubborn like pretty much every other elder on earth and refuses to even discuss moving.
Well, when your mother can't do for her anymore and can't take care of the house, she'll consider moving.
When the choices become either move somewhere cheaper, or go into a nursing home, she'll get reasonable.
Your mother wants to be the caregiver. That's on her, not you.
Even then caregiving is hard in situation that sounds as demanding as yours.
You are in the prime of your life and you only have it once. It should not be ruined as others have made poor decision.
You should not have to delay starting a family because of this.
You have to consciously think about what you plan to do, how to do it and implement it.
You are too young to put your life on the back burner.
Make a plan now.
Sure, you can, just not all at one time. Many have tried and failed miserably, or paid dearly with the mental and physical health, and ruined their marriages, their financial security, lost their freedom and happiness, and lost who they were as a person.
What do you want to do?
Me and my brother attempted caregiving but when it got to daily caregiving for several hours a day it quickly totally destroyed our relationship forever. Both our lifestyles and plans were negatively impacted.
If it were me I would discuss with both of them the terrific benefits of assisted living. I didn't think there were any at all but after my father went to assisted living I can tell you where he is is very similar to an apartment complex but with all of his needs cared for. It's sort of like living at home with butler service! He can do everything and more than what he could do when living at home. Yesterday he went to a department store for clothing and had dinner at a restaurant in town, just like he's has done for years.
No one lives forever so I believe it's important to be in touch regularly with your loved ones and do what you do out of love. If that means moving and caregiving that may be right for a time. Or not. I moved to be near my father and it was the right thing for me to do. Now that he's in assisted living I can do what I want knowing he's in the best place he can be. Much better than I could ever provide.