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I live in another state and my dad lives in California. My adopted sister wants to have my dad placed in a nursing home although he drives takes care of his home at the age of 80 and he’s has early dementia. The problem is she doesn’t want me staying in the house to basically care for him. I have flown twice in one month to be with him and he’s coherent drives himself to the doctor’s appointment when ever he has one. She tells me he needs a professional with him therefore she’s trying to force him and he’s adamant about not going. He says he can do for himself and the home is very clean. I think she really don’t won’t me there with him as I told her I’m going to stay with him. But she says she’s not letting anyone stay in the home but it’s not her house but it his. Can you give me some advise.

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I think there is more to this than has been written. "Adopted" sister? Hmmm... sounds like you two are not (and possibly have never been fond of each other). Where did this adopted sister come from.... a product of a relationship your Dad had that you never approved of? Now there are sisters and there are sisters; and if you think that all biological sisters get along wonderfully and agree on everything you have definitely fallen down the rabbit hole.

But this is not about the relationship between the two of you it is about your Dad. Could she physically and emotionally care for Dad? Does Dad have enough funds to hire caregivers/drivers when he needs them? Is she trying to position herself to get the major inheritance when Dad passes? Is she afraid you are trying to move into Dad's house so you will get the major inheritance?

You are entitled to have different views but if you both love your Dad, you both need to settle down and come to a meeting ground. Time for exhalation and introspection; where did the relationship with your sister go off the tracks" Has it ever been "on track"?

Does Dad have his VIDs (very important documents, Will, DPoA and Advanced Medical Directive) in place? If the two of you keep up the squabble, Dad will make someone less emotionally involved (a friend, his attorney) the holder of all those documents and you can sit and glare at each other. And remember, Dad's money is to take care of him; if your last name is not Rockerfeller, DuPont, or Astor.... you can take the word "inheritance" out of your vocabulary because there may be nothing left to inherit once Dad's needs have been met.

I hope all three of you can some to some peaceful ground so that you and your sibling can at least be civil to each other. That would probably make Dad than six professional drivers and the best facility in the world.

Wishing you all peace and tranquility.
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There is no difference between you and her as far as you are both his children. It’s an odd way to describe your sister as your “adopted sister” because when parents adopt a child there is no distinction between that child and a child who’s biological. Maybe edit your post to leave out the adopted sister comment as it appears that your implying she’s less his child than you are, whether you feel or want to feel that way doesn’t make it so. Legally and in every way she is just as much his child as you are- so the only part that is relevant is you and her disagreeing on his care- adopted not adopted bears zero relevance
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I can understand your concern and respect for Dad's wishes.
In Massachusetts the person given POA does not have any right to make decisions unless the patient is found to be incompetent by a neurologist / or another MD specialist. This may require some neuropsychic testing. As you may know there are many types of dementia and many levels of disabilities and rates of decline. Perhaps your father wants to age in place as long as possible. There are driving tests designed for seniors. Many towns offer medical ride and rides for shopping as well as food delivery.

I also would like to complement you and anyone who is willing to give their time and energy to become a full-time caretaker for another. This means self-sacrifice and compassionate care. I feel this can be done for short term or long-term depending on the circumstances.
I have found it is always possible to make arrangements for a nursing home if the patient has been hospitalization. Please know that many states have financial help and services for aging in place through Private ins, Medicare and Medicaid and Social Services.

I would start with the following: Visit with an elder law attorney so that you understand the legal and financial side.
Request a copy of his medical records (and read it). Request copy of his POA. (if any exists) Get papers in order including a Will. Arrange medical visits with neuropsychologist and other subject experts (such as cardiologist etc.) for exams/testing. Get medical recommendations from all medical experts for the type of care that is needed now and what may be needed in the future ..including medications and rehab possibilities and look into respite for caregivers. As some have suggested you may want to look into assisted living and if I may also suggest congregate living for seniors. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you can keep the line of communication open and friendly with your sister.
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Has the OP been back?

Maybe gone. Moved into Dad's, become his caregiver, found it too much (dementia way worse that thought) moved him into care, flew home.
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You Can stay In the House with Dad . Hire a Lawyer and Know your rights . You Can take Care of Dad if these are his wishes . Contact a elder attorney .
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Contact a lawyer that deals with elder law or family law near him. You need to know what the law says about this situation. If he has legal documentation that gives power of attorney to somebody, that person decides when he can not make decisions for himself. In Florida (where I live), if there is no declared POA or health surrogate, then there is an Order of Proxy to decide who has that right. In my state, ALL siblings must be informed and majority must agree on an action. This is why you need to ask a lawyer what is the rules in his state of residence.
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"If the adoption happened later in life, especially, it is op’s right not to see this woman as exactly a sister."

It makes no difference whatsoever if it was a stepsister, father's friend, girlfriend or wife that was doing what she's complaining of.
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PeggySue2020 Nov 17, 2023
Well right, it doesn’t but if your dad married his cg and adopted her children you probably wouldn’t see that as your family.
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Dadfirst1: If your father is deemed competent, he makes his own decisions. It may serve zero purpose to state that your sister is adopted.
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Sarah3 Nov 20, 2023
100% - it’s irrelevant whether she is biologically her fathers child or his child through the process of adoption. The only reason it seems the op would make a point of it is an effort to imply she is less his child than the op in hopes it will serve the ops goal but not the way the law works, it’s also I’m sure not how the father sees it.
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Who has legal authority and what kind?
This must be in place first.

Why is the sister making these ... arrangements or trying to?
Does she have any legal authority.
If not her house, how is it that she is making these decisions?

Does your dad have a social worker?
Sounds like you need to get an attorney and figure out what your legal remedies are for yourself and your dad.

It also sounds like the sister (adopted or not; what does that have to do with this?) needs to step aside and someone else, with your dad's best interests in mind, take control of the situation - with his consent, if he legally is deemed competent to do so.

The sister - from what you write - says he needs 'a professional with him ..."
- This is very - what 'wishy-washy' language.
- Is there an estate / money involved (that the sister will inherent?). This is important. She may just be tired, not want to take on too much / any responsibility for his care - and so dump him at a nursing home.
(No. No. Not okay). Something smells like a rat here.

There are several steps before moving into a nursing home. Find out why she says this - how does she back up her position ? care for your dad?
He may certainly need support and some caregivers in to assist him, as needed.
He may be resistant to the care he needs although you need to find out what is going on.

As you live in another state, you will need to discuss arrangements with your dad. Does the sister live with him? If so, she needs to get out of there.

If I were you, I would get an attorney in his state and go see him immediately, with an appointment with your dad.

Is your dad officially medically considered incompetent?
If not, you need to get clear on what she is talking about / degree of dementia or 'forgetting.'

Get an attorney and go see him (your dad) - and the attorney immediately.
Do you have a key to the house?
Will she lock you out?
She is bad news. If I were you, I would get his locks changed and tell her she isn't allowed to enter the house ... without permission from ... who, you? The attorney?

Gena / Touch Matters
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First of all what kind of person are you for referring to your sister as "adopted"? I can take a really good guess.

Secondly, no one can force your father into a nursing home unless he's declared mentally incompetent.

Thirdly, your sister can not legally keep you out of your father's house. But by referring to her as "adopted" I can clearly see why your sister don't (sic) ever want you there.

Finally, if your father is a risk for falling, forgetting vital medication, putting things on the stove that shouldn't be there, etc. then by all means the best place for him, your sister and yourself is an assisted living facility.
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PeggySue2020 Nov 16, 2023
If the adoption happened later in life, especially, it is op’s right not to see this woman as exactly a sister.
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She has absolutely NO RIGHT to do this to your father! She also has no right to tell you can not come there to help! It almost sounds like she wants his house for herself. What an ungrateful person, after adopting her and giving her a good life, she wants to destroy his.

Your father can get additional in home care when needed. It sounds like he is doing all right now. But, he NEVER has to go into a nursing home! There are programs available in every state if he needs help paying for care. We have one here called IRIS. It would allow your father to choose whoever he wants for care... including family.

Don't let her push you or your father around!!!
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anonymous1732518 Nov 16, 2023
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Your sister is closer to this. Maybe she knows more than you do on the topic. Usually it’s the opposite where one sibling doesn’t want memory care or assisted living because it’ll chip away at their inheritance. Since she’s not concerned with that … what motive would she have for removing him from his home if he’s really capable of being there alone? It’s not easy or fun to move an elder .. add in one that doesn’t want to move?!? Why would any sane person do that to themselves if there was another choice!
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Sarah3 Nov 20, 2023
I agree w most of this although there are definitely children who’s personal/ religious/ cultural reasons don’t like the idea of placing their parent in a home- if the parents wishes are to remain at home and there’s a child willing to do so it can be fulfilling to know they’ve helped the parent remain at home. Of course this doesn’t apply to parents who insist they don’t want their children having the burden of being a caregiver or who for whatever reason wish to move to a facility, or who’s level of care can’t be met at home
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Until your father can no longer LEGALLY make decisions for himself he can not be "forced" to do anything he does not want to do.
Who is POA for him?
If it is your sister and she obtains medical documentation that he is not cognizant then she can place him in a Memory Care facility
If you are his POA then it is you who will determine when he should go to Memory Care, Or you can have caregivers stay with dad so he can remain at home.
BUT if no one has POA and your sister does not think he is safe, and if she can get documentation from his doctor that he should not be living alone at home she can petition to become his Guardian if that is granted she can place him. You would get notification of any court hearing that would determine this and you would have the chance to petition to be his Guardian.

The fact that your sister is adopted has no bearing one way or the other. Legally she is his daughter as much as you are his daughter.

You might want to consult with an Elder Care Attorney.
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Your father is in charge of his OWN decisions as long as he is competent to make them. Only a judge can review his medical records and testimony and say he is no longer competent. At that point the POA or guardian makes decisions for him dependent on who he appointed as POA or who applies to be his guardian.
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Boy, did you hit a nerve when u said "adopted" sister. My Mom was my Mom but "Dad" adopted me. He was married Mom when I was two. Of 4 children, 3 were biologically his. And you know what, I was the one he and Mom relied on. My daughter was adopted by my now husband at the age of 8 but we married when she was 4. Pretty much the only "Dad" she knew.

If your Sister holds POA then Dad put her in control to a point. That does not mean she can ban you from the house. If you want to move in and Dad is still competent to know what that means and says OK, she really has no say. POA is a tool. It gives her certain responsibilities. She would have the ability to place him. IMO, if Dad can afford it, an AL would be my choice if he is in early decline. Anyone, even early on, who had Dementia should not be alone. Its very unpredictable. My nephew came home to find that Mom had left a pot on the stove and burnt it up. Your Dad could decline overnight. My Uncle drove to another State he gambled in frequently. Got lost, forgot how to get home.

Your sister sees your Dad every day. I go with having Office of Aging evaluate Dad. If their findings show there is cognitive decline, then a Neurologist is next. He may only need an aide. But, he is not ready for Long-term care and probably will not be excepted if Medicaid is needed.

If Sis has no POA, may be the time to get it while Dad seems to know what is going on. With no POA it will be hard to place Dad. With no POA, she has no control over you or Dad. But I think its time for a sit down because Dad will not get better. Yo
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AnnReid Nov 18, 2023
I “lost” an adoption after having more than three miscarriages.

The pain I felt over her loss (she had blue eyes and blond curly hair), absolutely EQUALS the loss I felt for each of the miscarriages.

A loving caring well thought out adoption, as well as that subsequent loss, is the same as losing an unborn child. Age doesn’t matter. Love does.
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His situation is not going to improve, ever. Your sister may be a bit premature thinking about it but it may as well be addressed sooner rather than later. I think she’s dealing with the situation head on and good for her. Better more thoughtful decisions can be made about placement at this point instead of floundering mid crisis.

Are you planning to pull up stakes and move in with him? Not a good idea if you have a spouse/kids. It seems like your sister lives near her dad and is seeing the handwriting on the wall that the brunt of caregiving is going to be on her and she doesn’t want to do it.

And he must not be driving anymore. Someone needs to take the car keys or disable his car.

Also referring to your sister as adoptive suggests there is animosity at play. I’d suggest putting these feelings aside and work with your sister to figure out what is best for your father.
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There's no need to refer to your sister as 'adopted'. Secondly, if your father has dementia, even in the early stages there can be no more driving. But, it sounds to me like he's coping just fine and your sister really is just blowing smoke. If he's doing well and wants you to come, he can have you come.

It's not up to your sister to decide if you can be at your father's house and become his caregiver. How is it that your father and the rest of the family are allowing her to make that decision?

Does she have his POA? If she does then it would be a good idea for you to rake him to a lawyer while he is still lucid and have that changed over to you. That would be in everyone's best interests if you're planning on moving in with your father and taking care of him at some point.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 11, 2023
Let’s hope that they can both work together to figure out what is best for their dad.
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Is it convenient in this situation for you to refer to your sister as being "adopted"? As if she holds no weight in the family because she's not a "real" family member due to sharing no DNA with the rest of you?
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Have you asked your sister for specific examples for why she thinks he can’t be alone and needs a “professional with him “? This is true that he will need 24/7 supervision at some point as dementia progresses. The only question is when. Has the doctor said he can no longer live alone ? Has a needs assessment been done by a doctor or a social worker ? His County Area Agency of Aging can send a social worker to the home to do a needs assessment and determine whether he is safe to be home alone .

Dad saying that he “ can do for himself “ (to still live alone in his home ) means SQUAT. Just about all say that . People with dementia as it progresses are not aware of the issues they have. They think they are fine but they are not. Also they can sound coherent in conversation but have difficulty with executive functions . You need to learn about dementia .

What do you mean you are going to stay with Dad to “ basically take care of him “? What does he need help with ?

What reason has your sister given you for not staying at the house ? Were you planning to move in with Dad? Or is this just a visit ? Does anyone have POA ?

Moving in with Dad is a bad idea . He will need more help than you know. Do you work ? It will become impossible to work ( especially outside of the home ) as dementia progresses .

More information would be helpful , to give advice.

Does your sister live near Dad and see him often ? It seems like she is more aware and understands what Dads needs are for her to suggest he needs professional care and that you are listening to what Dad wants .

What the elderly want and what they need are often different . Furthermore you saying that you are going there to “ basically take care of him “ means he needs help and should not be driving . If he needs help he’s not as independent as Dad is telling you that he is .
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97yroldmom Nov 11, 2023
Very good points

if dad needs you then what sis is saying holds more water.
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#3. Family relationships.
Is this about Dad? Or about your Sister?

If it is about Dad - discuss why Sister thinks supervised care is needed. Ask, find out, listen. Think about what she says. Do your own research on dementia too.

Think about why you think he should stay home. Tell her your reasons. Discuss them. Hopefully you will gain some insight to each other's point of view.

Obviously the issue is much bigger than where you stay when you come to town.
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#2 Driving. Driving short distances on familiar roads can work for a time.

Problem is when it stops working.

Some of the results I have personal experience with, all whom dx with MCI (mild cognitive impairment: early stage of brain changes, earlier than a dementia diagnosis).

- scraps, scratches, dints to car & street poles, other cars. $
- driving into closed garage door $$
- driving into garage, not braking & hitting end wall at speed (survived but fractured neck)
- single car collision on freeway (died)

Please think about the driving issue seriously.
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#1 Dad's safety
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I am puzzled by why you refer to her as your “adopted” sister? If it was an official adoption, then she is your legal sister, and as much your father’s daughter as you are. If he is mentally competent, he need not go into a nursing home, of course. Maybe you should back off and let those chips fall where they may, if your sister is willing to deal with it. As long as nobody is asking you for any money to fund any of this, why get all involved?
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 11, 2023
Lucia,

Thank you for saying this. I was taken aback by this too. We adopted our oldest daughter. Then we had a biological daughter.

Never in her life has our biological daughter ever said, ‘adopted sister’ to other people or to us. She says ‘sister.’ Nor have we ever said ‘adopted’ daughter. We say ‘daughter.’ Our oldest daughter never says, ‘adoptive’ parents or ‘adoptive’ sister. My oldest daughter says, ‘Mom, Dad or Sister.’

You are exactly right! They are both equally our daughters. They are equally sisters. They love each other. We love each of them identically.

When families only have biological children they certainly don’t introduce them by saying, ‘Hello, these are our biological children.’ Nor do adoptive parents say, ‘Hello, these are our adopted kids.’ Doesn’t make any sense to me. Unless it is a specific reason like a doctor appointment and we were talking about a disease in our family history.
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If you get a chance read the responses to the "positives" that can be had in Nursing Home living in a couple threads here.
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Let me explain something that is going to come out a bit crass.

You are what is called a seagull. Come in, sh*t on everything and then leave.

Your father’s brain is broken. You cannot care for him by yourself. He is unable to make decisions because of his broken brain.

I suggest you read up on dementia as you seem to have no clue about it.
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anonymous1732518 Nov 10, 2023
Funny you should mention that. I think a guy in the room next to mine has Dementia. As reported, today he threw something at another resident and slap another one across the face.

He even found his voice when the LPN kept him by her medicine cart; she offered him water, he wanted more in a bigger cup, NOW. 🙂
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The way he is today isn’t how he’ll be tomorrow. Moving in to take care of a parent with dementia is generally not a good idea, especially if you have no experience in caregiving.

You need to reconsider and learn more about the option your sister is providing.
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Has your father appointed either you or your sister as his POA?

Does your sister live in the same state as your dad? Or the same home? Does she see him more often than you? If so, perhaps she knows his habits better than you do and feels that your dad shouldn’t be living alone.

How often do you see your dad? Do you want to move in and care for him full time? How will you support yourself? Do you plan on working?

You can suggest to your sister that you would like to contact Council on Aging in dad’s area to do an assessment of his condition. They can help you and your sister plan for his future.

Best wishes to you and your family. I hope that you and your sister will be able to work together to do what is best for your dad.
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Beatty Nov 11, 2023
"I hope that you and your sister will be able to work together to do what is best for your dad"

me too
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