88 yr old mother in robust physical health, lives alone in her condo with home assistance 3 days a week. She absolutely refuses to even talk about residential placement - a trial of an assisted living facility failed abysmally. After months of her nonstop complaints about it as “worse than a prison,” we caved and moved her back home. Now all she talks about is being a prisoner in her home. She cannot drive, so her aides take her shopping, to the library, etc. Ever since my parents’ divorce 50 years ago, anything that upsets or frustrates her sets her off into “I’d be better off dead,” “everyone hates me,” “I pray every day I won’t wake up in the morning.” We’ve been hearing this for fifty years. She has never attempted to actually harm herself. Her talk has alarmed aides and staff at the ALF and she has been taken to the hospital twice, evaluated by psych, and discharged as not at risk, PLUS a mental health crisis home visit closed as “not needing intervention.” There was another meltdown this past weekend; the agency called me (I live 1000 miles away), I called her. She blew it all off, and went into her usual rant about being a “prisoner,” and veers from complaining about being “abandoned” by the aides (they are very reliable!), to complaining about the “never-ending parade of people I don’t want in my house.” She refuses to see any doctor of any kind. We are exhausted by the wanting-to-die wail, and her absolute resistance to any additional supervision or aid. Every single person (including or even especially us three adult kids) around her is stupid, incompetent, mean, controlling, rude, ignorant, etc. We are tired of coping with the “one day I’ll be a rotting corpse on the floor” threats. I suppose I’m mostly venting here, but we are all at a loss about what else to do, given her total non-cooperation with any medical intervention (she also furiously denies any dementia, while bitterly calling herself “retarded” - her word). My brother and I share POA, and if it were even possible, at this point, none of us would accept guardianship. She NEEDS a professional, supervised setting, but we can’t imagine how to get her there… thoughts?
I mean no sudden Epiphany where she is happy and sweet and loving and cooperative? But yea, at 81 I am here to say old age brings few happy epiphanies.
I think she is greatly enabled by the number of ears constantly around to listen to this nonsense, don't you?
The sad truth is that many elders WOULD rather be dead. And it's kind of too bad they don't just issue us a pill when we ask. I am about ready for mine at 81. It isn't an especially happy time.
But few of us burden and saddle our kids and our caregivers with this. It is selfish.
I would say that either your mother is having a bit of aging brain syndrome, real dementia, or she is just a drama queen. To quote you: "We’ve been hearing this for fifty years." Like I said. Nothing new.
I myself would do a bit of Pavlovian training here. When that nonsense starts I am out of there. And I would tell her so. Might not change her (doubt it will, in fact) but will certainly shorten the time you have to listen.
You can do it that way.
You can address it with humor (" A rotting corpse? Oh, I HOPE not. Do perish the thought")
You can move 1,000 miles away.
You can visit less, hang up the phone faster, choose not to participate in care at all (would be my choice).
There's a ton of ways to handle this.
Or you can just wait for the inevitable.................when all her dreams come true.
She refuses care.
She refuses doctors.
I think you may want to take a leaf from her book and start "refusing" to listen to this silliness.
She will never be happy and it is not your responsibility to even attempt to make her. Cultivating happiness is an inside job.
Her "Wish I would die crap" is pure and simple manipulation, you have taught her how to treat you and what she can get away with.
Next time she says that say "I am calling 911 to take you to a physic ward" I bet that she will stop that nonsense.
Also, you say she is in "robust physical health", so this could go on for years yet!
If professionals don't deem your mother to be at risk, so that she is discharged to her own home - alone (for the most part) - then there's not much you can do.
If you can get social services or health professionals to make the decision that your mum cannot live alone, then you can place her in AL or a care facility.
Until that happens, you have to learn to ignore your mother's rants.
My mum used to say, "I might as well just slit my throat," when I was young. I know that she was going through her own emotional trauma, but that was no excuse for actively passing on emotional trauma to me.
I love my mum, and she did stop this particularly nasty form of manipulation, but I make myself remember it whenever I feel guilty about not doing more for her, when I insist that I also live my own life.
Your mum has always been manipulative and an emotional blackmailer. She won't change. The softly softly approach won't work.
As soon as she starts on that theme of killing herself, tell her that you don't want to hear it. Then put the phone down!
You can't change your mum's behaviour, but you can change how it affects you. You're not a child anymore, and you don't have to do everything your mother tells you, nor do you have to listen to her.
She started in again one day and said "I wish I was dead!". I had heard enough of how nothing was ever right or enough so I blurted out "I wish you were, too!". Well the look on her face! She gasped, then sucked air in between her teeth and was totally shocked, angry with me. I interrupted and said "Mom, if that is what you want, then that is what I wish for you as well". I said "all I have ever done is to try to do what you want and need to help you be happy. I shop for you, take you to the doctors, visit, arrange home repairs etc.... I try to do what you want and fix things the way you want them. If you want to be dead, then that is what I want for you, too!" We had a reasonable chat after that and I never heard her say she wished she was dead again! Didn't stop the complaining though! LOL
My mother started suicide talk when I was eleven. It was off and on for years. One day when I was probably in my 40s, she said that she was going to die if "yada yada yada." I told her that she'd been talking like that for a long time, but obviously she hadn't died yet. She didn't like that! But she did lay off the dying talk for a while.
She lived to be 95.
If you do not want to be POA you can give it up . Go to a lawyer and formally give up being POA . You could let the state take over .
I would tell her that prisoners do not have staff waiting on them taking them out in the car to shop etc .
When she is being mouthy , tell her you have an appt , and get off the phone .
Or tell her , you will talk to her another day when she is more pleasant . Keep the calls short . You also do not have to answer all her calls , let it go to voicemail .
I’m sorry , many of us had mothers like this . If your mother is still competent , I don’t know how you can get her out of her home yet .
If she ends up in the hospital ask the social worker to get her reevaluated to see if she’s in need of 24/7 supervision . Have assisted living places picked out already and ask her to be placed right from the hospital and do not take her back home to get belongings . She will dig her heels in and refuse to leave the house .
I wouldn’t even drive in the car with her . Some angry elders try to grab the steering wheel .
You could also call your local County Area of Aging and ask for a needs assessment . Where I live they will physically remove an elder from the home is they are not safe living alone 24/7. Again have an assisted living facility picked out where they can bring Mom .
Then may I suggest the next time she says that she says she wants to die or that one day she'll be found rotting on the floor, just calmly ask her if at that time she'd rather be buried or cremated, and what songs she'd like at her funeral.
Now these are all things you should know anyway, but it might just shut her up for the time being.
It's time to call her bluff and again, realize that your mother isn't going to be happy anywhere.
And if there is any dementia at play here, eventually she won't have a say about where she ends up as it will be a matter of where she will be safe and well taken care of.
Wishing you all well.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this crap. It has to be awful to hear this day after day from your mother.
Your mom doesn’t know how good she has it. Many people don’t even have anyone who is helping them throughout the week like she has.
I am tempted to tell you to do what my cousin (single mom) did with her 18 year old teenage son when his behavior was out of control.
My cousin gave her son enough rope to hang himself when he stopped listening to her. He got into trouble again and she was desperate.
She asked the officer what she should do in order to scare him. He took her son on a tour of the jail to let him see what his future would be like if he didn’t straighten up.
Well, after a few hours seeing what it’s like to be a ‘prisoner’ he changed his tune! Today he is married, has children of his own and working as a police officer!
I wonder what your mom would do if she toured the local jail in her area! Sorry for being sarcastic. I realize that you are at your wits end. I hope that you can find a solution for her behavior soon.
All I can think of to say is to completely disregard her comments or tell her that you are going to call 911 on her behalf since she is suicidal.
It was sometimes difficult to tell if we were seeing my mother’s dementia or belligerence as they kind of ran together. Once she was assessed by a professional, it was clear she didn’t know the date, her age, the town she lived in for 15+ years, nor the names of her grandkids (who lived next door to her).
Time to stop feeding her ego and need for attention by putting up with such bad behaviour. Take away her power over you. She doesn’t want you to help. She wants you to suffer. Go “grey rock” on her and save yourself.
She was not happy in AL
She is not happy at home.
She made empty threats in AL
She is making empty threats at home.
the advantage being in AL is if they notice a change in her they can step in. With caregivers that come just 3 days a week anything could happen in the 2 days they are not there and the hours after one leaves before someone shows up again.
You are right she needs a professional, supervised setting.
That will either be AL or a psych unit. And it appears she does not need the full attention of a psych unit. Although she may benefit by having a few sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist and possibly medication.
She loves the attention and concern such statements get her. Oh, she’s so terribly pitiful! She suffers so! No one else has such a hard life! 😏
Tell her if she’s going to end her own life, stop threatening and get on with it. She won’t do it because she loves the drama. Call her on it.
Or, tell her the next time she makes a threat, you will call 911 and get her Baker acted. And do it. She’ll straighten up after one 48-hour hold.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Then stop dealing with your mother who's in robust health and listening to rubbish about dying and living in prison at home bc you're giving her the fuel she needs to go on with this behavior. And the audience. Call her once a week and get off the phone when the histrionics begin.
You'll have to wait for a crisis to occur where mom is hospitalized and goes off to rehab, and they refuse to release her back to living alone. That's when she gets placed in managed care against her wishes and there's no choice in the matter. The fastest way to a nursing home is to be a stubborn elder.
Good luck to you.
Scared the crap out of me for years, until I realized that she was manipulative and sick. Who does that to a child? I lived in constant fear she'd follow through and somehow I would be to blame.
Finally, on my 30th birthday, she was in a foul mood and started in on the "I'm just going to kill myself' rant--and I blew up. "Mom, please, please DO kill yourself but for the love of Pete, don't you DARE leave a mess for me to clean up". (I was about 7 months pregnant with my 5th (very unplanned) child).
The look on her face--well, I never heard another suicide threat again in her life. She lived (happily) for another 36 years.
If this were the dynamic TODAY. I would take her directly to the hospital and have her Baker-Acted. Let her know that suicide talk as a means to getting what you want is selfish and wrong on so many levels. (I know it's a hard thing to do: I had to Baker act one my own kids!)
You have to get tough. Mom is holding you hostage, emotionally. Do not let her.
When the talk becomes negative and mean, you decide: do I call 911 and report a suicidal elder or do I hang up on her? Your call.
I wish you good luck in this. Been there, done that. It's no dang fun, for sure.
My Mom was a lover of the mythical "little-boy-who-called-wolf" tale. Your Mom has apparently not heard that one.
Why are you not used to it now, and accepting of it now?
This is her.
She is who she is and this is what she says and does.
You cannot change anyone.
What you could have been doing all these years is simply saying to her "I am so sorry you feel that way; I would miss you so much. I love you."
That's IT.
My partner's mom did just this from the time he was a young boy. She actually threatened to DO IT. Not just she wished she weren't here.
He cut off most interaction with her. A visit once a year. A call every Sunday. And when she died he was very happy not to have to mar his Sunday morning. That is where such people end. They are their own worst enemies.
ALL THAT SAID, she may well wish she were gone.
My Dad, with his wonderful happy life was exhausted in his early 90s and told me he wished he could just take the last long, long nap. He really wanted to discuss it. Same for my brother when he was diagnosed with early Lewy's. He wished he had died in the accident that led to the diagnosis. To be frank and honest with you, I consider those reality-based appropriate wishes. There is no upside to the long lives we are forced to live. I wish, as well, we had a option for a final exit pill.
So stop playing into it as tho you can fix it. As though you are responsible for it. You didn't cause it and can't fix it. Just tell her you are sorry she feels that way; you would miss her. And when she DOES die, know it was what she wanted and she's at peace and don't waste a whole lot of time in mourning.
No one can give anyone else the will to live. No one can point out to the joyless what is joy in their lives. It is hopeless to attempt to. Make certain your OWN life doesn't reflect the litany of sadness she has made of hers. Get on with happy times.