Dad won't consider moving into an apartment that's wheelchair accessible. What can I do?
My dad has to move from the farm house he has rented for 12 years. The landlord wants to fix it and live in it. My dad likes to collect things to sell for profit. Except he never sells things bc nobody helps him with it. I tell him there is only so much time when i come to help him. There is so much to move. Ive tried to find an auction house but cant. My dad only wants to sell if he gets what he thinks his "antiques" are worth. I make breakfast burritos for his freezer. I help him with paper work. I live 100 miles from him, but go every month at least. I found these very nice wheelchair accessible apartments, rent off of income. But he refuses to live in an apartment. Says he cant move closer to me or he will lose benefits, we live in different states. I used to live closer before i got married. I used to work and care for him at night. I burned out and didnt take care of myself. He has benifits to hire people but he only has one employee bc he runs others off and says its bc he cant find anyone. He wont hire an agency bc he did once and they were no good. He has to have control. He thinks he has found a hudd trailer on land he wants to buy. I understand and try hard to support his want to live on his own. I worry it will affect his Medicaid/Medicare. His case worker cant say one way or another. I get so frustrated he wont try the apartment. The land will require snow removal, he wont have close neighbors like now. Who will do that. Sometimes his wheelchair looses power or he gets stuck. He wants land so he can keep all his stuff. Old construction trailer he wants to use for storage. Truck, car, motorcycle, and jet skis, the list goes on. My dad wants to fix everything but cant bc of his injury. C5/c6 quad. Im trying to get a plan together, but i feel so exhausted after talking with him. Im trying very hard to help but its hard. My 2 brothers cant help. One lives in another state and doesnt want to help and one is in jail. My husband will help me move things but to where! I cant force my dad to sell things or move to an apartment. Im worried he will wind up homeless. My house is not wheelchair accessible. Trying not to pull hair out
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It's understandable that he wants life to go on w/o change and to believe that he can handle things that have probably long since become ungovernable. To admit that he's not in control of them is probably too much for him to conceive or accept. And it's a challenge for you or anyone to deal with these obsolete desires.
This can't work if you accede to his demands and perceived needs. I've found that it only does after a lot of frank talks, some resistance, but more importantly but sadly, when the parents reaches the point of being severely compromised physically and recognizes how much help he/she really needs.
There are tough and more gentle ways to deal with this. I'll only offer what I've found works; there are others here with more experience and insight on this problem.
Sometimes taking "sick time" can work as the parent realizes the son/daughter carer is human too, and gets sick too. Sometimes it doesn't work and the parent gets angry and resentful.
You can provide a list of what you and can't do, and it's non-negotiable. Ask him to provide solutions to what you can't. It may seem cruel, but you're shifting the obligation of maintaining all the stuff to him, and excluding yourself. This may just cause a stalemate though.
E.g., you can suggest difference methods of getting rid of the antiques - list different places that might take the stuff, provide estimates of the cost of delivery or pickup. I suspect he'll reject all of them though. But then, you have the right to remind him you've tried to offer solutions, he doesn't accept them, and there's nothing more you can do. Period.
It's hard to put a parent in that situation, but sometimes it's necessary.
But emphasize what you have done and can't do, and stick to your guns.
Sadly, there may come a time when your father falls, or has some kind of accident, and is forced to deal with his limitations. That might prompt a more realistic evaluation, but he may dig in his heals and resist even more b/c he doesn't want to deal with losing his mobility.
I don't know at this point that there's anything you can do except stand your ground, and recognize that he's trying to manipulate and control you, and giving in will only be a win situation for him. Then he'll expect more.
You're already stressed from trying to find solutions, knowing that he'll reject them.
This isn't much of an answer b/c there's not that much you can do when he won't cooperate, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in this dilemma.
WindyRidge faces a similar situation. I'll PM him and ask him to offer perspective from a man's point of view. He always had good advice, and as a man, I think he's more able to not feel intimidated or tricked into feeling obligated and responsible for some of our parents' more inflexible demands.
We all could make a list of stuff we want to have/do/own...etc. An adult understands that just because you really, really WANT something, doesn't mean you get it.
Your dad is acting like a kid and "wanting" everything to be his way, and it just simply cannot be. He's a quadriplegic? HE MUST have some help, right? Or is he chasing everyone away with his attitude?
He can't safely live in a trailer in some remote area when he's wheelchair bound. You see that. He needs to be in a safe, wheelchair accessible housing where he has access to the basics. Sadly, it probably cannot be on the farm. And he can't keep all his junk, either.
Have you posed it to him like that? He sounds a tad difficult to deal with. He CAN live "alone" but within reason. Like in a group home, or an ALF. There are options.
You can facilitate all the help for him that you can muster, but if he chooses not to accept it, you can't force him.
In the bitter end, you can call APS and report his as a senior in danger, or whatever the terminology is. If he will not work with you, sometimes letting the state step in is an effective tool. A wheelchair bound, quad living alone on a farm...nope, that's not going to work.
DON'T help him to stay there. And DON'T move him in with you. Start looking for some assisted living facility and prepare yourself for the inevitable anger that will come. I'm so sorry, aging, uncooperative parents are so difficult.
Since your dad is of sound mind (is he?) he gets to say where he will live (within his financial means). I don't think that APS could interfere until he actually moves and is having trouble. But you might call them and explain the situation and see what they suggest.
If he moves to somewhere you consider unsafe, maybe he should hire his own movers.
I do what little they will allow then step away. Your dad and my folks will have some crisis/disaster that will force the issue. About all you can do is keep on eye on things (any neighbors or contacts in the area?) and when he's found half dead in his stuck wheel chair call APS. Work with them getting him placed. DO NOT MOVE HIM IN WITH YOU. That will end badly.
It's so hard not to worry but after years of this I'm getting pretty hard hearted.
I'm guessing all this old man junk/hardware belongs in a junkyard. You and your hubs should not spend one minute messing about with that mess.
I know old guys like this. They have their beloved personal junkyards, live in old filthy places and there always the smartest guy in the room. My greatest fear is becoming one of these guys in my 80s!
It's also possible that your father has some early dementia, based on his irrational stubbornness. If that's the case, then for his safety and others, he cannot live in the farmhouse any longer.
Stick to your guns and put your foot down. Your father is acting like an adolescent who thinks he should be entitled to anything he wants and is invincible.
You have 'wide open spaces' when you live on a parcel of land. The neighbors don't hear if you sneeze.
Is is possible to get a piece of land (1 acre) and move a handicap-accessible trailer onto it? My dad had to leave his house and move into a trailer on my property and he loved it! I placed it so he didn't have to see my house every time he went to sit on his porch and he had all the privacy he needed. BTW, I was not allowed to co-sign his loan for the trailer - they gave an 85 year old a 15 year mortgage for it, all on his own income. He was in it for a little more than 3 years. He just had to put down a bigger down-payment which amounted to about $6000 if I remember correctly. And the payments were cheaper than rent, coming in at under $350 month.
Just another option to be considered.
Right now, it's a battle of the wills and you're going to lose. You can't reason with someone who is in your father's state of mind and pushing him will only make it worse for you. APS can help, and they aren't personally connected so they won't back down if he needs to be removed for his health. It won't be sunshine and roses, but it certainly sounds like something that needs to be done. Good luck!
As suggested by someone else, you may have to become sick and inaccessible for him to comprehend how much he leans on you. I do not know how much time you have before he must move out, but if you can be sick for the next scheduled monthly visit he may be less inclined to run off his hired help in the future.
This will be a rough road. Set limits and expectations. If he has money to put a trailer on an acceptable lot, let him. If he can't put all his collections on the property, he can rent a storage unit for some items and sell what he must. You have a solution for him, if he does not accept it he will need to find something he prefers for himself. Stand firm and set boundaries as far as what he can expect of you.
Mthr was also a hoarder and ridiculously stubborn. Her things were more important than me or her grandchildren. APS found me 500 miles away in another state. We saved her, hired out the demo and donated the land to the neighboring church. She's happily ensconced in a memory care.