I feel like I am at a crossroads with my mom. She has ALZ (still full functioning other than short term memory loss). Her care team wants her out of her home, as do I, and placed in assisted living. Mom completely refuses because she wants no part of living in an apartment and being with old people as she states. I'm 1,000 miles away from her and unable to relocate back home where I haven't lived for over half my life.
My dad, her husband, is still living but in a rest home and on hospice. She said she isn't willing to do anything until he passes, but he's been on hospice since January '23. I'm trying to respect her wishes and have hired on a caregiver once a week but looking to increase visits soon.
Two weeks ago, mom fell outside, luckily in the grass, but could not get herself up. So, she sat up and was crying and yelling for help (I have cameras all around the house outside). Luckily a neighbor was able to assist. Now, I'm trying my best to find a great place for AL for her because I know she has to get out of her home and before winter hits.
With all this being said, what has been your experience with a LO far away with ALZ. Do you think it is more beneficial to have them relocate to you, in a city they know nothing about, nor know anyone else, or is it best to keep them in the area they've been living all their life? My mom loves going to her favorite places where she is at. She is a very sociable person. I don't want to completely shatter her world. It's a terrifying thought.
My fear with moving her to me is, she won't know a soul, won't be able to relate or talk about common places since she isn't from here, and people generally in the area I am at are just different (North vs South). Older people here in the South, from my experience, are a little more reserved and my mom is not that way. She's very progressive for her age! So, I fear she will find people her age rather boring here. I'm probably way overthinking it, but this will be my biggest decision I've had to make to date and it's scary!
Anyone with similar experience, please share your thoughts! I'm struggling big time and want to ensure I do my best to make the right decision for the both of us.
I hope that things get better for you.
Your mum is adamant that she wants to be near her husband, and I don't see how you can force the issue. All you can do is try and put things in place to keep her safe.
I think that BurntCaregiver's advice is the best; look for a homecare company that will provide the care your mum needs in her own home.
I'd add, get her an alarm button to wear that will alert a service to come out to your mum in an emergency. Put things in place so your mum doesn't need to go out alone when it's icy - have food delivered and ensure that a carer is there to go out with your mum or to keep her company at home.
If your mum starts wandering at night, make sure that she has overnight care to prevent her leaving the house.
Also, she may eventually need supervision while cooking, or having meals cooked for her.
In the meantime, research AL and memory care facilities in both your mum's area and your own. That will help you when the time comes for you to step in and make all decisions for your mum.
You can't completely protect your mum, just like we can't wrap our children in cotton wool. People have to live their lives, and life isn't risk free.
While your mum only has mild cognitive impairment, you can only wait and see.
I hope it all works out okay, whatever decisions you and your mum make for the future. Just remember that it's your future, too, and that you also have to live your life.
Soon discovered aunt has dementia. Cousin starts bothering me to come out and stay with aunt. She says, "Aunt's going to be all over me. I have a family. "
If you want your freedom, probably not a good idea.
My parents are also very social, was a tough move and adjustment, but they love it and their new friends now. Can still go out for social but so much is right there for them (mom paints, flower arranges, cards, bingo, luncheons out, boating, etc. It isn’t perfect. They give up a lot, for sure, but they don’t have the house and other things weighing them down, and they can spend their days focusing on joy and fun things more.
Know that if she moves closer to you, she will rely more heavily on you for day to day help. It is a definite life changer for you as well, good and bad. Best wishes to you!
No answers--just food for thought...
Please look for helpers in her city.
See if she would be able to qualify for home care or assistance. Would she want to live in a senior living apartment that monitors their residence? Look into department of aging in her city. They can give you guidance on affordable care if necessary.
As the community has said- there are no easy or right answers. We just do our best , pray and wait.
Part of my decision making was due to inertia. During the 2-3 covid years things were working and it just seemed easier to keep her in her home state.
Over the 6 years I did look extensively at options in my state and her state. She was getting good care in her home state that I did not think I could replicate in my state.
I think if it had not been for the covid 2-3 years I would have probably moved her to my home state at some point.
I managed things remotely for about 6 years. It wasn’t easy but doable. I made the trip every few weeks or as various crises dictated.
My folks were very stubborn, wouldn’t allow me to hire any help for them much less discuss a care facility. I had to wait for the crisis, moms very bad fall, to move her, then dad into care.
At the time I had checked out assisted living facilities in their area and had one set to go. I wasn’t that concerned about keeping them in a familiar area as there were hardly any friends or family around but I do think it helped that they still heard the familiar WV twang around them. It was just much easier logistically. I can’t imagine moving them across three states at that point.
After mom died I did move dad to a nursing home near me in Michigan. His dementia was advanced then and he sorta knew me sometimes but it was much easier having him close. I visited every day until he died peacefully.
Good luck to you.
I don't have much in the way of family locally where she is at. My brother is the only other kid and he is non-existent even after pleading for help. Everything falls on me to figure out. Thanks for your response.
I move every few years for my job so moving her to WA was not an option. She loves CO and I ended up moving her into an AL there (even though she has dementia, when I moved her in she could still adjust to the new place. She is now "routined" and doing well). Even though she has no family in CO or friends that will visit her I wanted to leave her with her sense of "home" since she lost so much due to the illness.
Long distance caregiving is not easy. If you think that it will be too much of an extra for you then move her closer to you. She'll manage to socialize even if she doesn't know the local area. Sadly, at some point it may no longer matter where she lives as she may not be able to make any distinctions anyways. I'm working on getting a job in CO that won't involve a massive pay cut and will allow for a more flexible work environment so that I can be closer and do more drop-in visits.
I do wonder if she should still be driving. She may think that she's ok and you may not want to rock the boat, but if she causes a major accident that either hurts and/or kills someone else what then? I had to learn that I now make mom's important life decisions because she can no longer do so. It sucks, but is reality.
I certainly wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. I would say that, if you will be the caregiver, you need to do what is best and "easiest" for you. Your caregiving role could last for years. Remove as many obstacles (such as long distance) as you can.
Rest assured my mother is not driving. Doctors' orders were for her to not drive last year so the keys were removed. That has been very hard on my mom because she feels stuck but it was the best decision for her and for others.
First question I have for you is..can you legally make decisions for your mom? Are you POA for health and financial matters? If not this could be more complicated.
Ok, options.
1. Mom agrees to have caregivers come in and be with her. And this is not just during the day but 24/7. this would keep her in her home. Give you more time to help clear out and pare down what is needed and not needed. And it keeps her in a place she is familiar with and near friends.
2. Place he in Memory Care near where she currently lives. this will also keep her in an area that she is familiar with and her friends can visit (they probably won't but...)
3. Place her in Memory Care near where you are so it will be "easier" for you to take her to the doctor (if she goes to doctors other than the one that may come to the MC ) and visit with her.
Options 2 and 3 she will probably have a sharper decline since she will be in an unfamiliar place.
If you chose option 1 YOU must be the one in charge of the caregivers, she can not "fire" a caregiver, she can not tell them to leave.
Any option will provide a safer living situation than the one she has now where she is living alone.
Perhaps this is one where the best thing is to wait and see. As she deteriorates, the details of a move may become clearer to everyone. I’d question why the ‘care team’ are pressuring you now. Fear of liability?
If falling over on grass and calling for help getting up was enough to put you into care, I and a lot of others would be crowding out facilities big-time.
Since you don’t think she will enjoy elderly where you live . I vote for an AL where she lives if there is anyone to check on her.
We moved my father in law to AL close to us in a state he never lived in . He was miserable . He had no one at all in Florida ( he moved there to retire ) to check on him and we lived too far up north to make it possible to leave him in Florida .
He wasn’t familiar with what the other residents were talking about , when they talked about local places etc .
Her care companion takes her to her favorite spots. She no longer drives.
Also, there would be better chances that that in a familiar town, that an older friend or neighbor will move into the same facility. If Mom has to go to her primary doctor, again a familiar face.
For the most part whatever's going on at the AL will pretty much be her life whether you move her near to you or not.
Also, why is it up to her care team to decide if she goes into AL? Who are these people? Are any of them homecare that is actually on the scene in her house, or are they her doctor's offices, nurses, and social workers? No one ever discussed the possibility of a live-in caregiver/companion with you or her? I'd replace that 'care team' if I were you. If she's still fully-functioning with some short-term memory loss it sounds like live-in/companion help could be a good fit for her. It would also cost less than AL.
Could she move to the rest home where her husband is? He's been on hospice since January 2023? You do know that hospice pulls scams like this all the time. Getting seniors onto hospice care when they do not need it. Drug them into oblivion then shake Medicare down for all they're worth then the person "graduates" out of hospice. Please investigate a little bit what's going on with her husband. He may not even need to be under their care. So it's possible that him and your mother may be able to live together again which would solve your problem.
If them living together isn't possible and you're not going to go with live-in homecare, look at AL facilities near to you. Your mother will acclimate. If she's nearby, you can take her out places.
I'd give homecare another look though. I did homecare for 25 years and own a homecare agency now. Call a homecare agency (not one you've used in the past) and ask them to come out and do a needs assessment in your mother's home. You don't have to have her out of her house by winter. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Do you and your mother have any family or friends in her current area that could keep an eye on things if you go the live-in caregiver route for her? Things to consider.
And if not I would I would just look for one where mom is now. I think that would be easier all the way around. Either way it will take your mom time to adjust to her new surroundings, but like you said, at least she will have some things in common with the other folks there in her home town.
It will be huge relief to you to know that your mom is now safe and well cared for in memory care, instead of having to constantly worry about whether she is safe or not.
Best wishes in getting her moved sooner than later.