Does anyone else feel resentment?

You don't need to do this, and in fact you shouldn't do it just because you think you should. Move her to the appropriate level of care facility, and reclaim your life. A mother who loves you would want that for you. See an elder law attorney about how to pay for this, if necessary. (In case you need more persuasion, doing all the lifting in and out of her wheelchair, bed, etc. plus toileting or diapering, and bathing, is going to end up ruining your health if you continue to do it by yourself.)

My kid was pulled into the realm of life and caregiving..she had no choice.. the only choice she had was to visit a grandma. Do you want to visit The Who knows who you are and can say hello? Or the one who gazes aimlessly and doesn't act act like she knows what is going on???
You have a choice. You need to go with one of your parents and visit one if your grandmas... I suggest you visit the grandma who can speak...and knows who you are by name.,,,
Life lesson....

When ALL ELDERS have deceased, includes her dad,.... she is basically done...
"Do not expect me to "care" for you."
and I don't.. she is busy creating her own life.. heck, I didn't go through all of that as a kid..,
Grandparents were in another state. Saw them once every 5-8 years.. I was not involved in any of this caregiving scenario.. only what I heard my parents say.. I did not get to hear about my heritage from my grandparents. I missed out.. with that being says, my mom felt guilty by not being there when her parents were going through this. She did go and visit, but she couldn't stay for the long run..same with dad...,
So....

MG8522 said it correctly. Find mom a good place ALF..
you can the concentrate on the things that need to be done; like, being there for your mom as a daughter, living, loving, and caring.. you don't need to stay in the facility for any longer than her energy allows...
mom may be getting tired snd needs to rest.. take her cue of grumpiness and excuse yourself..I forgot I have frozen food in the car, I must go..
don't forget to leave her treats and for her caregivers.. even if it's just a roll of Lifesavers...! But then again they may be a choking hazard..⚠️

I think I was in the "sandwich "generation." Taking care of our parents, while bringing up our child,.
My friend is in the "Club Sandwich " scenario, taking care of parents, wanting to see her kids, and needing to see her grandkids!! I certainly could not juggle that.. I barely could juggles the Sandwich scenario.,
We csn only handle what we can do. Geez, can you imagine what Joe is going through ? And yet, Jane is doing this., ya, I don't know.. some people have more superpowers than others, I certainly can only handle a little.,
most of my plate has been emptied; everyone is gone, except my child who says I'm on my own. She's been there done that.. she's done..
I don't blame her.
. I have my living Trust and DNR, and POLSTand POA Directives on paper.. TAG SHE's IT!
😬🤣
Did I just put all that on her??? YUP!

I absolutely trust that I too will leave this earth.., hopefully with love , kindness, snd laughter ....
just be nice, appreciate the little moments, tell your LOs you live then, thank you..
THSNK YOU! Even the lil misspellings,

when was the last time you saw a double rainbow?
What was the difference between them? Weird, I noticed it., nobody else noticed until I pointed it out..,

First I have to say that I chuckled when you said that your mom has only partial dementia. There is no such thing as partial dementia, though she may just be early in her dementia journey, as yes folks with dementia do have good and bad days.
And just so you're aware the dementia that usually goes hand in hand with Parkinson's is Lewy Body dementia which is the 2nd most progressive dementia with a life expectancy of just 5-7 years, so she will go down hill quickly and will be much harder to take care of.
With your justified feelings, it may be time to look into getting mom placed in the appropriate facility where she'll be looked after 24/7 and you can get back to just being her daughter and not her resentful and overwhelmed caregiver, as I have a feeling that you'll only grow more and more resentful as time passes and that isn't fair to either of you.

"Lewy body dementia is a progressive brain disorder that affects thinking, movement, behavior, and mood"

Dementia also robs you of empathy. The person can get self-centered. Lewy body can make people aggressive. IMO, if your Mom is now in a wheelchair and Dementia has set in and you don't feel you can care for Mom, time to place her. I would say Longterm care because she will only get worse. She is too much for a private Assisted Living or Memory care. I would say a nice Longterm care that takes Medicaid if she has no assets. I agree that you need to talk to an Elder Care Lawyer.

Please stop being a caregiver for your mother, it’s unhealthy for you both. A resentful, unhappy caregiver will never be a good one. That’s not said with judgement, it’s just a fact. Your history with mom prevents you from being the right caregiver for her. Time for another plan for you both, no apologies needed. Call the local agency on aging and find out about her options for care, also her doctor, and a local social worker. Remain firm you cannot provide care. I wish you both peace

Her health (or lack of it) is stealing your life. Why wouldn't you resent it? It's normal to feel that way. We aren't all meant to be Little Mary Sunshine!

My mother liked to publicize that everything was wonderful between us, but in my mind, it wasn't. She had dementia (fully, LOL) for 5 years. It was terrible to see her suffering, and I was much relieved when she finally passed at 95. I managed her care, performed some of it, kept the business going to support her and dad, neglected my own work, navigated other pesky family relationships on her behalf, and yes, I resent it all to this day. She was married to my dad for 70 years but didn't help me with him at all when he was dying. When I asked for help (that she wouldn't have had to do herself because she had an employee she could have spared to grocery shop for dad and me one afternoon a week, which is what I was asking), she refused while telling other family members that she just couldn't think of any way to help. She wrongfully attacked my character when I was only 10. I cried for days because of what she said, still get teary over it sometimes, and I never felt the same about her after that. I was the scapegoat who caused her to get a cold at the school Halloween carnival because if I hadn't been going to school there (no choice, so ???), she wouldn't have had to help with the go-fish booth (her choice, but somehow my fault, so ?????). She lied about me to family members when I was an adult, disliking me for something I didn't even do; it was all made up in her head out of need for attention, and she got a lot of sympathy for her "pain." She was addicted to pain pills and tobacco during my childhood, which greatly affected our home life. She had an affair when I was a teenager, disrupting our household considerably. As a child, I didn't realize how unstable she was overall. I learned early that at my times of greatest need, I couldn't count on her. Then caring for her in her final illness stole 5 years of my life.

So yeah, a lot of us have had stressors as you do. We survived. I moved my family 900 miles away from my mother when my kids were tiny tots, and it was the best thing I could have done. We then had a better relationship because she couldn't feed off of my daily life to create drama.

You say you can't "just be there for her the way a daughter should be." Well, how should a daughter be? You get to decide that. Your kind of daughtering is up to you. My kind was to move far away and maintain a friendly relationship because of my kids. Your kind might be to stop speaking to your mom. Or limit contact to infrequent visits in her care facility, no phone calls, no sappy kissy huggy stuff.

Please let us know what you decide to do!

I was not the primary caregiver for my mom. I did visit her regularly (about once per week) for the final four years of her life. We did not have a close relationship; she did have close relationships with my sister and my older brother. I mostly made my peace many years ago with the nature of my relationship with my mom. What I do resent is that my siblings put all the blame on me for the nature of my relationship with my mom and do not acknowledge the role played by mom's nearly life-long mental illnesses, which severely affected me when I was a child.
I accepted (again, not entirely but for the most part) that I did not have an emotional bond with mom. I got through the weekly visits by thinking of them as a job. I knew the job would end sometime, and it did.

You shouldn't have to be her care giver.
It also sounds like she has cold mother syndrome. That's a thing. Ive spent my life trying to figure out why I thought my mom didn't love me.
You've already had one breakdown.
You need to continue taking care of your needs and mental health first and get your boundaries in place.
Take care.

Regarding Besiberi's post: Martyrdom is a choice. I don't support it.

Normal people feel resentment when they give up their entire lives to care for a sick parent. Even when that parent was wonderful to them. They can swear up and down they love caregiving and all the nitty gritty details involved, but they don't. They do it out of a misguided attempt to be loved and helpful and to repay that parent for changing their diapers as a baby. Some insist the Only way to show Love is to sacrifice your entire life for the parent. I'm here to tell you it is not. There are many ways to show Love besides changing diapers and carrying your mother around. You deserve a life of your own while still helping mother out sometimes.

She needs professional care now by a team of caregivers. You can go back to being her daughter again and relieve yourself of some of the resentment that goes along with 24/7 caregiving. Because one day you can easily hurt your back badly from carrying the woman around! As we age, our spine is not meant to carry such loads. In care, they have Hoyer lifts to do the heavy lifting. Please realize you're not a one woman care team. Look out for yourself now while still loving and helping mom with her new needs in managed care.

Wishing you good luck and the ability to realize that YOUR life matters too.

This is a very difficult situation for you. You don’t need to have your mother take advantage of you. Does she live with you or in her home? She could live in an assisted living or memory care facility where the staff helps her, then you can be just her daughter or son.

One of the responses here mentioned the possibility of Lewy Body. I know it can be involved with Parkinson's. My husband had Lewy Body, he was dead in 2 years after being diagnosed so it was not a long slide but it sure was quick. He could change into a whole different person 2 or 3 times within half an hour. I literally never knew who he was going to be from one minute to the next. After a really nasty fall which required hospitalization, when it was time to discharge him the doctor's told me DO NOT TRY TO TAKE HIM HOME. I did consider doing it but based on what had gone on before the fall I realized that they knew what was best and reluctantly agreed to place him. It was a terrible experience for me to see him in that place and I can only imagine what it must have been like for him. I went every day, tried to put a good spin on it but it was awful. I was able to apply and get him into the VA Nursing Facility only a 5 minute further drive. They gave him fantastic care, I know that isn't an option for everyone but there are good places out there. I know I made the right decision even though I really wanted him home, but I also knew no matter what I wanted it wouldn't have been good for either of us. Believe me he wasn't happy with me but he did gradually come around about being there. I would like to think he knew I wouldn't have been able to do it alone, but I really think he just lost all ability to rationalize anything and just dropped it. I would definitely get her into a skilled facility, it will be better for her and better for you too. It's a hard road to be on but somewhere we find the strength to keep going.

I took care of my husband at home for 9 years after his stroke and dementia diagnosis. When he was finally completely bedridden and I could no longer care for him, I placed him in a Family Care Home. He is getting the care he needs, and I feel as if I were released from prison at age 89. My health is still good enough to do the things I enjoy. And yes, I resented taking care of him. He was a not a good husband or father. Our children seldom visit him at the facility even though two of them live close by and the other two don't go to see him when they visit me. I hear what you are saying about being judged. His present caregivers and those who didn't know him before are judgmental of me but those who did know him understand where I am coming from. They wonder why I put up with him as long as I did. My advice to you is to place her in a care home as soon as possible and go on to enjoy your life. I don't feel any guilt, and neither should you!

I don’t want my kids to be burdened with my care one day, but I also don’t want to sit with a drool cup in the corner, while some worker who could care less about me, prepares to do a lousy job of wiping my butt.
I do not ever WANT to lose my abilities , and I doubt any elderly feels any different. It is just part of life. Just like cars can run for so many decades with repair and care, or they can be scraped because of neglect.

If parents acted like this when they have children with disabilities like autism, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, childhood cancers, etc,,, it would be so sad.
You could make the same arguments, and say, we are a healthy young couple that never asked for these hurdles, problems, extra work. This kid is stealing our lives away from us, it is not fair, etc….

This is just not the way family should treat each other. Look at how the loving and caring parents that have worked extremely hard, to give their child the best life possible.
So many of these children with disabilities and diseases, have achieved phenomenal achievements just in the special Olympics alone. All with the love and support of their family members. Do you think this was easy for them or the life they would have chosen for themselves or their children? This is just what you do when you love your child. Why would you not do the same if you love your parents? I am sure many parents are beyond unworthy of this type of commitment to their aging and health conditions, but so many are more than worthy of the love and care. Everyone just has to decide if their love for their parent/parents is worth the commitment of help, support, and love.

Your previous relationship with your parent does impact your patience and stress level taking care of them later. I wish I had more time with my Dad and would have moved him in with us in a heartbeat to take care of him, but he just dropped dead at 90 (independent, but on the precipice as all sorts of things were starting to go wrong). My relationship with my mom is complicated and I’m solely responsible for her, now 7 years later! My fuse is short, I’m resentful at times, she’s always been emotionally unavailable and when she has reached out to me for emotional support, I have a very hard time. The well is pretty dry and that’s on her, not me. Don’t blame yourself. And parents, don’t expect loving support from your kids if you didn’t establish a loving and supportive relationship with them before you needed them. “Duty” is irrelevant.

I know that feeling of resentment, a lack of closure and a lack of an emotional bond that should be there between mother and daughter (caregiver). It seems to have happened to a few caregivers that are friends of mine. I have taken care of both my parents in their mid 90s in my home until both had dementia. I have often been told that I should forgive and I should not be resentful and I should be happy to have my parents and take care of them. It kind of hurts because other non caregivers only look at what your parents are going through and I feel that as a caregiver I am invisible. Resentment is a normal feeling when you are expected to give care to your parent(s) without gratitude and love and most of all caring for yourself and doing those things that give you joy. There have been times that I felt so many emotions, guilt, shame, resentment and the loss of that emotional bond. For my own mental and physical health, I needed to find ways to take a break regularly from caregiving by hiring a professional caregiver or assistant living facility, set boundaries and literally walk out when I would hear the nagging and drama associated with a visit to see them. My elderly mother would leave horrible messages on my phone, write notes to me that she hopes I go through all of the horrible things she's been through. My dad continues to complain that he hates being where he is. I've moved him three times to different facilities to satisfy his needs. I learned that there is nothing I can do to make them happy and it is not my responsibility. Unfortunately, I allowed them to take over my life for many years, but I feel I am more at peace now. You are a lovely compassionate person who really cares, but you are the one who needs care as I did. I sincerely hope you find your happiness.

Absolutely. I resent that Mom didn't assign a power of attorney. That her HCP only said, "my kids know my wishes." That she spent money unscrupulously and left herself with a small monthly income. I resent that her husband of 40 years didn't take some of that money they made off their stocks and buy a house that someone in the family could have moved into to care for her, or could have been sold to give her more money to work with with care facilities. I resent that over the last SEVERAL years, I repeatedly told her I was concerned that she needed to see her doctor about her memory issues (I left out that she was starting to not be able to learn anything new or have her memory jogged). I resent that she is not the sweet, peaceful, gentle type of dementia but the wild, aggressive and entitled type.

And I resent that I resent all of this.

Thank you for sharing. I am very resentful but for now I see this as a job, mom's income helps me but it's not enough to pay for memory care. I'm not using my savings to pay for her care. I'll try to apply for the med assistance waiver but that's limited. Not many places have those beds available. Anyway my 83 yo mom was an alcoholic and has mental health issues, mostly her attention seeking behavior, selfishness, inconsideration, and her helplessness, along with depression and anxiety. When I was 11 the state took custody of me due to her neglect. Being an only child, no father in the pic, it was just mom and I those 11 yrs. After that we were never close I took care of her then as a child and here I am now caring for her with no help. It's only been 2 yrs and I'm taking it a day at a time but I so can't wait to get my solitary life back. I've never married and have no children just my beloved pets. I was a clinical social worker for years and that was draining, but I loved what I did. I'm a very caring person and it's in my nature to care for others. Yes I know I must care for myself and I do the best I can. Yes I'm resentful very much so! I m 63 still young I guess with my own issues mainly neck and back pain and 2 neck surgeries so far. I also have treated depression and anxiety. I'm a happy person mostly but have such little patience these days. Mom has it made here and she's cared for. No one would put up with her crap like I do. But one day I'm sure it will be too much and not worth the extra income. My sanity and peace of mind is more important. I will hang in there as long as I can. The money is my incentive and that I'm a caring person with a heart. There was no one to take care of mom so I went and got her to come live with me. Thank you all who take the time to write on here. Much appreciated.

The word that keeps you stuck is ‘should’—how a daughter should be. Duty can keep you stuck in a bad situation for a very long time. Your resentment has every right to be validated. Do everything you can to step back and get the necessary supports in place so that you don’t lose yourself.

"She didn’t willingly take care of her parents (who both had dementia and one also had Parkinson’s)." That is your answer right there.

Life is not fair, and caring for a parent is STRESSFUL JOB.

im not sure how yo respond.. and I am in no way able to judge anyone... but here I go!!
can you write little Q&A questions to ask your mom in a fun and adventurous manner?
Mom what is your favorite song, trip, story, anything you may want yo ask.
What is your favorite song or what made this your favorite song moment?
Your dad... how did you meet dad?
I haven't read everything posted here, but it may not be too late to start a conversation and it's not all about her.
As you know here on this post, you csn think about it or it's not your cup of tea, toss it out.. no worries...
my parents moved across states. They were not physically there for their living parents. Visits were dispersed between summers and health issues. I never grew up by grandparents. My mom would have bouts of agony knowing she should be there, but miles away and a faulty leaky marriage made it difficult..
perhaps through short truths and short honesty, you and mom may be able to understand a piece of a thread of what you two have been going through or experiencing in one portion of your lives together and apart.,
If you do think about this, choose a moment when emotions are calm..
do this in a light and calm, fun manner...keep these sessions short and fun.,
May these conversations continue in a loving and growing fashion.,
🙏

I felt like this with my father because growing up I was always last on his list, my feelings or thoughts did not matter as much as basically anyone else. I joke that I was an only child and still not the favorite. Then he got old and all these important friends and relatives disappeared and it was just me. NOW I was the most important person in the world to him. It was 45 years too late in my opinion.

Now we are on to my brother in law. He took care of his mom so he knew what could happen but made no plans for himself. Has no wife or kids to rely on so it is my husband or other nieces/nephew and none of us knew any of his personal details. I warned my husband years ago that he needed a plan and needed information but was told his family doesn't talk about that kind of stuff. He did bring up to his brother about moving maybe 5 years ago to a better location, but his brother deemed that too much work. SO here we are and his mind is shot but no doctor has declared him incompetent so he lives on his own but at least closer so family can at least monitor him. Moving him was a nightmare and he appreciates nothing. My husband is losing his mind over this. SO yes I am resentful of people who make no plans for themselves.

Resentment is common when caregiving

Yes, I feel the same. I came back to help my father with caregivers 4 years ago. He was more kind to me as a child but I have learned was also my mother’s enabler. He wouldn’t stand up to her to protect me. They both came from dysfunctional family situations. My mother’s is more covert. Her mother was abandoned as a 5 year old child when her parents died. She was controlling and manipulating with my mother and her sisters. And guess what my mother is? Exactly the same. Family turns a blind eye, distancing or denies. I lived far away but came back to help my father till his death. Yes, I’m resentful, distrustful and don’t feel guilty or bad for saying No anymore. Find some peace for yourself and don’t explain to people who will never get it. In my experience, it usually means moving away to a bigger city and starting again.

To all my haters:

JeanLouise - Yes, I am proud of myself. Thanks for asking!!! I try very hard on this forum to give a positive thinking option for people who actually LOVE their parent, parents, grandparent, husband, or wife to do their best to care for them if that is what they want to do. I have said many times that bad, mean, selfish, & abusive, types of loved ones may belong in a facility and that no one should necessarily feel obliged to give any care taking for them. Obviously, if you have a bad relationship with someone, it does not make much sense to caretake for them.

SnoppyLove -

I am not callous, unfeeling, kicking anyone when they are down, scolding, or trying to make myself feel better. Clearly you are having trouble with comprehension if you can’t understand what I wrote. The person writing was feeling bad about feeling the way they felt, and I was letting them know that it is a very LOVING act to care for someone. That humans that are not 100% healthy, are still worthy of being cared for and loved. I always sign off with 🙏❤️🍀
for prayers, love, and luck. So frankly, what are YOU even talking about? You sound bitter, snoopy and lacking in the love part.
You dont have to be so gossipy, condescending, rude, negative, or nasty. Try being kind! Your life will be better off, but if you can’t be kind, it may be time for a cup of your own.

Daughterof1930 -

I ought to know that caring for any human that is disabled in any way, is an act of love.
Of all people, you should know this too. You have the blessing of your special needs child, AND you cared for your parents!
The fact that you do not see the comparison of the compassion for a young child, teen, or an adult with any type of disability to an aging loved one who is now disabled is sad.
The taking care of loved ones in need, only comes from loving and compassionate people. I never said that parents should expect the care, demand the care, or have anny payback. Tell me where you read that from me? People with bad parents should not be a caregiver, because they will most likely be bitter or abusive to them as a caregiver. If it is not in someone’s heart, they should not do it.


Lealonnie1 -

No put down, no shame, just encouragement to be kind and loving to the people who gave you life, fed you, housed you, schooled you, and loved you. Horrible parents do not deserve the caretaking.
I only promote the kind, loving, care for the loving parents who do deserve it. I do not expect my kids to care for me, as I am blessed with the financial means to care for myself and my husband. It would be lovely if our kids looked after us, as we have devoted everything we have to them for their entire lives. I do not expect it, but it would a lOVING gesture to pass down through the generations. Bitter, angry people just can’t seem to understand me.
That seems to be you, who are you kidding?
Try being kind. Your posts are often hateful, not mine. Count your blessings LEALONNIE.

Fawnby -

How funny! All your talk of bowel movements and Hoyer lifts, & wheelchairs,
I have been there for many years. You are judgmental of someone you know nothing about. You have no clue of all that I have accomplished in my life. You can have my drool cup, because I am generous.
I never said you owe anyone anything. You should only do what is in your heart to do.
It seems you are clearly burned out, and maybe you and your mother would be better off with other arrangements. Your resentment will keep you from being your best you.


To all of my fan club of haters, please take your mean girls act down the road, as I am trying to give positive and loving advice to people in need. Not the typical, toss your parent into a nursing home and save yourself from a life of pure hell advice. It is a hard job to be a parent or a caretaker. I have been both for a very long time, & it is a blessing to care for your family. Terrible loved ones, obviously not