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Perhaps you could make it a question. Where do you mean to go to live, now that things have settled down since Mom's death? Do you need our help to arrange it?
Have an idea in mind of what sort of living arrangements would be best for Dad. An apartment? Independent Living? Assisted Living? You can’t just tell him he has to leave and not have any idea in mind of where he should go. Do some research, narrow it down and then tell him, “Gee, Dad, I was talking to my friend Mary Jones the other day. Her mom lives at Bedside Manor and wow, does she like it there! There are lots of activities and people her own age. They even took a field trip to the outdoor market the other day! Why don’t we go check it out? I made an appointment for us on Saturday!” If nothing else, Dad will realize you’re asking him to move out, but not ordering him out and you have a plan.
Just a question, would it be easier, or have you considered, a Fulltime Nurse, or even a live-in Nurse that maybe able to assist with the needs of your father, in his maybe, "comfort zone"? If you are located in Charlotte, NC I can help assist with these needs ASAP
Your profile gives no background. How old is Dad. How is his health?
I agree to see what is available for Dad in your area and if affordable for him. Then be honest. Dad its been 2 years since Moms death. I think its time to find a place of your own. I have been told there are a few places you might like and afford.
Then you have to deal with the reaction. You don't say why its time for him to leave so hard to give advice without a reason.
Please provide more info as has been requested. There are many helpful people here but they haven't mastered mind reading. Dont mean to sound cruel but if you could give his age and behavior to start with it would be easier for advice to be given.
Rather than telling him you want him to move out, be ready to tell him where you suggest he should move to. So do that research first: where do you think he might move to, where he'd be happy and independent and looking ahead once more after his period of mourning?
This is the difference between saying 'we don't want you here' and 'we think you'll love it there.'
I just have to share my initial reaction to your question and I am sure it will not be what you expect to hear but it reflects where I am right now and I just wanted to share it. My mother passed away 6 years ago and I wanted my father to move in with us. He was 90 at the time but in excellent physical and mental health. He wanted to stay independent as long as he could so he stayed in his house until this past April. I have wished and wished that I had encouraged him more strongly before to move in with us because now he is in Hospice care at home with pneumonia and we are so grateful for the 6 Months that we had him in our home with us and for the time we had to share with him. He transitioned well and needed only minimal care , meals , paying bills, transportation, and assistance with somstairs and some personal grooming and medications. He had some short term memory loss but otherwise our time with him had been a pure gift and blessing, even with the occasional challenges of being responsible for him 24/7. Just a reflection of where I am feeling now facing his end of life. I hope you are able to continue to spend time with your Father once other living arrangements have been worked out.,
I see that Smith 101 (below) has offered to help you. Whatever you do, read the recent Boston Globe articles Stranger in the House (in the last three weeks, forget the date) on how so many elderly people who have needed homecare help have been cheated out of tens of thousands (and more) dollars by people brought into the home. Please read the two article on this.
I second what others have said, you need to give more information about your father and why you want him to move.
I don’t understand why everybody thinks she needs a reason to have her father move out of her house. It’s her house. The fact that she’s trying to find a compassionate way to ask him to move out I think it’s quite nice of her.
What a horrible dilemma! If his lifespan will not go on much longer: Can you - or he-afford to bring in a caretaker? If not, and he still has years to go, you have to bite the bullet & claim your life for yourself. There may be no other way. You can’t abandon parents, but they can’t take your life away from you either. I had to move out of my parents’ house, which upset them. But I moved a few blocks away, and remained a part of their lives. I am now 80 and can still say to you honestly: you must put your life first.
Hello - my mother has moved back in with me for the 3rd time (long story) and is almost 92. At this point she has lived with me off/on for 20 years! My father died and didn't have insurance and she had no where to go - that was 35 years ago. So I let her move in with me to a one bedroom apartment. Well her getting her life together took 4 years as I gave up my room and slept on a couch. Then when I decided to buy my own home after a boyfriend of 3 years balked on getting married she jumped on that and wanted to move in with me...so here I am 58, single, working full-time and she's back. At this point I'm beyond burned out - just took this test to measure burnout and scored over 60 - so yes it's severe. I realize how much of my "good years" I gave to her - trying to make her happy. I now realize what a selfish, narcissistic mother she is! I know I need to make a change but there really is nowhere for her to go. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. And she really is self-sufficient so then I'm filled with guilt because it could be much worse. I'm suffering depression, joint issues - I have osteoarthritis - and now heart palpitations. I plan on getting my physical next week.
I've reached out to my family and while they sit back and judge and criticize - I get hardly any reprieve. They go about their life traveling and having their privacy. At this point I'm just MAD - mad at the Universe, God or whoever is in charge. I don't understand why I can't have a NORMAL life. I feel like I've had to pay the price for her poor choices in life - 2 alcoholic husbands - always trying to find a cheap or free place to live and then complaining about her situation - making my life HELL by her constant criticism. I'm mainly just venting - not sure what is down the road for me but considering she is in perfect health and her blood work just came back - better than mine - I feel doomed! Bless the caretakers out there.
You can set boundaries with your mom. You're feeling guilty for her choices, so you give up your life so she doesn't have to pay the consequences.
If she is desolate, she can get financial assistance, it's called welfare and it will help her with housing and food. Ever hear of section 8 housing?
If you are truly done being her doormat, kick her out with a list agencies that will help her and the address to the nearest shelter so she will have a bed.
My parents try to be that way with me and I just decided that if they wanted me to be there for them, they should have thought about that when I was a child. I won't ever let them live with me but I'll make sure they know who to call for assistance. It's more than they did for their kids. No guilt, no obligation, no regrets, I tried for years, they didn't- so here we are.
Be strong and fight for your life, my parents would not care if I died as long as they got what they wanted, sounds like your mom is the same. Take back your life!
Agree with above posters who suggest having a plan in place that he will like... ask him to go with you to check out apartments, and tell him how you think he’d love to have his own space and make his own choices. I did that with my dad- he was with us for about 4 months then went back to his house 3 states away and had a terrible fall. I moved him close to me, but in his own space.... it’s working out for now. He really likes being able to do what he wants, but I’m close enough to take care of his meds, appointments, meals, etc... you NEED your own space too. A place to go without being “on” 24/7.
I believe that more info about dad's health are needed. This is an awkward situation. I suggest you research possibilities in your area. However, I would not rush him into checking things out in one conversation. You might ask him if he ever thinks about moving into a place by himself now that mom has been passed away for two years. His answer might be one of many, including but not limited to, "I like it here" or "So you don't want me here" or "no" or "yes" and it becomes more complicated and difficult if he has even mild dementia or other health problems.
At the heart of my conviction, however, is my belief that you have a right to a more stress-free life.
I agree with others who say you have a right to decide to put yourself first.
Your father should have planned for his old age. He did not. Instead his plan was to depend on you. That was very selfish.
Here is what you can do:
1: You can sit him down and say dad this in not working and you are a grown man and you need to find your own place, I will only be a phone call away.
If he has dementia or is disabled in a way that makes it impossible for him to be independent you can bring him to "a place for mom" to ask for advice on where to place him based on his income level.
He must be collecting social security. There are a few very affordable government run facilities.
You will get advice here from people who have very loving and responsible parents and they may lay a guilt trip on you.
But the reality is that not everyone had loving or responsible parents. Some here had abusive parents, parents with severe personality disorders, neglectful parents, downright mean parents.
If your parent is any of the above, you own them nothing. If you choose to guide them to an appropriate facility then you are going above and beyond what they likely did for you.
I can empathize with you. My Mom died and my father moved in with my husband and me 2 years ago. Our life has been stressful since he moved in. I am retired and have become his major caretaker since he is on oxygen 24/7 and needs a walker to move. He plops in our family room and dominates the TV (which is WAY too loud despite many trips to the hearing aid doctor). When I suggest that he watch TV in his room, he says that he doesn’t want to “be alone”. Although he can fix his own breakfast and lunch, we wait on him for dinner without any please or thank you from him. We have to limit our vacation because we have no back-up support for his care when we are away (I am an only child). We no longer socialize in our home because it is uncomfortable for us to merge our friends with my father as he is interruptive and puts himself in the center of the conversation. If we disagree with his politics or try to “adjust” his behavior or comments, he goes into the silent treatment (reminders of my childhood) and exudes negative energy. My husband and I have been seeing a therapist to try to deal with my father’s interruption into our lives, but her only answer is (1) Get out of the house more - which means I have no privacy in my own home and let him continue to take over or (2) “put him in a home”, which will leave me with guilt for the rest of my life. He is 96, but will probably outlive me due the stress this is causing. Today I confronted him about his negativity and he said “I’m sorry I ever moved here”, to which I replied, “If you’re not happy, we can find other arrangements”. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation....easy to suggest that he go somewhere else, but I know it will be the end of our relationship if/when that happens.
I don't have an answer for the larger part of your problem, but get Bluetooth headphones for your tv. Or some kind of amplifier headphones. They will help a LOT. We always thought my husband's mom would come live with us until we got a dose of reality one week. (actually we didnt last a week)We're lucky she has the money for caregivers in her own house and wants to stay there. I hope you figure something out. It is so stressful.
Check out senior living accommodations. They have a set rent and are temporary. If you want to leave you give 30 days notice. The one we live in (American House) provides one big noon meal (lots of leftovers). For a slight fee there is housekeeping. All apartments have washers and dryers and kitchens so that breakfast and suppers can be fixed by the residents. Although the one we live at has a continental breakfast every day. They provide breads/rolls, oatmeal, dry cereals, coffee, OJ - everything you'd need for a decent breakfast. Also very important is the social aspect. Lots of folks to sit and chat with. We visited almost 8 places before we settled on the one we chose. There are activities plus movies and a library. The social aspect is very important to older people. I hope you will check this out.
1. Assess his physical and mental health. 2. What is his cognitive functioning? you need to ascertain this to know how to communicate/talk to him. 3. Write down on paper why you want him to leave for your own clarity to later on talk to him. This WRITING is important, don't just think about it - 4. Write down your fears or resistance to telling him how you feel. Write down how you value yourself 1-2-3. Write down your feelings, i.e., guilt ? confusion? and how you will deal with these feelings. If you do not know, he may very easily talk you out of it. 5. While you will need to flush out alternative housing resources (every city, county, state likely is somewhat different), you will need to be clear on your fears and reluctance first. You need to come from a place of grounded inner strength before talking to him. You can always still be honest, i.e., if he is of sound mind, you can say, 'this is really hard for me . . . I feel very conflicted . . . I've given this very serious consideration . . . this is some of the research I've done . . . here are some options. Remember, it is important to give options rather than set up for a yes or no response. 5a. Practice standing your ground. He may try all kinds of strategies to get you to change your mind, incl guilt, anger, etc. (I do not know his temperment; be prepared.) 6. Find out if his financial resources will get him in affordable or Section 8 housing. Most of these housing options have 'years' waiting lists. Good luck ! Put yourself first to be available to him later on. gena.
My dad moved in with us at 78 after my mom had passed away and stayed for four years. He is healthy and self-sufficient. He is a wonderful dad and was always on his best behaviour but even so, we both realized that it's not a great idea for aging parents to live with their adult children. The thing I found hardest to deal with was that in my dad's mind, he's getting older and we are still young (I'm 58 and my husband is 68). It was hard managing his expectations at times. I think he hoped that we would help him overcome his loneliness and make him happy again. Almost immediately he regretted selling his condo. He felt that he had lost his independence. We talked about it and he voluntarily went on a waiting list for community living. I told him that we wanted him to stay until there was an opening no matter how long it took. After three years he was offered a spot. I'm glad to report he is really happy there. He loves socializing with people his own age and ethnic background. You need to talk to your dad about how you feel. He's probably having some of the same thoughts as you. Best of luck.
We have done that what is the problem is he is his own person and he doesn’t want to leave. I have had this conversation with him a lot we even got him to stay in respite for 10 days while I recoup from surgery he did nothing but phoned me every day complaining about the facility thank you for the info but I have looked into everything I can think of I was hoping to get new ideas on how to convince him to go without kicking him out
Find a reason to take him back to respite care in AL facility and then leave him there. Work him into permanent placement. Do your homework first on the AL. Make sure it’s what he can afford and will meet his needs. Good luck.
All of the responders have said it - you need to live your life. Assistance to Mom is good and expected but beyond that - let it go. Tell her she will have to figure out some things, with your help, and get into a situation where she'll not be infringing on you and the rest of your life. At the rate this is going, she could live longer than you. Not acceptable. Get her into a facility where she'll be cared for and you can begin to do "your thing".
I don’t know what your finances are nor your exact housing situation, but in Pennsylvania and especially in the PA Dutch and Amish culture, the family builds an add-on to their home. It is called a grandparent house. It can be a separate building or an attachment. This gives grandma and/or grandpa their own little living area and gets them into a more independent living situation. Perhaps this would be financially beyond your ability, but I just wanted to give you an idea. If you go this way, adding on an attachment or separate smaller home would add to the value of your property. If you have the space on your property, you could also bring in a small mobile home. I know your situation is difficult. Try to hang in there the best you can. Everything will be fine.
Don’t forget that men of that generation were raised to be taken care of by their mothers and wives. I have seen it with my grandfather and father, when their wives were ill or injured they fell apart. They couldn’t cook, clean, do laundry, anything for themselves. So the chief need is to find a living arrangement that covers these bases. You will not only need a place for him to live but a service that will come to clean, do his laundry, cook/provide meals, schedule appointments, monitor medications, pay bills, etc. they can be as helpless as children.
I found a place it is assisted living this is were I placed him for 10 days he can leave when he wants they check on him make sure he is taking his meds and fed him he just won’t go i have tried talking with him and every time he says well I am going to die soon anyway i don’t know what else to do
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I agree to see what is available for Dad in your area and if affordable for him. Then be honest. Dad its been 2 years since Moms death. I think its time to find a place of your own. I have been told there are a few places you might like and afford.
Then you have to deal with the reaction. You don't say why its time for him to leave so hard to give advice without a reason.
This is the difference between saying 'we don't want you here' and 'we think you'll love it there.'
My mother passed away 6 years ago and I wanted my father to move in with us. He was 90 at the time but in excellent physical and mental health. He wanted to stay independent as long as he could so he stayed in his house until this past April. I have wished and wished that I had encouraged him more strongly before to move in with us because now he is in Hospice care at home with pneumonia and we are so grateful for the 6 Months that we had him in our home with us and for the time we had to share with him.
He transitioned well and needed only minimal care , meals , paying bills, transportation, and assistance with somstairs and some personal grooming and medications. He had some short term memory loss but otherwise our time with him had been a pure gift and blessing, even with the occasional challenges of being responsible for him 24/7.
Just a reflection of where I am feeling now facing his end of life.
I hope you are able to continue to spend time with your Father once other living arrangements have been worked out.,
I second what others have said, you need to give more information about your father and why you want him to move.
I've reached out to my family and while they sit back and judge and criticize - I get hardly any reprieve. They go about their life traveling and having their privacy. At this point I'm just MAD - mad at the Universe, God or whoever is in charge. I don't understand why I can't have a NORMAL life. I feel like I've had to pay the price for her poor choices in life - 2 alcoholic husbands - always trying to find a cheap or free place to live and then complaining about her situation - making my life HELL by her constant criticism. I'm mainly just venting - not sure what is down the road for me but considering she is in perfect health and her blood work just came back - better than mine - I feel doomed! Bless the caretakers out there.
https://www.agingcare.com/documents/Caregiver_Burden_Assessment.pdf
If she is desolate, she can get financial assistance, it's called welfare and it will help her with housing and food. Ever hear of section 8 housing?
If you are truly done being her doormat, kick her out with a list agencies that will help her and the address to the nearest shelter so she will have a bed.
My parents try to be that way with me and I just decided that if they wanted me to be there for them, they should have thought about that when I was a child. I won't ever let them live with me but I'll make sure they know who to call for assistance. It's more than they did for their kids. No guilt, no obligation, no regrets, I tried for years, they didn't- so here we are.
Be strong and fight for your life, my parents would not care if I died as long as they got what they wanted, sounds like your mom is the same. Take back your life!
ask him to go with you to check out apartments, and tell him how you think he’d love to have his own space and make his own choices. I did that with my dad- he was with us for about 4 months then went back to his house 3 states away and had a terrible fall. I moved him close to me, but in his own space.... it’s working out for now. He really likes being able to do what he wants, but I’m close enough to take care of his meds, appointments, meals, etc...
you NEED your own space too. A place to go without being “on” 24/7.
This is an awkward situation. I suggest you research possibilities in your area.
However, I would not rush him into checking things out in one conversation.
You might ask him if he ever thinks about moving into a place by himself now that mom has been passed away for two years. His answer might be one of many, including but not limited to, "I like it here" or "So you don't want me here" or "no" or "yes" and it becomes more complicated and difficult if he has even mild dementia or other health problems.
At the heart of my conviction, however, is my belief that you have a right to a more stress-free life.
Grace + Peace,
OldBob
I agree with others who say you have a right to decide to put yourself first.
Your father should have planned for his old age. He did not. Instead his plan was to depend on you. That was very selfish.
Here is what you can do:
1: You can sit him down and say dad this in not working and you are a grown man and you need to find your own place, I will only be a phone call away.
If he has dementia or is disabled in a way that makes it impossible for him to be independent you can bring him to "a place for mom" to ask for advice on where to place him based on his income level.
He must be collecting social security. There are a few very affordable government run facilities.
You will get advice here from people who have very loving and responsible parents and they may lay a guilt trip on you.
But the reality is that not everyone had loving or responsible parents. Some here had abusive parents, parents with severe personality disorders, neglectful parents, downright mean parents.
If your parent is any of the above, you own them nothing. If you choose to guide them to an appropriate facility then you are going above and beyond what they likely did for you.
2. What is his cognitive functioning? you need to ascertain this to know how to communicate/talk to him.
3. Write down on paper why you want him to leave for your own clarity to later on talk to him. This WRITING is important, don't just think about it -
4. Write down your fears or resistance to telling him how you feel.
Write down how you value yourself 1-2-3.
Write down your feelings, i.e., guilt ? confusion? and how you will deal with these feelings. If you do not know, he may very easily talk you out of it.
5. While you will need to flush out alternative housing resources (every city, county, state likely is somewhat different), you will need to be clear on your fears and reluctance first. You need to come from a place of grounded inner strength before talking to him. You can always still be honest, i.e., if he is of sound mind, you can say, 'this is really hard for me . . . I feel very conflicted . . . I've given this very serious consideration . . . this is some of the research I've done . . . here are some options. Remember, it is important to give options rather than set up for a yes or no response.
5a. Practice standing your ground. He may try all kinds of strategies to get you to change your mind, incl guilt, anger, etc. (I do not know his temperment; be prepared.)
6. Find out if his financial resources will get him in affordable or Section 8 housing. Most of these housing options have 'years' waiting lists.
Good luck ! Put yourself first to be available to him later on. gena.
he did nothing but phoned me every day complaining about the facility thank you for the info but I have looked into everything I can think of I was hoping to get new ideas on how to convince him to go without kicking him out
he can leave when he wants
they check on him
make sure he is taking his meds
and fed him
he just won’t go
i have tried talking with him and every time he says well I am going to die soon anyway
i don’t know what else to do