I read that you need to communicate differently with people who have dementia. So after angering her by trying to reason, explain, etc., I tried two different things.
One: I say “yes” or “yeah” in response to what she says. Her response? (angry) “how to you know that?”
Two: I moved to saying “uhhuh” and her response? "You think you are so smart, you are putting me down"… more anger.
What do I do? Thanks.
The point is to enter their reality and try to find a response that fits. Mom: "Remember that time I had tea with the President?" Laurie: "No, I'm sorry I don't. Tell me about it".
At the bottom of this page in the blue box poke Alzhimers Care. This has some helpful information. I try to remember the word ARE stands for never argue, reason or explain to the dementia person. When they say you will not win they are right! There are Tepa Snow videos "the dementia whisper" lady. All nice to watch but when mom is driving you crazy it feels like you can't possibly do this any longer! My mom argued and was irritated a lot. Then she fell and ended up in a geriatric psych. Hospital where she was given depression meds and depakote. Things are much better now with medicine. Sometimes I think it just takes that. I don't lie to her because she is in the stage in the middle where she will remember what is true maybe later. My sister came to visit and my mom said she grew up in Houston while watching the hurricane news. Um nope mom...Kansas. But my sister just said "lots of storms down there". The moment passed but if I would have said that it would not work ha ha! I think they look to us and read our face because we are the people that care for them and they trust us. Other people on here will have a better answer than me but just know you are so not alone in this! CWillie is right. Usually you just have to go to their world!
Example: the refrigerator is not working.
I have tried to explain that it IS working but she thinks I dont want her to have a new one.
She is complaining and angry non-stop about everything and almost everyone, and I am exhausted. I know I cannot reason with her or try to fix anything.
Yeah, constantly walking on eggshells has to be exhausting! BootShop's suggestion to watch Teepa Snow on youtube is a good one, her insight is amazing, but putting her advice into practice is another story. The suggestion of medication to alter her mood is also a good one. Being cranky, miserable and confused is hard on her as well as you, an antidepressant might help stabilize her and improve her QOL.
Using the fridge as an example: I told her it is working; my brother went over and said the same. So did my husband. She told both of them that I dont want her to have a new one! What? I dont care! She refuses all kinds of help. Every single helper that has come in has been bad. Every cleaner doesnt get anything done.
If its not one thing, it is another. So deflecting does nothing because she is "on to something else" in a second. It is like an ongoing monologue. I feel so guilty writing this, but I am drained, exhausted and though I know it is not "her" (and never was "her"), I am still drained and exhausted.
As for doctors, my brother has POA. She will only go with him and he is burned out and not taking her to doctor often. She does cancel alot. She is on Ativan, but they dont like her being on it. She refused anti-depressants. Things are dysfunctional and my brother will not communicate with me about her doctor visits or anything else. I do send him information that I feel is important .. very rarely ... once or twice a year, and no response. (example a hallucination she had). He saw her having a complete meltdown in hospital with delusioins about him and a nurse, and he remains in denial.
No diagnosis, but doctor first said she is cognitively impaired. then said to brother that she has Sundowners. Finally, I said to him, Sundowners is about cognitive problems (I dont use the word dementia not to anger him) and he said "oh the doctor took the diagnosis back).
I dont know. Maybe it is me and I am just not suited to this. I have been going at this for over ten years. First heart disease (so she is very limited and very ill) and then dementia. Many hospitalizations, falls, crises.
So sorry for ranting, but I am heartbroken and grieving. We do not want to put her in a nursing home, cannot affored assisted living, and, anyway, I dont think we could/should put her anywhere against her will.
I am trying to be a good daughter. I am trying to help, but ... nothing is right.
Once in a while, she is "back" and she realizes and she apologizes. I say "it's okay", I know you are suffering". Then she is back to being ill.
I know, despite all of this, that I love her and that she always loved me and if she knew that she was behaving in this way towards me and other people, she would be very upset.
My DH is starting to see people in the house all the time. Instead of arguing, I sat down with him and assured him these other people will not hurt him.
From my researching online, I know he will also start seeing people from the past who have already passed on. I told him, they will not hurt him either. I am fully expecting him to start seeing brothers and sisters who passed and most likely his parents. My goal is to keep him from being afraid.
At night he only knows me as the lady who takes care of him. During the day he knows I am his wife of 32 years. It doesn't matter in the long run - I am keeping him calm and settled.
Instead of your standard answers, try something like, "I think that is a wonderful idea! You are so clever!!"
Dementia doesn't take away the need to be appreciated and flattered. I tell my DH daily how good looking he is! He sucks it up like a sponge!
I told DH's son - sure, I yell back at him. He doesn't remember and I don't hold it in - better for both of us.
I combat the temptation to surrender to the negativity by doing, and talking. Do the dishes and talk, talk, talk. Vacuum, mow the lawn, etc.. Try saying, "let's clean the fridge out, that may help it cool better". I keep busy to deflect much of the obsession and negativity. Arguing doesn't work. The few times I felt I argued or spelled things out clearly, it seemed to work well.....for five minutes.
Now that's just my approach. My sister has the ability to just sit and listen well and to stay neutral. We all have own own way, I hope you find yours.
One day at a time and go look in the mirror. If you're doing the best you can, no one can expect more.
Next time with the fridge - tell her it's coming next week! Describe it if you want - God will understand and forgive that small lie.
Tell her about all the extras in the new fridge, like ice from the door! If she says she doesn't want some "extra" tell her you'll cancel the order and get another one. It really won't matter unless, God forbid, the fridge really does go out.
You have to learn to pick your battles and let the rest go. No, it's not easy.
If you want to have access to her health information you need to be listed on the HIPPA form required of each patient. It identifies who is allowed medical information regarding a patient. Your mother or your brother can add you to the authorization form.
Each doctors office and hospital requires this form. It would be good for you to be added just in case your brother is on vacation, can not be contacted or is unable to take her to the doctor or hospital in an urgent situation. If your brother is so over whelmed might he be willing to relinquish POA if your mother is willing to reassign it to you?
Finally, you sound like you need a break. Perhaps you could go on vacation? Could someone else stay with her? Some memory care facilities offer respite care so she could stay there a few days or a week while you are gone.
Be sure you have friends you can vent to, it is so helpful in alleviating the pressure. On really difficult evenings when I was afraid my patience would break and I would become unpleasant, I would have a drink or two to lower my stress level. Also I found walking a couple of miles a day helped me be more patient and less stressed.
Keep your chin up. Out of love you have taken on an arduous, thankless task. That makes you a special kind of person.
This two-part video may be a good place to start. Teepa talks about communication with dementia patients and gives pretty good demonstrations.
WorkSafe BC How to Approach and Communicate with someone who has Dementia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1KUM2Db8Bs
They say you can't reason with these kinds of people, but I hate to differ because to some reasonable degree when they happen to have a spell where they're in their right mind, I must say from experience, yes you can. They may forget the conversation, but they eventually come around again and somehow remember. I speak from experience because I had the experience of my foster dad before he was eventually put into a nursing home following some events
Your best plan of action is to just go along with what your mom says. You know the refrig is working, when she says it isn't go along with her, thank her for telling you, use fibs, letting her know it's going to be fixed. Move on to another subject, distracting her, "How about a piece of that delicious cake?"
Your goal is to avoid any agitation & aggressive dialogue & behavior. Try to remember the "less is better" rule. I know it may be difficult & sad, this is your mom, but you may find the simple "Ok, Yes, Got it," are easier. You may have to walk away, give you both a time out, to avoid anything escalating.
If the goal is to keep your mom at home & it sounds like it is, you will need help in caring for her, behavior concerns tend to worsen, old personalities are old selves & memories. You will have to find the "right fit," to help her with hygiene concerns, don't know if that's come about, but it will. Again, less is better rule, even though you want to help her, her anger & negativity will affect you as well, especially if you are her primary caregiver.
A good team of doctors is important as well. Sounds like there are health issues, so, an accurate diagnosis & the right meds for her may help. A day program, with activities & socialization may be good for her at some time. This will give you a break as well.
Dementia & Alzheimers is life changing for everyone. The more you & your family know the better going forward. Be there for each other, a family team is the best!
Blessings 🌸
She still reads the paper, but gets all the stories "wrong". For example: my daughter lived in Houston until 4 months ago--her hubby took a fellowship position in Virginia. Now I KNOW mother "knows" she's moved, I was in Houston for 10 days helping them move and then my daughter was here with the Kiddoes and we talked about her new house, etc and how much safer she felt already, moving to VA. Ok, here comes the once in a 500 year flood. Daughter is VERY safe, as she is 800 miles away. Mother is frantic, watching the news, expecting to see my daughter and her children being plucked off a rooftop. (and yes, that was very awful and I know people in Houston, so a very scary time---even as the water recede, it will be years before it's OK) But to mother, K was still in Houston and what was I doing just SITTING THERE not calling out the Nat'l Guard to go rescue her.
No amount of delicate persuasion could get her to believe I wasn't lying to her. I didn't calm her down and I tried, believe me.
Sometimes it's something very simple and she will finally lose interest, but like this with the flooding--I finally had to leave and I am sot sure she believed me.
As far as your brother taking over--why doesn't mom let anyone else take her to the drs? I KNOW Why my mother doesn't. I just wonder in, other people's cases why theirs are the same way.
I am going to have to learn better "dementia" coping skills. My other sibs are MIA and only see her twice a year. They have no idea how bad she's getting.
We can't treat her like a child--she's just hit and miss with this dementia. There are still times when she is totally with us---but when she checks out, so to speak, it's hard.
Sometimes, just for the sake of peace, I will simply agree with her on everything. It's maybe not the healthiest approach, but it's all I can handle sometimes.
No, she is not in a home (yet). I wish.
"As one of America’s leading educators on dementia, Teepa Snow’s philosophy is reflective of her education, work experience, available medical research, and first hand caregiving interactions. Working as a Registered Occupational Therapist for over 30 years her wealth of experience has led her to develop Positive Approach® to Care techniques and training models that now are used by families and professionals working or living with dementia or other brain changes throughout the world"
You can find many helpful videos featuring Teepa on youtube