How do I stop mom’s politically incorrect mouth?

My MIL was the same way. She had no filter and never held back what she thought about people that were not like her people. I’d cringe, especially at one Christmas when I invited my liberal Jewish friend for Christmas dinner and I could have shriveled up and died right there on the spot over what she said. I was so embarrassed. But I realized it was no reflection on me. In the future I just ignored her bilge.

Happily she never lived with me. Advice, limit her viewing of the news channels. They are toxic and add fuel to her fire. Explain to your kids that your mother lived her life in a different time and she will not change. Tell your kids to respectfully stand up for themselves.

if there is too much friction then she cannot live with your family any longer find a facility.

Misogynistic? Prejudice against women? Or is she just a big mouth that is not at all quiet about what she thinks of people? They are too fat? Too tall? Ugly clothing? Too short? Too thin?

Does mom have dementa? What you are saying about her is a common trait among those with dementia. They completely lose their filters and are often rude and outspoken when around other people. My mom did that too.

You cannot explain to dementia. The only solution, that did not always work, was to distract, redirect and steer the conversation in another direction. Isn't that car color pretty? Don't you like the picture on the wall? Etc......

Does she have any medical reason for her behavior - dementia or ALZ? If so, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it but redirect her or distract her when she does it. If she does, you may have to reconsider her living with you for the long term because the behaviors and the issues will only get worse.

If not, there are a couple of approaches. You are not likely to change her. You can try of course - even though we know it does no good, when my (raging narcissist) FIL makes his comments - we always call him on it. At least the most egregious. It's hard to ignore. He has chosen targets, so we have removed them. None of the grandchildren are around him without us. - they are all young adults. They have chosen to avoid him. Even when my nephew lived there, he stayed in his room or in any room where FIL was NOT. FIL lost the privilege of having time with his grandchildren. I don't know if that resonates with him, but I know he is embarrassed when people ask him about them and he has nothing to tell them - we hear him make things up. (for example, apparently my oldest is at school to be a sniper? I can assure you, she is NOT)

Does she only make comments to your kids? Or do her comments extend to unacceptable things in public? If I were you - I would sit your kids down and talk to them, give them complete permission to deal with it on their terms. Allow them the autonomy to avoid her if they choose. Allow them them the right to tell her that they don't appreciate it. Talk through options with them.

And if she does it in front of you - I guess as I've aged - my own filter has just broken - or my tolerance has - because when my FIL says things I just can't stop myself. I call him on things. He is a racist, sexist, homophobic, politically extreme, chauvinist, (add any other ist) and he will say whatever pops into his head. And we constantly tell him him that he can't say certain things and that he is wrong in private.

But in public - we let nature take it's course. He is almost 90. He is "competent" per the doctors. He is just narcissistic and has no filter and is always right. So he thinks everyone agrees with him. But after a certain age - when you make off-the- wall, unacceptable comments in public - people make certain assumptions about you. They assume that a person with mental capacity would know better than to make such comments and that the person MUST be mentally incompetent. So we just let them believe that. It makes things easier. We will apologize sadly and shake our heads and people will smile encouragingly and whisper that they understand, their (fill in the blank) has dementia/ALZ and they get it. Then they treat him like he is a lost child that is looking for their mother instead of an adult and it instantly deflates him and he stops talking because he doesn't understand what happened.

If telling her that she can't talk that way isn't working, and she is mentally competent, you have to weigh if you want to continue to have her in your home. If it is worth it to you. She is not going to change. How you deal with her is all that can change. We used to jump all over FIL when he said things in public and people thought WE were overreacting to an addled old man who couldn't control himself. So we changed our approach and went with public opinion. It works to our advantage. If she is competent, is there something that will stop her in her tracks? Something that you can do to turn it around on her or that your kids can say to stop the conversation when it starts? Or is it better to just walk away entirely and not engage.

I know it is hard for your kids. And you do need boundaries. Are those boundaries the door to your home? Are they making your kids off-limits? They are adults now - they can set their own boundaries too.

Good luck! The solution is different for everyone. But my mama bear comes out when someone messes with my kids. Even if it is their grandparent.

Really? How can you "stop" anyone's politically incorrect mouth?

If you feel as if your children can't be exposed to her, then really your only choice is to move her out. But I have to say, having raised 2 children into young adults myself, it's not necessarily a bad thing for your children to be exposed to persons with differing viewpoints, as horrible as you find those viewpoints to be. Your children are going to have to deal with people such as your mom in their lives, and instead of trying to figure out a way to shut mom up - thereby "protecting" your kids from her views - you might turn this into a "teachable moment" for the kids.

Explain to your kids that they are not defined by other people's opinions and should not feel quantified by other people's opinions of them. That it is ok to disagree with someone's beliefs while still loving that person and being respectful of them. That if you truly embrace the constitutional belief of free speech, that means defending ALL free speech, even if you find that speech disgraceful. These are valuable life lessons for anyone of any age.

As far as your kids "shriveling" - if you haven't already, you might want to ask THEM why this is. Their answers might surprise you. It could be they feel stifled having grandma in the house, regardless of her opinions. It also might have NOTHING to do with your mom.

If mom is affecting your children in a negative way then mom needs to find a new place to live.

Sorry but your kids well being comes before mom. Things can have ripple effects on kids that we may not even realize are happening. You say your kids are shriviling a bit from moms personality and what she says. Imagine another 5 or 10 years of them listening to mom.

Think about the negative things about your home life with mom when you were a child. How she made you feel and then think about your kids. They shouldn't be sacrificed because you feel obligated to take care of mom.

Learn the following responses.

'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.

'This is my house and you are here because I allow you to be. I will not tolerate (whatever offensive topic she's on) here. If you can't respect that, you will be leaving'.

'No one asked for your opinion so don't give it again until someone does. Which will not be any time soon'.

You might do well to teach these responses to your kids too.
There's one sure way to shut her offensive speech without throwing her out of your home.
Have a man tell her knock it off. The elderly generation male and female alike with the generational women hate (even the women hate other women) quiets down their unsolicited opinions real quick when a man tells them off.
Have your man tell her off and do it in front of you and the kids. This will shut her mouth up, guaranteed.

If mom is cognizant and she is fully aware of what she is doing and saying your response can be:
"Mom while you are living in this house you need to be kind, courteous to others living in this house. If you can not do that then you are going to have to find some other place to live. We can tour AL facilities next week."
"Mom while you are living here if you can not say anything nice I will ask you to leave the room"

If mom continues then you need to carry on with the plan to move her to AL.
If mom continues then when you all go out as a family mom can stay at home. (as long as it is safe for her to be alone, if not she pays for a caregiver that will come in while you are away.)

Tough to do...Yes.
You set the same "rules" that you probably had when you were a child living in her home. Remember the phrase "MY HOUSE, MY RULES"

My mother made similar comments to both strangers and family members. She was particularly harsh to my teen daughter and constantly said things about her weight. I stood up to my mother because it was destroying my daughter's self-esteem. These types of comments will always impact others, even if you try to dismiss them or allow them because you are afraid to stand up to your mother. You are teaching your kids that these comments are acceptable, especially as you aren't prepared to say anything to your mother.

You are the only one who can resolve this, you need to tell her these comments are unacceptable and allow your kids to do the same. If her comments are just opinions you don't agree with, you still need to empower yourself and your kids to discuss these opinions and not just "shrivel" because everyone is afraid to speak up. It doesn't make for a healthy living environment if only one person can speak their mind.

”Uncle Shamus” was the only “grandpa” my children ever knew. He adored my children from birth, and they adored him right back.

When they became old enough to realize that some of his comments were totally unacceptable to us, and to them too, we told them the truth- you can love someone very dearly but at the same time totally disagree with some of the things they say.

We reinforced this every time we saw Uncle Shamus.

We believe my children learned that human beings can be badly flawed and we can still love and respect their better natures, along with ignoring, and definitely NEVER ADOPTING, their terrible ones.

Worked in our family.

You say that these are ADULT kids. I cannot then imagine them "shriveling a bit" over this. You have raised them right, and then there is also the fact that your kids, as adults, are who they are. They will make their judgements for their own lives.

There is no need of argument with Mom. Everyone understands that she is who she is. And it should be met with a shrug of the shoulders and the words "She is who she is but we love her".

I don't see this as a deal breaker. But if you yourself are having a hard time living with Mom (for really, the adult kids will soon be flying the nest) then you should consider placement for her and getting on with your own life.

I sure wish you luck.

Grateful1too, it is very difficult to change someone's opinion if they feel strongly about it.

My era was the breaking of the glass ceiling, my mother's era was the opposite. It was so much easier to just bite my tongue then get into a debate over such matters. One example, Mom always had male doctors because she believe they were much smarter than doctors who were women.

If Mom saw a new woman TV anchor giving the news, she would say "that woman should be home having babies". My Mom loved watching sports, and she had her favorite teams. She knew the background of her favorite players, their rating, if they were married, and if they had children. I still remember when Mom saw her first woman sports announcer, my Mom promptly said "what does she know about sports?".

Sometimes I felt like I was growing up around a female Archie Bunker. My Dad wouldn't say anything, he knew it was best to stay quiet. His views were more modern.

I loved Mom dearly, and I learned how to present myself around others who had the same views of their era, and views during the past half century . And to listen to both sides of story. Then I do my own research :)

So Grateful. How long has mom lived with your family?
From reading your bio it appears mom was in a facility near your sister and you brought her to live with you? Were you and sister able to work through your differences?
Might it be time for mom to go for a visit with Sis to give your family some respite? You said you thought mom should live where she wanted to. Perhaps sister was a bit more in tune with moms behavior and can appreciate what you are going through.

There is a book called Boundaries often recommended here by Cloud and Townsend.

You mentioned that mom’s doctor thinks she is competent. She needs to be formally tested by a neurologist if she has only been seen by a 15 min GP.
(edit, I see that you have responded now and you also think she is competent)

If she is competent then you should speak very clearly to her about your expectations. Either way, a family meeting might be appropriate to decide if you and your children want to continue to live with her. Let her know that she is making life difficult for all of you and you will need to rethink the living arrangements.

Of course if she does have dementia, you would be wasting your breath.

It might be a good idea to see a therapist to help you sort things out. It is not easy to bring someone new into a household, regardless of their health and personality.
Maybe give yourself some goals and deadlines and a routine checklist to see if things are better in a few weeks.

One more thought, check out Teepa Snow videos. She teaches some great ways to communicate that helps move a person off an unwanted topic.

I read your profile

"Currently fighting my sister for POA where Mom wants to live with me but sister has put her in a home in her province where we all started. I think Mom should be able to live where she wants to."

So you now see why Mom was placed in a home by your sister. So Mom moving in is fairly new? I don't think I agree with Burnt on the way to tell Mom off but I do think she needs to be put in her place.

"Mom, you living here is not working. Unless you can change the way you talk to me and my kids, you will need to go back to the home. I cannot tolerate the criticism you constantly give. Its hurtful and degrading and I WILL NOT continue to put up with it. My kids need a loving grandmother and right now you are not it. This is my home, my rules and if you want to continue to live here you will show me and my children some respect. If you can't, then you must leave. Because my children's welfare trumps you as my mother"

In the meantime, look up the "gray rock" method. This is a good time for your kids to learn how to deal with personalities like this. You ignore them. You walk away. You never allow them to see they have hurt you. You do not engage them. And you tell your kids that she is a mean, sad, old lady. That people that treat people like this have a personality flaw. They don't care that they hurt people and its really sad that they think its OK. That they (ur children)are better people than that. Teach them the tools they need now to live in this world. There is nothing wrong with being a good/nice person. But, if those good/nice people don't learn to stick up for themselves, people will try and take advantage. I have a SIL who is a B***h and from what I have been told has been from day one of marrying my BIL. She does not care that she hurts someone's feelings. She thinks she in entitled to do and say what she wants. Me, I choose to stay away. I can tolerate her for about 2 days. I don't like confrontation so I choose to ignore her. I am lucky we live 12 hrs away.

Was your Mom always like this or is this something new? If new it could be Dementia. They lose their filter and say whatever flits thru their minds. It would not hurt for Mom to get a good physical with Labs. A PCP can give her a basic Dementia test. If Dr feels she may have Dementia, then you take her to a Neurologist to find out what type so she gets the proper medication. Even if he says she passed the test but you think differently, see a Neurologist. She could have had a stroke.

Stick by your guns, if she doesn't straighten up, then she goes back to the home.

Grateful, I'm assuming based on your response to 97yroldmom, and your profile, and the fact that mom lives with you now...that when you decided to bring mom to live with you, your sister agreed to the terms only with the understanding that if you chose to take her out of the care facility, you were on your own?

You say "Sister will not take mom in for any length of time nor call nor visit. She doesn’t believe in the family dynamic as you know it." As gently as I can put this, and I don't know the full situation obviously...but I can pick up a lot from how you have described your mother in your own words. "She has never made the life decisions I can respect." "She speaks definitively as though her opinions carry great weight." YOU describe her as judgey and misogynistic.

I'm getting the sense that your sister put your mother in a care facility because she knew she didn't want to live with her for all of the reasons that you yourself used to describe her. Those things don't just happen overnight unless her mental capacity changes. If she has always been that way, then you grew up feeling the same way that your kids do right now. And possibly even being groomed to take care of her one day.

I don't know you or your sister. So I don't know if she doesn't believe in the family dynamic or if she just put boundaries in place for herself and stuck by them because she knows exactly what will happen if she spends time with your mother. Perhaps it is time to really consider the reality that is in your home. DID you grow up with your mother behaving this way? Has she always been like this? Because if she has...you can put all of the rules you want to in place. You can put them on the walls, you can frame them, you can even make her sign a contract that says she is aware of them and agrees to abide by them. But she won't. Because she believes deep in her heart that she doesn't have to. She still thinks you are the child and that she doesn't have to follow your rules and she is going to continue to do what she wants to do.

AND if that is the case, you will have to make a choice as to how you wish to proceed. Because we can give you all kinds of creative ideas for how to get her to "be nicer" but it won't make a bit of difference if she can't or won't.

Alrighty, not sure what my sister has to do with any of this, but since people like to bring her up here for some reason, whereas I never did:
My sister sold Mom's house out from under her without permission in attempt to control her money. She took Mom's phone away for 3 weeks and did everything in that time unbeknownst even to me. Mom cried to me to get her out of care where I found her in a drugged up stupor, and if this were an appropriate forum to spend time with the nuances of +100 page affidavit I had to file of the elder abuses Sister had put Mom through, I might.
But I never brought up my sister here because how irrelevant is that to figuring boundaries to be able to live in peace with Mom. All good. I feel this is resolved and we'll be fine. thanks all.

"Currently fighting my sister for POA where Mom wants to live with me but sister has put her in a home in her province where we all started."

This was your Profile post. So you did bring up ur sister. In our experiences when someone places a LO in a home its because the care has gotten overwhelming for the Caregiver or the LO is or was abusive in some way. Putting down someone verbally is abuse and can have a life-time effect. Some people have the confidence to let it roll off their backs even come back at the person without being nasty. Then there are others that take it to heart and believe that maybe the person is right. Have u ever thought that Mom was drugged up because of her mouth? Especially if targeting other residents. And her phone, maybe she was abusing it by calling your sister all day long being abusive? Or maybe even friends and they were complaining to ur sister.

My daughter was on the chubby side as a kid. My Uncle had a personality disorder. He did not care if what he said or did hurt someone or not. His own sister did not like him. He weighted over 300lbs and had the nerve to tell my 12 yr old DD she was fat. Now my daughter even at 12 stood up for herself. This time she kept quiet. When we left she said "Mom I so wanted to come back on him so I was good" I agreed she was good but that I would have said nothing if she had said something. She is 45 and still hates him but its never effected the way she looked at herself. My youngest would have taken it to heart and has with something that happened when she was 5. What happened to her at five has effected the way she looks at herself and she is 37.

If your Mom has Dementia there will be no reasoning with her. Her short-term memory goes first so from day to day minute by minute she will forget any boundary you have set. If no Dementia you may be able to but seems this is Moms personality so going to be hard to change her. Your children will need to be taught how to deal with this. You set your boundries and stick by them. If she refuses to change, then you may need to place her again. Your home needs to be a safe place for your children. A place they can get away from the world and know there is unconditional love. They can be themselves.
And what you can kindly tell Mom is that she needs you more than you need her so she needs to change or she is going to find herself back into a NH. I am not beyond a little threat.

Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend to learn how to set down boundaries in your own home. But don't delude yourself that you'll be successful in teaching an old dog new tricks. Your mother is a prime example of why multi generational living rarely works out, except in theory. And why senior housing of all kinds is popping up like flowers on every street corner, at least in the USA. Not many of us have nerves of steel.

Get mom out of your home and living elsewhere if your children are "shrivelling a bit" due to their grandmothers belief in being perfect. Your children's happiness should always be your #1 goal in life. Nothing else comes before them. Too bad mom can't see what a negative influence she's having on her own family. But that's typical of her personality type.

Good luck to you

When people use words like "judgy" to describe their parents - I can usually just ignore it. I think most of us as parents are considered judgy by our kids at some point- to some extent.

But when you start adding in words like "misogynistic" and saying that your adult kids are beginning to "shrivel up under the weight of her judgment" it sends up red flags. And then you add in your profile which talks about "fighting your sister for POA" - because your mother wants to live with you. All due respect - of course she does!! What parent ISN'T going to want to live with the child that will take them home to live with them over the one that is going to send them to a skilled nursing facility. Slam and Dunk for mom. I don't mean to be rude at all with this.

I admit - after all of these years with my narcissistic FIL - I see Zebras as quickly as I see Horses when people start describing overly self-involved, judgmental, people and I have to be careful not to call someone a narcissist when they are really just super self-focused. But you had this to say about your mom and sister's interactions:

"My sister sold Mom's house out from under her without permission in attempt to control her money." HOW? You said your mom was deemed competent by the doctors. How was your sister able to sign away rights to your mother's home without her permission, if her name was not on the deed and your mother was not in agreement if she is competent? Your mother would have had to have granted permission and SIGNED the paperwork. I can assure you there is literally no way we could sign away rights to my FIL's home right now. Not even with DH and SIL sharing POA because it is not activated.

"She took Mom's phone away for 3 weeks and did everything in that time unbeknownst even to me." Again - I just don't understand how she was able to take control, sign your mother into a home, sign away the deed to her home, get control over everything if the POA was not activated and your mother was still considered competent. People who have mental capacity are not just ignored and thrown into a home and locked away. Unless they are put on a psychiatric hold.

"Mom cried to me to get her out of care where I found her in a drugged up stupor, and if this were an appropriate forum to spend time with the nuances of +100 page affidavit I had to file of the elder abuses Sister had put Mom through, I might." THIS I actually would be curious about to be honest - because this would actually explain the family dynamic and how your sister was able to do everything that she was able to do - because it would have taken an underhanded doctor working against your mother to do all of this and get her admitted to a facility against her will and activate the POA (that I still don't understand if you shared it or if Sister had it and you some how transferred to you - which I don't see how that happened if she wasn't competent, and if she was we are back to how did this all happen TO her?

I doubt you can stop your mother's politically incorrect mouth. This is who she is and has been, I suspect, for years and years.

Setting boundaries involves you changing - not her. If you set boundaries and stick to them she may change or she may not.

Setting a boundary means determining a consequence for a particular behaviour of another person, letting them know what the consequences for that behaviour is and when that person demonstrates that behaviour, you respond with your predetermined and openly stated boundary.

e.g. Mother calls X type of people ignorant. You state that you will not continue a conversation with her if she speaks like that about X type of people, Next day, mother again says X type of people are ignorant. You apply your consequence and cease speaking to her, and perhaps, leave the room.

This doesn't change her - it changes you and therefore changes the dynamic in your relationship with her. It also demonstrates to your kids that you disapprove of and discourage that behaviour and models a boundary for them.

Mother may or may not change. Likely she will ramp up unacceptable behaviour in response to your boundary at first. You still stick to your boundary.

I know there is a history to your mum being with you. You must have been aware of her of her politically incorrect mouth. What did you expect to happen when you moved her in with you?

Considering the effect of her behavior on your children, I would consider placing her in a facility. The peace of your home and the welfare of your children should, IMO, come first.

Wishing you the best, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend as mentioned by lea is an excellent book. Counseling can also be helpful in these situations.

Gratelful - I was not questioning your character - my apologies if it came across that way. That was not the case I assure you.

I was questioning whether your mother has capacity. Or at the very least for additional detail. It is very unusual for someone to be able to do all of the things that your sister did to your mother without outside help or the elderly person in question being unable to manage their own legal and financial responsibilities any longer and being much more vulnerable to being scammed. I'm assuming that up to that point your mother trusted your sister and this was unusual behavior for her? That she didn't have any reason to not trust her or expect her to do this?

You will find I'm not quick to judge, I tend to ask questions for clarity. You have laid out a number of concerning aspects of your life regarding your mother and I was trying to understand what the rest of her life looks like. Her relationship with your sister was pertinent to understand because if she treated your sister the way that she treats you and your children - that's a pattern- and it is not one that will change - and you would need to plan accordingly.

What happened to your mother was wrong and for that I'm very sorry.

That still does not mean that you have to continue to allow your children and yourself to be at your mother's mercy regarding what could amount to verbal abuse. You say your children are young adults. Are you prepared for the day they get fed up with it and don't want to deal with it anymore and just decide to move out? That's the natural progression anyway, but plenty of young adults are living with their parents much longer because of the economy and how expensive things are, and your children may have intended to stay longer, but may decide that if their grandmother is unable to change her ways and is remaining in their home that they will have to find another option.

Your original question was "is it possible to live with this?" The answer is up to you. You are already living with it. But you are not happy. Your children are not happy. The only one happy with the situation is your mother. You can try some options to see if she is capable of changing. But very often - and for good reason - the vast majority of people have great difficulty changing their ways after a certain age because they have always done things they way they are doing them. I'm not saying people can't change. But a lot of they time they WON'T change without some major reason/encouragement to do so. And boundaries get stomped all of the time.

So the real question is - where is your line in the sand? When does it become too much? For a lot of people the answer is never. They just deal with it because they don't want to make the other choice. And if that works for you, that's ok. Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of sending their parents to live in a care facility. I'm not for my mom, I am for my FIL and my grandmother. It just depends on the person and their level of care and needs for me. The good of the many outweigh the good of the one so to speak.

Grateful - I'm curious what you mean by this statement:

"**Unfortunately, it is so very wrong to say "I can assure you there is literally no way we could sign away rights to my FIL's home right now. Not even with DH and SIL sharing POA because it is not activated" because:
***Documents like POA, even Committee of Estate/Person have no effect where an entity is not aware that such is in place, or where there is profit to be made***
Just another one of society's disservices to the vulnerable."

How is it wrong? I'm not even sure I understand what that statement means. We cannot sell my FIL's home. We have literally no rights to it. It is his home. The only way we could sell his home is on HIS behalf for HIS benefit if he needed the funds - and only IF the POA were to be activated. And he is fully aware that the POA is in place - he is the one that named the POA - that is legally the only way a POA can be named and only while he has the capacity to name them.
When you say "entity" are you referring to a bank or realtor? If so, if a person has legal capacity, they (at least with banks) are not supposed to deal with anyone but the legal owner of said property for example. If they even talk to someone else and they are not on the deed to the property, the legal owner is required to be present and give them permission to talk to their representative. FIL just did some business recently, and they wanted to know if BIL/SIL were involved with it. It was with regard to his home. He is the sole owner. They were not involved, he still handled his own business, signed his own documents, etc. He did most of the business online and there were some online signatures but they still sent a notary to his home to get the finalized documentation. I realize a lot of stuff is done online now - but all of the proper identification is required, which would also mean that your sister had to steal your mother's identification in order do the things she did. Aside from elder abuse you've probably got identity theft and fraud in there too.

Even if we were the type of people to attempt it for our own gain for some reason - which we absolutely are not- it would be pure folly for us to do so because that is his major asset at this point to cover his care if he needs to go into a care facility at some point and if he needed Medicaid and any of us benefited from the sale of his home- Medicaid would come after the ones who did for the lookback period and claw back the money. So it would be sheer stupidity.

Frankly - at this point - with his care needs increasing so dramatically recently - I'd be content with every single penny of his assets going to his care and there not being a penny left for anyone to inherit if it meant that he was able to go somewhere that he was able to be cared for 24/7 and the responsibility of providing his care was taken off of my SIL who lives with him.

To be honest - not everyone is like your sister. A lot of us are like you - just trying to do the best that we can. We are too busy trying to take care of him.

To get back to your post, OP, I’m curious about what M actually says that is such a problem.

Not too many women are misogynistic, that is put down women just for being women. Is this really what you mean? What are her “judgy ways” about? Politics? Race? Clothing and appearance? “She speaks definitively as though her opinions carry great weight”. What about?

Do your adult children “shrivel” because of the way she talks to visitors, including their friends? Or why?

There have been many posts about how to deal with all these types of comments, particularly in public, but it’s hard to reply to you without more information.

Unfortunately, one cannot control what another person says or doesn't say, especially if they believe they are perfect. Therefore, the only boundaries that you can control will be physical boundaries.

Add to the mix that what you consider politically incorrect, someone else outside your family may say that "they are just telling it like it is".

You have a duty to protect your children, yet provide them with enough experience so that they become socially acceptable adults in whatever society they choose to live in.

If your Mom truly does not want to change her ways, maybe you can find your Mom senior or subsidized housing so that she doesn't have day-to-day influence on your children.

Good luck.

Sorry for your situation. Since this is your home with your rules, your mother needs to be moved out to her own place. I don't care if it was my own mother. Zero Tolerance. Her bad behavior does not gain yours and your kids respect. Contact your county on aging service to obtain a social worker and seek your mother's alternate shelter to remove her toxic environment from your home.

And, I've just spent 20 minutes going through comments and did not even read all of them. I see the views about unwarrented comments including politics. Your mother needs to stop or she will move out Now. Your mother needs to be moved out into a facility, not only for your sanity, but for your kids. Anger and rudeness can rub off to the kids and make them bullies in the society, repeating the cycle that skips a generation.

Choose your children! Your first responsibility is the kids…not mom.

The peace of your home and the health of your children come first. Is it possible to live with this behavior? Sure it's possible...for you if you choose to do so. Place her for their sakes.

You don't want the Department of Human Services to come into your home. They will take your children. I would not live with this. Your children are the most important liabilities you have NOT YOUR MOTHER. Its time to find another place for your mother to be.

Prayers

Non pc vs. PC and offensiveness are subjective. I read through oodles of responses, but didn't see an example of what she said that was offensive to you and your grown children. This might be a good lesson for your adult children on how to properly and maturely deal with "ideas" they may not agree with. I put it in quotes, because I haven't read what your mother actually said.

I did read that you had her examined and she has her faculties. From that I would assume she's always had these beliefs and you must have known about them before you moved her in.

Offensive terms, words and issues are changing on the daily. Examples of her speech might be helpful here. I don't agree with "shut up or get out" advice or threatening her with a nursing home if she doesn't change her opinions. It would be different if she was visiting. You moved her in, she's a grown woman who doesn't have a mental illness. If your home is her home she should be able to express her thoughts and feelings too, not walk on eggshells.

Is it possible the mistake was yours for having her move in instead of placing her in a new facility where you wouldn't be offended by her conversation?

You also mentioned province. Canada? Some of us Americans may not agree with all Canadian ideas on speech restriction an pc culture. But I don't believe the news will change anyone's belief system that was set most likely when she was younger.

Again, I haven't read what she said that was so offensive...so my two cents are worth only that.

So many children have a difficult time sitting down and talking to their parents about tough subjects. Of course, respect your mom but don’t take crap from her. I would tell her that you are happy to have her living with you but there are some boundaries that she has to respect if she wants to continue living there. Calmly tell her what it is that you are uncomfortable with. Remind her that these are your children and you want them to reflect your values and ethics. And, stick to it. When she crosses those boundaries, even in front of others say, “Mom, remember our discussion?” If you are able to make this work let your children know that you had a talk with your mom because you don’t want them to ever reflect her rudeness or what she thinks life is all about. That way, they will feel more comfortable if they need to tell her they don’t agree with her, or walk away when she starts up. If this continues tell her you are looking at alternate housing options for her. I hope you have POA over your mom. If not, it would be a good idea to get it. That could be part of her continuing to live with you. I’m not a cold hearted person I just think that everyone involved in generational living situations has the right to be comfortable. Your quality of life is also important, and certainly your children’s. As you said, she has always been this way. Good luck.

You’re the only one as your children’s parent who gets to decide as any parent does what you want your children exposed to in your own home. While we can’t control what they may be exposed to other homes or the world, your home is your domain to create a safe and comfortable place where you set the boundaries. I would start by having a private serious talk with her where the only focus is clearly laying out what is and isn’t allowed in your home around your children. Don’t let others imply since she’s their grandmother it should be tolerated. Absolutely not these are your children we’re talking about. They’re nobody else children. At the end of the day what’s most important is knowing you did everything as their parent to ensure they were raised in a home with love and consistency, including consistency with those dearly held values important to you.
Let me just say I can see how much you love and want to protect your children from anything that deviates from that within your home and rightly so- children who are raised with conflicting beliefs causes a sense of insecurity and confusion, it’s not emotionally healthy. With that in mind if grandma is not willing to respect those boundaries your children are the top priority and at that point t would have her find other options to live. I know you mentioned this isn’t due to dementia it’s been a life long thing, she sounds primarily interested in having what she wants without regard to others feelings or needs.
I wish you the best for you and your kids sake