I wrote this on my bio because it is so serious. But I should have put it as a question. Here is the info: My father was always a powerful leader and controlling. He was very emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive to my sister and I growing up. Now he is elderly and has not changed. He is in his 80's. My cousin was much younger but received much of the same treatment as we did. Now my sister and cousin are starting to yell back at my Dad and tell him how he has abused us and ruined our lives. Because he is so old, he is not as powerful, though he tries to say the same things to control everyone. I want to be there for my Dad and in his life, but it is so painful. Now it is even worse because my sister and cousin are now standing up for themselves. When they do they tell my Dad how he ruined my life too and hurt me, it tears me up because my whole life if I ever spoke back when my Dad was cruel, he hurt me worse. Now they are speaking out and at times saying hurtful things even though they are true. I don't know what to do. How do people handle abusive parents when they are elderly? I am still being loving, and won't say anything even to stand up for myself. But so many truths are now coming out. My cousin especially wants to go off on my Dad about abusing me now that my Dad is not as strong. I don't know what to do. My Dad lives with my Mom and my Mom has always stayed silent when my Dad hurts us and even set us up to be hurt. My Mom insists on talking to me every day. I feel guilty because I don't want to hear from them so often. Also, I have long haul covid that I have had over a year that attacked my muscles so I am in constant pain. The stress from my parents is making the physical therapy I am in almost worthless. Any help would be a Blessing please
There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It is a must read! It literally transformed my life. I no longer would allow her to abuse me. And when she saw I was no longer going to be abused, she slowly began to change over several years. I am sure her being dependent on me had a lot to do with it, but I was grateful, nonetheless. It was extremely difficult but well worth the outcome.
Another thing that was a tremendous help was a video I came across regarding forgiveness. (I will gladly share if I can get it to you somehow.) It was the best thing I ever heard regarding forgiveness of abuse. It was so good, I transcribed it. I read it over and over. She wasn't the only one who changed, I did as well.
After many prayers and tears, God answered my prayers. We have a wonderful relationship now and it is a joy to care for her. We have made so many wonderful memories over the last several years as I have very few childhood memories as I blocked it out due to all the trauma.
When I told myself I didn't have to care for her, I chose to, and I was in control of how I handled things. Mentally everything changed and real healing could begin. I am so glad I put in the hard work. I hope in some way this helps you. Hugs! Christie
That's the reason they need professional help, and that would be my recommendation. We here on Forum can sympathize and say we are sorry and how wretched and all of that. That will not do you any good. The way we act in relationships is partially habitual and we need to get shaken up good in order to try a new path. You are suffering but you are living in the "known" and nothing is so scary as the UNknown. Get help for yourself. You deserve it. I sure do wish you the best.
What kind of caregiving do you do for your parents now? Is it going to be expected that you become the caregiver as they decline? Do YOU expect to do more and more for your parents as they decline? If so, WHY?
I understand. Empathy, Compassion and understanding. If you need to talk to someone please private message me. I am caring for my soon to be 83 year old dad. I have a good system, the help of my husband, and some resources that we have found; we're in the process of setting up the resources.
Peace, Light and Kindness
Rita
Have you even considered some support for yourself in the way of counselling/therapy? Sometimes it can be helpful to work out whether it will help you now, as an adult, to release those childhood memories of hurt.
Also to support you while you start making plans in your life, what you want to do, or go.
Your sister & cousin are separate people, from yourself & each other. Each had their own experiences, own way of dealing with them & if they have both chosen to confront your Father, well, that is up to them.
You do you, as they say.
Setting boundaries can be a lifelong learning process.
Maybe you don't want to have a daily chat to Mother - that's ok. Maybe you don't want to be so involved in Father's old age care (or at all). That's ok too.
The great thing about being an adult is you get to choose.
Share what you are proceeding with others.
Acknowledge that your parent(s) won't change what their identity is.
Observe people group assets that can help you.
Draw in utilizing positive language with your folks.
Registration with yourself-know your constraints on what you can deal with.
Try not to contend and fighting back with your folks.
Perceive the causes and purposes for your folks' harmful conduct.
Embrace and be thankful for the beneficial things in your day to day existence.
I am so sorry that you went through this abuse and now the COVID pain.
It is very difficult, even harmful for a person to care for their abuser and no doubt your mom is equally guilty for allowing the abuse.
I would hope for all of you to find a therapist to help you process your pain in a healthier manner.
Your patents should hire help. You do not need to call your mother daily, weekly, monthly or perhaps ever again. You could alert the adult protective services if they are vulnerable without help. That’s the best way to handle it. Let the government arrange any help they need.
I hope your long covid improves. You must take care of yourself and stay away from this toxic situation.