My mom is 63 years old and lives in an independent living community. She moved there with my father about 3 years ago. My father passed away in December 2018 and my mom, I believe is struggling with the loss. She says otherwise and I've gotten her counseling but she is hesitant to continue because she says she is fine. She is now dealing with hair loss and excessively washing her hair because she thinks there are bugs. I've taken her to the doctor and there are no bugs. She also calls me every day about 4-5 times a day. I don't necessarily have a problem with this but It makes me concerned for her. Other than the bugs she is normal, we've always been close and talking on the phone everyday is not new. It is now the amount of times she calls that concerns me. I know she is lonely. I visit her often as well.
My mom does not have her CG everyday, Lost dad last June but can manage most chores alone.
She has friends in her senior community and has still has no interest in socializing.
Sister and I visit each week. When mom (84) is alone she just sleeps.
Her priest visits often for good talks and she enjoys that.
Its a difficult time for sure.
Most facilities have a social service person who could assist you as well. So many changes for your mom...
I Hope you can get to the bottom of these things and she can feel comfortable there...
My dad is lonely too, even with me living with him.
And sometimes I need to run an errand.
I was thinking, maybe he can talk on the phone to someone he knows, like an old friend or a cousin.
Don't bring her home. It won't help, and will take over your life.
I wish you all the best
Insisting there are bugs in her hair & washing it to the degree that she's losing it, to me, indicates the possibility of dementia or Alzheimer's setting in. 63 is NOT too young for such a diagnosis to be made, in reality. Incontinence is another symptom of dementia/ALZ as well.
When your mother calls you 4-5x a day, what is she saying? Do you notice memory issues? Is she having any trouble with time or confusion with dates/days of the week? Mild cognitive impairment (MCI) can also include the following symptoms:
Depression.
Irritability and aggression.
Anxiety (which could be the bugs in her hair scenario)
Apathy.
It sounds like she needs a full medical exam and to be tested for cognitive impairment. Also for the incontinence issue to be addressed. Once you know how she's doing physically, you can address how she's doing mentally/emotionally.
It's quite common for people to deny that they are suffering in any way, whether it be from depression or grief or memory loss or illness/emotional discomfort of some kind. The natural response is defensiveness. "Oh I'm fine, I don't need help, pfffft." Meanwhile, she's losing her hair and calling you multiple times a day. There seems to be more at play here than just being lonely; she may be frightened as well, wondering what is happening to her but not knowing how to reach out, or being too scared to hear a diagnosis she doesn't want to deal with. What, by the way, did her counselor have to say about her 'being fine'? Was there any advice imparted on that end, or were you not privy to it?
Once you find out where she stands medically, THEN you can talk about hobbies or socializing and putting herself out there to make new friends, etc. Volunteering is a superb way for a lonely person to get out of her own head and giving back to others. When a woman loses a long term husband, she can sometimes feel useless, like her purpose in life has vanished. What better thing to do than volunteer at a children's hospital, for instance, to give your mother her sense of purpose back. Reading to a child who's gone bald due to cancer suddenly makes your mother feel less sorry for herself and a whole lot more vital and useful as a human being. Amazing what giving back to society can do for a person.
But not till she's seen by a doctor, evaluated, and you know what's going on with her medically. Wishing you the best of luck getting to the root of your mom's distress.
My mom has a couple of home bound seniors that she calls regularly to chat with & check up on. Your town’s senior services org might have a similar list of people she could help. She is really young & it seems like she would be good at that at least. ***While we’re talking about phone calls, tell her this: ANYONE that calls her phone should be considered a scam artist.*** I keep track of scams for a living and at this point we can’t tell seniors what scams to watch out for because they keep evolving. We are at a point where seniors should really not take calls from non family members. Anyhow, good luck!
Good tips below that I am going to read as well.
Boundaries and taking care of self is number 1.
I agree the 'bugs' might be anxiety, but seek help from counselor at the facility.
TALK TO HER DIRECTLY.
* Ask her how she feels? If she says 'fine,' ask / probe "why are you calling me 4-5 times a day? Do it nicely AND be direct so she will or may be able to connect 'fine' and calling = feeling lonely = need to do something else/more.
- Once you establish with her that she is lonely, offer her alternatives to deal with it. You'll have to do your homework to have 1, 2, 3 possible alternatives ready to discuss instead of reaching out to you, which is an automatic response.
- She may "Yes, but" you. Persist or continue repeating. Although do set your boundaries as this too could be a revolving door since she may be very resistant as she may feel fear, unsure, vulnerable to try something new.
* BUGS. Thinking there are 'bugs' would be a huge signal to me to get your mom checked out medically. It could 'just' be anxiety or it could be something else. Itching is potentially a sign of distress (although you already know she is in distress), anxiety, or something else - or more.
* LOSS / LONELY. While your mom is a few years younger than me (which really doesn't matter), she likely is still mourning / grieving the loss of her husband. My mother, who was a very dependent type, was 'stuck' there in loss and grief. She didn't know how to progress through it. This was her life M.O. It is harder when a person doesn't feel they have 'a life' without the other person.
- She may not know herself without him, Working through her grief (with a professional or you read some websites/books) may help.
- Sounds like she is depressed to me and turning inward (as many of us do in stressful situations). I do.
* STUFFING IN GRIEF.
- She may need to calm her down although stuffing in grief is not good as it is still there. EVERYTHING is still there until it is acknowledged and processed through = healing.
- Mild medication for anxiety.
- Certainly deal with itching with medical prescribed medication. This will drive someone crazy. If the 'itching' is in her mind, you need to investigate.
* COMPANY / SOCIALIZATION.
- See if there are any volunteer agencies (call senior county social services and ask for referrals). She may benefit from a person (or two) calling her on a regular basis, usually weekly) for 'check-ins' - Perhaps an older person who is also widowed might be extremely beneficial so she can identify (and connect with another).
- Also check local colleges / universities for social work, geriatrics, counseling programs to see if they have a volunteer program or if a student can get credit for socialization phone calls.
* ZOOM. Don't know if this is an option. If so, it could open an entirely new world to your mom. I sense she would be 'better' with a peer sho could identify with vs a therapist.
HOBBIES?
- She might need a new hobby ? Or pick up an old hobby, painting, gardening, reading, sewing?
- Do not allow her to get on the internet 'dating apps.' This is potentially dangerous as she is vulnerable. I didn't think I was that vulnerable and I fell hook, line and sinker for a scammer. "IF" dating apps are used, NEVER EVER EVER communicate off or out of the dating app. That was the mistake I made. Scammers do not want to communicate through the app, they want direct email address(es) / contact.
RADIO. Try
- Talk shows are good (for me, KGO AM 810 Pat Thurston in San Francisco bay area.
- music channels.
* MEDITATION. If she is open, try meditating (with her initially) which could be done over the phone. Focus on breathing in - and out. A good exercise is focusing on the breath IN-BETWEEN the in and out breath.
Gena
At first my Dad was totally against it saying he didn’t need “old people services!” Lol, Love my Dad!! He was an 86 year old youngster and I respected this. I shared that there are many others who could benefit from his outgoing personality and he would meet new friends. I saw the spark in his eye and he finally agreed to “visit”. He immediately saw the camaraderie available snd after a few visits he was excited to join!
My heart rejoiced that God had opened a door of opportunity for him to have hope and joy back in his life again. My Dad beamed when I would see him at the center snd introduce me to all his new friends. What joy I had! The center was walking distance from where I worked full time allowing me to visit him often. He would attend a few hours 3 times a week where they picked him up in the morning then transported him home after activities, exercise, socialization and lunch. I am so grateful to this center who was an answered prayer and became family to both of us until he passed 3 years later.
My Dad flourished during this time and the peace that I had was immeasurable!
Sometimes just taking the time to listen with the heart, pray and use the resources available are what it takes to change the quality of life for our loved ones no matter what their age!
I can't speak to the feeling of bugs and agree that her doctor should assess the reason for these symptoms.
I don't call my 2 every day. They wouldn't answer. When I had major surgery I didn't hear from my daughter for 2 days. When my new Dr. asked if he would get to meet the kids. My daughter said, "Are you trying to guilt trip me?" My son said, "Is there something wrong with you we don't know about? Why would we ever go to a Dr. with you."
I have an emotional support dog. He himself has been through a lot. I have several hobbies. I can't get to the places I need to get things from and often delivery services I use have proven to be inaccurate.
I often feel lack of support and frustrated that many of the "solutions" I have come with are charging more that I can afford, unreliable, or I don't qualify for.
I am not looking for boyfriend girlfriend relationship. I do not want to listen to the TV all day.
I have worked in nursing homes as an activities coordinator. The mental health issues we were taught were
1) isolation
2) lack of choices
3) when people want to visit they will do so on their schedule. It almost feels like a toy on a shelf that gets taken down-played with and when you are tired of it you put it back on the shelf.
Boredom is a terrible thing at any age. Then sometimes not understanding that the other person doesn't have the time or just doesn't make the time is difficult to understand Especially if you are bored.
Even as a person who has more activities and enjoyment in life than most of those around me this covid issue, lack of reliable transportation and no one to just sit around and talk about the issues I am facing as a senior is driving me a little nuts. I have discussed this with others and without being in a nursing home situation a person deals with income limitations most of the time. People who own their own home have repairs not saved for. People who want to live in an apartment- well that's another story. I have lived in what was supposed to be great housing. I have dealt with illegal landlords, disrespectful neighbors and places that I like where all of a sudden the rent goes up and I can't afford to stay.
I have sought professional help several times. I have talked with the area council on aging in several states. I have not found an answer yet.
So my point is (after all this rambling) is adjusting to life changes are different for all ages. As a senior we realize that ours are not the 16 year olds we can change the world attitude. I know I am very active in peoples lives my self. But, my personal choices are becoming more limited and there options to solve my issues are not as reliable as I would like. I seem to be frustrated over this at the time.
I wonder if this is what your mother is exhibiting in her own way. I wonder if you have the time to set up a couple of "Hey Mom" times a month of let's just do something fun time or I will come over and fix it time that is non-judgemental would help.
Boredom and empty days exacerbate loneliness, she needs to figure out how to fill her days without using you as the stop gap. My suggestions -
A hobby.
Take a class (in real life or virtually)
Going back to work, even part time, would give her a reason to get up every day.
Hanging out on line (like I'm doing right now).
Daily exercise (This doesn't need to be something elaborate, I walk a couple of miles every day).
Reading.
Volunteering.
Joining a club.
She may benefit from a move to a community that offers her more opportunities to be with old friends if she's never made any connections there.
There is more to life than just sitting around waiting for other people to keep you company.
Is there a window out her room where you can place bird feeders, or space inside where you can put a big fish tank or something (with permission, of course)? Sometimes watching animals or fish can be calming and a nice way to spend some time. Others may enjoy too and people can converse or not, but still enjoy watching near others. Just an idea. I feel for you- it hurts, I know.
As for the amount of phone calls, loneliness seems to be the problem. The only cure is getting involved with others: church, discussion groups, hobbies... She may do better in an interactive group or find some way to volunteer. If more activity with others doesn't seem to help. Please get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Depression is very common in seniors.
Would she be willing to go to adult day care or join a local senior group? Of course she'll probably have to wait until covid is over but it might help. Does she have a church? They sometimes have programs for seniors.
She needs a purpose...Suggest that she volunteer or get a part time job. Join a yoga or stretching class at the gym. Help her look on line to see if there is a group of ladies that walk every morning or something along those lines. Book clubs are very popular for all age groups. Does she have any friends? I know things are a bit crazy right now with covid, but she needs to stay active and engaged with people while she still can. You can't be her sole source of connection to the outside world.
I have to tell you that the "bugs in the hair" bothers me. I feel like there might be other issues going on. Taking her to a doctor who specializes in "healthy brain" issues might be a good start.
Good Luck LoveBug
It would help to know the nature of her vision problems as well. If she is suffering vision loss, she may be developing Charles Bonnet Syndrome, especially if she is seeing bugs or any other repetitive patterns, or strange objects/creatures/people. You didn't mention her actually seeing bugs, so I don't know if this is the case.
I bring up these things because my mother developed all of the same conditions (except for the diabetes) at about the same age, and they worsened until she died late last year at 88. I am now 63 and have experienced the odd skin sensations and even seen bugs on the walls when there weren't any. Fortunately, my regular B12 injections (with an oral supplement in between) take care of that. And though I'm visually impaired, it's corrected with glasses, so I don't think CBS is to blame at this point.
Make sure she's eating right, too, and/or taking vitamins. Too many people suffering from depression and/or extended grief just don't adhere to a proper diet, and that can wreak havoc on the system.
If she is unable or unwilling to be socially active, isolation and sensory deprivation may be contributing to her issues as well... In short, there's a lot going on there, and your concern is well-founded, especially at your mother's relatively young age. Go with your gut feelings and get her checked out. Best wishes.
You state she lives in an independent living community. Most of them have lots of activities to participate in, is she doing so? You could talk to the activity director to personally invite her to some of them to get her involved. You could go with her if you live near and it’s on a day you can attend. I used to go with my dad to things sometimes.
My MIL, age 84 lives independently and is in contact with her children several days a week by email, phone, Facebook, and messenger along with a few surviving siblings and friends. She really stays engaged with Facebook and likes to play games on her computer. She also watches the television and always has a radio on as a companion.
My own mom has 30 years on yours and she prefers independent living in her own home and stays busy cleaning and a couple of her children go shopping for her and help her out with some needs like banking and home maintenance. I see her about 3 times a week and a few neighbors will come by to say hi from a distance.
Something doesn't add up for someone at age 63 to be in an assisted living situation.
If you weren't talking about delusional thinking then I suppose the phone calls could be put down to loneliness but from my experience several calls a day is also a sign.
Good luck!