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I moved my parents into my home 5 years ago. My dad died last year and my mom continues to live with me. At 91 her health is declining. She was recently hospitalized with a bad upper respiratory virus and bronchitis and lost some ground. About 2 weeks later I was contemplating nursing home care for her because she had lost the little bit of independence that she had. Since then ( mid October) she has gotten somewhat stronger or at least is back to her pre-hospital self. She struggles with mobility and walks with a walker. She is incontinent off and on. She is forgetful. She needs help with dressing, and bathing. I pretty much do everything for her. I have an aide for 15 hours a week which allows me to visit and care for my grandchildren. At 66, I have a part time job which I can do from my home. I am an only child and without any family support. I am married but my husband is not helpful. At this point I am exhausted physically and mentally. I long to be free of responsibility. I want to be able to live my life without having to plan everything I do and make arrangements for my mom if I go out.


The issue is that she will be devastated and I don't feel like I have good enough reason to move her to a SNF at this point. She is very sweet and grateful and very dependent and attached to me. I would like to be able to care for her until she dies as I was able to do that for my dad. But I am running out of steam.


How have you made this decision? My guilt about moving her seems to trump my need to be free. I feel like I am waiting for a sign that will show me the way.

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i knew my mom needed more care than I could provide when I walked into her apartment one day and was met with a blast of heat from her oven, which had been left on. I’m still not sure if she did it unintentionally or if she was using it to heat her apartment, which was totally unnecessary. As I became more and more observant of her behaviors, I realized something wasn’t right with her and wasn’t getting any better. She was physically pretty healthy, but soon began to exhibit signs of dementia. Since, like you, I had other obligations at that time, including being a full time caregiver for my husband, I knew it was time for her to go to a facility. It was hard and she didn’t make it any easier. She had always been a paranoid and negative drama queen and she complained constantly about what a “hell hole” the place was. (It was not.)

I would not dump the idea of a facility on your mom all at once. Have a few conversations about the possibility. Her doctor may even be able to help you get the idea of placement across to her.
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I totally understand your feelings of guilt and sadness. If I were in your situation, I would up the amount of in-home aid help first. Are you using a reputable agency? You get the "better/more experienced" people when you can offer more and consistent hours. We love Visiting Angels and my LOs love their caregiver. It also provides companionship. Blessings!
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kbuser Dec 2019
I totally agree. When I was talking to my mom's doctor about getting overwhelmed, she insisted I up the in-home help. I cringe at how expensive it is sometimes, but it has made a world of difference.
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The way is that you have realized that you are in over your head. She will not get better, why not get her settled in now? Guilt is a self imposed emotion which is keeping you stuck, it is an avoidance tactic that we use as a crutch.

The good enough reason is that it is time for you to start living your life, she has lived hers, now it is your turn.

Sending support your way.
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