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I am 59 years old and have been taking care of my husband which has early onset Alzheimers. I just recently quit my job to take care of him. I feel so isolated I can not go anywhere with out taking him with me (when we leave the house he complains he has a stomach ache) so we have to return home. I have read your posts and all our friends have left also. He talks constantly and will not set down till sundowners kicks in then he gets angry . So, thats another issue.


Any help would be helpful, I feel so alone.

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I just want to say that you are doing a good job, and you are incredibly important and valuable. If I lived near you, I would give you a hug and tell you that you are loved. I am so sorry for all of us left mostly alone with this stress and confusion and heartache. I am in the same boat, only my husband is 59 and I am 60. He has been flipping back and forth between belligerent and kind for a decade. It takes such a toll. Whatever happens, please dont feel guilty. Please find some time to do what makes you happy.
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You've got to "care" for yourself, else there may be no caregiver. In your case, you could seek out the help of a psychiatrist, who can dose you with a low dose anti anxiety med. Prayers...
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Have you tried adult day care? There are free government programs, and a social worker will be able to get him a spot. Do something just for yourself and make it a priority to socialize with those who have similar interests. Many other posters have suggested getting your legalities in order. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
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Dealing with your own depression is always very hard. Dealing with your husband’s sundown episodes also can be hard, and maybe unsafe. My LO takes Zyprexa 2.5mg to help with the “personality” and psychosis on as needed basis. Maybe discuss with your husband’s doctor if it can help him, and therefore help you.
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Have you considered Hospice? Most hospices have respite care. They also have volunteer sitters and to a limited extent they can help with bathing twice a week.Whoever your husband's doctor is simply talk to him and ask him to put your husband on it. Once done, they will help will with diapers, protein supplements, ointments, bed, hoyer lift and a lot of other things. Home health provides all of those at no charge. They also have social workers which may help with estate planning.
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I'm sorry your husband is going through this. Early onset Alzheimer's is generally very aggressive and takes the person life within a few years...or even less. You may have to consider nursing home placement, but since you are 59 it will exceptionally difficult to get a new job at that age range unless you have well sought after skills. Unless he has a life insurance policy that will set you up...consider nursing home, getting a pre-arranged cremation/funeral, and get all the necessary papers such as POA and estate preparation done. You really need to plan on YOUR life, and what you are going to do after he dies.

The cruel thing about life no matter what happens those bills keep on flooding in.
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I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I am going through much of the same with my husband and the disease. With each situation/event with him, I try not to think much about that, after I have helped him or made accommodations for it. I reason with myself how I have just made it easier on myself. Such as not responding to him in anger. When I started to feel bad that I had no one to carry on a conversation with any longer, I realized it gave me more time to catch my breath and relax....even if it was for a short time.

I do keep in touch with out of town friends via computer and text. So have that conversation.

My husband talks alot, non stop, about nothing. But I have found out cutting out caffine and sugar has really helped slow that down. But when he does that when the TV is on, I put my TV head phones on and I can enjoy the program, or go in the next room and work on my puzzle for awhile.

With being a caregiver, we have to take care of ourselves. Try to catch your breath more often and do something for yourself each day.
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As someone who has struggled with depression as well as seasonal affective disorder for many years, I know how difficult it is to try to cope with your mood. Add the stress of caregiving to that and it is overwhelming. In order to be a caregiver to your husband, it is important to be a caregiver to yourself. Have you consulted with a psychiatrist to be evaluated for medication? How about a psychologist for counseling. Studies have proven that the most effective way to combat depression is a combination of medication and therapy. Another resource to consider is a caregiver support group. Is your husband being seen and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist for his sundowning? Are there family members who can stay with him so that you can have some time to yourself? Or perhaps adult day care? Leaving him at first will be tough as it will be an adjustment for both of you. But again look at it as self care. Please take care of yourself. Depression is a awful but treatable. One last note regarding medications. They take approximately 6 weeks to work and it may happen that the first medication you try isn't a good fit. Same thing with counseling. Your first encounter with a counselor may be questionable. I feel that if you don't "click" with a counselor after 2 visits, it may be time to move on. You could screen counselors over the phone too. Think about type of personality as well as expertise. Factor in your goals as well. Goid luck. My thoughts are with you.
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If you are able hire a companion for him. Then you go and do things you enjoy. I hired a young man to stay with my father twice a week and I told dad he was coming so dad could teach him to carve and work with him. This let dad accept him easily with no fuss. I also took an antidepressant for awhile, getting out and away are a big help. You could also check into an adult daycare situation, many people who are still socially aware enjoy this.
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Look into Adult Day Care programs to give you some respite. Also there are support groups for caregivers. Try contacting your local Alzheimer's Assoc. You are not alone!
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cetude Feb 2020
adult daycare is expensive. Hospice would be better for respite care and volunteer sitters. "With costs of adult daycare facilities in Florida generally ranging between $900 and $3,600 per month, the median yearly cost adds up to around $15,600. The national average cost for all 50 states is approximately $1,950 monthly." https://www.senioradvice.com/adult-daycare/florida
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It would be wonderful if you could arrange to have a volunteer or pay an aide to stay with your husband for two or three mornings or afternoons a week so you could get out by yourself. Use those times to shop or take part in a senior exercise class or be part of a caregiver support group. You can do errands more efficiently by yourself. A caregiver support group would be a good place to share feelings and get ideas about how to cope. An exercise class would offer helpful physical activity and,the perhaps more importantly, social contact.
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So sorry you are having to deal with this at such a young age. My hubby and I are in your age bracket and we're not ready for "old age" stuff yet.

Not sure if you are depressed or lonely. Loneliness is usually treated by getting involved with other people: hobbies, volunteer, work... Depression is treated through multiple approaches: medications, exercise, light therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy...

I would suggest trying the "cure" for loneliness - get involved with others. Try to find a senior exercise class - and make hubby go with you. Try other senior activity options at churches, libraries, local senior center... They will all be able to cope with your hubby's behavior issues. May I also suggest, having a part time aide a couple days each week so you can get out to work, socialize, run errands without your hubby. You may need to have "your" friends and "our" (you and hubby) friends to meet your belonging/social needs.

If hubby complains about anything to avoid going out, it is because he craves familiar, controllable situations. Try to create a routine where you both regularly go out into public: grocery store, place of worship, library, doctor appointments... so he will be ok with being out of the house. You may find he will do better going out in the mornings and early afternoons. Try to create little routines for going out that may help him to cope: putting on shoes, putting on jacket and hat, getting backpack/purse filled with "going out" supplies....
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An holistic friend of mine suggested Ashwagandha and I'm still using it 3 years later.

Ashwagandha is an ancient medicinal herb. ... For example, it can boost brain function, lower blood sugar and cortisol levels, and help fight symptoms of anxiety and depression. ... Summary Ashwagandha is a prominent herb in Indian Ayurvedic medicine and has become a popular supplement due ...
www.healthline.com/nutrition/12-proven-ashwagandha-benefits#1

The brand recommended to me is Gaia, but there are many brands on the market.
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Give it to God take some time for your self it is hard depression is a tough thing to deal with and when someone else we love makes it hard slow down still enjoy life and do not lose your self feel free if you need to talk I am here.
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Suggest you ask family/friends to sit with him for a few hours during the week while you have lunch, dinner or shop with friends. Church members may also be willing to help you. Keeping you & your husband in my prayers.
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I am 53 and have been taking care of my mother for 3 years. After she fell on New Years Day 2019 her doctor told me she could not be left alone. I had a family meeting with my siblings and they set up a schedule on the calendar to come and help me take care of her. It didn’t last more than a week when they didn’t show up on their schedules day lol. I hired a caregiver for 3 days a week then turned to 4. After 6 months when I had back surgery we went to 6 days a week. My depression was getting worse and I ended up going to a therapist. My psychiatrist wished that we could afford 7 days a week. It is a great relief to be able to get out and feel normal for a little while and enjoy shopping.
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Checkout Leading the Way Ministries website and listen to their half hour podcasrs everyday with your husband. They are encouraging and uplifting for the soul. Dr Youssef has just started a 4 part series on supernatural love.
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I am your age and also took care of my husband. Its hard. You can go read my profile if you wish. My love for him gave me strength. Its been two years now since he died. The depression is unbearable. The whole ordeal is impossible to bear and process from day to day. Get some home health care if you can. My husband had to be put in assist living the last six months. Please take care of yourself. Stay strong he needs you. You can message me anytime. My screen name is upallnight because I never got any sleep while caring for him. Our grown son lived with us so I could continue working. It got to be too much for us both.
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J
JSunny Feb 2020
I have already quit my job (could not take the stress of working full time and taking care of him) the last few nights the sun downers have been pretty severe last night was the worst screaming up and down the hall and swearing I did not confront him it was pretty scary . It went on for over an hour then he settled down for about two hours then was at it again every hour. I am sorry but I have been dealing with this for 6 years now and my love for him has declined. He has just become a burden.
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Similar situation with talking constantly. I finally reached out to family and friends. I got a calendar and set up dates for them to come over, even if its for once a week, to stay with him, either watch a show, go for a walk, cook or even go to one of his favorite places, in my case, my hubby loves to go to Costco's : ) its his happy place. This has helped tremendously... I guess I was in denial and thinking I could do this alone, but reaching out is was the first step. Hope this helps.
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Is he a Veteran? The VA pays for my husband's daycare so I can continue working. They also give me 10 hours a week for home aides.
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Petalpshr48 Feb 2020
What is the name of the program you applied for thru VA?
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Is there something that you have always wanted to do accomplish, or tackle? If you have the funds to hire someone to step in and take care for a few hours a week, perhaps you could start working on that goal. Being about to step away from your circumstance is vital. Perhaps a support group as well. I am so sorry.
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In my mind there are two questions to ask yourself:

What is best for the patient?
What is best for me and my health?

Be honest with yourself and know there will be guilt either way.

You would be surprised how well patients do in a controlled environment. Sometimes they thrive.

As for depression, the cycle will have to be broken. You can’t do the same thing everyday and expect different results.
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notrydoyoda avatar
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notrydoyoda Feb 2020
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. These words are usually credited to the acclaimed genius Albert Einstein. She's driving herself insane.
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See a therapist. Ask your doctor to prescribe an antidepressant. Hire some caregivers to give you a break and go back to work.
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I have a dear friend in exactly rou position, although she is a little older.

She has cared for her hubby at home as long as she can--but he's becoming more belligerent and has started 'wandering' and she can't get a decent night's sleep b/c of it.

She is looking in placing him in a MC facility. He does not know who she is, so I guess that makes it a little easier on her.

She did have interim CG's and was mindful of her own need to stay healthy and strong and did so very gracefully. Even when he was challenging, she was sweet and calm with him. But she knew this day would come.
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When this begins to affect your own mental health and your own quality of life to this extent it is, quite honestly, time to explore placement for your hubby. I don't see any other way out in all truth. You have no support. You could start with inhome help several times a week, times when you could get out and away to lunch, community center, something else. The bow too tightly strung is easily snapped.
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1. You need help that can come in to give you a break.
2. You should look to see if there is Adult Day Care in your area. Sending him to Day Care a few days a week will be a lifesaver for you. He will get a break and so will you. I am sure he will tell you he does not feel well when he goes but that is anxiety and he will get used to a routine. And there are medications that can help with his anxiety.
Have you talked to an Elder Care Attorney? If not you really need to schedule an appointment to get things going that you will need to set up. Will you have to apply for Medicaid for him at some point?
Is your husband a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he may qualify for help through the VA. It could be a little help or a LOT.
You mentioned he gets angry. When he gets angry does he get violent? If so this is something that you need to take into consideration down the road. Safety should be your priority. Your safety as well as his. If you get injured caring for him who will care for both of you? If you injure him while caring for him it can make things much more difficult. So while this is not urgent now PLEASE think about what you will do if it comes to making a decision about placing him in a Memory Care facility.
Find a support group in your area that you can attend. Some will offer respite if you have no one to watch him while attending a meeting.
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Go back to work, at least part time. Even if it takes every penny of what you make to pay for caregivers while you are working it will give you an outlet away from him, plus you will continue to add to your own social security retirement benefits.
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