I have been financially responsible for my mother who remained a widow after my father died almost 30 years ago. My sister moved out. My brother moved out. I stayed because I was single at the time and wanted to help my mother with the mortgage. She couldn't refinance because she wasn't employed and so I did, and the mortgage is now in my name. The deed is a joint tenancy. She was always manipulative but it has been unbearable this past year. My sister and brother don't see it. I had to call them out on their ignorance over the summer and now my sister helps with 2 bills (life insurance and electricity). My brother just bought his home and has two young children so I feel bad about asking him to help out at this time. I can't get her to sell because she doesn't want to and wouldn't have anywhere to go. I doubt either sibling would want her living with them. I can leave, but I would have the mortgage plus rent or another mortgage if I buy something on my own. This would be separate from my expenses and student loan. I tried talking with a psychologist but that isn't helping. I'm looking for advice on what to do. I have someone in my life and he is supportive but I worry he will leave. My mother won't allow him to visit because of Covid but allows my sister, brother, and niece to. We see each other on Skype. He sent her a Christmas card and it sat on the counter for two days. I never said anything but she put it in the shredder. I hate her behavior but don't want to have constant arguments either. I just stay busy working remotely and out of her way. When she does yell, which is often, I say nothing. I don't know what to do.
Your situation sounds miserable.
I realize that you felt responsible to help your mom out after your father died but now it has become very difficult to break away.
I am glad that you are seeking help from a therapist. Sorry that you haven’t found it helpful. How long have you been in therapy?
How many bedrooms does your home have? Could you possibly take on a roommate to help pay for expenses?
Tell us a bit more info. please.
Is your mom totally dependent on you?
Also, Google low-income senior apartments in your county to see what if anything is available.
I hope you can make some changes soon.
As Snoopy said, consult an elder care attorney at once to discuss your rights here. And how to go about selling the house which is your albatross, splitting the profits equitably, and helping your mother get set up in her own affordable apartment that she can pay for from SSI and savings, like the rest of the struggling seniors who aren't mooching off of their children to live. She has NO right to be treating you like an ATM card and you have NO obligation to continue the gravy train.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with YOUR life and YOUR boyfriend now.
She had fits if I was going to socialize with a girlfriend for lunch. She would spout abuse when I arrived home. She would have abused me to no end (you’re too old, too ugly, etc) if I had a boyfriend. Putting your boyfriend’s card in the shredder is a threat to make you comply with staying single and mom-bound forever.
See what your options are for the house with an attorney, considering you pay the mortgage. (I would suggest a real estate attorney; mom has no health issues that require an elder attorney.) Paying that mortgage gives you a lot of power to take action to sell and get away from her.
It’s very difficult to find a therapist who knows how to work with adult children of a mother with a personality disorder. They are often not helpful because they are sympathetic to the disordered mom rather than you. Or if you have your life together - job, own a place, are responsible- they don’t believe your parent can be so out in left field. They think you’re exaggerating.
It’s very difficult to do so when you’re mom’s whipping post, but you need to set boundaries with her. My mom is not a drinker, but I found Al Anon very helpful years ago to detach from her & leave. The meetings are all online. You can check it out to see if it can be of use while you’re searching for another therapist.
Hope you get away from her soon.