A year ago my husband and I bought a home and also moved my mom in with us. She has needed care now for the past 4 years and I have been living between both homes. I also still work at the hospital 3 nights a week. Since the covid issue I have been working 4 nights a week..12 hour shirts. My husband is retired and he gets bored having to be at home. I get it but when I get home all I want to do is stay home the days I am off work. After working I get to grocery shop and clean the house and cook…leaving not much time for me. Also mom will not go shopping with me but she does like the casino.
Anyways, last summer when my nephew came down with his wife and 4 kids ranging from 18, 16, 12 and 6. They say we’re coming down to help you with mom. Funny but the issue is when they arrive they are all over the house, staying in spare rooms and in living room. Lots of extra mouths to feed and cook for etc. The oldest two spoke their pot and cigarettes and drink alcohol now too. My mom quit smoking for a few years but just before we moved into our home she has started up again. Nephew’s wife also smokes. I refuse to let them smoke inside. Only out on deck and that’s really not ok either. It is hard enough on me when it’s just my mom smoking.
Well, after they left last summer I called my nephew up and tried to explain to him that when they come down next tmie things need to change. He did not really respond to me, kinda blew me off. I asked that he please respect my home and my rules. Also help pick up after themselves and help in the kitchen. Between everyone on their cell phones when here laying all over the couch, taking naps in the middle of the day, awake long enough to hear me say dinner’s ready, then it’s in and out of the kitchen helping themselves to everything. It just gets old and now that the kids are older they need to help out. Their mom has always said, I’m on vacation, when they are at my house. So that puts pressure on me. My husband helps me clean up the kitchen but that’s not the problem. I open my home up for these kids and they drive 9 hours to get here, so I let them stay with us plus I want them to visit their grandma and great grandma. Problem is it never ends up that I get any kind of a break. My mom does not seem to want to pitch in since we moved into this house. It has become a problem at least in my eyes. I never get to relax and visit or run away, but it never fails something always happens and I get the blame for whatever it is that they think I did wrong. They were here Christmas and I set up games to play, tried to pre cook or prepare the foods, etc, so when they came I thought things would be easier on me. Silly me!! I was accused of being rude and ruining family Christmas. I asked my mom and hubby they are as shocked as me. Now it’s a battle and my nephew turns things around. I am never rude. All I asked for was some help and to respect my home. So now if they want to be this way the next time they come they can stay in a motel. Like my mom will want to go stay with them in a motel, but at this time I do not even want them near me because I am just tired of all this drama. No more going to the lake or no internet or no laying on my couches in day time, no smoking pot or drinking, I do not want to cook or clean up after them. I am done. But next time they come to see my mom I do not want to be used, disrespected, etc, am I wrong? I am really tired of busting my butt and if they do not get their way it’s all my fault. Here is an example, last summer they were wanting to move here and needed proof of employment for rental house. His wife tells me she gave landlord my number saying I was her new supervisor at a hospital and hired her for CAN position. I was beyond upset. I told her sorry but I’m not going to lie. I want to keep my job I’ve had for 12 years. So they blamed me for not being able to move here now! There is so much more that has happened and I have walked on egg shells long enough. This topped it off.
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Look up the word "grifter". That's what they are.
If they do it is your house, your rules.
You do not want them smoking. NO smoking on your property.
If they do stay with you for the purpose of helping you then they are to help. give them tasks to do. To the point that if they are going to help it is for you to be able to take a day off. So coordinate their visit with a day or two off and you and hubby go somewhere. Even if it is to a local hotel. (Install cameras in your house though)
If they do not help they can leave. There is no reason to put up with them treating you like a doormat and your house like a Frat house.
And I have to ask. In your profile it mentions that mom has mobility problems. no other conditions are mentioned. If she can get around the house on her own is there another reason she needs 24/7 care? If she does not need 24/7 care you and your husband should be able to get away once in a while.
Oh, and I would tell mom there is no smoking in the house either.
"No it's not suitable to stay here". Prepare your answer next time. Give no reason (they will only try to pick it apart).
Suggest they book a motel. They can take Mom out for meals instead.
If they were reasonable & already proven they could change their ways when required, maybe. But they have not. So guests no more.
I have a relative who had to say no more. Her 'guest' son expected his 80+yo Mother to cook, clean & slave for him & his brood. He was informed his expectations were too much. He had been asked to help more but had not. So next time was asked to book a motel instead, by his Mother & other family members. But instead of booking a motel, he choose to become abusive. This now results in his family having no contact with him.