He's in AL near me, and we live in an expensive area. Overall, I'm very happy with the AL. He's got friends, participates in activities (after a tough time early on) and has a lot of help managing his many medical needs. But every six months or so he flips out about how much it all costs and says that if he moved in with me then I could do all those things "for free."
I have talked him through the costs and options he has, including doing more things for himself, but he doesn't want to — he just wants to not pay the AL bill (I write the checks but from his account) because "it would be easier" if I "just handled it."
My husband I have demanding full time jobs, pets, a home with a mortage, a kid in college, and our own lives. We spend plenty of time with him and handle a lot of the fun extras so he doesn't have to worry about it (dinners out, his phone is on my plan, we make sure he has plenty of treats and creature comforts, including hobby supplies, a nice computer, a nice TV, etc)
I've told him that he could potentially move to a more independent living situation but then we'd need to pay for cleaning services, nursing care, he'd have to do his own laundry or send it out, etc. He's not interested. He just wants to complain about how much they are charging him at AL.
And for the record, he has the money — not a ton, but enough to hopefully last the rest of his life. I don't care about inheritance or anything like that, I just want him to be comfortable and safe and not wait on him hand and foot!
But it's a constant refrain and it's draining. We had a Thanksgiving brunch with him this morning and all he could talk about was how it's stupid that he has to pay for medical help at AL when he has insurance (Medicare plus a drug suppliment). But Medicare doesn't pay for AL, as I keep telling him.
And yeah, this stuff is expensive. But it's not my fault! I don't set the prices! And unless he wants to move somewhere cheaper or give up some of the services, it's like listening to a broken record. One that keeps accusing me of wasting his money because he's in AL and not in my house with me handling his needs 24-7.
I want to tell him I'm not going to dicuss this anymore but since it is his money, it seems unethical to refuse to talk about where it's going. But I just can't keep having the same conversation over and over again… any advice?
I suggest a technique called "grey rock", where you condition yourself to just let the complaints roll off your back. Don't argue, don't explain, mildly sympathize and just move on, change the subject. If it gets too repetitive, end the visit or the phone call. You can read about this online and if you have trouble applying it, I'm sure a therapist could help you with it. Yes, this is YOU making the change, not him. He won't change. Pessimism and complaining are habits, and people don't change habits without motivation. I believe probably the majority of elderly men indulge in a lot of complaining about costs in any case. They just don't want to accept that times change and it's not the world conspiring against them. My husband isn't that old, and he is constantly complaining about how much things cost, especially medical care.
Of course you aren't obligated to let him move in with you. You have a life and a family, and it's not fair to ask you to orient your lives around him, which is what happens when an opinionated elderly person who is used to getting his way comes to stay. Your dilemma is annoying but you're not alone!
D is comparing AL with his idea that you “could do all those things FOR FREE”. Give him a surprise about just how much you intend that it would cost him. Why should you bear the cost when he has the money for his own care?
You will need to repeat yourself and tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not have the time to take care of his needs at your home, nor do you want to.
Don't give excuses that he can break down and use to negotiate the issue with you. Don't give him an opening, such as "I would love to have you living with me, but,....." Make it very clear that living with you is not an option!
You say you don't want to discuss it anymore, but he apparently wants to talk about it. Have you tried asking him what he wants to save his money for? Listen to his fears. Reassure him that the cost is reasonable for the services he is receiving, and he can afford it. Many times we have an idea what we think something should cost, remembering prices from 20 years ago, but prices have gone up and we can't believe it costs so much now!
Are you managing his money and paying all his bills? Would it help him to sit by your side and review his budget together? It is scary for people to give up control of something important in their life, like their money.
I would not encourage him to move to a more independent living arrangement. If he does, he will expect you to come over and take care of his medications, food, cleaning, etc.
you can’t supply full time care so unless he starts helping then you have no choice but to get him transferred and leave him to think about which choice
if he doesn’t make one then you make it
maybe you are making things too too easy for him
we can all be guilty of that
Time to off load - if he doesn’t agree cut off a couple things he cares about
say his phone
and say you didn’t have time to pay the bill
tven maybe unless he has dementia he’ll be more reasonable
you need to take a step back before he makes you ill
Never ever even think about moving him into your home.
Just tell him he has enough money . Living with you is not an option and that it will not be discussed any longer .
If he keeps it up then leave .
He knows where the money is going , no need to keep having the conversation.
And if he continues complaining just tell him that you'll come back another time when he's in a better mood as you don't want to listen to his complaining and leave....every time he does it.
Perhaps over time he'll get the message and just be grateful that he's in a nice place with children who love and care about him.
There are no solutions to this.
Stop discussing this with him.
He is in the care he needs.
Nothing here is going to change and he needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.
You need to stop these endless discussions that give him false hopes and keep him going on and on about it.
He is where he belongs. He doesn't belong in IL when he can't even manage his checks.
If it is too much for you in fact he needs to put out more money for a Fiduciary to handle that side of things. When the money is gone he will move to a Medicaid facility.
This is the sad truth of aging in America. And it is no one's fault. This is what he saved his money for and is spending it for. Take the burden off by doing the bills or by hiring a Fiduciary. It helped my brother to have a monthly accounting so he could see he was unlikely to outlive his money.
But don't pretend that any of this is going to get BETTER. It just isn't. And dependent on attitude and enabling it could get a good deal worse. Just my humble opinion. Just keep reassuring him that this is what his money is meant for. People who spent a lifetime saving often get focused on MONEY MONEY MONEY. So limit discussions of that and tell him you will not discuss it further.
You have to establish your boundaries with dad and let him know for CERTAIN he cannot move in with you. Otherwise, in his mind, it's an option! Stand your ground in a loving way w/o going into great detail about why it won't work. It just won't.
Good luck to you.
If this has not been done, get it evaluated asap.
If the assumption is correct that it has been determined that he cannot make his own decisions any more, and you are POA, then as the competent adult, you make the determination of what is the best living situation for him
You have no obligation to take him into your house. As you imply , there is enough money to pay for his AL. So if this is working for you, and its a reasonable AL and he is being reasonably taken care of, then it sounds like all is ok. The only hard part now is for you to figure out how to either ignore, change the topic or something similar whenever he keeps bringing up moving to your house to "save money". Stick to your conviction on it.