I'm trying to set boundaries with my elderly mother. She insists on living "independently" but constantly wants and needs me to do things for her. These things can be anything from simple daily living tasks (such as coming to her house to get something she wants off a top shelf in her cupboard or bring in her mail so she doesn't have to go outside to the mailbox) to serious immediate needs (such as picking her up off the floor when she falls).
This situation is of my own making. I tried to be more helpful and accommodating to Mom after my Dad got ill 2 years ago. I've been even more helpful since he passed away several months ago. She has come to rely on my level of "jumping" when she calls.
It is time for me to pull back and set some boundaries with her, but I want to do so in a kind and loving manner. My mom is a master manipulator. She tends to use pity and anger if I don't acquiesce to her demands. Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can do this?
Explain that you are finding it impossible to be available to meet her needs as they arise. Suggest a system whereby she keeps a list of tasks for you to do once a week. Suggest that she hire help for big tasks like housecleaning and lawn care. Ask if there is a young neighbor who could reliably bring in her mail each day for a small fee.
I learned to stop running over. Even if I was available I would put him off for a few days so he would not expect me to jump for every little thing. He would have some crisis he would expect me to jump for. It is amazing how many times the crisis would be long forgotten when I couldn't make it over there for a few days.
Depending on your life and schedule maybe set a time and day once a week that you will always visit. Minor requests need to wait for that time to get done. She won't starve just because she can't reach the box of saltines on Tuesday and you can't be there until Thursday.
Too much kindness is not kind.
"Sometimes nice is not nice", (as told to me by a professional).
But you are right, trying to exercise our own boundaries in a kind way so others won't feel hurt is a very wonderful thing to strive for. In assertiveness training, or in new found boundaries, it is very common to go the other end of the spectrum and behave in a too aggressive manner, often appearing harsh..
Then, there is a balance to achieve. The person on the other end of your new found freedom may balk, be unable to learn your new behavior towards them.
Let me know when you find out how to survive in a world full of narcissists.
In the meantime, here is a suggestion.
Offer to go with her to the mailbox for awhile. Say it is for her health, and you would love to support her in that. Later on, change it up. Drive up to her door/mailbox when you are going to lunch, call her to come out, remind her to get her mail, say kindly.......Say "It is okay Mom", I will wait".
Does she really need something off the top shelf? Usually what I have on the top shelf is something I don't use that much. Maybe this would be a good time to get rid of stuff she no longer needs or uses. That will give her room to have the stuff on lower shelving. My Aunt had a small pantry that was easier to get to shelves than her cabinets. So she put her dishes in the pantry and her food in the cabinets. Another friend was wheelchair bound so the lower cabinets became storage for dishes and pots and pans the higher for what had been in the lower.
From the time Mom could no longer drive, I set boundries. One day a week we went food shopping and ran errands. Mom was still involved with Church and was able to get rides to things going on in the Church. I took her on Sundays. She had friends who invited her to go to events held around the community. We eat at BK every Friday. Have been doing it for over 30 yrs, with our girls and later grands. After Dads death, Mom went with us. Yes, there were times Mom needed a prescription picked up. A ride to appts, which were made on my time. I was working part time.
You can't be at someones beck and call. It will just drain you.
Basically she says that we often get ourselves into trouble when trying to set boundaries because we haven't taken enough time to truly sort out what our boundaries are. We know we're being asked to do too much, but haven't fully sorted through exactly what we can and can't do before we start a conversation about it, which makes it hard to stand firm when the loved one pushes back -- which is actually a predictable response, and one we can prepare for.
I strongly recommend you read at least Dance of Anger, in which she describes a woman, Katy, who is a caregiver for a father who is being incredibly manipulative and demanding, and the way she eventually sorted through this complicated situation.
These books are both quite old, but still in print (available via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.) and they aren't written specifically for caregivers, though she definitely addresses a lot of caregiving issues. I highly, highly recommend both of them to anybody caring for a loved one. They're the two most intelligent books on boundary setting that I've ever read. She doesn't offer magic solutions, but I found what she did say to be life-changing
This is very similar to the boundaries I set with my own mother. Thanks to this forum, when she stopped driving I knew I had to set boundaries on my driving her places right away. She was NOT happy, at first. I think it would have been much more difficult if I hadn't set down these boundaries from the beginning. I took her to Mass and to medical appointments. She got one day a week, and I took her to a chair yoga class and then grocery shopping afterwards.
She did become a shut-in once she stopped driving. Previously (she stopped driving shortly after she turned 90), she would go out most days. She drove to a nearby mall to walk, which was important for socialization.
She relied on an upstairs neighbor (condo) to come down and do little jobs for her. I got permission from the post office to install a mailbox by her door, instead of her having to go to a cluster mailbox. She also had a Great Call fall device (the simplest one initially, then the one which detects falls and activates the device without her having to do anything except wear it).
must recognize 1. your life comes first, & 2. you are in charge. Mom has to understand that she can’t expect everything of you; she may need occasional help from others. The painful issue for me was realizing that one should NEVER be
the only person she relies on. You will sink into quicksand if you don’t get this.
After Mom fired a few people I hired to help her, I told her that she would go without this help if she did this again. She pulled back on her demands, because I finally became strong! YOU MUST TAKE CHARGE. Love these parents but don’t be manipulated by them. You’ll lose yourself if you do.
Analysis, etc. It will be hard at first, but this is survival for you, and as I also had to learn, if you don't have enough energy, etc. for yourself, you have NOTHING to give others. You might start by telling her your mom that you love her and want to help her as much as you can, but due to your (job, life situation, commitments, etc.), you need to have some limits. Explain that you want to stay healthy and strong in part to help meet her needs and make life as pleasant for her as possible, but that means: (and then you lay out a few boundaries - only a few - so she can't feel overwhelmed or forget them all.) When she "forgets" - and she will for a testing period - you quietly remind her and do NOT make exceptions to the rules, unless not to do so puts her in some sort of danger or severe pain. She will be angry with you for longer than you think you can bear, but after a while, this will become the new normal for her. I want to say, she is so blessed having someone like you in her life, whether she can realize it or not. Take very good care of YOU as well as her. PS If it gets to a point where her needs exceed your abilities, get professional help. I offered to quit my career to take care of my dying father, and the doctor told me I'd kill him if I kept him at home, because I had neither the training nor the equipment for the PT, etc. he required. God bless you.
and ended up having to put my mom in a personal care home. There,
the wonderful care giver tells her what she needs to do and walks out
of the room. Mother is doing things for her that she could not do for me
because I always "helped" till it was beyond my ability and I was
dropping her and running constantly at her beck and call like it was her
job to control every moment of my time. Patterns are terribly hard to
break. I concluded it is two different things to be a daughter, and to be
a caregiver. I am back to the daughter role and that is much better. If
you have to be the caregiver, you have to give up the "daughter" role.
My mom loves her caregiver and the caregiver loves her but it is not the
same as when I walk in- she becomes helpless again. I do not know how
it happened- it just happened very gradually. That is why I say, "Stop it
now before it develops any further." I think it was Abraham Lincoln who
said It does not help a person in the long run to do for them what they can and should do for themselves.
If she can write, she can make a list of things she needs next time you
come. Any non-emergency item should go on that list. I was able to
gain some control when I set a schedule:
This is when I do these items......
Here are your supplies so you can do this.
Lunch is in 30 minutes....
I won't be at the grocery till Tue and will be glad to pick some up then.
We can keep an eye out for that......
God has been faithful every step of the way and He will not forsake us.
Blessings as you serve His children.
More importantly though is where you mention picking her up after she falls. It doesn’t really sound like she is in a safe situation. It may be time to think about home health care if you can afford it or either an independent living or assisted living facility, depending on her needs. If she is falling, it’s only a matter of time until she breaks something and ends up in far worse shape.
Interrupting or changing one's response towards a dependent, frightened/ fearful person (used to getting their way) WILL UNDOUBTEDLY bring up their (sense of) self-protective responses ("take care of me"). When you stop taking that bait, of course, she'll 'kick and scream' (like a child). Being clear, standing your ground IS BEING kind and compassionate. Just remember, it won't feel like that to her, and likely nor you since this is a new dynamic for both of you.
For you to feel you are being kind and considerate, perhaps be aware of:
(1) do not scream or raise your voice;
(2) Acknowledge your own feelings [to yourself] when she 'acts out' and not respond on those feelings w her directly (unless she gets abusive (then tell her you'll continue the conversation when she's 'cooled down.')
(3)
a-DO NOT set up a scenario of making you right and her wrong.
b-Do not argue or try to explain yourself (as if you are guilty of something)
c-Acknowledge her expressed needs (reflective listening) so she'll know you hear her and are listening.
d-Calmly tell her what you will and will not do, offering suggestions (wait until I come over next time; say its time to get a helper to assist you, etc.) DO YOUR RESEARCH NOW and get some other(s) in place to step in.
e-Ask her if she fell or injured herself. If she says "NO," tell her you are very glad she is safe. Go back to 'd' above.
(4) Give her alternative choices, i.e., don't leave her hanging with nothing.
Go back to 'd' above. (I'll see when xxx can come over to assist you).
It is being kind to give her alternatives to get her needs met.
(5) She may need to 'wait' a few hours or a day(s) to get that item off the top shelf.
I love dogs so this comment is sincere - "When a person goes to Dog Training Classes, the teaching is forthe guardian/owner, not the dog."
When you change your behavior with what may feel like tough love, you are being very kind. Gena.
If you have a hard time talking about it, write a letter (then she can refer back to it). Just deliver in person so you can talk about it with her to see if she has questions.
And then, STICK TO IT. Repeat when necessary.
I told my parents, tough love...like they used to say to me. They got it!
He has an aide that comes in 4 mornings a week to shower him and do light cleaning.
He knows that unless there is an emergency, that we will be there at 4 - it has to wait till then. We feel that one hour a day isn’t too big a commitment. This is all because he wants to die at home, so everyone is trying to support that wish.
He has a 1st Alert and a keybox on his door.
Just another way to look at ways to support an elderly person living alone.
Keep in mind that he is frail and unable to do much for himself. And we only live 10 minutes away.
My mother was very manipulative too, and wanted me as a servant. I realized that I, myself, had to distinguish between was a "need" such as you picking your mother up when she has fallen, and what was a "want" such as you getting the mail when she asks, Then I had to decide how much time and effort I could/wanted to devote to the "wants". I was very firm when it came to things I would not do and had to ignore the name calling and complaining to others etc.
It is good also to look at her needs and which you can meet. As your mother ages the "needs" will increase. She may need home help and eventually placement in a facility. The burden of hands-on help does not all have to be yours. As your mother is falling, you may want to consider if she is safe living alone any more. Has the reason for these falls been diagnosed? They are a health and safety issue and her dr. needs to know about them if (s)he doesn't already.
I totally agree that POA financial and medical need to be put in place. Likely she will resist this. Sometimes a respected friend or professional's advice with be more effective. Good luck and let us know how it works out. It is just the beginning of this leg of the journey.
If they choose to be mean in return we can’t stop it. We can walk away! At least temporarily.
Some people can’t admit their frustrations.
I love how real your answer is. Thanks!
I love your practical advice. I love how you shared your personal experience.
this woman was so mean (MIL), the day after my mother died, While I did not out right cry, I was very sad and moist-eyed in the morning, when her husband asked what was wrong and I told him, she looked me dead in the eye and said “we don’t do that here.”
Thank God for the support of other caregivers!
Don’t look at yourself as a failure either if you lose your temper. I had a therapist tell me that he lost his temper over problems that occurred in his house. Then he went on to say that, of course it happens. that everyone has lost their temper before and that it is perfectly normal to get angry at times.
I got so sick of people judging me that I couldn’t express how I felt. It took a therapist to say it was okay to feel what I was feeling. We feel what we feel, work through it, move on. Don’t let people make you feel guilty about how you feel.
This situation puts enough pressure on us. Don’t feel like you have to be perfect. If you screw up, so what. Everyone else has screwed up too.
Chances are they just won’t admit it. I admire people who admit it. I don’t admire anyone who always tells others what to do and never admit to doing anything wrong.
Side bar: Can she not get her self off the floor? In that case you might have to consider living with her or getting 24 hour care if she’s falling and can’t get up. that is a potential elder-abuse situation if no one is available.
Back to the point: just tell her and then be consistent and don’t let yourself feel guilty. You stated you know she’s manipulative. So at this point, you know it’s your responsibility to stay strong in the face of the manipulation. eventually she’ll come around after shes done throwing fits and such. It may take a while. Speak it gently and firmly and consistently follow it up.
But back to the more serious side, if what I suggested is true you have to do something about Having 24 hour care available or put her in a facility. Hugs good luck and God bless
All this, and Mon I'd 86 and still pretty self sufficient.
I recommend assisted living if there is money and there are falls.
So sorry. Please get rest now. Not a good situation to be in. I fear this happening to me at times. Very hard. Get well soon. Hugs!!!
Good luck on keeping it sweet and nice when you won't jump to her demands.
Maybe if you could describe what kind of falls are you referring to.