Husband refusing to educate himself about MIL’s issues, how can I help?
My MIL was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, which might have progressed to early stage dementia – her nutrition is terrible and who knows how long she hasn’t been taking her pills properly (including for thyroid and blood pressure). She lives alone in her house, basically inhabiting two rooms, doesn’t shower, doesn’t change her clothes. My husband is now her DPOA, has gotten the bills in order, goes over every two weeks; I go sometimes and work on some cleaning (including laundry and mending). My non-expert but informed evaluation is that she needs someone to come in 5-7 days a week for maybe 3 hours a day, to make sure she takes her pills, eats one good meal a day (instead of surviving on 3-4 bottles of Ensure), gets some exercise, and has someone to interact with (and some reason to not smell and look bad). Either that, or assisted living, if she ever becomes willing. The problem at the moment is that my husband, a scientist who rather likes to look things up and research them, is refusing to research MCI/dementia and various care alternatives. He sometimes gets so frustrated that he yells at his mother, tells me “She’s a grown up, she has the right to live that way/kill herself if she wants”, or says that she’s nuts, and frequently accuses her of lying when she says she’s done something and she hasn’t. I honestly can’t tell when she’s lying to get us off her back, or when she’s simply confused, but because he won’t research the condition, he can’t even consider the confusion alternative. And he continues to expect things of her that are probably too much (like sending her to the doctor for a report without one of us being there). I’ve sent him Internet links and offered him various books that I’ve accumulated while learning about my mother’s dementia. I thought he might like The 36-Hour Day, the first book I read. But he just won’t look at these things, and I don’t know why. I know, I need to ask him why he won’t. But I thought that perhaps someone who had faced this, in themselves or someone else, might be able to explain to me or have some ideas that would help. He doesn't deny his mother's condition ... he just won't learn about it!
Or is this anger at her rooted in their past relationship?
What would be really helpful at this point is to get a needs assessment of your MIL. Call your Area Agency on Aging and find out the best way to go about that. When you get an appointment, be there with her for it. The assessors know that people being evaluated often exaggerate what they are able to do, but they have to accept the answers they get. If MIL says of course she can get her own meals, you can remind her that she mostly drinks Ensure. (Normally I would recommend that her son be the one with her, but since he is in as much denial as she might be, I don't think that work in this case.)
As far as I know, my husband hasn't had a bad relationship with his mother. More of a distant one. They're both very independent.
Part of the issue is that we don't know how much her symptoms are caused by terrible nutrition, lack of social stimulation, and not taking her meds for various conditions. In other words ... is her condition permanent and progressing fairly rapidly, or could she actually improve if she receives the proper assistance?
I wonder if "willful ignorance" is the same thing as denial? I'm not sure. It might be denial, not of MIL's condition itself, but of the changes that her needs might mean in my husband's life. He's seen the changes in *my* life after my father died and I became responsible for my mother's care.
This is his mother. He should be involved in her everyday care but you can't force him to if he doesn't want to.
His denial may stem from how his mother's illness will upset his life or he may be in denial about the MCI itself. But I think he's hiding out from something. The majority of the care giving shouldn't go to you. This is his mom, not yours.
Hubby may feel the same way. No one wants to face the fact that people they love are slowly going to fade away and we can’t stop it. I truly believe, at some point, your husband will realize he needs to face facts. He may not become a scholar about Mom’s disease, but he will learn how to handle it on his own terms.
He said he doesn't want to know/read up because "this shouldn't be happening to" him. I believe he meant the required changes in his life. Anyway, we settled on something that he can *do* ... if I can find the appropriate section of the book (36 Hour Day), he will read it, and can make a list of questions and fax them to the doctor ahead of time.
It's a beginning, anyway. Does anyone have any other suggestions?
It appears if your hubby doesn’t learn about and understand his Moms condition, he doesn’t have to face it.
It appears he doesn’t want to face it because if he did he would have to admit she’s not crazy or lying.
Your DH probably knows enough about Dementia to know things get rough and get pretty bad.
“This shouldn’t be happening” and not wanting to understand his Moms disease sounds like he just doesn’t want to face what is really happening to his Mom and how it is going to affect his life.
I wish I had a suggestion for you. I dont. I watched my husband behave like yours when his Father’s health started decline rapidly. My DH let his sisters handle everything and stayed as far away from the situation as he possibly could.
1. What level of support does mom need?
2. What kinds of things should we expect her to have difficulty with?
3. How can we address her inadequate nutrition? Her poor medication management?
Have him read Atul Gawande " On Being Mortal"