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Who are you caring for?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Last night he was so upset about the bill for their aids. They just want me! They are fortunate to be able to pay! This is the second time in the last week he was really mean.
You say in your profile that it's your mother that has dementia, along with other issues, and from the sounds of it, your father is a cheapskate and doesn't want to have to pay for her in-home care right? So...you must just tell him that he either has to pay for in-home care or pay to have your mother placed in a memory care facility which will be quite expensive as well. And make clear that you ARE NOT their 24/7 help, as you have your own family to spend time with, and that their(as in your parents)care is WAY above your pay scale. It's about setting healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself and them. And next time your father gets "mean" just walk out and tell him you'll come back when he can talk nicer to you.
Are you their PoA? Does he have to see the bill? If they've got cognitive decline then they won't be operating from reason and logic anymore. Dementia also robs people of their empathy for others, even close family members. Paranoia is also a feature behavior of dementia. Is he on meds for anxiety or depression? If not, this may help him so maybe talk to his doctor about this.
I manage my 94-yr old Mom's financial affairs. Her mind still has plenty of capacity but not 100% and not every day. I put as many of her bills on auto pay as possible and review her bank statement when she asks. If she gets wound up unreasonably over something, I do my best to explain it and then wait to see if she keeps bringing it up. Often she forgets about it, so it's sort of like Groundhog's Day.
Your parents aren't being mean, they're acting out from their dementia because that's all they can do now. Try not to take it personally but also you must develop a strategy in response to it (like redirect, distract, walk out, whatever works) to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. It would also help you to learn more about dementia so you can understand how the disease is continuously changing them and strategies on how to deal with it.
Teepa Snow has some helpful videos on YouTube for this.
We hurt the ones we love because we CAN. That is to say we have to be so careful with others in social contacts, but with our family-- those trusted nearest and dearest-- we don't HAVE to be careful, and so our inhibitions and frustrations come out with a blast. BOOM!
That's how it always is with EVERYONE. Think about it. Your teen will say things to you he/she would never dream to try on anyone else. Your hubby might as well. Your roommate will vent frustration on you because he/she is used to you, knows you, trusts you, can be him/herself with you.
So the old song, We Always Hurt the Ones We Love, is correct. Next time sing a few stanzas to him!
In dad's mind, he's wasting money paying aides when YOU could do the caregiving for FREE, that's why they're lashing out. Never mind it'll kill you with working full time, not to mention when are AVAILABLE to DO said caregiving? Mom has Alzheimer's/dementia so lashing out goes with the territory.
Tell both your folks to treat you with respect, please, or you'll stop coming by, which you do out of LOVE, not because they feel it's your job to do so. Dementia or no dementia, my mother heard me when I'd tell her to stop abusing me or I'd leave her presence. And if she didn't stop the crap, I'd leave. And I WOULD!
My mother has done the same. I'm thinking that if they've spent some of their lives not having very solid finances/living paycheck to paycheck, their fried brain may be regressing back to feeling like they're struggling financially.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So...you must just tell him that he either has to pay for in-home care or pay to have your mother placed in a memory care facility which will be quite expensive as well.
And make clear that you ARE NOT their 24/7 help, as you have your own family to spend time with, and that their(as in your parents)care is WAY above your pay scale.
It's about setting healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself and them.
And next time your father gets "mean" just walk out and tell him you'll come back when he can talk nicer to you.
This is why nothing is making sense. His brain doesn’t function like a normal person.
All you can do is set boundaries as best as you can. I’m afraid that you cannot expect him to be logical.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
I manage my 94-yr old Mom's financial affairs. Her mind still has plenty of capacity but not 100% and not every day. I put as many of her bills on auto pay as possible and review her bank statement when she asks. If she gets wound up unreasonably over something, I do my best to explain it and then wait to see if she keeps bringing it up. Often she forgets about it, so it's sort of like Groundhog's Day.
Your parents aren't being mean, they're acting out from their dementia because that's all they can do now. Try not to take it personally but also you must develop a strategy in response to it (like redirect, distract, walk out, whatever works) to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. It would also help you to learn more about dementia so you can understand how the disease is continuously changing them and strategies on how to deal with it.
Teepa Snow has some helpful videos on YouTube for this.
That is to say we have to be so careful with others in social contacts, but with our family-- those trusted nearest and dearest-- we don't HAVE to be careful, and so our inhibitions and frustrations come out with a blast. BOOM!
That's how it always is with EVERYONE.
Think about it. Your teen will say things to you he/she would never dream to try on anyone else. Your hubby might as well.
Your roommate will vent frustration on you because he/she is used to you, knows you, trusts you, can be him/herself with you.
So the old song, We Always Hurt the Ones We Love, is correct.
Next time sing a few stanzas to him!
Tell both your folks to treat you with respect, please, or you'll stop coming by, which you do out of LOVE, not because they feel it's your job to do so. Dementia or no dementia, my mother heard me when I'd tell her to stop abusing me or I'd leave her presence. And if she didn't stop the crap, I'd leave. And I WOULD!
Dementia does change things but it doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t set boundaries.
I have always admired your example of showing others how to respect themselves.
No one should ever say, ‘That’s just the way it is.’ If we have the power to make things better for ourselves then we should do it.
Changes don’t usually happen overnight. People have been conditioned and it can take a bit of time to develop a healthy outlook.
This is why reading different perspectives like yours is so valuable when going through the many challenges of caregiving.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You certainly helped me during my caregiving journey.