I hate feeling so guilty about not taking my mom on a trip. How do I tell her I'm going and what do I say when she insists on going?

You should NOT feel guilty. As long as you have someone to just check on your Mom, ( neighbor, friend, pastor, etc) you won’t worry as much.
But, your ruining your own life by allowing her to put you on a guilt trip.
You have your own place, I assume?
I would cut down on the everyday visits. Start small, go one day, skip the next,and so on.
Go on your trip, ALONE, and please try & enjoy it.
It seems to me that she has overtaken your life, Time to get it back.

Oh my...sounds JUST like m for years. The more I do the more she expected. My youngest was in the Army and stationed in Alaska. He was Infantry and could be called to go overseas at anytime. I wanted to visit with my son rather than babysit and watch every step so she wldnt fall and do everything. I’m the only child. I felt guilty about going to spend time with my child. She wld say she’s the one who needs a vacation. She lived independently too. She is in NH now. Since last month. Actually she is in the hsptl now but will go back to the NH. Reading your post sounds like dejavu. I only have 2 kids though.

Just bumping up to see how the trip went and how mom reacted when you got home.

No guilt.

When I was growing up, we were the “no vacation” family. No trips to anywhere. (OK, in the 20-some years my parents were together, we did 2-3 overnighters to visit friends out of state. Door-to-door couchsurfing. Every meal at their house. In hindsight, I’m sure they groaned at our arrival and were thrilled when we left.)

But seriously, no day trips to a state park — or anywhere else. No overnights either, except for one drunken brouhaha at Dad’s friend’s hunting camp. (The one & only time I experienced a hotel.) No beach. No woodsy cabin or camping. No hobby-centric trips. No picnics. No jaunt to the apple orchard or berry farm. Nothing.

After my father passed and I was a young adult, I experienced yet another installment of “it’s my job to compensate for my parents’ crappy marriage.” In the form of my mother dropping hints about wanting to go where I went.... wanting me to take her to XXXX..... how nice it would be for her to see XXXX with me.

Uh, no. Whether it was by accident or by design, Mom was beyond neurotic if she was 10 minutes outside her comfort zone. As a passenger, she was always convinced that the driver did not know the route if SHE did not know the route. Went on and on about being lost - when we weren’t. Always sure that her (very competent) driver would get into an accident. Preferred her own abysmal driving to anyone else’s, but refused to drive anywhere except her usual haunts.

And Mom was “so busy.” Doing what? We’ll never know.

But in Mom’s mind, the old turd (my dad) was out of the way - so let’s be gal pals! On her loopy terms and her odd schedule, of course.

I would go to Mom’s house for lunch or to plant spring flowers — when she wasn’t “too busy.” Ahem. I would meet Mom to shop or grab a bite to eat together.....always in her geographical zone.

But “going places” together? No way. I wasn’t all rant-y about it. I just set my boundaries and that was that.

As a minor, it was (inappropriately) my job to “save” or distract Mom from her crappy marriage. As an adult, I chafed at the expectation so much That I Just Couldn’t.

[I was in my 40s when I learned what “parentified” means. Ohhhh. It was like another dimension opened up. But I digress.]

And yes, as an adult, most of my same-age female friends were going peach-picking with their mothers or lakeside weekends or casino jaunts and such. It sounded lovely - but it was not right for Mom & me.

After Mom married her 2nd husband, she turned up the gas a little. Wanted to show the new stepfamily that we were not aberrant. Wanted to demonstrate that our side of the family was “normal.” And Mom wanted to achieve this by using me as her beard.

I did not take the bait. No rants, no speeches. Just stuck with my adult modus operandi. If the step-fam wondered why I wasn’t taking Mom on winery tours and cruises, let them wonder.

Not my monkey, not my circus.

So. Stack decade after decade onto that. No mother-daughter travel.

It’s not the worst outcome. I preserved my sanity. Yay me.

Mom had every opportunity to spread her wings with her sister or her friends or her 2nd husband. Mom elected not to.

Her life. Her personality disorder. Her choices.

The poster did go on her trip without Mom.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. We all suffer from it!

Please plan your trip to visit your daughter, from Monday to Wednesday or whenever feels right. Then just go. You are not beholden to your mother to tell her about every single thing that you do or place that you go. She is in AL and they are taking care of her, and she will be FINE for a few days. Don't answer every time she calls while you're away, and don't explain where you are or what you are doing. It's called ME TIME.

As to the hurtful personal comments, I would address this head on. Ignoring it will not make it go away. The next time she makes a hurtful comment, let her know it is not okay, it is unacceptable for her to hurt your feelings, and you will not allow this type of comment from someone who you are making every effort to help. Then follow through. If she says something rude, take a day or two and DO NOT CALL her. She will get the message that this is not okay with you. Teach her how to treat you.

Is she getting enough attention at the AL facility? If not, perhaps consider hiring a sitter to spend an afternoon with her every week. If you can afford it, let someone else (a professional) take care of some of her needs. Even if they just take her out to lunch every week for or some one on one time, that might help to make her feel special and reduce some of the neediness. They can go and sit in a park, look at the people and flowers, and have a donut and coffee. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as it is enjoyable. Also having a regular spot is very good for the soul. You know the theme song from Cheers? "Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..."

Now go and plan your visit to YOUR daughter! And have fun.

You have an opportunity to value yourself in ways you haven't done before.
It will feel different, of course. Visualize how you want to value yourself, how you would feel if you allowed yourself to feel good/do what you want, and be aware of what comes up. Your mom has depended on you (to an unhealthy degree) because you have allowed her to do so.

You can be honest with her "short and sweet."

I need some alone time to renew and get reacquainted with myself.
I realize this time apart will be difficult for both of us.

Period. End of your comments (aside of perhaps giving her the dates and reassuring her she'll be well cared for in your absence.

Expect her to express any and all negative responses.
This is her fear talking.
Give her space to get it out.

Acknowledge how she feels.
Don't engage in 'fighting' or manipulative behaviors. If you feel you are caving or not on mental / emotional / psychological ground, excuse yourself for a few minutes - or the rest of the day - and regroup.

You first need to feel and believe you deserve to enjoy your life however you want to. There is co-dependency here (on both sides, I believe).

Learn how to love yourself and validate yourself. This could be life changing for you. Gena

You are not horrible for wanting some time off AND time to visit with daughter and grandkids. Being an only child, everything falls on your plate, but EVERYONE needs some respite, some time to do for oneself and take a breather! Although there are three of us, the other two really do not help, so it is like being an only....

Your mom is still "with it", so that part is different. I chose not to provide mom with a phone - combination of very bad hearing (can't hear on phone most of the time) AND in general all calls the staff has "facilitated" were to ask for a ride home or somewhere like her mother's place. So I don't get that part of what you deal with.

Your mom is currently in IL, and is, for now, more independent (even if co-dependent on you.) Ours is in MC, so all her needs, for the most part, are handled by staff.

My response is after-the-fact, but I am on board with not telling about the trip. If they don't know, they cannot complain, cajole, whine, beg... I see that you let her know last minute - that might work for some, as they realize they don't have time to prepare! If one must inform, then matter-of-fact, statement only, no open end for discussion.

Glad to hear that it all went well, despite the hospital trip/call! Good for you fighting the urge to turn around and rush back. What would you be able to do anyway? Also, as someone else said, this was a good first run as now you are aware that even if there is an emergency, it was handled without you being there! Plan for more mom-less trips!!!

Long ago, well before any dementia, I took our mother on a trip with my kids. NEVER AGAIN. Nit pick, complain, gets huffy when you push back, nit pick some more, back stab brother & his family when not with us, sure she did the same about me, complain some more, slam my daughter's fingers in the car door, NOPE, NEVER again and it never did happen again! Max time I that could spend without her driving me up a wall is/was 4 hours. MAX. It has been way less than that when she gets on her high horse!!! Mother or not, we do not have to take crap from them. Got enough of that when growing up, don't need it now!!!

She's not quite so bad anymore with the dementia, but she's also one to just drift back to the table and magazines and tune you out... sigh, so much for a nice visit. I did visit more often before because of another resident (we did jigsaws together and she could carry on conversation and was "friends" with mom), however she passed away just shy of 101... :-( Now I still visit, but usually not for long. Not much there to entertain me when she delves into the shopping magazines, except perhaps interacting with some of the other residents.

By now hopefully your heart heard that you are not a horrible daughter. I’m glad you got minimum grief & you went ahead with your plans. It was distressing to hear mom went to the ER & my first reaction is to say it was just to guilt you but she told you to continue the trip. Seems it worked out & as I always say, “the first times the hardest”. Take a trip again within 4-6 months so it becomes a healthy patttern.

Hi there - as I am sure many others will tell you --- you are NOT a horrible person.  This forum has been very helpful to me, and I hope you find the same.  Perhaps you have been catering to mom and putting your desires aside. You are very fortunate that you are able to travel & have children and g-kids that you want to spend time with and vise versa.  I totally agree that if you take mom you are just taking her care needs "on the road". It does sound like she is mentally abusive to you & you do not deserve or should have to put up with that. I don't think being elderly grants permission to be rude and ugly, especially to those caring for you - regardless of their abilities. 
As hard as it sound, it is really up to you to set reasonable limits.  While it would be easier to just not tell her where you are going, that really does not solve the problem.  You are not 5 and need to account for every step of your whereabouts.  Maybe these have been issues you have dealt with for a long long time, and I know that cycle can be hard to break.  You also have to realize the toll this type of pressure puts on you, and is not fair.  My advice would be to begin an arms length interaction when it comes to these types of things.  If you tell her you are going to your daughter's house, make it a statement - period/// not a comma.  If she is bold enough to invite herself, be prepared for this and stick to your guns.  DO NOT let her guilt you into giving in, they are like children and know that if they push hard enough you will just give up. 
New boundaries are in order, and I think you need to take care of yourself as well.  You are a great daughter to keep up with her needs, but you have them as well. 
Hope you find the strength you need, and enjoy your trip!
Sidelined

You are most definitely NOT a horrible daughter! You should totally go on your own to visit your daughter. It is wearing and stressful to be a caregiver to a parent, and you have a right - actually a true need! - to get away periodically and de-stress. I understand your guilt; we are caregivers to my dad and sometimes I feel that guilt (often actually) even when we go out for a few hours, let alone a day or more. Because I feel like he’d like to get out too... but honestly we often go because we need to get away from him! And it’s okay. You have to take care of yourself if you want to continue to be there for your mom. Also I would imagine your kids and grandkids enjoy spending some time with you, and they are equally important in your life. It’s hard, I know, but ignore the guilt and take some time for yourself. It’s totally ok!

Do not tell your mother you're going on said trip. Even if she'd been a little less acrimonious to you, her health does not warrant a trip. YOU need some respite.

Hi, to put it very simply, don't tell your mother you are going on a trip. If someone accidentally mentions it to her and she demands to know why she wasn't included, say "sorry Mum, I just forgot to tell you about it.'
Also, if she gets in a huff about it, don't feel guilty about not including your mother. You really do deserve a break from your Mum even though she would prefer that you don't have that much needed rest. You also deserve to spend time with your daughter and grandkids
Elderly people can be so demanding when they want to be.
All the best, Arlene Hutcheon

Why would you have to tell your mom about the trip? Just go. Call her as usual and just pretend you are at home. Do you have a job? If you do, you can always say, if pressed, that you are on a business trip. Please, please take time for yourself now while you still can. You are an adult, so you do not have to tell your mom everything or anything! You are not selfish. The fact that you ask the question indicates that you are kind and thoughtful. Now, be kind to yourself!

You are not a horrible daughter. In no uncertain terms, your mother must be told that you are going to be of help. You can not be of help to your daughter if she is there because you will have to help her. Period end of story- nothing further.

You did not say that she has dementia; she will get it. Let the staff know she will be in need of extra attention, may act out. Call her 2x a day; facetime if possible. Pay someone to give her a couple of hours of companionship daily if you like. I am sure there are multiple activities she can engage in,

I admire your dedication. You need a break and are likely burned out, Take lots of pictures!

No, it sounds as if you’re the farthest thing from a bad daughter. Your mom presumably raised her kids to be independent adults. You owe it to yourself to exercise that independence once in a while. You don’t owe her your attention every waking moment. My mom passed at 85 and she never objected to her 3 daughters getting together without her now and then. She thought we needed it.

There is really nothing your mom can do to force you to bring her along. Just tell her you’re taking this particular trip alone. If she objects, tell her you’re sorry she doesn’t understand, but this is something you need to do.

Is there a short-term home health aide who can visit her while you are away? It might help put your mind at ease. It seems to me she needs a lot of help.

Why on earth would you even consider taking her with you? Apparently she has not been, or is, very nice to you. That in itself would void any thoughts of taking her. You have every right to escape and be by yourself and you better get the guts to do it. You seem to have done everything for her without any gratitude or appreciation from her. Why on earth would you feel guilty? I'd be so excited that I was going someone to enjoy my life I would jump up and down. I would go ahead and make all arrangements so you can go on your "vacation" but before you go, notify neighbors and other people who can "look after her" for her safety. You do NOT owe her your life. It is YOUR turn to live life. She will be fine. No GUILT, ENJOY YOURSELF.

Lol, LOVE YOU!

First, you need to get yourself into a caregiver support group. You’re out of balance and you need help to get your life back on track.

Ok, think about this - the best defense is a good offense.

Be light, be happy, be enthusiastic, and tell her you’re going and that you will take lots of pictures and fill her in on everything when you get back. Yes, you are going alone. “Oh gosh mom I love to take you but I need a break, I got a lot of things going on in my life right now and I just need some time to chill. No it’s not you mom and yes we can plan another visit with you in the future. “

Repeat. Repeat. You are too happy to get down about this. Stand your ground HAPPILY and change the subject. Keep redirecting. make an excuse to go, or get off the phone if she becomes too much, but do it happily and lovingly. And give yourself a great big atta-girl afterwards.

I would consider telling her it’s one more day than it really is so you have a day at home by yourself too!

You know from reading all these posts that you are not being selfish or mean. You know you need to take care yourself. It’s OK. We will all stand up for you!

God bless and enjoy your mini vacation!

DEFINITELY GO ON YOUR OWN TRIP!! If possible Take mom on a short weekend away. If not, DEFINITELY GO ON YOUR OWN TRIP!!

When I have a trip planned I always say to my husband (he has AZ and in MC) that I have a business trip I must go on and he is always agreeable that I should go. Also, when I am ready to leave after every visit I say “I have an appointment so I will be back later”. He never minds me leaving. Later being tomorrow or the next day. Also, I am retired so all trips are for pleasure.

I have taken care of two parents. Dad passed in 2016 and Mom just passed this past December. I never left the county for 7 years making sure I was available to them. Mom got so bad that she had to be placed in a nursing facility so I was running back and forth between the two. I never resented it but in hindsight, I should have taken more time for myself. Now, I have more health issues myself. I also ended up in cardiologist office and it was stress related!! My sister had a stroke during this time so I had them by myself. You do some things YOU want to do. There were times I could have gotten somebody to visit with Dad and take him to lunch and I could have gone shopping and done some things I enjoy but I did not. Hindsight is 20/20. There is nothing wrong with a white lie if you are dealing with a parent that doesn’t care if it is hard for you to drag them everywhere. They actually do feel you “owe” it to them to do their bidding and see you as young energetic. Well, I am 66 years old now and I can think of so many things I should have done better for myself and all concerned. Go and enjoy your time with your sister. You deserve some “me” time.

I know these things are often more complicated than they seem by reading, but to me this is an absolute no brainer.

You cannot take her for a number of reasons, and perhaps the top one is you need time alone from her for your own sanity.

I was going to suggest you try to explain this to your mom, but then realized if she is like my mom or some other moms, they don't comprehend logic. Its all about their emotions. So explanations don't work (in my case). Tell her you are going, in a gently way, expect she will probably be upset, then go.

HI Three things that helped me:
1. I told my mom that I would have more energy when I see her if I had some time for myself to get filled up.
2. You do not know yourself how long of a time this is going to be so you need breaks.
3. I find no matter what I did I could always find something I felt guilty about. I heard a Pod Cast where the interviewer asked a psychiatrist ,what is the one thing you hear the most from adult patients? They answered: the adults most commonly say they regret that they postponed their life until their parents' passed.
It is hard especially when you care so much for them.

First of all, stop beating yourself up! You do deserve some alone time with your kids & grandchildren - cherish it! I felt the same way too, we would take a family trip of just a few days every summer to the beach ( about an hour away), but would always get the guilt trip - oh, I wish I could go, what if I need you while you are gone, etc... Mind you, my mom is the reason we kept our trips close to home. My husband is the one that pushed me and told us we needed family time. He was so right, my son is now away at college and we long for time with just us... Not to get into too much detail, but my mom is in a wheelchair, cannot walk & is paralyzed on her left side due to a stroke 16 years ago. AND she hates the water!! So, it would have been a "babysitting" vacation for us as well. Sounds like you already do a LOT for your mom, no need for guilt, it is wasted energy, it took me a long time to get to that point. Go, have a great time & come back refreshed! I agree, this forum is a lifesaver!!!

No you ARE NOT A HORRIBLE DAUGHTER! Don't even let yourself go there - but even if your mother is telling you - that you are (which is what my mother did until I blew up and asked her - "If I'm such a horrible daughter/person then why do you want to continue to live with me?" You need your down time. I can still leave my my mom alone and do so to visit friends and just go shopping by myself. I know sometimes she doesn't like it but I'm not beating myself up anymore about it. I too have been greatly criticized by her in the past. She is getting somewhat better but still she can get very crotchety and is hard to deal with. I've grown a thicker skin, and try and laugh off most of it. They are getting old, confused, probably hurting from various ailments and are losing their independence. Plus my mom who is 92 has lost many friends so I'm sure she gets lonely and frightened. I try to be patient but when I need to get away I do. My family is of very little help. So go visit your daughter - take a day. Oh and you have my full approval to tell little "white lies". Just tell her you have personal appointments. I'm sorry but it's sometimes much easier to lie than deal with all that guilt. Good luck and God bless!!!!

I am glad you went and I hope you have a great time. This reminds me of a person I knew that cared for an elderly parent. First she took the father everywhere, lovely trips, then they'd get home and a few days later he would say "Gosh, I wish we could go somewhere, maybe a little trip?" So the memory didn't even stay with him. Finally he became fragile and she stopped traveling because she worried that he would become ill, and worse yet, that if she went without him, he would become ill and she would be a bad daughter . Long story short, she ended up having health problems and passed away before he did. Its sad that she wasn't able to break away the last few years and live her own life. I myself have three children and 6 grandchildren and they all live in different states and countries. My mom is in assisted living and well taken care of and I travel often and without regret.

Isn'tEasy, I agree, sometimes certain types of people need to hear the truth. I think "burden" may be a little too much but reminding them of what you do for them brings them back to reality. I hate the word OWE. Sorry, our parents chose to have children. They sacrificed because that is what good parents did/do. And hopefully when they are old, we are there for them. In the sense that we help them, not be their everything. Make sure they are safe, fed and clean. If that means an AL or LTC, then so be it.

Hi, Im a horrible daughter too! A 60 yrs old, only child, I worry, I fetch, I go, I do, I pay......I get slammed, criticized, and back stabbed, so your in good company! I went crazy and drove myself into the ground over mom and it got me noooo where. I learned that via this thread, this is a safe place to be you, wounds and all, so dont hold back when you ask things here. I also learned I am not the daughter my mom thinks I am. I am not doing anything wrong and neither are you! GO! LEAVE IT BEHIND YOU and go! Be with you, be with your daughter, go shopping, sleep late, laugh!

I was fortunate to have a great dr. and he found I had an aneurysm at the base of my aorta about ready to go...he said 3cm of wall left. I ended up in patient for several days and she was so angry at me b/c I wasnt there " and something could have happened to ME!" If you think I learned my lesson then, your wrong- that was back in 2010 and until 2018 it didnt get thru my head! And once I started to get clear- AT AGE 60!- I booked at 7 day stay in aruba and didnt give a dam. I slept, ate, laughed, gambled, drank pina collada's, went in the pool, the ocean, got a sun burn, went dancing, went shopping and just sat there and learned there is life outside! Yes, she was angry, yes there was BS to come home to, but you know what, Im going back there again and again and again.
When you have lost yourself, you have nothing to give. Your alive, so live.
My mom is 91, raging super b*tch from the day I was born. Not just with me, she never could keep a friend, a job, the neighbors hated her. I lost friends, jobs, lets not talk about learning to date...because her mouth opened and trouble came out. She hates my husband and one out of 2 kids. I wasted my life trying to push the happy button that doesnt exist. Shouda woulda coulda applys to us too you know, not just them. Your paying the high price of assisted living, let them assist her. What your up against is a negative opinion, nothing more.

If your boss said to you, No vaca for you this year, but your office mate got one...Hmmmm? If you called a dentist and he said your mom doesnt want you to come...Hmmm? See what I mean, Keep the situation, just change the players and see how ridiculous the situation is. Please, dont let your life get away from you, live it. What your feeling is guilt, its mind control. There is still a piece of you that see's thru it, and you think its guilt....its not. Somewhere you know this isnt right and your fighting yourself over making you happy or trying to MAYBE make her happy, if she knows you took her over you. Mind control is NOT control over YOUR mind!!!
The people who give here on this site are amazing-everyone seem to speak from their hearts and soul, and hurtful memories are told truthfully....and believe me, this is the same bunch of people that got thru this thick skull of mine. I owe them! I thought it was me, I thought i was Gods biggest mistake, but its been almost 8 months now and I have finally learned Im not. Neither are you. 60 yrs old and I finally, finally learned to breath. Be you, life is too short!

Don't you dare take your mother with you. Just go.

Speaking from experience here...sometimes, our dependent parent needs to hear and understand (as best they can or are willing to) that their care IS a burden. I know, it feels selfish (they raised me, sacrificed for me, etc). But, you ARE caring and sacrificing for her, and you are also allowed to set boundaries and enjoy your own life.

Think of it this way, if everyday, when you sat down to eat, I grabbed your lunch and ate it myself. You never said a word about it, simply made yourself a new sandwich. Who's to blame there? Both of us. Me, for being rude, though, if my brain is starting to fail, you're going to have to make allowances for my judgement. And you, who never says a word!

Tell your mom, "I'm going out to visit ______ for a couple of days. I'm so excited to spend time with the kids." IF, your mom says "take me," say "I wish I could. We'll be running around the entire time and I just can't." Answer EVERY objection she voices from there on out with, "Oh, Mom, I soooo wish I could. We have a lot of fun ALL THE OTHER TIMES I'VE TAKEN YOU WITH ME. But, this time it just won't work." Don't get into a discussion. Keep repeating, "I'm sorry, I just can't." Even if she piles on guilt-trip language (Oh, am I so much trouble that you can't bring me. Don't you love me? They don't want to see me? It may be their last chance.) BE STRONG. You are a wonderful and devoted daughter and you need to treat yourself as such. Your mom is in taking mode and it's up to you to put boundaries on it.

It took me 5 years of counseling when I was in my 30's to finally realize and accept that I was allowed to live my own life, come and go as I pleased, etc. without including my mother in everything I did. My father was not a nice person, and during that time he was running around on my mother, doing his own thing and leaving her behind. She turned to me for her happiness, and initially it was ok because I traveled a lot for my job and really didn't have too many friends (most were married and having children already) or outside activities since I couldn't commit to anything because I wasn't home. So I DID spend a lot of time with my mom on the weekends, and even going on vacation with her. Then I quit traveling with my job, got involved in some clubs (Jaycees, ski clubs, etc.), got a boyfriend and started to do things separate from my mom (I still saw her frequently, but instead of planning vacations around her abilities, I started going on trips with my ski club and boyfriend, around OUR abilities.) Boy, did I face the wrath of mom! First anger, then the guilt trips...."Oh, I guess I'll just stay home by myself again..." I got into counseling somewhere in the midst of all this, not FOR this, but ultimately this all came out and was discussed. My counselor reinforced that I was a healthy 30-something woman and had a right to live my own life. I did not need permission from my parents to do the things I chose to do, and I was also not responsible for THEIR happiness. So, I continued down my guilt-ridden road doing my own thing, and guess what? Mom went out and made some friends, joined some of her own clubs (Women's Club, Women of the Moose, etc.) and even found a group of neighbors to take bus and other trips with! She eventually took on leadership roles in all of the clubs she joined, basically up until just a few years ago. Suddenly she was happy in her own life (yes, dad was still around and doing his own thing) and I was happy in mine! In recent years, mom's health has declined significantly and she is no longer able to do all those things she was doing, so she, once again, became more dependent on me, esp. after dad passed. While the "need" now is much different than it was 20 years ago, and I had gone back to spending more time with her and doing things for her now, I still remember my counselor's words and go about doing things for myself as I need to. And whenever she pulls some of the guilt strings, or throws a pity party for herself because my husband and I are going on vacation without her, etc., I try to remember those counseling sessions. Just because it is 20 years later doesn't mean the rules have changed. I'm still an adult and allowed to live my own life. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. She lived her life her way and the fact she can't continue on the way she did now at 86 is just a part of life, and she has to accept that and has no right to take my life away from me. I'll be lucky if I make it to 86! So just because your mom is older doesn't mean the rules have changed and suddenly you can't have time by yourself with your own family. As long as she isn't left in a dangerous situation, you need to keep moving forward with your life and not putting it on hold for your mom. If you let her pull the strings, she will and she won't ever voluntarily give up that power! But if you move forward, she WILL learn to accept the situation....or not....but you are not responsible for making her happy or making her accept the situation. That is on her to do. Enjoy your trip - guilt-free!