Sorry first time posting here. Just so frustrated as she has always had someone take care of everything. She gives me $200 a month and she does expect us to take care of the house, animals, appointments, shopping etc. How can we both get over the hurt and anger? I did apologize to her. She is a passive aggressive person.
Honestly, the "I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you do" really irks me. If you ( the one needing caregiving) are not sure that I (the caregiver) know how much you appreciate what I do for you, the you ( the one needing care giving) needs to ask yourself what YOU can do to make sure I damn well know how much I'm appreciated.
A comment phrased like that is sort of a slap in the face of all of us caregivers...it seems to place the blame on US ( the caregivers) if we feel under appreciated.
By all means, you can share my thought process with your MIL if you think it will do any good.
For all of us - I know this isn’t comforting, but please, think twice before you get into caregiving, it’s tiring, stressful, thankless, time consuming, sometimes unpleasant, confining, hurtful and often demeaning. Not to mention guilt.
Guilt is the hardest for all. What will other people think. But mom, dad, whoever needs me. As a good daughter how can I say no. Maybe it won’t be too long. The others will surely help me. I can do it even if I’m sick, tired, depressed or in a horrible mood.
Please, please let’s be honest with ourselves. Try hard not to get forced into caregiving if you aren’t suited for it. Hard on your patient and hard on you if you’re resentful or resigned to the job. But if you do decide to go forward, keep reading this site because so many want to help and their responses are meaningful and good ones. I figure we are all “misery loves company” or more likely, “in the same boat”.
The $200 seems to be a big concern for most of us. Does your MIL intend it to cover expenses? Or is it also intended to reward for investment of time? Where did that number come from, and does anyone keep track of the actual numbers involved in her expenses?
My other afterthought is about your DH, for whom you do the “heavy lifting” with your MIL. If he’s not giving you *some* kind of consideration for your labors of energy/work on his mother’s behalf, then he needs to hear from you *lovingly* about what you need from him!
There’s not a lot more you can do to fix this, as you already apologized and your caregiving is still constant. If you can focus on the fulfillment of caring for her, and/or on whatever are the reasons and rewards for you in your attention to her, you can move past this slip of the tongue.
In all of our relationships, we can only change ourselves. While we hope to influence others, especially those we care for, we are not in control of *them* — we are only in control of ourselves.
Make a list of the best ways you can support yourself in spite of her. These are suggestions for your list: Tell her how you feel, lovingly. ... Give yourself time and permission to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. ... Spend a little bit of that $200 on yourself — an inexpensive treat (favorite gourmet cookie?) that she buys for you each month. ... Journal, sing with the radio, watch funny TV or movies, read whatever amuses or inspires you. ... Do some adult coloring books, or knitting, or easy sewing, whatever engages your creativity. ... Remember that caregiving is a process and there are adjustments to be made sometimes in how we navigate the transitions.
Reaching out to this support group was an excellent choice for you to vent, which I need to do more regularly, in fact. I salute you and keep you in my well wishes!
Please have a few conversations with your life partner about: what kind of life you want to live, how much care you can reasonably give your parent, and what kind of compensation (if any) is needed. It you both work, that should also be factored into your decision-making. After you decide on what kinds of help you can give, let MIL know and help her acquire help from others for the rest of her needs.
I am the main carer for both parents in their late 80s. I draw the line on personal care but do cook numerous meals a week, clean their home, look after meds and appts etc. I have siblings but I live closest so you know what happens. Automatically you fall into that role.
My parents realized at some point that it would be fair to compensate me. (In my country gifts from parents are tax free). They gift me very well which translates to $15 to $20 per hour. They know to get outside help would cost them more. I keep my siblings in the loop and they are willing to step in once in a while when I need a break.
I have also experienced criticism from one sibling but it’s amazing the peace you have when you just move on.
I have read the replies and I can hear the frustration in your post.
It is ok that you snapped, we all do at some point. There is a sometimes fine and sometimes very broad line between appreciation and expectation. And the view from either side of the line is different.
$200 a month is not very much money at all. In my province at minimum wage it pays for 13 hours of work. How many hours a month are you and your dh having to devote to your MIL's needs?
You have not given much in the way of details, age, where she is living, how close it is to your home etc.
My former MIL played the needy woman to a T. She had two sons, but somehow everyone expected me to step up. Like your MIL she has diabetes and anxiety. My last straw was when her neighbour called me to say she needed groceries. I had called her 2 days prior when I was going shopping to ask if she needed anything. She said nope. I was thoroughly ticked off.
I had a year or more before suggested she sign up for free grocery delivery. She refused, why? Because she wanted to go to Walmart and spend hours going up and down every aisle in the store. I do not shop at Walmart and was not going to waste an afternoon there.
After her neighbour called her, I told her enough, she signed up for grocery delivery or took a cab, I was not helping any more. She signed up the next day and loved the service until she went into AL. Years before this, she had signed up for Rx delivery and that was a godsend.
I also told her sons that she was not my mother and I was not doing anything further for her. Keep in mind I was working 6 days a week, had kids at home and a hubby who worked from home 4 days a week, who set his own hours and could easily take her to appointments.
It is hard to put boundaries in place, but in the long run it is worth it. You are the one who decides how much or how little you are willing to do for her. Not your MIL, not your DH. You decide which days you will be available and what times on those days. And choosing to no longer be available is an option too.
I have a mother who has complained for my entire life that she does not have a decent carving knife. Not my problem. I respond with why in 50+ years have you not bought one if it is an issue? If your mother in law needs house work done, that is her responsibility as a home owner. If her pets need care, that is her responsibility as a pet owner. Not your problem.
In my experience with my own MIL, she thought $200 was A LOT of money. Period. My MIL also used money as a form of control as in "I'm paying and therefore I dictate the terms and I get what I want."
You apologized; however, as others have pointed out, you did not resolve the problem. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss with him what you are willing to do and what you aren't willing to do for his mother.
I would bring it up again with her in a calm and loving manner, something along the lines of "MIL dear, I'm getting older and taking care of your house, pets and errands is becoming more difficult for me. My outburst the other day was out of frustration. Let's talk about making some changes to how we get your needs met that's within your budget." Then be quiet and listen to what she says.
Things to consider:
Grocery delivery
Cleaning service or housekeeper who comes highly recommended
Car service to appointments
What type of pets? Does she need a dog walker?
Appointments can become overwhelming for caregivers. Not all appointments are necessary, and you don't have to accompany her to all appointments. More and more patients are requesting telehealth services. Maybe she needs a helper one or two days a week.
I cared for my 87 year old mom for five years (82-87) before my sister 'took over'/took her turn, which is how things are now. One of the most difficult things for me was the fact that she had NO idea of the cost of items and labor--she had no idea of what minimum wage is, much less what a skilled plumber, electricial, landscaper, etc. earned fairly. Also, I was VERY embarassed that she adamantly refused and saw no need to tip any of these folks--she I always ended up following them outside and giving them cash for a fair tip for their time (my mom can afford it, and I can't, but ...) This is to say, maybe your MIL has the same lack of understanding of fair pay is these days? It was a very awkward and embarrassing situation for me.
Any other relatives (grandkids, nieces/nephews) that could help you guys out? Perhaps have someone do weekly grocery shopping, or keep you company occasionally for a few hours and help clean the house?
For me at least, and I think it's fairly common from this forum, Caretaking is a constant push-and-pull of genuine caring and resentment. Keep yourself healthy and bear in mind you'll eventually be 'free'.
Apparently you have taken on this care without setting any boundaries for your own life and your own home. That is on you, not on your MIL.
Apology is fine. Now it is time to sit and set down in writing a c. ontract and rules. You say she is passive aggressive. Why is she living with you? Is she in some way, either physically or mentally disabled? If not it is time to figure out what her part of the activities needed for daily living she will be responsible. What nights of the week she will cook in return for your taking her say shopping, to appointments and etc.
You make your own choices in life. Good luck moving forward for a better agreement.
Where does your husband fit in all of this? He just lets the girls squabble?
Not knowing your base relationship with your MIL--maybe she'll let it go after a while.
MY MIL remembers things that happened in the Truman administration and is absolutely as angry NOW as she was in the '50's. Not HER 50's the 1950's.
Dh and I were dating when she had her gallbladder out. We were not bothering her at all, in fact, I cooked several meals for her specifically, but she hated me being in her house and would wait up until DH and I had finished studying to yell down the stairs "TAKE HER HOME ALREADY. I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITH 'HER' HERE."
Ok, at the time, kinda funny.
Flash forward 44 years and she maintains she has not slept since 1976 when I entered her life.
It's taken almost all of those 44 years to get to a point where she is NOT in my life in any way, shape or form.
In her case, there is no hope for any kind of reconciliation, nor do I want one.
I did practice the 'I'm sorry, this is my fault' for many years and it made things much worse. Distance was the only saving grace. I think you can mend things with your MIL--but DH has to be involved. That was part of my problem. DH would NOT step up for me. Never, not once.
Marrying a mama's boy is a rough way to go.
As far as your husband not stepping up for you, here's my story--my younger sister would show up occasionally and be really vicious toward me (no reason, except she was always jealous--she's an enchilada short of a combination plate, slightly 'off bubble', etc.). I was the ONLY one of three daughters who did anything for my mom, who needed a lot of care--and I also needed a lot of care and support, which I didn't get. The viciousness was over the top, and was NEVER done in front of my mom--sister was very careful about that. I told my mom over and over of what sister had done and sister's behavior because I was so hurt and was figuratively, running to mother's skirt for consolation--and my mom's response was consistently "oh, you girls, stop being silly", or "I never heard her say [that]', or "I didn't see her do that", and when I'd insist, mom would shut down. As time went on, mom started to draw a deep, angry breath, lifted shoulders, eyes closed. I did finally accept that my mom couldn't be there for me and that she literally did not have the emotional capacity to 'deal' with what was going on. I tell that long story to perhaps illustrate that I also know what it's like to not have someone stepping up to defend you. And it's NOT only 'mama's boys'!!
This way you can go an enjoy a visit with her, without the burden of taking care of her house, which is a lot of extra work, but you will still have to take her to doctor appointments and shopping when needed. Taking care of her house is a huge task and you can use that time to enjoy yourself and your family. When you visit her you can take her something special or a treat she loves. My mother had Alzheimer's and my brother took care of her, took care of her house, took her to all of her appointments, finding people to stay with her 24/7 when he was unable to be there, etc., plus trying his best to be with his own family and take care of his own house. It really took a toll on him physically and mentally. I was unable to be there to help, living almost 700 miles away and had a full time job to support my family. When we finally put her into a memory care center for her own safety, it took my brother at least a year before he almost felt like his old self.
Wishing you the very best, whatever you decide to do.
Still, although I'm sorry for the frustration on your side (hugs) and the hurt on hers (oops indeed!), it -
I was going to say, it won't have done her any harm to hear a home truth. But on reflection, yikes, yes, it probably did hurt, and more to the point it might for the time being have shaken her confidence in you.
- but it is all the same Too Late. You'll both just have to let water pass under the bridge.
I wanted to scream.
My simple answer, scream with friends that will listen, go out for a drink, walk, something fun that YOU enjoy.
AND definitely lessen your time with your MIL, even if it's just for a few weeks.
It helped me...yes I felt some guilt but my NOT taking care of myself was NOT helping her or me. Dad in Hospital/Rehab. She as apt alone.
I needed time to mediate/pray and know that this is difficult for her too but I do not deserve to be disrespected and her and I had that conversation.
Not much has changed except for me taking the time for myself AND keeping my visits shorter and doing what I know needs to be done and some of what I wanted to do, like plant flowers in front of her apt. makes me feel better and I know she appreciates it.... WE can not change the circumstances of what is happening but we can try to make it less painful and try to be empathetic …
having a small short conversation saying you are doing the best that you can for her but that you wish to be NOT disrespected and taken for granted. let her talk and just be a sounding board.
Hope this helps
Lauren
Loving Daughter with 3 brothers,
Loving Mother of 3 sons
I pray to God I am learning what he is trying to teach me
Question - I read your earlier posts. Is the plan still for your father to come home with 24/7 care? You said that MC is too much money. Isn't 24/7 care also very expensive? And I'm concerned that you are going to be the one who ends up providing at least some of that care.
Whether your MIL realizes it or not, $200 a month is an insult and I wouldn’t take any money if I were you. Others have assumed you are a “slave” to your MIL but somehow I doubt it. I think you just don’t want to face the adult discussions that are required to improve the situation. Going forward is going to be so much more difficult if you don’t deal with your husband and his mother now.
I see so many posts on this website that are full of resentment...almost hatred. Yet when the inheritance materializes, these same adult children gladly take the money and think they are entitled to it. Or they hate their parents even more when they die because there is nothing left at the end to repay them for all the “sacrifices” they think they have made for their parents. Sometimes the hope of an inheritance is the only reason these resentful adult chiIdren do not want to use their parent’s resources to provide appropriate care for them. It all cuts both ways. Sometimes the problem is YOU.
I feel so sorry for all the old people who have the misfortune to be cared for by such a group of hostile, resentful, and often selfish people. Most of these writers will live to see themselves in the same state of helplessness and have family caregivers who will resent you just as much. You took care of your own babies. Why is it so hard to grasp that taking care of your elderly parents is an expected part of the life cycle? If you live long enough, you too will expect someone to care of and care about you when you are in the frail elderly stage of life. Why shouldn’t your 87 year old mother in law expect to be taken care of? This is going to happen to everyone who has the misfortune of living to be “inconvenient” to their children. Your own children will observe your attitude toward your elderly relations and see it as permission to resent you just as much when you are old. Think about it.
My mother’s children took care of her until she was admitted to a nursing home at the age of 99. We visited her in the nursing home 4 times a week. We were happy when she died because we knew she would never have wanted to find herself in such an advanced state of deterioration and helplessness. Some of the five siblings helped but most didn’t do much. One of her children did all the hard work with support from one other. That’s life. Deal with it.
Does she have other children besides your H?
How much caregiving do you do? Is it 8 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is it preparing all her meals?
I shop for my parents, (insta carr or walmart pick up), I mow my parents yard,and batch cook my dads meals every two weeks, but I see them 2 days a week, talk to them everyday and still have plenty time for myself and my grandkids
If you feel like it is not enough pay then address that issue and then let her know that she is entitled to expect that you will do what you agreed to do if you are being paid a fair wage for what you are doing.
It is a challenge to make sure that we don't get trapped into being used by our elders because they pay us. They don't understand the economics of 2020 and think that they are being overly generous by paying 200.00 a month for a personal slave. It is up to us to help them understand that they are really only paying for the fuel, if that, so we can do what we do.
I would have the hard conversation with her and hopefully there will be peace achieved, if not tell her that you will help her find someone that can help her instead of you. She might just decide that she doesn't need a personal slave when she is confronted with the actual expense.
Arrange for home delivery of her groceries. Many places it’s free or low cost for seniors. Switch to Doctors Who Make House Calls, so no doctor appointments to deal with. And, assign out most things to others who will have their own charge.
If she can’t afford to do that, I’d just try to downscale the tasks as much as possible. With someone that age....I’d just try to make it work. She won’t change. When dealing with frustrating family dynamics, I try to forgive, distract myself with positive things, prayer, give thanks for all my blessings and realize I will get jewels in my crown one day. Lol