I have been struggling watching my mom (90) age. She has a myriad of issues (HBP, Parkinsons, Gout). How do I rid myself of this anxiety?

MOST of us will have to deal with the decline of our parents. It's part of life.

My mom has taught me, through what she's experienced, what I DO NOT want to have happen to me or DH.

Poor planning, poor choices, letting one sib rob them of their savings and having the belief that SS would support them 'just fine'--when in fact, it barely covers the basics....losing their home due to said sibling...moving in with ANOTHER sibling--going on 24 years now...

Watching my sweet dad suffer the absolute indignity that is Parkinson's--and watching mother just slowly slumping into nothingness. Very little QOL and no interest in much of anything.

It doesn't cause me anxiety--b/c I know that there is little to nothing I can do for her to really help her. Aging is a personal thing. I can drive her to Bingo once a week. I can try to clean her apartment, I can spend about 1/2 an hour with her before she drives me nuts...and I can see how easily that can happen. Hope to not do it to my kids.

My YB has primary care of mother. I step in and out depending on how the winds are blowing (kinda like Mary Poppins)..she NEEDS me right now, so she's being super sweet and I find that kind of ironic.

My parents never came 'ahead' of my own kids. So, there's no 'guilt' there.

It just is what it is. Mom will likely live a few more years (she's 91) and she likely will wind up in a NH the next time she falls. We all just try to go with the flow.

Perhaps you are a far kinder person than I am. I have enough personal issues to deal with, I cannot climb up on mother's cross too. I care, but I can't care too much. It's unhealthy and I won't sacrifice my life for hers.

Maybe you need some talk therapy to get feeling cenetered about this, if it's keeping you upset or depressed. I did work out some issues about mom through therapy and it really helped me.

There's really nothing that helps me with the anxiety as there will be a "next thing". I feel for you. It's that awful pit-of-the-stomach feeling as you wait for the shoe to drop. Either illness or death, either one is a bad, but eventual outcome. I,too, am an only child, so I understand how difficult it is to see your parents age. Unlike you I don't have a spouse or kids to at least divert my attention from caregiving. I live with my parent and work full time and haven't had time off other than caregiving in years. It's just something we all have to face, isn't it. Aging (if we are lucky) and then dying.

Basically stop yourself from "going there". It causes one to worry and fret. Allow yourself 15 minutes to 1/2 our every day to "go there" and imagine every awful thing. Then claim your day back until something happens. You cannot predict what will happen and overworrying will have your anxiety kicked into high gear when you don't need "fight or flight".
I am a worrier and can get myself anxious over what is in the mail that day, so being POA and Trustee of Trust for my bro could kick me into high gear in seconds. It isn't worth it. Most of the things you worry about won't happen, but OTHER THINGS will. So you need not to expend that energy and part of that is training yourself with "I will not think about this again today; I thought about it this morning. I can think about it again tomorrow morning" and then divert yourself. We can train our minds. Try meditation, and try deep breathing exercises. Good luck. I understand to the depth of the core of me!

I’m an only child, too. You received some excellent advice from the posts below. I have been told by three professionals (primary doctor, psychiatrist and counselor) the exact same thing...for dealing with my anxiety and my mom... develop distance... and you might have to become creative about it so that your mom doesn’t notice. Here are some tips that have helped me:
1.Send lots of mail. Little cards and notes. Small packages, etc... even though you are a few minutes away.
2.Call right before her meals/activities... she will be occupied after the call is over.
3.Make in and out visits. Again, before an activity. Don’t go alone, bring another person to buffer.
4.Talk about the busyness of your children and their activities.
I struggle with anxiety. It’s a lot to handle. Being the only child of a declining parent is extremely hard. I never want my sons to experience the upset and stress I have been through. Warmly-Sunny

It is hard to try to not anticipate what *might* happen. As AlvaDeer says, we can worry about this or that and then have something completely different happen. We really can only tackle what is currently an issue. What tomorrow brings, it brings and then you deal with it. Given the current medical issues, worry about falls or strokes would probably be what I'd expect, but other than mitigating falls, we can't prevent strokes (other than keeping her on her meds.)

My mother was around 90 when dementia came calling. Initially it wasn't too bad, but I wanted "eyes" on her as I live 1.5 hours from where she lived. Hired aides 1hr/day weekdays only, with intent to increase time and duty as needed (it was only to check on her and make sure she took her meds from the dispenser we set up.) She thwarted that by refusing to let them in less than 2 months later. She was still mobile, could dress and eat (couldn't cook anymore, so boxed crap and frozen dinners) and was messing up finances so I took that over. We had to take her car as well - between hearing loss, Mac Deg and dementia, she was an accident waiting to happen (dents, dings, and a ruined tire and rim said NO MORE!) Just before we moved her to MC, she "bruised" her leg and developed cellulitis. She didn't even have enough sense to know how serious it was OR tell one of us. Thankfully she told her neighbor, who reported mom said she bruised her leg.

Although she had one big "step back" in time to about 40 years ago, she was holding her own there. Eventually she was using a rollator, then refused to stand/walk on her own, so wheelchair the last 6-8 months. Around Labor Day last year, she had a stroke. It impacted her right/dominant side. She was still pretty feisty (got mad they called EMTs and tried to kick the nurse!) It also impacted her swallowing and some speech, so she was losing weight and hospice finally came on board. Mid December the second stroke did the worst. She lasted another day after that.

I didn't worry too much, as she'd had a good long run. Of course any time a call from the facility came, it would pick up my BP a bit, but usually it was nothing. I suspect the high BP contributed to dementia for her and certainly the stroke (esp when she started refusing the meds, unable to swallow them. I did talk with the pharmacist and was told they could empty the contents into applesauce or ice cream - they are time-release, so any chewed would lost effectiveness, but most would likely go down and any we could get in was better than none!)

When those thoughts hit, take a deep breath and try to banish them. Often I would get a song stuck in my head and had to work to get it out. Same idea, think of something else, sing a song you like or listen to music you enjoy, just to get your mind onto something else. Tackle some task that's been deferred that requires some thought. Anything, just to get your mind off the "what ifs." You have two grown children - if you're like me and many others, we go through all that when raising them. You can try to protect others from certain things, but in many cases we just have to tackle what really happens, not the feared things, when they occur.

It is good that you've come to terms with end of life. That's a start. Now just work on getting those thoughts out of your head!

The best advise I have is to BREATHE (a lot) and not borrow trouble.

I was more anxious before mom and dad moved to AL - they were in IL and dad was falling - a lot - at the time we didn't know dad was having strokes in the balance center of his brain - no outward signs of the stroke). Dad was unhappy still being alive and I was afraid he was falling (not necessarily on purpose - but ... I sometimes wondered). When a retired nurse told dad he didn't have alzheimers sent us to have dad evaluated by neurologist to confirm the alzheimers and as a result of MRI found the evidence of his strokes.

The anxiety went down after they moved to AL - however dad continued to fall - but I knew he was safer than he had been.

Anxiety soared through the roof in Jan 2019 when found dad didn't have the "creeping crud" but was suffering CHF, AFIB, leaky valve and another circulatory issue. At 91 he decided not to pursue active treatment and went on hospice. Once things got sorted out and dad was on hospice - anxiety went down again. Yes he continued to fall - at least weekly - and I'd cringe whenever the phone rang early in the morning or late at night. While I knew he would continue to fall - I didn't stress out over it. I didn't stress over his end of life decision or when one afternoon, he went to sleep and never woke again.

While I always wondered what would happen next - I never worried much about it - and I'm a worrier and prone to stressing out by nature. However with my parents I actually wait for the shoe to drop before freaking out - which lasts until I can get my head around what's happening - luckily with dad (I believe his bones were essentially made of rubber - 2 of his early falls in IL resulted in a couple of cracked ribs and a compression fracture of his spine) the rest of the his fall essentially left him bumped and bruised - later falls were slides to ground as he was too weak to stand.

Spend the summer off - visiting your parents, but especially taking care of yourself. Have a spa day - or 2 or 3. Have long leisurely lunches, lose yourself in several good books.

Be good to yourself and good luck.

Please start with an appointment to your primary care provider. Make sure that there is not a medical reason (hyperthyroidism comes to mind) for your anxiety.

If you are OK physically, then your next appointment should be to a psychiatrist. He/She can get you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to help with your symptoms while you work with a therapist to find new coping strategies. If you commit to working with your therapist, you should find your anxiety soon decreasing enough that you do not need to rely on medications or a very small dose.

I am so sorry you are feeling anxious. It is a hard one to live with, but there is a reality that helped me and maybe it will help you.
My first husband was in law enforcement. I used to worry every single day when he went to work. That he'd be injured or killed. Gave myself bleeding ulcers.
Then one night about 11:30 we got a call that one of the agents had been shot and for him to grab his long guns and get to the scene as they were actively searching for the shooters. I stayed up all night waiting to hear who got shot, if the other agents were okay, if my husband was going to be okay, etc. Worried myself into the hospital for 3 days because I kept throwing up blood (sorry this is so graphic). A lovely internist who treated me asked me, how did all your worrying change the outcome of the situation? I said it didn't, it couldn't. He said, then why do you worry? You are wasting energy and making yourself sick, AND YOU DIDN'T CHANGE A SINGLE THING!!!!
From that day on I stop myself from worrying.

I think we are programmed to worry as a sign of caring. But you can care for someone without worrying. So the next time you start to feel anxious, stop, breathe, and ask yourself if becoming anxious or worried can change the situation. Then let it go. It's only hard the first time. After that, it's a piece of cake. Big hugs and comforting energy to you.

Your mother is living in Assisted Living, so there is a team of caregivers on the scene to keep an eye on her FOR you. That, in and of itself, should help relieve you of the worrying factor b/c if something goes wrong, you'll get a phone call, right? No news is good news, that's how I look at it. My mother is 94 and living in Memory Care AL. I get a call at least 2-3x a week that she's fallen. She's done so 73x since she's lived in AL and MC combined (since 2015) and there was nothing I or anyone could have done to prevent it, either. She's been hospitalized with pneumonia twice, and other issues twice, to the ER countless times, too, but thanks to an alert staff, they warded off WORSE problems by catching things quickly. That's all we can hope for. We can't prevent our mother's from dying, so all we can hope for is the least amount of suffering along the way. They're both set up in the safest possible place to ensure that, too.

I like Maple's suggestion about warding off worrying by reminding yourself it doesn't change the outcome of anything; it just makes US sick. I often think my mother will outlive ME b/c of how anxiety ridden she makes me. I'll be 64 next month. So I work on ridding myself of the anxiety producing comments and drama she creates every day. I fact check her statements with the staff at the MC, and realize that 90% of what she says is either a lie or a huge exaggeration. I highly suggest doing that, btw, if your mother is prone to telling you lots of ugly details about how much pain she's in or that she's 'dying' or the like. I often feel much better after making a fact checking phone call and hear that she's sitting in the activity room doing FINE.

Anyway, there's nothing WE can do about THEIR old age and infirmity anyway, so why make ourselves sick over it? Get out and about, keep your mind on productive activities, and tell yourself you'll cross the crisis bridge if and when you have to. In the meantime, you'll enjoy every moment of the life God gave you, your children, your husband, your job and your friends. In reality, we wind up worrying about things that never even happen!

Best of luck!

Someone just said to me, the other day, "You know, 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass". I really took that in, and although the numbers may be a bit 'off' the truth is, we worry about something happening and it never does and so we find something ELSE to worry about.

I like the concept of giving a few minutes day to the 'worry du jour' and then putting it away mentally.

We have so very little control over ANYTHING except for our own attitudes!

Life stinks and can be terribly cruel and in too many case there is nothing on this earth we can do to change or fix situations. You are NOT responsible and you are not GOD. It is heart breaking and it is killing you and you are helpless. There is absolutely nothing you can do except work with the medical people, be sure all personal affairs are in order and love her and be there. But YOU must think of YOU first. This is your time. She has lived her life. Good luck. Time heals many things - at least to some degree if not completely. Be patient. One day this horror will pass and be behind you.

I think the anxiety comes from denying the new state of our mother's health. We think if we did something different or took some action sooner we could have a different outcome. My mother did exceptionally well until she was 87. Then she took a fall and broke her right knee badly. She needed surgery to repair it, but it's a risky surgery with a 40% failure rate on young healthy people, and mom's age worked against her. With possible bad outcomes including amputation, we decided against surgery and mom was left with a knee that doesn't bend completely and not at all for walking. Mom went from walking a mile a day and moving around the house as she liked to being bound to a walker. I started feeling guilty about the fall (I should have seen it coming and pushing mom to use her cane more) and worrying about the next fall, even though I knew her spinal stenosis would eventually mean she would be wheelchair-bound. Mom and I had a rough year; her adjusting to the loss of independence and I adjusting to the fact Mom is really declining.

I came to mostly acceptance and lost the constant anxiety when I was able to accept Mom had entered a new stage of life that I could not change. There would be changes, often as quick as her fall, I could not anticipate nor change what would happen. I focused on providing as much good care and opportunities for enjoyable interludes as I could. Physically Mom loves a whirlpool bath and getting lotion applied so I made that part of her daily routine. Mom also has some dementia so I looked back over my childhood and her life for the things she enjoyed that she might still be able to do. Mom always loved music and sang most of the time when she was working during my childhood so I started singing with her. She remembers every song and hymn we ever sang and she loves our time spent singing. So while conversations about current events or books we have read don't work very well now, we can enjoy the time spent singing. I don't know when that next "changing" event is going to happen so I focus on today. I know that changing event is going to happen because Mom's declining health and eventual death is a certainty I cannot change - worrying about it before it happens will not change it.

You have anxiety because you are sad over the situation that you’re in. I also had a mom living with Parkinson’s disease and it is brutal to watch. For me, I developed a fear of getting Parkinson’s myself. My mom’s brother had it too. It’s natural to be upset seeing parents suffering.

It’s hard to retrain our brains if we fall into anxiety and depression. I had to see a therapist to help sort out my emotions regarding watching my mom deteriorate. As you know, there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease. The meds help to control the symptoms but it is a dreadful disease. My mom recently died at the age of 95. I miss her but I am so grateful that she is at peace now.

It is hard to relax and not think about the next fall, knowing that they are living in pain or experiencing tremors. My mom had some anxiety and depression. She was ready for her life to end so she could reunite with my father in the afterlife. We mourn the loss of our loved ones long before they die. They are merely existing, waiting for their time on this earth to end.

You are fortunate that your mom is in assisted living. I had my mom at home with me. Still, you feel the same emotions that I did. It’s hard, whether they are in a facility or at home.

Be glad that she is being well cared for at her facility. I’m sure that you are grateful for that. Try not to let it consume your every thought. I don’t think that your mom would want that unless she is a ‘self centered’ individual. You don’t sound like a chronic worrier to me. You will work through this situation. It’s a difficult and stressful situation. I have been there and I feel for you.

There are in person support groups for caregivers. I did attend one and I met very nice people in similar situations. The woman who started the group is a social worker and she was very helpful.

Online forums such as this forum helped me also. Take the advice that is applicable for you.

Being prepared helps too, such as knowing when to set up hospice care. Some people wait too long before starting on hospice. You can speak to a social worker to guide win the proper direction.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.

I apologize if this offends anyone, but the ONLY solution I know to prevent anxiety and worry is leaning on and trusting in God. I meditate on Scripture daily. There are many, as the Bible is brimming with hope, but two that come to mind in this instance are: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Whenever anxious thoughts come to your mind immediately stop them and instead recite one or both of these scriptures and believe them in your heart. Do it each and every time and slowly watch your anxiety flee.

Daily exercise helps a lot. I ride my bicycle every single day-incorporate it as part of your daily routine.

I feel responsible for my mother’s happiness. My anxiety is the result of my wanting her (lives in AL) to have a better quality of life. At this time her facility has Covid restricted pre scheduled 30 minute visits. I can also take her out. She doesn’t leave her suite to take part in activities or sit outside. The only time she interacts is during my visits or when I take her out. She just had cataract surgery (previously refused surgery) sufferers from depression and mood disorders. She doesn’t talk very much or watch TV. She can now read (her main hobby) again but her processing is slow. She has very little quality of life but doesn’t complain. I too feel helpless watching this slow deterioration.

Hi Jeanine5432,
it is such a hard situation to be in. Myself I lived with my mother who had Alzheimer’s (but she didn’t believe anything was wrong other then a forgotten word here or there) and then had to do the gut wrenching thing of placing her in memory care for her safety and to hopefully improve her quality of life. Logically I knew it was the right thing to do but emotionally I was a wreck about it. When my mother was at home and when she was at memory care I constantly worried about her, like I was constantly in flight or fight mode readying myself for the next unexpected emergency. I was in therapy which helps and the main thing I would do that helped me (everyone is different so please don’t feel bad if what worked for me doesn’t work for you), what helped me would be sort of being in the now. What I mean by that was when I was living with her and I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic over her health and safety and what may happen. I would check on her (make sure she was still home in her bed and was breathing) then when I saw that she was fine I would repeat to myself « I know that right now my mother is safe, I know she is alive, I know she is sleeping so she is alright » I would repeat that to myself especially when the anxiety would begin.
i would do the same when she was in memory care. After I called the residence and spoke to her I would repeat to myself « mom is doing well, she is alive, she is safe and she is well cared for. » this worked really well just after I spoke to her because I knew it was not likely that anything bad would’ve happened in the few minutes since I spoke to her. Sadly the anxiety would come back after an unknown amount of time but at least for those moments it helped to calm me with the logic of the now. If that makes sense?

oh and calming teas took the edge off a little (chamomile, valerian etc). But of course be careful drinking them until you know how you will respond to them. They can make some people really groggy and less alert and of course if you are allergic or taking certain meds please be careful. I am not a doctor so I don’t know if the teas are healthy for you.

it is so hard to live with the fear that you are currently going through. I have been there and oddly even though my mother passed away a few months ago I seem stuck in that anxiety, just waiting for that other shoe to drop. Please know you are not alone in your anticipatory anxiety and it is normal and shows how much you love your mother.

big hug for you. I am sorry I couldn’t provide more help for you.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 30...im now 60 and its obviously now worse as a caregiver. My mom is also 90 and i lived in Manhattan until my 90 yr old dad got sick 3 yrs ago....couldnt leave mom alone .....i spent 2 months visiting dad in hospital and rehab and then he died and mom went south.....she has High BP, Heart Failure, Diabetes, EDEMA, etc ...recently all her meds are not working well...she is swelling from the heart failure, sugar is so high it needs 6 pills to control and still too high and bp some mornings is 200....since dad got sick, i have been staying here with mom and not my apt.....last march 2020, we all came down with covid in NYC - one night mom couldnt breathe and called out for my brother(he has been here as well on some days) and I saw mom so ill that i fainted and hit my head hard on the toilet bowl - concussion followed by vertigo, vomiting, etc - mom was carted off to hospital and i was left crawling to bed. She survived her hospital stay and then recuperated at home - i was up 24/.7 with her during that 4 weeks of home recuperation - she was still very ill .....fast forward to feb 2020 - night of 2nd pfizer shot, mom got very ill in middle of night (again) and called out - and i fainted again - this time needing to be hospitalized for 5 broken ribs and a collapsed lung.....other than these 2 events, im moms 24/7 caregiver and am able to do her vitals every morning, clean the house, make and serve meals, take her to all drs appts, do all her meds....but the anxiety of seeing her decline effects me emotionally and physically and I faint BUT I have been having these fainting episodes since I was a teen. Anxiety is no joke....what i do to make things better 1. Run daily, 2. Eat Well 3. Drink lots of water 4. Prayer and Meditation......there is no easy solution.....

I agree with Mhillwt, take care of yourself extravagantly.

Exercise covers a multitude of problems. If nothing else, you sleep better!

good luck!

I understand how you are feeling. Your situation is somewhat similar to what I was dealing with with my mother until she died last September at age 85. She was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2011 and had to go into AL in 2013. I live a plane ride away and it was the only realistic option. I felt both guilty and relieved that she would be getting the care I couldn't give her. But I felt anxiety every time I would get a call from her place, if she had fallen or some other medical issue arose. I had to tell myself that I was doing the best I could for her. I know it can be difficult at times but try to look at the positives in your situation. You are so lucky that she is only three minutes away so that she can see you and your family regularly (hopefully, now that COVID is declining in many places). I wished that I had been in a position to move my mother closer to me, Because of COVID I did not get to see her for nine months, and I believe the isolation for residents at her place accelerated her decline. I only got to visit her near the end because she was in hospice. Don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Dear Jeanine, it sounds like you are waiting for the next shoe to drop. It is a sign of your hyperviligence which produces anxiety. The good news is that your mom lives on a retirement center. Do they have progressive stages of care as your mother would need?

Time now to take a deep breath. You have done your best and all that you can do. Does your anxiety come from a place that you have not done enough or from a place you are fearful of her dying and want to consciously or unconsciously prevent this? Who do you have that you can talk to, your spouse, a friend, a clergy person, her doctor or social worker Tell them your story -you need to be heard. You don’t want advice, just to be listened to.
Each time you feel anxious, remind yourself these are old tapes and you now are focusing on all the good you have done. You no longer have to live up to these false expectations. Blessings

Dr. Edward Smink - Soul of Caregiving

Juse have to accept the fact that we all die and there's a time for everything.
Sad it is but just keep visiting and put on a happy face, even tho it is depressing.
Praters your mom is in no pain because that just makes it worse.
I have a Dad 97 yrs old with Dementia and has a Cathiter and now monthly UTI's.
I pray that my Dad stops getting the urinary track infections because he's gone thru all the antibiotics that can help him and his body is now use to them and most do nothing to help him.

So, I now pray that God will just let him die in his sleep before going thru severe pain from kidneys non functioning.
I know he's lived a long and full life and he use to say he's going to live to be a 100 and that would be great as long as he's not in a lot of pain.

Prayers

Rather than focus on the next bad thing that might happen, try to look at each day with "fresh eyes" and deal with the day as it evolves. It sounds like your mother is in a safe place and very close by.

You cannot prevent "the next bad thing" by worrying about it. If there is a new development, you and doctor and any care takers will address the new issue.

It is sad to watch our parents age and decline. They used to be our protectors in this world and now they are fading away and we feel left "out there" to fend for ourselves.

Enjoy the easy and "good" days and do what's needed on the bad days.

Yep, me too, right up until my mom died. Some days I would be going to visit her and dreading what I would find. It didn't help that my mom's health went up and down on a daily basis, and I never knew if a downturn was a new normal, the beginning of a slide, or a temporary issue.
I could never get away from it, but I could hold the anxiety off by wearing "other hats". I watch my pre-school granddaughter 4 days a week, and her sister and cousins at various other times. I volunteer at church. Vacations helped too, since I trusted her situation.

As MHillwt says below:
1. Run daily
2. Eat Well
3. Drink lots of water
4. Prayer and Meditation......there is no easy solution.....

While you may not be a runner, exercise, move, stretech.
Move # 4 to # 1 spot: prayer and meditation.

Understand that (some of your) anxiety likely comes from not wanting to accept what is, and feeling grief/sadness. Understandably we want to push these feelings away although they do not go away, they come out in other ways (i.e., addictive behaviors, depression, anxiety, etc.)

I'd encourage you to start with conscious awareness and intention to:
1. be present; return to the present moment by moment. Observe colors, feelings, everything around you.
2. Do not 'try to' change how you feel / react to #1, the healing benefit is being aware without judgment or feeling you need to 'do anything' -
3. Start a gratitude list / journal. Find 1-2-3 or 5-10 "what you feel gratitude about" - even it if is hard to come up with anything. Once you get your mind around this concept, you will start to automatically 'look' for these things (positive qualities, or 'things' around that shift your feelings to neutral-positive.) If nothing comes to mind, look at a color of something, buy yourself a flower or two. Get a manicure.
4. We must train our selves to shift our 'patterns of behavior / thinking' - the more you do it, the easier it will work and become the new automatic behavior and response to what is.
5. Accept that life is both the yin and yang, the dark and the light. Be in both as you need to. Accept feelings (with curiosity). Do not push them away, even the anxiety. Be with it, with compassion, talk to it (this is Focusing; a skill I learned decades ago) * * * Gena

I have been caring for my mom over 21 years in her home. She has many health problems but she has some good days as well. Yesterday she had a wonderful day, happy and no discomfort. Enjoy the days that are good and try not to think about what is coming and do not dwell on the past it is over and done with. Easier said than done I know. Today my mother is sick to her stomach and has been in bed all day. I know exactly how you are feeling. One day good and the next another problem. I try not to get discouraged although that can be difficult at times. I hope the next day will be a better one. I learned over the years to take a day at a time, enjoy today, rely on my faith and live in the moment. I could drive myself crazy if I worried every minute with my moms health problems and believe me it is easy to do. I was afraid of losing her many times and I would actually get nauseous, sad, but I learned it is about her not me. The stress of it all can make one unhealthy. I learned to say no to everyone else. I am the one everyone relies on, family, my cousin and so on. I finally put my foot down and now it is less stressful and I have more energy to take care of my mother. I pray, walk, sit in the backyard for a few minutes, listen to classical music, have a cup pf tea, and sometimes just sit silently thinking of the good memories I share with my mother. I know my mother is 98 and I love her dearly and I hate to lose her, but she has so many struggles and it is so sad to watch. I sometimes cry myself to sleep. I do not want her to suffer and when God takes her home I will welcome it for I know she will no longer be suffering and will finally be at peace like she should be. I am not looking forward to that day for I will lose my very best and dearest friend. I hope I will be strong like the good caregivers on this forum and rely on the Lord for comfort. Prayers sent to you and your mother.

I feel for you Janine. I lost both my parents last year (they both lived with me and my husband)My mom to COVID(11 weeks in the hospital) and my Dad to heart issues. It was really hard over the years to see them decline. My mom was my best friend. I was thankful she (neither one) had to go in a home, but at the same time, I hated her being in a hospital and we couldn't even visit. Anyways, prayer has definitely helped to keep me out of the looney bin and I have one really good friend (besides my husband) that I can talk to and understands-which has helped tremendously. Also, the verse "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God; and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:6-7

I think most of us caregivers call relate to feeling anxiety. There is so much uncertainty and stress with caregiving that.... anxiety is almost an automatic reaction.

Here are a few things that have helped me manage my anxiety more:

1. PAUSE & BREATHE to calm the brain to be less reactive. I have made early mistakes by being too quick to react because I couldn't sit with the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. I am getting more comfortable with the not knowing. Taking time to pause and remembering "I can handle hard things".

2. TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT "WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL" so you can take small steps to feel less overwhelmed about it. For me, taking well thought out action helps to calm down my anxiety vs. keeping it rolling around in my head.

3. Simple concept but hard to adopt....RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of what you can not change. My mother has Alzheimer's Disease. It's been a perpetual process of loss and having to accept very tough things. By accepting "what is", I have been able to reduce my suffering. Like I said, easier said than done. I am a work in progress, but it definitely has gotten better with time.

So many great suggestions here on this forum. Good for you coming here to ask for help. Be gentle with yourself.

Like Susanonlyone I feel responsible for my dad's happiness. I feel anxious because I know he never thought he would live this long (95) & and end up living in MC. IO feel so bad for him. He does not participate in activities; can't see or hear well at all, but he is close by & I visit him twice a week. I want him to have a better quality of life but there's not much anyone can do. Some of this is guilt, but I know I haven't done anything wrong. I know RATIONALLY that there's nothing I can do about aging, but EMOTIONALLY I guess I think there is. My anxiety also stems from trying to come up with a plan of action for every contingency: if X happens, then this is what I'll do. If Y happens, this is what I'll do. Consequently, I work myself into a frenzy which is exhausting & helps no one.

My brother & husband are very reassuring and helpful, as are the posts on this forum. Without all of these resources, things would be a LOT worse so thanks!

hi there! I am an only child as well and I had my mom come live with me but avoiding the nursing home didn't really change much about my need to try and fix the situation. She has now passed at 93 and is in a peaceful place. Many things were not in my control and old age is not easy, so many things went wrong but overall there is the hope that mom knew I loved her and tried to help. I wish I could go back to worry less and enjoy her more. I truly believe that your mother wouldn't want you to stress even if she expresses her own dismay. Teepa Snow's video called the Gems (different stages of aging and dementia) really helped me. It's free on youtube.