Long story short, my husband moved in with his parents for what was to be a short physical rehab period as we agreed it wasn't safe for him to be alone in our two-story home while I was at work. Things went downhill for his Dad and he passed away leaving his Mom alone. She's never paid bills, doesn't drive, has hearing loss (which means she doesn't use the phone because she can't hear it) and has shown signs of cognitive decline. She also has a communication gap as she doesn't speak fluidly in English. She has really isolated herself from the outside world due to that gap.
My husband and I have talked and talked AND TALKED about this situation. He tells me he wants to come home and how much he misses our life together. But there are no actions behind his words. I believe it's time for his mom to have some in-home care if she is going to age in place, or it's time to consider a senior living facility so he can come home. He wants to continue living at her house while he "settles his Dad's affairs," which has no end in sight. He won't consider talking to an elder law/probate attorney to help with the situation (he doesn't have POA and his Mom doesn't have a will or trust, either). He won't consider moving her into a facility or getting her in-home care because he doesn't see her frailty. He tries to rationalize her irrational behavior as one of her "cute quirks."
When I first shared my story, many of you suggested giving him an ultimatum and divorcing him. I understand, but that's not me. I think I just want to walk away and start my life over. Is that a horrible thing to say or do?
I just don't see an end to this with things as they are. I feel like I've given so much of myself to my husband and his parents (I was taking care of their bills, grocery shopping and cooking dinner nearly every night at their house after working full time until my husband's dad passed). And now I'm just supposed to sit alone on a proverbial shelf until he decides his marriage is important again?
I ache inside. It feels like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. Every day I get up and go to work with a fake smile plastered on my face to hide my pain. Maybe it's the upcoming holidays, but the pain is just too much for me to go on like this. I feel deserted. I feel hurt. I feel like my husband has ALWAYS put his mom ahead of me and this situation has shed light on the elephant in the room. I know I can't change him...so what's left but to leave?
Oh...and couple's counseling? Not really a possibility. He doesn't want to share anything with anyone.
"When I first shared my story, many of you suggested giving him an ultimatum and divorcing him. I understand, but that's not me. I think I just want to walk away and start my life over. Is that a horrible thing to say or do?"
So you seem to be saying that it is just "not you" to get a divorce or to give an ultimatum, but that you "want to walk away and start life over".
I don't understand?
So you want to walk away, but not get divorced?
Because if this is the case I absolutely suggest an elder law attorney to work out a legal separation.
ALSO, why walk away?
Hubby is gone. Just stay in your home.
Stop participating and enabling.
Think about getting a job or otherwise getting busy.
Plan an escape and a new life. Write a blog or memoir. Get friends and have great times.
Your hubby is at his parents home now. His mother's, that is. And he is telling you flat out that he is staying. And YOU meanwhile are saying divorce is off the table.
Well OK. Hubby won't change his mind, so time to stop beating a dead dog with a stick.
And you say you don't want a divorce.
So, you know, pretend you are a widow and just get on with it. Take dancing lessons. Go to a quilting class. Join a book club. Volunteer. Do whatever you want. Consider yourself FREE.
Meanwhile, be careful. In case of an impending divorce in future when you have decided "Guess what? I don't even MISS him at all", consider a part time job, saving, keep finances separate or doing a division of some joint accounts so you have a sort of cushion to hit if this all goes South fast.
You say you always knew who hubby is.
Well, he is proving you right. And there is something to be said for the stick-to-it-ness of such a man.
Live your life.
Stop fretting this. Most of all stop participating in this as unpaid help.
I honestly guess I am of a bit of an independent mind. I so loved it when partner went off on a brief trip by himself. Occasionally I would get an entire month off when we had a place in the country with one of us there and one here. Now both old and dottering we are always together. I feel a bit envious.
You understand I am kidding you, sort of.
But try to find a way to see the light side of this.
I'd rethink your options here and find yourself a good divorce attorney who can get you everything that's coming to you. That isn't "mean" or "spiteful" either. It's what a wife does when her husband leaves her no other choice. Because if he really wanted to come back home, he would. It's easy enough to arrange care for mother. And to get his father's "affairs" in order, let's face it. And the marriage counseling ship sailed long ago, I'm afraid.
Look out for YOURSELF now, okay? Because nobody else is. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, along with my condolences that your husband is a coward.
Your life has been on hold while all of this has been going on, and you've been a good sport, shown patience and understanding, and in general been supportive of everything that your husband and his family have thrown at you.
His actions tell me that he has settled in at his mom's, that "settling dad's affairs" is nothing but an excuse not to come home, and that he doesn't intend to resume being a husband anytime soon, if at all.
You have my utmost sympathy for what you've had to endure. You also have my total support for ending what isn't much of a marriage.
You need to do what's best for YOU.
Divorce isn't a bad thing. It might be an ending, but it's also a beginning. I wish you the best of luck in moving on if that's your choice.
PS It took me five years to settle my dad's estate. It was complicated and took most of my attention. There were lawsuits, a trust, angry heirs, property issues and legal snafus. At no point during that time did "settling dad's affairs" present any reason to move in with mom or not to live with a spouse. I mean, c'mon. Just sayin'. He's playing you.
Whatever his reasons to remain, if he is remaining.. then the OP is a free woman. May as well start her next phase of life right now.
I understand that you don’t want to divorce, but I think you need to put some flesh on “I just want to walk away and start my life over”. That’s hard to do, particularly if you count out some of the obvious options. Do you want to walk away from your house? You have a job, so perhaps you can afford to rent, but is that such a good idea? Do you want to sell the house? That’s really hard to do without going down the divorce path. Do you want to stay in the house, but change the locks and inform your husband that he is no longer welcome? You need legal advice to make that stick, as he is quite entitled to break in. However it might be one way to get him to call around!
Is there any current support that you are providing that you could stop? That can be a way to bring things to a head. Can you clean out any joint bank accounts? That’s another loud noise that can change things. Can you send your wedding ring back in the post? And tell him where to put it? Insert into MIL, perhaps.
Perhaps the most obvious thing is to go around to see your DH and your MIL TOGETHER and make a very very big scene. Certainly threaten divorce, including forcing the sale of your house. It is quite possible that MIL has NO idea about the true situation, and that DH has been telling her that you are fully in support of all this. Your ultimatum is that either DH moves back home and MIL goes into care, or you are going ahead with divorce. No-one will make you carry through on the threat, but you certainly need to lay it on the line to BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER.
Yours, Margaret
Wins the internet laugh medal of the day! 🤣🤣 Beautiful.
What YOU need to do is talk to an attorney to make sure that YOU are protected.
YOU have rights to the house that you are in, so does your husband.
YOU have rights to assets that have accumulated during your marriage.
Before you make any decision talk to an attorney.
Once you know what is ahead then you can make the plans you need to make.
Please go and front DH and MIL together. I’m absolutely on the level in saying that MIL may have been lied to that you are OK with all of this. Guys who do caregiving when their wives disagree, usually don’t tell the truth, because it’s difficult. And it upsets their stance of being the boss in charge of their marriage. MIL needs to know the truth, before you turn your own life on its head. It's possible that MIL may be gloating that she ‘has her son back’, but she may NOT be happy to find out that it will lead to divorce and the sale of ‘his’ house. Even if it just leads to her abusing you, it might make your DH less comfortable with the whole deal.
Does he work, or are you also supporting his mom's household and him.? You need a lawyer to protect yourself from him coming after YOU for spousal support. He's abandoned you; filing first puts you in a better position.
YOU need to go to counseling. For about taking the damaged goods with you.
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