Is my mother playing me for a fool?
In her day...She was witty, clever, intelligent , she was beautiful......she was a housewife....She was narcissistic.....She did her job only by providing us with food .....A roast , some canned vegetables and a potato…I suppose it could’ve been worse. I grew up not knowing fresh vegetables and I didn’t know cakes DIDNT come out of a box....but we did eat.
Our world revolved around mother first. Her emotions ...her well-being
..absolutely everything was mother first . If mother was OK we were OK ..... if mother was in one of your moods ... we get a silent treatment , a smack with a spoon, she was miserable, she was mean, she was selfish, she was sarcastic ....but the world never saw that....
We did, my brother and I.....we got to see it and live it. ( my father must’ve had the gift of tuning her out ..he would come home every night after work ...take a nap on the sofa ... and Yell at us if mother said we did something wrong. .....Yes...we had to call her “mother”.)
Fast forward.....My father died 13 years ago I’ve been caring for my mother ever since ....playing my father’s role… Taking her to the store, taking her shopping and filling the void, being her friend...catering to her at the expense of my well being.
Now, at 93...she is in excellent health.....she has some early dementia, an ache here or there....yet for the past two years I’ve heard nothing but ranting ,raving ,screaming ,an occasional thank you ..... She doesn’t appreciate the health she has ....she literally can’t stand to see people with walkers .....she’ll say why do they need those things, they are just lazy, she’s forgetting everything ,she doesn’t trust me. Finally I’m in therapy... I’ve basically given up. I’m exhausted, I’m depleted. I don’t think I have emotions anymore. I feel all used up and she knows how to pull it out of me .....I have gotten so many calls of threatened suicide ...ending it all .....what’s the purpose of living , she says.......I might not be here tomorrow etc.. ......I’ve been scared and now I’m numb.
I admire my brother for escaping early in life ....after he told them he was gay .....that was pretty much the end....The former glory guy ....Mr. brilliant big brother.......became a non-being.
How pitiful for a mother to cast off a child... pitiful ...disgusting.....Yet I remained a dutiful daughter...Thinking over the years that I can get them back together ....I can be the catalyst for a nice family relationship.....OH....and did I tell you I have never ,ever ,ever , EVER heard the words “I love you come “ out of her mouth ?.....and neither has my brother.
So, she has been in independent living , on and off....for 13 years .
..Now, with Covid...my day consists of eight early morning emails complaining of everything fromhealth issues to maintenance issues....A call or two of day threatening of suicide....listening to a litany of why she no longer needs to be here...she’s taking up space ...she’s good for nothing...on and on and on and on.....
well, I am tired of constantly giving .....she does occasionally say thank you...And I resent the fact that I’m doing all of this and she’s never loved us or she’s never told us ...it really really gets me angry.
Anyway I’m in therapy on.... this forum has really helped me a lot… Reading your experiences has really helped me realize that other people have problems too...
covid has actually been a blessing since I can’t go visit her in the independent living ....so while it’s a horrible awful disease ....it has been helpful to me because I can’t go visit my mother and I rather like that.
I’ve given you just a glimpse of my experience but right now I’m resentful ,I’m worn out, I have no emotions left ...and disgusted. When she calls me breathless now saying she’s near death. I’m ignoring it, which scares me, but I know tomorrow she’ll be fine ...it’s just too much ...too much..
Thanks for reading my sob story and my ramblings.....comments?
strength and love 2 u all
You are being endlessly manipulated. This has got to stop. You need a plan of action.
Stop responding for a week. She is in a place where there is staff to take care of her needs.
See if your mental health improves. I will bet that it does.
If it does, you need to find a new normal. How about once a week contact?
If she threatens suicide, you call 911 immediately and tell her that help is on the way.
If she asks for something too difficult for you, you say "no, I can't possibly do that".
If she declares you a bad daughter, sigh and say "yes, I suppose I am. You'll just have to find a better one, won't you?"
Do you have a memory care facility picked out for when she outgrows IL?
Her IL is in the same big building as AL and memory care...so she shifts over to a new area....Actually...just got off the phone with them,,,AL may be coming next week, thank you!
Stepping back as mom transitions may be just the thing. Many elders do better when they are forced to use staff to solve problems, especially when getting accommodated to a new facility.
Let the staff know about your plan to step back. Make sure they have your phone number in case of hospitalization.
If Mom cannot afford an AL, then you may need to place her in LTC using Medicaid to pay for it. Here you can really back off since LTCs supply everything needed but clothing.
Don't try to get brother and Mom together. He was able to break away. Don't take Mom into ur home. Her saying she will commit suicide needs to be told to her doctor. There are meds that may help. This desease will worsen and she will need to be placed somewhere for her safety.
( I call it an extended vacation) then see her1 or 2 days a week at the most. She only runs your life if you let her. Be strong and don't back down. Good luck!