I've been a single mom for a long time. I have a teen going to college, and a fiance who recently moved in. Now dad moved in too. Advice?
I live in a small home. I'm a single mom who was married for many years to someone who was not interested in home life, and had anger issues. We divorced and when it was over I was finally at peace, as was my child.
Finally we were free of this terrible gloomy cloud and constant anger.
After a few years it was time for me to find someone new, and I did. I invited him to move in. He's sweet and kind and we love each other. And he is so caring and respectful of my child always considering her feelings.
My hope was that he and my child would get to know each other and grow close. But we needed some time to spend together, just the 3 of us. But a month after my fiance moved in -- dad also moved in.
Because he could no longer live with a family member and didn't want to be alone. This was the natural choice. And he asked if he could stay a few months, which we knew meant forever. He is very active. Very friendly. And while my ONLY requirement was to find something to do. Fast forward, it's been almost 9 months and he hasn't. At first he wanted to go with me EVERYWHERE, because that's what we did when he visited - but I can't do that all the time, I need space, and privacy. I feel like his resistance to live independently is detrimental to him, and all of us. I've told him it's unhealthy. Many, many times. He doesn't see it that way. He feels that this is normal to move in with a child, and there is nothing wrong here. I think it's just an old school mentality. I never want him to feel unwelcome, or unloved. But it is taking a toll on me, very much. I'm supposed to start a new chapter, I have a new man in my life - and there is no privacy. Not to mention I had to have about 100 talks with him to stop making rude comments about him. And the comments, seemed more about him being upset to not be in the spotlight more than anything.
I am not comfortable in my own home, and I work too darn hard for this to be the case. I am very strong, but this situation has me feeling so deflated and upset. I feel hopeless, and sad for all of us. And scared that each relationship in this house is taking a toll. I know I sound juvenile, but this situation is not healthy or fair to any of us, especially me. I already went through hell with my previous marriage and I just want to be able to start a new chapter. I don't know what to do. Honest talks don't help. Total freak outs just make me look crazy, which I am getting there. This man has NO interest in being his own person and having his own life. I see his and my relationship getting worse and worse. My fiance and I have no privacy so that's a terrible start to our life. My fiance and child's bonding process was disrupted.
We all love him, but I feel like this is a toxic situation. Please please please, any suggestions would be so appreciated. I am losing my mind. I am afraid that I'll be losing my relationships. I am losing my focus. I feel like I'm about to lose everything. I feel total burnout - and I am the breadwinner - that can't happen. Please any suggestions would be appreciated.
I do think that he could find his own new accommodation, but if you do feel Obligation you can help him along. Perhaps make an appointment to see an AL for lunch, take him out ‘shopping’ with you and go to the AL. Next time it’s a real shopping trip, so he never refuses to go. That puts some new information into a situation that has become repeat repeat repeat. Be clear that he is moving out, and this is one of the options. Keep up the good work with the screaming, and don’t worry if the wails eventually start!
Do this for the sake of your relationship with him, which will recover when this all stops. Otherwise you will lose your love for him and your feeling that he has been ‘a wonderful father’.
I have so much FOG it's truly unbearable. See, my father has always been a wonderful father. So I feel like I am letting him down when he needs me. And I do think emotionally, he needs someone, but it should be a wife, or a GF. Or friends. To fill his loneliness. He's not necessarily wailing poor me, he just has old world thinking that this is the right way. I've had to have a number of full on screaming sessions, which I am embarrassed to admit, but its true. I've lost it unfortunately. I think maybe we are making some progress, but surely if I stop screaming, it will all revert. And now I believe I am causing him to fall into depression, so the OG is amplified by 100000X's. I hate this situation.
Perhaps you are being too ‘nice’. Next time he has a dig at your fella, throw a major hissy fit and tell him to shut up and get out. Your fella could usefully call him a stupid old git. Three flare ups in a week might finally get the message across that the party’s over.
If you have followed up on the ‘nice’ suggestions so far, and nothing has worked, you need to step back and look clear-eyed at your father’s behavior. It isn’t loving, it’s self-centered and it belittles you and your life. Get him out, and when he has made his own life, your love may come back again.
You haven’t replied to the comments about your fella perhaps also being a user – probably because it’s none of our business. But you might put off the wedding for a while and think about the situation when father is no longer the major problem.
Good luck!
Regarding the fiance, he's now husband - yes we did a quick elope. And that was done intentionally to address some of this, to ensure everyone knows their place. To make sure the fiance was not viewed as disposable or temporary so the digs would be rendered to have no effect.
Hubby does work. In our relationship there are important things that can't be addressed in our current situation and it has caused a great deal of strain. But I am the breadwinner, it's true. I made a good living -which this overall situation compromises, honestly, because I lost my clear mind. It makes me feel depressed that there is no a clear answer where everyone is happy. I don't want to hurt my father. And I am already hurting him by suggesting he's causing problems.
I'm scared that it's a matter of time, my marriage will fall apart b/c it's already suffering from not having privacy. My fella is who I've chosen. He's not a user. But he doesn't have the same earning capacity as I do. I'm in an executive position, and so grateful for that. Many men are intimidated by that. Unfortunately. But there is only so much I want to get into on a public post, so I'll just say lack of privacy has been detrimental.
The idea that I am viewed as a surrogate wife, I agree with you - and I can't stand it. Why why why why could this be? The jealousy, I resent it to the point it makes me fume. I've expressed that a number of times.
But my love it there, I don't stop loving, which is why I have terrible guilt. It's ruining my life right now.
Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.
Tell your Dad the "few months" needs to come to an end because this living situation isn't working for you. Explain that you will be looking into alternatives. Since Dad likes to do everything with you, you both can visit assisted living places together. Hopefully making this very important choice step by step together will ease the transition mentally, emotionally and physically - for both of you!
If not an option, and you don't have the backbone to get him to move out, you need to set some clear boundaries.
He needs to get some hobbies, friends, and interests that don't include you pronto. You can make lists with him. Get him to do it, not you. If you do it he won't care or be less interested.
Tell him the snide comments will stop immediately. This is your house and you make the rules. Your dad will have to get used to not being number one. You are number 1. It's your house.
How about send him to go get groceries. He can help the household. Send him to Walmart, or pick up dinner etc. Have him go get veggies at the farmers market if he can.
How about a date night where you & bf can go out if you can. He's not invited. You can bring him something back, but you have your relationship and he will live if he's alone.
Have a family night. Everyone contribute something, dinner, desert, the movie/game. Instead of resenting him, have a fun day or eve so it takes the stress off and you get to connect in a positive way instead of negative .
AND a night he goes out somewhere to give you some privacy. If he can with the coff and is able. Even if it's the day time or afternoon.
If he was active tell him he will use it or loose it, if he doesn't get moving. Then discuss a gym, swimming, joining a group on meetup.com. or a group on the internet, (I joined one and loved it) and chatted with people all over the world. Or have him call a friend. Set up a time you want privacy. He can have a nice chat checking in with a friend/family member. Tell him you need a peaceful house. And you will have it.
Maybe you and your bf can get an occasional hotel and get away too? Or take daughter and her friends out to dinner and get to know them if that's still an option where you live.
I used to see a big group of seniors who used to meet at McDonald's for brunch and catching up.
if there is none, get on craigslist, next door and get a group going from one of his interests. Did he do time in the military? Likes cars? Bowling, golf? Good luck.
I love the idea of getting a hotel room w/ my man tho, that's very helpful. And taking my daughter out, yes, for sure!
We have limited senior groups around here. So that's a big womp womp. And COVID makes EVERYTHING worse!!! Double wammy.
thank you.
1. Reminding him that the move in was temporary.
2. You have started a new chapter in your life that is important for your happiness & well being.
3. Discuss options for assisted living or his own apartment.
4. Tour some AL's with him, highlight the benefits: folks his own age, activities, etc. Get some brochures.
5. Set a deadline for getting his own place and STICK to it!
Find your voice and stand up for yourself, you deserve to enjoy your life on your terms.
Best wishes.
1) Why did his previous arrangement ( living with a different family member) break down? If they ran out of tolerance (or if that was part of it), ask them how it went. Then ask if one of those people could come with you to talk to Dad. You need reinforcements, particularly if part of Daddy’s ‘old school mentality‘, is that daughters /women do what they’re told. This is the least ‘official’ way to deal with things.
2) Arrange respite care for Daddy for a month. ‘Respite’ is for the caregiver, not for the person cared for. Facing the fact that you need respite, might make it clear that you are finding this all hard to cope with. Respite in a good AL (or SL) might show him that he could enjoy the company. And AL probably has links to a social worker who could put in a good word.
3) You haven’t mentioned money – what share of household expenses Dad is paying, and what funds he has for other options. He certainly should be paying a share of all outgoings including food, plus additional costs if there is no substantial mortgage in the outgoings. If you do the cooking, cleaning and washing, there’s a charge for that too. Don’t make this his cheapest option financially, as well as the company he prefers.
4) Dad is treating your house like a hotel. Find out the cost of a modest hotel’s full room and board, and that’s what he should pay. If it’s towards $1000 a week that he is faced with paying this, it changes the benefits of just sitting tight in your house.
5) If he still won’t go, like Grandma says, set a deadline. Yes, you can offer to help him find somewhere else, but don’t do all the legwork yourself. It’s his life, he needs to start being responsible for himself NOW.
6) If the deadline passes and he has still done nothing, pack up his things, leave them at the front door, and put a lock on his bedroom door. Or change the locks on the outside doors. Offer to drop him off at a hotel.
For any of these things to work, you have to get over wanting him to feel loved and wanted. He is NOT wanted in your house on the present terms. He IS loved, but he needs to act out loving you and your needs too. If you don’t toughen up a bit (a lot?), nothing will change – except that your new relationship will break down and you won’t “be able to start a new chapter”.
Best wishes, Margaret
employed? If not sounds like a reflection of her father with this guy.
30 plus years ago I went on a trip with my Dad and my 3 year old son. 7 weeks in a foreign country, where we did have some family.
5 weeks into the trip I had not had a moment to myself. We were visiting a cousin and she could see my stress. She told Dad we were going shopping. He said, "I will just get my shoes and coat." She told him in no uncertain terms he was not invited. My son was napping, so no trouble.
The last week of the trip we were visiting an elderly Aunt. We would go to her home every day in the afternoon for a visit. Challenging with a 3 year old child, bit I loved her. Two days before we were to leave, she told Dad that the next day I was coming by myself, he could watch my son. He was put out, but Aunt Mildred recognized that I needed a break.
Your Dad is acting like an entitled child. You need to put boundaries in place. One could be, Dad the next time you bad mouth my honey, you can pack your bags. I will not stand for this behaviour in my home.
You sound like a strong woman who wants her life back.
Women always bend their lives around everyone else and they come last.
He's your Dad, but he sounds in good enough health, that he could live in an assisted living, with activities and buses to day trips and lunches.
Include him in visiting places.
Don’t let him manipulate you, because you’re family.
Be well and congrats on your new love~
You are the one who wants to start a new life. You are the one who wants him to live on his own. Therefore, you are the one who needs to start finding senior living communities within his budget, narrow them down to 2 or 3 that will suit him, take him to tour them, and tell him he needs to pick one. Since he wants to go everywhere with you, you should have no trouble getting him to tour senior residences.
You need to tell your dad that he's already been there X amount of months, which is more than "a few", and it's time for him to start a new life for himself just as you are starting a new life for yourself with your daughter and fiance. You need to tell him that it's not up for discussion - you have made your decision about what's best for you - and he needs to respect your decision.
If this isn't what you want then you need to tell dad he has 30 days to find a place. No ifs and or buts. No discussion. This is how it has to be.
I had to do this with my uncle (my mom and my aunt were very close sisters, he and my aunt didn’t have children so me and my brothers filled that void for them) I should also say my parents, my aunt and my brothers are all deceased and I was their caregiver. I was working full time raising two sons and going through a divorce. It’s a miracle I still have a head on my shoulders!! And some days that is debatable. So, with my uncle (91 now), I waited until I was at my breaking point (not the best plan). I finally had to give him a date by which he was going to move out. It was rocky, very rocky, but he did get moved and he enjoys his new lifestyle. I visit him often and take care of his needs and it still makes me weary sometimes, but it’s better than his constant neediness and childish demands for my attention. He now understands that it was for the best; meaning he can only have me in his life if it works for both of us.
I am now seeing a therapist to sort through all the trauma and upheaval in my life in a relatively short period of time. I recommend counseling and looking into all resources available to you and your father. If your father is a vet contact your local veterans administration for resources and maybe an outlet for your father to get involved.
Wishing you relief and peace of mind.
Wow, so you cared for a lot of people and then your uncle... yes, that's a lot of work, a lot of stress - and a lot of great heart from you! Your story with the uncle is inspiring. It's so hard, but so necessary.
I have been seeing a therapist about this. He suggests the same, change the living situation.
I think saying No or saying Go to a parent is something well past our comfort zone 😬 well past how many people's family of origin trained us for. In fact, some have probably been actively trained to always obey (by being praised for being 'good' or 'unselfish' etc).
Personally I have benefited from an outsider's input and perspective (though counselling). With support I started learning to stand up for myself better.
It wasn't comfortable, but it is getting easier. I think the benefits include having more real relationships too. Being able to be yourself is worth it.
30 day notice. Buhbye
Yeah I can see how your live-in boyfriend and father can clash, especially you and your boyfriend are not married and have a child involved. I'm not trying to sound judgmental but as an outsider that is what I think or believe. Since you clearly do not want your father there, he is going to have to move out.
Solution plan:
(1) Find him accommodations first at a price range he can afford. Perhaps local community services can give you help find a place or has recommendations based on your father's affordability. Assisted living, senior living place, all have socialization to meet new people. You can do this phase without his knowledge. This is the planning phase.
(2) Implementation: Tell your dad he has to move out. Be honest, and tell him you found a place he can afford and is great. Tell him he can visit anytime!
(3) Help him move.
I wish you luck
One of the boundaries should be to be civil and not rude to your fiance.
Give him a month to find new housing and be willing to help him. He needs to get his own life and not think your life is his life. He needs to find friends or acquaintances of his own. Maybe he can find an apartment in senior living, IL or AL depending on his needs.
Be prepared, he may take this badly and get mad but stand your ground as kindly as you can. Best of luck to your and your family.
Tell him what you said here. Sorry Dad you need to find a place of your own because I don't feel comfortable in my own home. With daughter going off to college its time for me. I want to work on my relationship with my BF. Can't do that when my Dad is around.