Let them stay or get them out?
My folks moved into our basement apartment after hating the IL facility they moved into. They were out of state before and I had limited contact with them. Now that they are here, it’s obvious they are in decline. They are unable to handle their meds, finances, appointments, and little things around the house. I am slowly having to take over things. My husband is very good with them and my sister (out of state) does what she can.
They can’t afford AL (a decent one) but there is a little house going up for sale in a few months that they could buy. We have figured they could buy the house and we hire they help that we can not provide. This home is 4 miles away from me. My parents are still able to drive for now. FYI: my father wants to move (he hates living in our 3 bedroom,2 bath walk-out basement), my mother refuses to move.
My husband feels if they move, we will just be going farther to do all the stuff we do now. He also is a caregiver at heart and enjoys going downstairs and talking with them. They think he is wonderful (🤦🏻♀️ hahaha).
My mother is a narcissist (which I never realized or admitted to myself), my dad has always been an SOB. They are not nice people, selfish, and demanding. I left home at 18 and never looked back. I do not enjoy their company.
My sister feels they should move. My husband thinks they should stay here. I am torn. I don’t like them, I have taken over finances, meds and other things as needed. I have them scheduled for the aging eval and hope to get an official dementia diagnosis for both of them. We are working with a senior attorney and getting all the different paperwork that is needed.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t mind helping them with stuff, but I am struggling with the little spiteful things my narcissistic mother says. She also is in denial of her mental decline and blames me for her issues. My father just sits in a chair and moans and groans all day. My opinion of quality of life and assisted suicide are changing (please forgive me Lord for these thoughts)
My options: Move them out, have my space, but my husband and I would be spending time over there.
Keep them here, hire help as needed but I still have to deal with “them”.
It would be easy if my husband wanted them to move. They would be gone. My husband feels I need to learn to deal with them and not get so upset (he is right about that). So add guilt to my issues hahaha.
Any suggestions, and please NO ONE GUILT ME! They are not nice people and I do not owe them a dime! I am in this position out of responsibility, not out of love for them. They ruined that years ago. Count your blessing if you have love for your parents. Some of us were/are not that fortunate.
No explanations needed. Both my mom and mil are narcs.
My mom lives close to my house. I set up caregivers. It works, but I still have to help with things. It doesn’t end. Not all issues can be given to caregivers to resolve.
Think about YOU. What solution works for YOU. The mental consequence of dealing with narcs daily is HUGE. Your mom is nice to your husband BECAUSE HE’S A MAN. Tell your husband that.
Your parents don’t get to decide if they remain living in YOUR home or not . Your parents may not be happy with the arrangements but as my wise friend told me .
“ They get what they need , not what they want .”
Meaning figuring out the way that this will work for you as well as your parents get the care that they need.
That could look like help coming in and you don’t go downstairs that much .
Or your parents move out and have help coming in.
Or your parents move to a facility . Do not use your own money to support them. I realize though that you said they can’t afford a decent AL. At some point down the road Medicaid can pay for care in a nursing home if needed . I’m glad you are consulting an elder care attorney .
IF they move out why would they buy a house? Too much upkeep. An apartment would be better , where the landlord keeps up with maintenance and repairs, and no yard to mow .
Option 1 was the folks move out, but you provide their assistance.
Option 2 was the folks stay & they hire help.
Hang on.. what about
OPTION 3 The folks move out AND hire help?
OP, think about what’s best for YOU. Your narc parents are nice to your husband, fine. But they’re NOT nice to you: YOU’RE the one who’ll suffer.
OP, you might suffer for years.
:(
If it were me, I would let them stay and hire help as needed. Since they are unpleasant, simply limit your time spent with them in the basement and hopefully they do not come up into your living space. Obviously, as they decline to a certain point, assisted-living or memory care will then be necessary. As long as everyone has their own space, it should work OK.
It is certainly different when the elderly person lives in your personal space and makes messes, spreads their possessions all over your living room, dominates the TV, etc.
I think it would be easier to manage them if they are living in the basement versus having to travel to their house daily.
So your folks are showing you quite clearly they now need *Assisted Living*? But AL 'hotels' cost $$$$.
Get that aging eval to see just what is needed. Start there.
- What tasks are they Indepenant?
- What tasks Needs Assistance?
- What tasks Needs Others To Do.
This will give the shape of things.
Downsizing - to something smaller to free up funds for care... in some shape or form may well be needed. This task will be their next big life adjustement.
Your task, is up to you...
BE the assistance part of their assisted living? Point them towards services to help them?
Or be a support & interested bystander (or even not).
First I must say that you are NOT responsible for your parents in any way, whether you love them or not. Your only responsibilities should be yourself, your husband and your children(if applicable).
You should not be spending one penny of your money on them or their care. That is on them. And if money is an issue then they need to apply for Medicaid.
You are now in a position where you must do what is best for you and your mental health, and to me getting them out of your house is the first step.
However, I don't believe that moving them into a house is the smartest of ideas, as there will come a time(sooner than later)when the upkeep will just be too much for them. What then? Are you ready to then take care of 2 households?
Your parents really need to be in an assisted living facility, where help from the staff will be available to them if needed. And if they can't afford a "nice" one, oh well, it's better than being under your roof.
Please get your priorities in order. Your parents should not be anywhere near the top of that list. It's a shame that you don't yet see that.
I hope and pray that in time you will learn to put yourself and your immediate family first, and let the chips fall where they may with your parents.
Tell hubby that he doesn't get to make decisions about them living in your home bc he doesn't share your history w them, nor does he get treated in the same manner. He's a MAN after all. Sheesh. He may love doting on them now, we'll see what happens when they're playing with their feces laden Depends at 3 am down the road. No joke.
Your parents hated IL and now dad hates living in your home. Would Buckingham palace be too small for his tastes as well, as it would've been for my mother? Some people love misery so much they meet it half way.
Best of luck with all of this.
When they start needing so much help they cannot live alone, they go into an AL or a NH, regardless of whether it's nice or not. Should have saved better if they didn't want to end up in a "not so nice" facility... again, not your problem. It sounds like that's exactly what they deserve.
Old people like that work in complaining like Picasso worked in oils or Michaelangelo worked in fresco. They'll complain no matter where they are, so best keep them as far away as possible. You're final paragraph says it all.
Their care needs will soon be overwhelming and they will require 24/7 care.
At that point the care costs will be ENORMOUS. And no family member should be paying for it. If you think your own kids will pay for YOUR care when you have no saved funds in your old age you are more than likely wrong.
You took these folks into your home.
Now that home is theirs as well and they are tenants under the law. Short of eviction you cannot get rid of them.
To expect seniors to buy a home at this age is not realistic. If they have those kinds of funds to buy a home outright then those funds should be used for a Board and Care home where they have a room of their own and a small community atmosphere. Or a nursing home which will accept Medicaid when their own funds run out.
Whether they live in your basement or down the street, your hubby is right in that you are sacrificing your life to them now running around. Trust me that this is going to get so much worse.
I wish you good luck in your tough decision.
If you are already having to prep their meds, handle their finances, make appts, etc, they are not living independently. Consider assisted living. Memory care may not be far away.
If your mother is a narc and blames you for all her problems (as mine did) you may find yourself her sole caregiver because, in her broken brain, you caused her to age, decline, etc., so she may hold you responsible for “fixing” everything you caused. My mother tried to block anyone who wasn’t me from doing anything for her. Even her grandkids couldn’t help. Blocked hired PSWs from entering and tried to fire them. In their absence she yelled at me for hiring them. She was certain I should be available to her 24/7. Nobody else was necessary.
With a 2nd house, you will likely find yourself expected to maintain it and the property.
And my husband was wonderful too, until he stood up for me and didn’t fulfill my mother’s unreasonable demands. Now he’s considered almost as evil as I am.
Please for their own safety and the safety and lives of every person on the road, take their keys away.
You say they didn't care for the IL facility they were living at. Help find them another one.
Here's the plain and honest truth. If they cannot afford a high-end IL or AL, they can't go to one.
Get them out of your house now because it's only going to get worse. Find them a senior community they can afford then place them.
Your house or buying them a house should not even be considered.
Who will do the maintenance? Plumbing? Unclog the toilets?
Folks with dementia generally get to where they can't be left alone around cooking appliances or running water. Who is going to be there to super big ise?
Have you looked into what private aides cost? $20 an hour at least?
I trust your elder law attorney is well versed in Medicaid. Your parents funds should be used to get them into the best possible Assisted Living Facility that will take Medicaid after a period of private pay.
Evict them if you must. Caregiving is hard enough when you love the person and have loads of good memories. Caregiving for someone who is nasty to you and who was NEVER kind is a total soul suck. Don't fall into that.
I couldn't agree more. My mother's abusive neediness and being her caregiver almost drove me to an act of desperation.
It ruined my life and it's been a long and slow road recovering from it.
Buying a house is the worst possible idea for reasons others have mentioned. There's no hiring help "as needed" at this point. It's needed all the time. You'll need around-the-clock care. At least three aides. Who will clean the house, maintain the house, and deal with it when they hate the house as much as they did the last place they were in?
Your husband is wrong. You do not have to accommodate them. Snarky MIL for whom you're knocking yourself out already is not something you signed up for on your wedding day or any time since. It will get worse. You'll feel like a stranger in your own home, if you don't already. Slowly they are taking over your home life, your marriage, your free time, and your thoughts.
Please don't ask forgiveness of God for the thoughts you're having. Thoughts are naturally arising out of the situation that others have put you in, so let thoughts go where they go and be kind to yourself.
One option you didn't mention, so perhaps you haven't thought of it yet. Tell husband in no uncertain terms that YOU are an equal partner in the marriage and HE needs to recognize that. And he needs to put you first. And if he wants to find out what it's going to be like without you, you're going on a two-months' vacation to visit people that you actually like, and if in-laws are still there when you get back, you'll be leaving for good. He has diminished you to the role of his parents' servant.
Yes, it is that serious.
The ONLY reason I think it is a good idea, if there are only these two choices, is that it is a step out of your house and perhaps a step closer to a permanent home. Win/win.
Usually each move will bring some decline. And it will all have to be done again until they are in a NH or pass. Since they don’t seem eligible for NH at this point, it is kind of you to try to find them suitable housing.
The testing you have set up is not until October. You have had them since March. Do you plan to wait until Oct to move them?
If you need help knowing the level of care they need, contact a Social Worker, Area Agency on Aging in your county, or consult an ADL list on your own and determine how many of their ADLs they are deficient in. I’ve attached a link to help you. There are many online. It seems that you are performing their IADLS for them now except that your dad is still driving.
The $2,000 they pay you won’t go very far in their care expenses. You have to document/protect the flow of their assets to keep them eligible for Medicaid when/if it is needed. You don’t give their ages so hard to know how many years they might be expected to need care.
Bear in mind, not going forward on the legal work can backfire. They can reach a point where they are no longer competent to assign a DPOA. This will make your life harder.
It’s not advised to wait until you need it. That’s generally too late. EDIT; I see you now working with an attorney. Great.
There is no fresher hell than caring for someone in your home that you don’t like. Even when you adore them, it is life changing and takes a long while to recover.
You remind us that they are your parents. sometimes because it is our child or our parent we think we are doing them a giant favor when the truth is they may be better off with caregivers who can relate to them as people with no more baggage than the next person.
You have a good example of that with your DH. It doesn’t bother him as much as it does you.
Annie51 most of us have cared for loved ones, some not first hand, but we read posts daily of others in various stages of where we have been, still are or recovering from. We see the struggle and know the pain, conflict and how much it takes to recover. Forgive us for not sugar coating the reality of the situation as we see it. We are volunteers, giving of ourselves to our mostly sister caregivers. Each situation is different. We do all learn from one another, even the ones we don’t always agree with.
http://www-tc.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/caregiver/pdf/cfyp_adl_checklist.pdf
https://www.newlifestyles.com/blog/adls-iadls-what-are-they-how-do-you-measure-them-why-might-storytelling-help-those-who-are-adl-deficient
How are they going to be able to manage in a house? Not to mention dealing with the upkeep of a home. I don’t see this working out very well.
You don’t want to help them. I don’t blame you one bit considering that they aren’t very appreciative or kind to you.
Why should your husband say that you should continue to have them in your home? It isn’t only ‘his’ house. It’s just as much ‘your’ house. Married people share a home, right?Your husband shouldn’t be telling you how to feel about your parents living in your home.
If money isn’t plentiful, then they can look into Medicaid. In my area, Medicaid doesn’t pay for assisted living, it only pays for a nursing home. So, you will have to research what is available in your area.
If they have to go into a facility that isn’t up to their standards, so be it.
Paying for private caregivers is expensive. I suppose you could compare the costs of them living in a senior apartment with hired help vs being in a facility and choose according to their needs and finances.
55+ apartments have shuttle buses that take residents to the grocery, pharmacy and doctors. They won’t have to rely on you for rides.
Best wishes to you.
Get them into assisted living. I found it is more difficult placing couples in many of these in the NYC area. Not many apartments for couples. There are waiting lists. I didn’t go down the assisted living road with mine but that is what I learned.
The stress from the emotional abuse is enough to tear you down bit by bit. I don't have any compassion for these narcissists. If they didn't act like parents to their children when they were younger, they shouldn't expect kids to rally around them when they are older. I had a father like this. I never hear from his wife now since he passed away almost ten years ago.