Mom lives alone, is 90, doesn't walk well so uses a walker (most of the time.)
She's fallen a few times. Has medical alert, the wristband, which worked well until about 6 months ago when she fell & passed out, so didn't press the button.
So we got the medical alert upgrade, the pendant, to NOTICE when she falls.
Well she's accidentally triggered it 4 or 5 times. She has the medical alert box in her bedroom, plus a phone w/answering machine in the bedroom and another phone in the living room.
When it goes off and they call her through the box or phone, she usually doesn't answer. Says she doesn't hear it. Doesn't want to check her voice messages, though she will respond if she hears one of my sisters hollering at her through the speaker.
My sisters and I think it's a combination of things - her hearing is getting worse, she doesn't move very fast, and she just doesn't care anymore.
Both of my sisters live within 10 minutes of her (I live a couple of hours away), but we're hoping there are better options. My husband was thinking of something like a two-way radio; but even if that's a good idea, I don't know if she could learn how to use it, or WOULD.
We hate to move her out of her home just because she won't answer the phone, but we're kind of at our wit's end. There are other signs too, that she doesn't care or doesn't remember. Will wet her bed, then just hang the wet pad and wet nightgown up to try - doesn't care that they're dirty. She used to eat cereal in the morning, and now she doesn't. We think it's too much work for her to go back & forth to get the milk, get the cereal, get the bowl, etc using her walker.
Anyway - any suggestions?
Thank you SOOO much.
She needs care 24/7, whether that comes from her children or she's moved into Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living depending on her level of cognitive impairment. Please address this matter before a life threatening crisis occurs and it's too late to save her life.
She needs to be in full-time care.
About a device, you could get her a smartwatch. My Apple Watch has a feature that registers a hard fall. It then makes sure I’m okay. It can notify 911 if I’m not. However, your mom probably wouldn’t be able to understand or use it. She might not realize that she must faithfully charge it and then put it on correctly. And it isn’t infallible. There are times when it hasn’t responded to a hard fall at all.
Good luck with getting mom the help she needs.
Your mother sounds too far gone to know how to reach out for help. It’s dangerous for her to remain at home alone. She needs to be cared for in a facility.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Is Mom eating & drinking ok?
Taking any medications properly?
Staying hygienic?
I suppose think about the type of risks, the frequency of risky behaviour & the consequences when things go wrong - from the mild to severe.
Balance that with the want (hers & family) to stay where she is, at home.
Know that some families will choose home even with all risks, other families cannot abide any risks & would step in for the take over.
Family Meeting time. What's right for YOUR family?
She does eat, though she seems to be eating less meat (deli meat) than she used to. She grazes all day, eating fruit, popcorn, cheese sticks & Boost, mostly. She doesn't cook. (BTW she also has tremors in her hands, which makes it hard for her to do things - like she used to crochet, but can't anymore.)
My sister took her to a Breakfast Club for seniors last week, which she liked, and she's going again today - will see how that goes.
We do have conversations with her, and most of the time she seems fine - but definitely not as she was, and it's getting worse.
We have done some research on assisting living facilities nearby, and visited one, but sounds as if we need to step it up. No idea if there would be a waiting list to get into one we like.
Again, thank you.
When she fell - and it was almost always at night - she could push the pendant, the Life Alert people would contact her through that "squawk box" and she could tell them she needed me. They would call my cell phone, and off I would go upstairs to see what she needed.
For quite some time, it worked very well. Until it didn't.
Towards the end, when she went into hospice, she set off the alert without even realizing it a number of times. And when the LA people would try to call to her through the box, she didn't hear them. And there was nothing wrong with my mom's hearing. She was just off in her own little world, not paying attention to things around her. I suspect by that time, she was having TIA's on a fairly regular basis, which further complicated things.
One of the last times she fell right before she passed, she completely forgot about the life alert, and even if she had remembered it, it was underneath her and she had no way of being able to reach it. Fortunately, this fall happened in the daytime, and I heard her calling for help. She was flat on her back in the middle of her living room, with no recollection of how or why she fell.
My point here is that a Life Alert system, while having its positive benefits, is not the end-all, be-all to "safe senior living" that the commercials would lead you to believe. Towards the end, as my mom was falling more and more and becoming less and less engaged with the world around her, hospice told us to seriously consider finding a nighttime aide to stay with her, and I had started that process when mom began to transition. Once that happened, there was no sense in continuing, because we stayed with her 24/7 until she passed 4 days later.
I'm glad you are going to see her at Thanksgiving and discuss this with your siblings and with mom. You can feel free to share my mom's story with her or them, if you think it will help make the argument that mom now needs a higher level of care than only having a simple medical alert system can provide.
Good luck!
Do you think not washing urine soaked sheets and nighties is okay?
Is she washing her hands?
Could she get out in a fire? Or would she "not care"?
It's not that she doesn't care. It's that her brain has stopped processing the steps she needs to do, in what order to accomplish tasks.
She needs either full time in home care supervision or to be in a facility. Finances usually dictate that choice.
Good luck!
Afterwards, said she was worn out but would be willing to go back.
TODAY - Mom had no problem going in, had enough energy to to not even slow down with her walker.
Enjoyed visiting. Was excited to have turkey for lunch. Decided to stay for bingo (didn't mind at all if my sister left her there for a couple of hours) and won a prize.
One of the ladies there commented that mom was probably the oldest person there that day, but also the sharpest!
She was animated and talking in the car on the way home too.
I'm so glad she had a good day; at least for now we'll take her there more often.
There are many activities in senior centers that provide seniors with socialization.
Not eating cereal or meals , another red flag . My mother lived on cookies at home before putting her in AL . She couldn’t even manage to make a sandwich anymore let alone reheat meals that I made for her . She was throwing out my meals , I found them when I emptied the trash . Your Mom either needs 24/7 home care or to be placed in a facility . She should not be living alone . I hope someone has POA.
In a home of any size the danger of falls, fires, scalding in hot water, a 100 other things increase. At 90, and to my mind, it is time to consider care options. Sadly.
Only your family can make the decisions on this, and it is for us to wish you great good luck. I hope you will update us what you decide after considering all options.
You can view on your phone. I am sure that your siblings can be linked in as well.
I have recently found out that if you have "Alexa" you can "drop in" on someone that also has Alexa. This might be a way for you to communicate, she does not have to answer the phone just talk.
You say you do not want to move her out of the house "just because she won't answer the phone" but it is much more than that.
She is falling,
She does not hear well
She does not always use a walker.
She may not be eating properly
Her hygiene is not as it should be
What other ADL's might she be having trouble with.
This is more than ...she won't answer the phone.
Mom had a fall pendant for years. She was about 80% compliant in using it, but uf it smacked against her walker (frequently) it would go off. Luckily her hearing was fine and she could communicate with the dispatcher.
The day she died, no one was home. She got up, and fell back down on the bed. That alarm went off and notified YB who was at church. He ran back home and found her. Better than one of the 'kids' wandering in and finding her, gone.
My MIL has thrown away every single alert pendant, watch, button, whatever. She sets them off by smacking them on the wall or counter top, is almost 100% deaf and cannot hear the 'squawk box'--so more than once, my Dh and his YS have shown up same time as the EMT's. They're preparing to break a window to get in b/c she doesn't come to the door--and when one of the kids unlocks the door, she is inevitably shocked to see all these people there.
Embarassed, she threw away THAT pendant and everything they've given her since. Her pride will truly go before the fall.
End of story? You CANNOT make someone wear their fall pendant. Period.
I'm sorry to say, but that, and the fact she is undisturbed by the wet clothing--she's probably ready for in home help or a move to a NH.
Prayers
1) She should not be living alone now. Period.
2) Sisters, living 10 m away take turns to stay overnight,
along with
3) getting overnight care providers.
This is a/nother accident waiting to happen.
Gena / Touch Matters
I also used three Zmodo cameras: living room, kitchen and dining room. Their window and door sensors are an excellent investment in addition. Inexpensive and relatively easy to setup bluetooth.
Best wishes. Every bit of effort you invest will have a positive effect. Never a 100% solution, but any effort and planning now will buy you a little time and eventually you will look back and know that you tried your best and that care was invaluable.
Have you asked her if she’s aware of these things? We also have found that scheduled check ins can be shared with family members and the list of questions and time always the same. Protocols for what to do depending on response from mom could be shared as well.
casually mention it. Tour places close to you
Other professionals that may help you all include Elder Law Attorney who can help navigate the many considerations, needs, requirements of caring for aging family.