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She doesn't respond to my Hello's or Goodbye's. When I talk she ignores me and/or when I mention details about moms meds or doctor appts she continues to text on phone while im talking to her. Instead of asking her to put it down I just say I'll wait till your done. My mother says she likes her and I desperatly need the help but I dont feel comfortable being in my home when she is here! I found out yesterday my mom didn't take her meds..I asked the Caregiver why she didn't tell me and she said she documented it in the agency notes. Which is good but I need to be updated as her primary caregiver. Just wondering if someone else has had this problem. Where the Caregiver is friendly with the client but not the family? And how did you deal with it? Thanks!


Also I'm hardly here..so I don't lord over her or text/call. Or leave notes..None of that behaviour that would make her resent me. I'm just friendly and caring.

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Call the Agency right away and tell them your concerns. Give them a chance to address it.
My experience is it won’t get better.
I know it’s hard to do when your mom likes her but the arrangement has to work for all three of you.
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Oh irony of ironies - !

I'm sorry, I cackled with laughter when I first read your post. "What we call progress is merely the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance" - I think it was Walt Whitman who said that. In your case, you've exchanged one serious problem (vanishing caregivers, not seen for dust) for another serious problem (a stayer, but not one anyone would especially want in her home).

Talk to the agency. Start by saying you are impressed at how well this lady has developed a working relationship with a challenging client, and you are keen to support her.

Then ask if they have heard from other families that she is rather withdrawn, socially: it may be that she's incredibly good at her job *because* she likes the clients but doesn't get on well with people generally - a bit like animal lovers who can't stand humans. That's okay, you can work round it.

Finally, the communication issue - you need to be copied in to the agency notes, they should be able to do that very easily; and in the home use a journal for any information you need the caregiver to know.

I sympathise with how perplexing it is when you are a normally friendly, caring person and you get this kind of response. Impossible not to wonder what you're doing wrong! What did I say?! Am I invisible?! But - maybe she's just jolly rude, or lacks the necessary brain wiring, who knows. I've met a clinical psychologist or two who's been like this, and the occasional nurse, and many a doctors' receptionist of course...

Anyway, I'm pretty sure it's her and not you. Is it possible that your mother considers this the caregiver's most attractive quality?
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Kristilynn Jul 2019
Thank You for your advice. She is new to this agency and my mother is her only client. My mom said she likes her because she is strong and helpful and doesn't ask for anything. But has to ask her questions all the time to get any information out so maybe she is just socially withdrawn. Now that I remember actually when we first met I remember her telling me she had two car crashes..the one recently she had a concussion/coma. Hmmm. Maybe this has something to do with her quiet reserve? Anyway Im HAPPY to have a "stayer" after most left in tears and arguments! Will just be myself and have the agency keep me informed. Thanx!!
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If your Mom has been through 30 then 31 may not be a horrid problem. I am a bit confused by your saying "in my own home" and then saying you are seldom there. Is that because you work and the caregiver cares for her while you are working? I would say that a brief meeting with her AND the agency will help. Start with saying that your mother likes this aid and that thrills you, as she has liked so few. BUT........Say that it is crucial she spend 10 minutes with you WITHOUT her cell phone, so that you can explain the needs to be met for that day, and that it is crucial that she make a list of medications that were or were not taken, and there may be several other things. I would then use that 10 minutes with all professionalism, no light chitchat, and a really professional relationship, and then get on with the day and leave the caregiver and Mom to their time together. It seems to me that Mom is more the problem here with that caregiver situation, and it may be time to tell her that the caregiver is actually YOUR CAREHELPER, without whom you could never begin to continue to have her in your home. It may be necessary going in to let caregivers know Mom's history. If dementia is figuring in all this that is about all you can do, but if the truth is that Mom is simply not very nice to people nor was ever so, then Mom may need to know that further disruptive behavior with caregivers would result in her necessary placement in care.
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If I was paying a CG and they were on their phone while I was talking to them, then I would have to wonder what the heck they were doing while they were with Mom. Totally disrespectful. I would take the advice above and call the agency. This is teenager behavior and not professional at all.
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Kristilynn Jul 2019
Yes I feel its very disrespectful and her whole attitude towards me is dismissive. But my mom says she likes her! And three weeks is the longest any caregiver has stayed with my mom. So i don't want to rock the boat.
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Kristilynn, my Dad needed to have 3 shifts of caregivers each day, and they also would write notes in a notebook, too, so each shift would know what each caregiver did.

There were 2 caregivers that were regularly scheduled that Dad had for over a year. Dad enjoyed their company. Both had different ways of caregiving. One would always give me a hug, best hugs ever, and would chat with me about Dad. The other was a bit stand-offish but she and Dad got along great, and that was very important to me. Otherwise Dad would tell me if so & so wasn't a good match.

I learned to just stand back and let the caregivers do their job, since this was my first rodeo, I had a lot to learn. My case was different as Dad was under his own roof, and I was under mine. I would pop in once in awhile just to introduce myself and chat briefly with Dad. I didn't want to interrupt the routine.
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Kristilynn Jul 2019
Thank You. That's what I am doing now. Just hanging back. I really need the help but my mom who is wheelchairbound has been diagnosed with Dementia as well. For example yesterday while i was walking the dog, two neighborhood girls told me they helped my mom in her lift and then with opening the frontdoor because she couldn't get inside.
She didn't tell me this. I am concerned that my mom is forgetting to tell me things that might be concerning. I did call the agency and they said they would have the caregiver text me an update at end of shift. I do like the suggestion of filling out a daily record with notes. Thank You.
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Time for a new aide! Been through many myself. The good ones are are hard to find. But because they work so indendently with out supervision they think they can get away with everything. I ended up having to change agencies a couple of times this last one I finally got has taken care of any issues with the aides.
Unless there a CNA they tell me there not allowed to give medication how old is your mom?
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Kristilynn Jul 2019
My mom is 69. I dont want to lose her because alot of the agencies wont work with my mom anymore..even the last nursing home wont take her again for respite and the girls sometimes leave in tears because of my mother's sassy mean behaviour. If I lose this girl i won't have anyone and then Ill end up doing 24 hr care again but her disrespectful attitude does concern me.
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I’d buy video cameras for the home. Walmart has them and if she won’t listen....those agencies aren’t much help either. CALL THE CASE WORKER AT DSS!!! That will get ther attention, the agency don’t like when you call the case workers.
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