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My mom is 70 years old. She currently has end-stage chirrosis due to fatty liver. My wife and I sold our house two years ago after my father passed away, to move in with her. At the time, we knew of her disease, but showed no signs. The move was solely to help her with depression.
About six months after moving in, her health took a turn. Now my wife and I have become her caretakers. We struggle because she's just so damn unappreciative of our efforts. She is always in a bad mood, and now is showing signs of awful mood swings, and quite frankly, going nuts due to the ammonia building up inside of her.
She's being evaluated for a transplant candidacy, but does nothing to help herself. She eats like crap still, doesn't do anything to change her patterns. I have resigned to not offering to be a living donor. She doesn't want to make the changes, and I am not going through that amount of pain for her to no follow the aftercare regimen.
Also, we'd love to move out. I'm starting to hate her. Genuinely hate her. My wife and are always staying away from the house because she's so toxic. And seeing her suddenly go into a good mood when my brothers offer bare minimum help is a slap in the face. I feel awful for saying it, but I'm ready for her to pass away. That shell of a human is not my mom. She passed away with my dad. And I am worried by the time she does pass away, the wedge between my wife and I will be larger from the stress.
I've tried talking to her about her mood towards us, but she just continues to be a self-sabotaging, and emotional drain on me. I want to help her with her meds and doctor stuff, but I want to stop at the same time as I feel she is annoyed with us all the time.
Has anyone experienced similar? If so, how do you cope?

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Moving in with her probably wasn’t the best decision for you and your wife but there you are. Can she be placed in assisted living or nursing home care? If not maybe you should consider moving out and setting up home health care. Be very proactive about your marriage. That should come before your mother.
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Reply to RLWG54
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I think your mom needs to go into a facility, so you can work on your marriage, Im so sorry, caregiving can really be damaging to a relationship. It's so hard to let go of what is going on to keep your thoughts and feelings in the relationship.

I am not sure your finances, I would sell moms home to cover the cost of a facility for her, and then you and your wife figure out a place for you to live, go on an amazing vacation and let go of mom problems for a time being.

As for your mom, liver deaseas really effect a persons personality. Let her eat what she wants, she isn't going to be her forever. It does not sound like there is any reason to fight moms neglectful behavior at this point.

I truly do not blame you for not being a donner, but with that being said, let go of your anger over mom not taking care of herself. We all do damaging things to are bodies that we shouldn't do, and honestly I don't believe it should be judged.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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You ask "how do you cope?" and the simple answer is move out, start putting your wife and marriage first so you can get your marriage back on track and give mom the option of either full-time in-home help on her dime, or she can move into an assisted living facility again on her dime.
This situation is toxic for all involved and needs to end now, but only you and your wife can make the necessary changes to improve things, and I believe that you know deep down in your heart that that means moving out and moving on without your mom.
Now that doesn't mean that you still can't be her advocate if you so choose, but other than that I would stay as far away from her as possible.
Your mom can hire any help she may need if she chooses to stay in her home with full-time help, as far as someone taking her to the doctor and such, and she can have her medications delivered.
So make a plan today, so that you can have a better tomorrow.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Well, your feelings are normal if we can judge by the number of people who wish for the end, and for peace for the person they love, or loved in "another lifetime". I myself, with the best parents in the world, stood witness to their losses well into the 90s, and felt little other than relief that they had no longer to face more losses, nor did I have to stand witness to them.

I am afraid that you have painted yourself into a bit of a corner here in selling your own home and moving in with her. But if you have saved money in cost of mortgage payments and rental, and if you had any equity at all in your home, you may be in decent shape to move.

I would explain to your mother that living together is not working for you and your wife, and that you will be leaving. Let her know that the time she can live alone in her own home is likely very limited and that you will help her arrange to move into care.

I would never have made the move you did for ANY reason. I was an RN and if that taught me nothing else it DID teach me I would not ever be able to do 24/7 care for anyone, no matter the love I had for that person.

Time to be honest. Come to what you will say first with your wife, and then sit down and explain it. Don't expect acceptance. She will rage and she will mourn; if the end of our life in illness and loss isn't worth rage and mourning then nothing is.

I doubt that ultimately your mother will be able to do transplant. We have members here whose spouses did it and it takes a village in one family to see it through and great dedication and perserverance to say nothing of great courage on the part of the person opting for this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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The good news is, you CANNOT be a "living donor" for a cirrhosis patient who needs a liver transplant. Only a deceased donor can donate their entire liver. A portion won't do the job.

I know this because my husband needed a liver transplant and all of his children were willing to donate a portion of their liver. But a portion isn't what's needed with cirrhosis.

Get mom placed in managed care now so you can move on with your own life instead of dealing with moms issues any longer.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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At this point does Mom even qualify for a transplant? What you need to do is just let her do what she wants. She is in the end stage. My neighbor was on the transplant list and at 75 was taken off and died a year later. Pretty sure she did everything right.

Ask her doctor if he feels she is ready for Hospice, if done in the home you will be the main carers but will have an aide 2 or 3x a week for bathing. A nurse to check on her 1x a week. You have morphine for her pain. You can place her in a facility on her dime or Medicaid. I would get a DNR thru her doctor while she is lucid.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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She won’t qualify for a liver transplant so you can just get that idea out of your head.
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Reply to southernwave
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Anxietynacy Nov 11, 2024
I was thinking the same thing, for many reasons she won't, also doctors won't do it if there isn't a very good support system at home, for recovery.
(3)
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Move out, immediately.

There won’t be a transplant, and this WILL kill her, so you’re basically throwing away your life for a glorified corpse. She needs to be in a facility.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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You made a huge mistake moving in. Move out ASAP. If you stay in a one bedroom apartment for a while, so be it.

My mother, who is 81, has had liver disease for 20+ years. It’s now cirrhosis. Several years ago we were told a transplant was not feasible. No way will your mom have that option.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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For God's sake, move out and put her in a nursing home. It's very common for persons dependent on others for care and everything else to treat the ones who provide it like crap. That doesn't mean that the ones providing it have to take that behavior. They don't have to stick around either.

Go back to your life. Tell your mother her choice is a nursing home or a homeless shelter.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Just to reiterate because I know this, mom will never qualify for a liver transplant. 100% no. There are so many reasons why just in this post.

OP should have a talk with mom and see where she stands on dying (because she is dying) and what will happen when she doesn’t qualify for a liver transplant.

OP your mom is terminal. I assume you recognize that. Hospice is where she needs to be.

How much does she weigh?
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Reply to southernwave
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Anxietynacy Nov 11, 2024
I do seem to think, from what I have seen, that doctors talk a lot about transplants, to people, when the know very well that they will never get one. Maybe it's because they want to give them hope?
(1)
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Move out.
I would also suggest that she be evaluated by Hospice, with the Hospice Team she will have support and help with pain, discomfort.
If she can care for herself Hospice will not require a fulltime caregiver but when it gets to the point they think she is unsafe by herself then they will tell her she needs a caregiver. This could be a caregiver she hires or there is the possibility that AL or Skilled Nursing would be an option. But you and your wife do not have to put yourselves in the role of caregiver.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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End stage liver disease is a nasty one. There is not much anyone can do when a liver is this damaged.

Set up home care or get mom in a nursing home before you leave her home.

I agree with all the other posters here.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Just to reinforce what others are saying. Don't sacrifice your self and your marriage taking care of an ungrateful parent who refuses to help themselves.

Start making arrangements for others to care for your mother, and for you and your wife to move out and start rebuilding your lives.

Detach from your mother and any expectations of gratitude or a healthy relationship with her. Do what you have to to see she is cared for by others and also do what you have to to see your and your wife's needs are met. You both deserve better.
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Reply to golden23
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There is no way I would ever consider being a living donor for anyone who has already lived to be 70 years old. A transplant requires a whole support network and MONEY. And as others have said, she needs a whole liver. Plus it could really mess up your own health and then what is your wife going to do with a sick husband and a sick MIL?

I agree that you and your wife need to move out of your mother's house. I hope you and your wife saved your money from the sale of your home! It's a tough real estate market out there right now for both buyers and renters.

You need to figure out what your mother can afford and go from there.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Move out even if you have to get a small apartment.
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Reply to brandee
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I reread your post. Mom is not going to get a transplant. Is her stomach getting big? You already are seeing the toxicity problems. She is dying. Look up "Gray rock method" and see if you can use it in this situation. Let Mom eat what she wants. She is dying the time to eat right is gone. Maybe find an apt nearby. Put camera's in her home so you can check in on her.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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A major funding for transplants is Medicare. They will put an organ that could last 60 years or more into someone so he can live another 15 years. They will take people around this age who even need MORE THAN one organ. They can seriously have more issues than Newsweek and still can qualify.

Where they will discriminate is regarding the presence of family. If there isn’t any living with her, whatever chances she has craters.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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