My father suddenly refuses to communicate much with us after he moved in (or take care of his own business matters) anyone else relate?
I found out this summer, my much younger brother (31 yrs old) abused my 75 yr old father last November & gave him a concussion. He took control of things in Dad's home, even moved in filthy 450 lb girlfriend and her daughter. Dad & I weren't talking, as he was angry with me for telling a police officer the truth 5 yrs ago. I told the officer about my brother being violent with Dad as a teenager. I have a husband, 4 girls (ages 15 to 31) & live 3 hrs away. Dad asked me to serve papers to get them out. My husband & I got the freeloaders out in 1 day. Police were involved. So much drama. We helped clean the house, as there were 3 dogs and 2 cats (cats ruined everything pooping everywhere). Dad came to stay with us a couple weeks (we live where people vacation) to get away. Everything was fine except he was having major blood glucose lows due to Type 2 Diabetes. We got his insulin figured out & he went back home. He got a beeper to go around his neck in case of emergency. Fast forward to early November: pneumonia got him into the hospital & we have to get his dog while he is there. Before he comes to get her he says he may have to go into assisted living in a year due to his health. We said he could stay with us, he said he could add onto our home a space to have a living area (not an apartment) to have privacy, after his house sells. Next thing I know, he comes to get his dog & never left my home. He had 2 ambulance trips when he was only supposed to stay overnight. Of course, as a "good" daughter I said he cannot stay alone. 🙄 I found out he is broke, hadn't paid bills since August, spent $$$ on ebay for his duck collection (he is a hoarder). We went back to clean out the house, he had messed it all up again. He refuses to take care of his debts, I had to take over, he even bought a used Jeep & hasn't made 1 payment. The mortgage company was wanting to do a short sale on his home. I put limits on his dog, as we have a clean home & my husband had stage 3 asthma. We had to get rid of our dog due to dust mites being a trigger. Dad is angry his dog cannot sleep in bed with him or come in the living room. All he asks me daily is "what's for dinner?" My teenager is bunking with her sister until the addition is built. We own our home outright, we are financially strained already, as my husband has RA & cannot install flooring anymore and has applied for SSDI. So money is tight. Dad is upset we do not take him everywhere with us, mind you, we do sometimes, but we live where it's a 45 minute trip to run errands & Dad would always need to be taken out to eat if we take him, which we cannot afford. Dad got a new doctor, switched his meds, but doesn't trust his insulin anymore. He still takes it apparently. I have been paying for everything, am mentally & physically exhausted 😩 Suddenly dad cannot even take his cups to the sink. 🙄 My dad has a GM pension & has irresponsibly gotten himself into a mess where he owes his bank for overdrafts. He sits around & reads and complains what we watch on TV at night. His cell phone won't work where we live, so we installed a landline for him, but he complains he cannot get on the internet (on Ebay). We have limited data, as we live in the forest and he cannot afford a new phone or to pay for internet. I refuse to give him our wifi password, as he would use it up & not give a hoot that I need it to homeschool my daughters. He lives life as if he is wealthy & we are wealthy, like drinking a half gallon of milk for breakfast. It's unbelievable. I am trying to fix his finances & he is depressed he cannot spend. My brother is being charged for elder abuse now & my dad mopes around & says "I miss my son." It has affected my self esteem, as I am busting my butt to take good care of his needs and have a clean environment, but he misses his abusive son. My dad has depressed my entire household. When I try to talk to him or ask questions he stares into space.
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If you don't get dad out of your home, he'll ruin your lives entirely, which isn't fair to you or your DH or your children who you home school.......how can you possibly accomplish that with dad in the picture???? Why should your household be depressed b/c of dad?
"Giving your word" to your father means that you promised him he'd be CARED for; not that you'd sacrifice your life & your family's life at HIS altar! When dementia enters the picture, as it has here in my opinion, plans have to change. A 'good daughter' is one that advocates for her father while he's being cared for elsewhere, when his care becomes too burdensome for her to manage. That's the truth of the matter. There are many ways to 'care' for and to 'love' a parent, and leaving blood on your floor is not the 'only' way.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. You will see that you cannot 'change' or 'fix' your father in any way, and trying to do such a thing is an exercise in futility:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Best of luck taking your home back & giving your children & your husband their lives back.
Being a good Christain daughter does not mean you physically care for your Dad. Your responsibility is to make sure he is fed and cared for and if that means in an AL or LTC then so be it. You should never promise because you never know what life is going to throw at you. I know a lot of Christians who have placed a LO in a facility. I know a Minister who spent his final years in a LTC facility.
I don't think Dad has Dementia, I think he is lazy and taking advantage of your good heart. You cannot afford to have him living with you. Your family comes before you father. You have no idea where this RA is going to take your husband. Do you really want to be caring for 2 men?
At 75 I doubt ur going to change Dad. If you haven't already, I would get him to assign you POA. This is the only way you are going to be able to handle his money and make sure its Immediate. But the proceeds of the house need to be put away for his care. It should sell at Market value if Medicaid is ever needed.
This is your home, your rules. Your husband is the head of household. You father should feel blessed that he has a daughter who will allow him to live with her and her family. Sounds like he has a bedroom to himself, if so, he can read in his room with the door shut. He is the one who needs to adjust to how you live not the other way around. You treat him like you do your family. If the rule is u take you dish to the sink when done, then he is expected to do it too. He, cleans his room and strips the bed. Sure he is depressed because he can no longer spend his money the way he wishes. I would not give him the WiFi password either. He would be spending money he doesn't have. You need to have a heart to heart or your husband does about ur family finances. That you cannot afford to support him. I guess at this point what money he has ur using it to pay debts but you have a right to ask him to pay rent. You have a right to say, sorry Dad 1 glass of milk is enough. I need it for the kids too. He has to be made to realize, you life does not revolve around him. He is only a part of it. If he is capable of doing it, he needs to do it otherwise you are disabling him. My DH is 75 and has spent the afternoon putting up Christmas lights and now is running to the store. He can get himself breakfast, wash the bowl and put it in the drainer. He washes his own clothes. He can strip a bed, wash the sheets and put them back on the bed. He vacuums. Dries dishes for me. Diabetes is not an excuse to not do. Actually better to do.
For this to work, Dad has to change. Its not fair to think 4 people will change for him. What he is due as a father and a grandfather is respect but he also has to give it. He has to respect that this is your home and he is being allowed to live in it with you. He needs to respect that you and DH or girls want to spend time together. He has to respect that ur his adult daughter, not his slave.
Me, I had a father like this and I told my brothers I would not care for him if Mom went first. That would be their responsibility to where he goes. Because no way would I be waiting on him hand and foot like Mom did.
If wants to see his son, he can visit him at the AL facility, I wouldn't complicate this any further, step back.
You said that he visits his MD regularly, I wonder if he' been checked for a UTI. UTIs can cause serious mental & cognitive issues and be totally silent, as in, without any symptoms that would trigger a UA/UC by his Dr. I'd say that part of your caring for dad should be checking to see that his insulin and dietary intake are stable; a half gallon of milk for breakfast does not a good diabetic diet make.
The manner in which he descended on your family life and home is totally unreasonable and his behaviors are worsening. I note that throughout this thread, you tend to make excuses for his behaviors, even the ones that are flat out unacceptable. You know about co-dependency, but I have to wonder the extent to which you are applying these insights into your own acceptance of his actions. We slip into false roles as kids growing up in dysfunctional families and it's too easy to fall back into dysfunctional behavior patterns, regardless of our ages. Crises, like the one you're living brings this out even more. Try to be completely honest in evaluating your own co-dependent traits.
Only you and your family can determine the boundaries that are absolute and which ones he must adhere to in order to remain in your home. It all sounds terribly destructive and unfair to your kids, especially. If you continue to enable his walking all over your family life; you're not truly helping him, just allowing him to act like a small, recalcitrant child.
With an income of 3k monthly and the proceeds from the sale of his home, he could pay his own way in an AL facility or subsidized senior housing. His living this way in your home is simply unhealthy. Since he's hoarded, there may be some value in his collection that would benefit him also. He really needs to be evaluated for his overall health, cognition, depression, and his core addictions.
If you don't have POA and medical POA, you need to discuss this with him and make certain that all the legal papers are squared away while he's functional; that can change in a second and then it's a real mess to sort out. You and your DH, also your teen children, need to have a serious sit down with him and lay down the law on what is and is not allowed moving forward if the long term plan is to have him stay with you. You have to be a unified family front when you confront him with his worsening behaviors and I'd strongly urge you to brush up on co-dependency issues and your tendency to make excuses for and rescue him. He's an adult and if in his right mind, should be required to contribute to the household as an adult.
Frankly, I don't see where religious persuasion comes into any of this. One's religion is not an excuse for bad behavior nor a reason to tolerate it.
You have a lot of issues on your plate and I wish you and yours the best in working through them to save your family and keep it intact.
Give Dad two choices -- go into assisted living (entirely on his dime, not yours, or on Medicaid), or be evicted.
Good for you for not giving him the wifi password. He does not need to go online and waste more of his money.
If you haven't started the addition yet, I would seriously postpone/cancel it until you and dad able to come to terms about what is acceptable in YOUR house.
His expectations are much too high and totally unreasonable. He shouldn't even be asking you to do so much for him - never mind demanding it, etc.
So, your "family meeting" conversation should be tomorrow. Tonight, draw up an agenda to discuss the issues. Dog, money, bringing his cups to the sink, etc etc. Let him know that this is the way it is. No complaining, no whining, just acceptance. Tell him you realize it may be hard and not exactly what he wants but that his showing up with no notice that he did not plan to leave did not give any of you a chance to discuss these very important issues in advance. He needs to pitch in and do whatever he can in the house instead of being an unnecessary drain. As long as he is capable, he needs to pull his weight.
Can he still go back to his house? Is it on the market? Maybe he's be happier back there? But maybe he can't take care of himself?
Best of luck.
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