My husband and my sister in law are actively trying to make me a caregiver for my 88 years old father in law who just got out from a hospital. We have been married only for 6 months. Prior to this I didn’t get along with my father in law because I didn’t like his misogynistic attitude. I always had them over for dinner every Sunday I cook most of the time but when my husband helped me set the table he would tell him to let me do it because “it’s a wife’s job.” When I wore miniskirt during summer he made me feel very uncomfortable. Those are only a few examples. I don’t want him around.
I stay at home. But I am financially independent because my parents are relatively wealthy. I am 37 years old. We plan to have a baby very soon but I don’t think that is even possible because I don’t see taking care of a newborn and an elderly at the same time.
My husband feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law.
Anything I can do besides divorcing my husband? My husband talked with his dad about assisted living but it didn’t go well.
Thanks!
In my culture there is a lot pressure on women to the be the caregiver for elderly parents, but in the long run it can cause a lot of anger and resentment.
It's unfair of your husband and sister-in-law to ask you to be the caregiver. And especially since your father-in-law makes you uncomfortable. It's not right. There are other options and your husband and his sister will have to look at them.
Make them read the many threads here at Aging Care about the challenges of caregiving and help them see the truth.
And your husband "feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law."!? The only answer to that is" "I feel that you should want/willing to do this because he's your father."
You don't mention what issue your FIL has. Does he require care, part-time, full-time? No matter what, unless your FIL has mental issue that prevent him from figuring this out himself, it's his responsibility to figure it out.
If your FIL has issues where he needs help, the only I recommend is assisting your hubby and SIL to find a caregiver for him in his own home or apartment.
Stick to your guns to say no. And until this gets resolved, I encourage you not to get pregnant. Getting FIL's issue sorted out may take a lot of your time and energy. I hope it doesn't come to you moving out.
Facts:
1. You've only been married a short time but already your husband, SIL and Fil's actions and attitudes are problematic, and your FIL is displaying what I'd consider actively chauvinistic attitudes (a woman's job to set the table).
2. Your husband is already treating you in a condescending and dictatorial manner.
3. You're apparently expected to care for someone you dislike, another mysogynist?
At this point I would ask: is there anything about this family that you like? Are you seriously in love with your husband enough to tolerate his interfering family, who don't seem to respect you?
4. You have independent finances; have you ever considered (and I don't mean this in an insulting way) that you might have been married for your money, and/or for your caregiving ability?
5. If you had a child, tried to balance the care of a child who should be more important than an FIL, and eventually decided to divorce your husband, do his assets even approach the level of yours? Does he have a secure job? Would he fight you for custody?
I don't wish to be negative, but I could see being tricked into caring for FIL, then a baby arrives, friction continues in the family, a divorce initiated by your husband, and your ending up paying him child support if he ends up caring for his father full time and includes a plea for custody of the child in divorce papers.
At one point in my legal career I did divorce work, disliked it and haven't done it since, so I can't opine realistically on what different scenarios exist today. But I do recall that if one party's assets were greater than the others, that richer party could be ordered to pay financial assistance for the poorer party. Your husband could become poor very quickly if he quits work to care for his father.
I think the question you have to ask yourself is how much you really love your husband, especially given the lack of respect he's shown you.
I would also ask why you care, or think they would respect you given the treatment they've displayed?
Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, or crush your self esteem, but I see a real need for a frank assessment of what YOU will be getting out of this marriage and potential Cinderella situation.
Others who have been in a similar situation have been advised to take some time out, away from the family, and seriously analyze the situation, what it is, what you want it to be, and what you want to do in your life. If it doesn't include caring for your FIL, and your husband won't back off, you may have to make a big decision fairly quickly.
The details of our situations are different, but ... I did learn that their perceptions of 'the situation' would NEVER have changed. I know it's hard to hear, but you've got an extremely difficult decision to make: Either put your foot down now and FIRMLY that you'll not participate--unless the burden is equally share among you all (i.e., 4 ways). This, of course, will be scary and hard--you WILL incur their scorn and anger! I wish I'd been able to put my cowgirl boots/big girl panties on at the beginning. But at 66, I discovered that I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, because I did finally stand up to 'them', regardless of their reactions, anger, and gossip about me. I'm free now. This says everything about them and their ignorant pettiness, and it taught me that I know I am a good human, with a good heart, and a willingness to do the hard work when it's the right thing to do. Love, hug, and support. This shit ain't for sissies : )
The fact that your FIL and husband's discussion about assisted living didn't go well is not your problem. There is a point at which long-term assistance is necessary, and you are not qualified to do what he needs.
You don't owe your FIL care -- his children do. Remind them that it's their job to see to it that he's safe and cared for, but it is not your job to do those tasks. Remind your husband that a marriage is a partnership in which both sides must agree to major life decisions, and the one who does not agree prevails. I'd also suggest not having any children until you really see how your husband handles this challenge, because it will be exactly how he handles the challenges of child-rearing.
To be honest, I am surprised at 37 that you are not employed. Many financially independents work for great feeling of accomplishment, being around co-workers, and making money which can be put into a Trust or a Foundation to do good for the community. Even volunteer work is very rewarding.
I hope your monies are not co-mingled, otherwise if you find you need to hire caregivers, sounds like the bulk of the cost to care for Dad-in-law will come out of your pocket. My Dad had 3 full-time caregivers even though Dad was independent, he was a major fall risk, and he was a highly intelligent person but was perplex on how to make a sandwich or heat up soup as my late Mom always did that. The cost was $20k per month for caregivers [this cost varies from area to area].
Has the family considered senior living? My Dad eventually sold his house and moved to a senior apartment. He was happy as a clam, loved it there. He was around all these people who were closer to his age, thus new set of ears to hear all of his stories? His rent was $5k per month. Once he moved into Memory Care it was $7k per month. Well worth the cost as he and my Mom had a "rainy day" fund and it was storming out there !!
I’ve recently moved to a new city. Prior to this I had a demanding job. But at 37 I decided to focus on building a family. After we got married we had 2 rounds of IVF resulted in only one embryo. And I had a few surgeries to fix my infertility issues. I always knew about my infertility but at 37 I finally decided to fix it. I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before his dad got sick.
We keep separate finances, inheritance and future inheritance included.
My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind.
I am curious why you think that his wishes supercede mine? Perhaps we should have discussed these scenarios before we said I do, because quite frankly I am feeling very much like I don't. I don't want to care for YOUR dad. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not being willing to be his caregiver. I don't want to be in a relationship with a male that would let his sister dictate what I will or will not do and I don't want to have children with a male that would put anyone above me and our children.
Your dad is not moving in to our home and I truly hope that you can understand that and it doesn't end our marriage.
I love you but, I didn't marry your dad and I am not going to be put in the position of being his servant.
As hard as it would be to lose your new husband, it would be nothing compared to having a man that believes you are there to serve him living in your home until he dies.
Your new family is completely out of line and your new husband is being completely unfair, he should be telling his sister to step up and take care of their dad.
Best of luck, this is a rotten situation to find yourself in 6 months in to your marriage vows.
During your visit you might want to have a few discussions with your husband some of the things that maybe should have been talked about previously.
If your husband does not accept and respect your point of view I do not see much of a future.
It is not "My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind." getting him to change his mind. It is telling him loud and clearly that living with you is not an option, period.
And this is a discussion for your hubs and SIL to have with Dad.
You just need to make it very clear that you are not living under the same roof as FIL and you are not going to run yourself ragged providing any supports to him wherever he lives.
I am very sorry about your miscarriage just as all this set off. That makes it even harder for you. You need time to grieve your loss.
Both parents have found him much harder work than expected. He drives them round the bend. My daughter would never say it, but it wouldn’t surprise me if deep down she thinks that if they had their time again knowing what they know now, they would have not have tried so hard to have a baby. Being older hasn’t helped, both having careers that they valued doesn’t help – and that’s without being unfortunate enough to have a child with disabilities.
I also have a friend who decided to go it alone at about your age, and she had lots of trouble in the teenage years, which I hope doesn't happen with my grandson. However it was almost certainly easier for her alone than doing it with a difficult husband and unpleasant FIL.
You have my total sympathy for wanting a baby, and for your fertility problems. But please try not to make your happiness depend on it. The reality may not be as important as you think.
I had fertility issues. We adopted our first daughter.
I was 33. I was extremely happy to finally be a mother!
I gave birth to a daughter at 40 and I was thrilled to have another child.
I consider both of my daughters to be miracles!
There isn’t an ideal age to fall in love, marry or have children.
People can have wonderful experiences having children younger in life or older in life.
Or people can have rotten experiences younger or older in life.
It depends on individual circumstances more than age.
As far as disabilities go, that can happen in younger or older parents too.
Life has risks.
None of us can ever plan for a perfectly ideal life.
That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t go after our dreams.
Some people decide not to get married or have children and that’s fine too.
If the OP desires a child I sincerely hope that her dream will come true.
Some additional questions... where is fil now? What are his issues? What are his finances? (Can he afford a facility?)
It will never work out having fil live with you. And I'm concerned that your H's attitude towards women is much the same as fil's. Did he treat your mil that way, do you know? And did she put up with it? Because if she did, that was what your H saw, and what you will be expected to do.
Wishing you the best in a very challenging situation.
The idea that your husband and SIL are trying to put the care of THEIR dad on you is beyond selfish. THEY can put dad into a care facility.
I agree with Garden Artist's post that there are many areas of concern here. I'm glad your finances are separate, and I hope you are able to have a long heart to heart talk with somebody who truly loves you (your parents maybe?) as to if you should continue on in this marriage. The fact that your husband is EXPECTING you to do this is a huge concern imo. I would also tell that SIL to take a hike.
Please don't let them do this to you.
After a few "women's" work and "serve me" comments, a few meals got taken away and thrown in the trash. As for the inappropriate comments, throw one back. I have some if you need them. If it gets to inappropriate touching, a good slap in the face will work.
In my situation, standing up for yourself worked alot better with "dad" than mom.
As far as FIL is concerned. No one can make you do anything. If you husband moves Dad in, you either move out or get a job and be unavailable. Also don't put up with anything rude from FIL. Give it right back to him.
run, run, run!
hugs!
Yes. Run.
If I may say this doesn’t sound like a positive start to a marriage. Tread very carefully and keep your eyes open.
Your posting truly touches my heart.
I had fertility issues for years! I tried IVF three times. All failed.
I know first hand how devastating it is.
So I truly empathize with you and your husband.
I went through hell and back trying to conceive a child. Treatment is costly and time consuming.
It became necessary for me to stop working at my job due to numerous doctor appointments, lab work, IVF procedures, major corrective surgery, (endometriosis) etc.
For my own sanity I decided to get off of the emotional roller coaster and adopt a child.
After waiting for 18 months with the adoption agency we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl and were thrilled to be parents!
Several years later without the help of fertility doctors I got pregnant with our second child. She was a very welcome surprise!
Both of our daughters are miracles!
I sincerely hope that your dream of becoming a mom comes true.
You have received wonderful advice from each poster on this page. I agree with the advice offered.
There is no need for me to repeat the good advice that you have received.
So, I will leave you with these thoughts.
I wholeheartedly agree that your father in law is NOT your responsibility.
NEVER cave to an ultimatum!
NEVER let others decide what is best for you.
You are quite capable of making your own decisions.
Remember one word that is of the utmost importance regarding being caregiver to ‘dear old dad’ “NO!”
One last thing, I have walked in your shoes regarding infertility.
I never take for granted that our prayers were answered.
If you need a shoulder to lean on or someone to listen to your heartaches, I am here. I mean that.
My girls are grown, 32 and 24.
I am 65 years old now. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and my girls were not newborns when mom came to live with us.
I have to tell you that caregiving is hard work! I can’t imagine doing it with a newborn.
I was 33 when we brought our darling baby girl home from the adoption agency and 40 when I gave birth to my other precious daughter. So, don’t give up!
I volunteered for in my community and throughout neighboring states for many years.
I served on our local auxiliary board with the agency we adopted through.
I took extensive training courses to do outreach work and led workshops in high schools to speak about adoption.
I listened to a million people’s experiences about infertility and adoption.
I am personally connected to this topic. I lived it myself and came out on the other side.
I know how it feels to long for a child.
Wishing you all the best and hoping that all of your dreams come true in 2021!
It’s been a tough year for all of us and I sincerely hope that everyone has wonderful experiences in the upcoming New Year.
Why would you want to have a child with a man who clearly shares at least some of his father's attitudes? You are correct that you cannot raise a baby and be a caregiver to a (demanding) old man (who you don't even like) at the same time.
Since you have money, you have options. You've only been married for 6 months. That's a short enough time to end things, start afresh and live the life that you want for yourself.
This is a perfect example of why marriage is hard work.
I can't imagine anything more of a trial to a new marriage.
I don't know a lot of people who would think it was a great idea to move in with their kids 6 months into their marriage.
I'm assuming that, at 88, the move seems more permanent than not? Could he live at home and have aides in to help?
If you aren't seriously ready to divorce, then talk with your husband and meet with a marriage counselor to facilitate some two way communication, so that you can work through this difficult issue as a husband and wife team. It sounds like your husband may be feeling a bit trapped by his father as well. The counseling can offer both of you support in ways to handle his side of the family.
Best of luck,