My MIL with advanced ALZ was just given 2 weeks to live. Should we make the trip now?

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for your heartfelt responses. We made the trip and are with them now. Funny thing, MIL is doing a little better. A little fluid and antibiotics have plumped her up a little. She is being fed a little soft food like pudding. Hospice is still on board. They have been amazing!!! In the NH, we don't use Hospice as much because there is care and pain meds available, but they provide an awesome service that no one else provides. They helped my husband understand what he would not let me explain to him and have been a huge asset to my FIL. We postponed our trip. The condo owners were both so nice!! They refunded all of our money and wished us well. Now I am working on the airlines.
Thank you all again!!! You are all amazing people for helping out strangers in their time of need. I am going back and answering all of your posts individually.
Faith

Faith, are you with your MIL and that's why we haven't heard from you.

if you don't go and see her, and she passes then you will proberly regret that your husband was denied seeing her. and if you were in the same position,would you be happy knowing that your children considered money over family?you can always go on a vacation,but you can't never say that your sorry that you denied your husband the position of seeing his mother ,maybe for the last time. show the compassion for husband that he is entitled to.good luck on your choice.

A different point of view.

My grandmother had Chronic Leukemia, she had had it for many years. My mother and step dad were planning an extended trip to India. Although Granny was starting to fail, she told Mum to go on her trip. It had been planned for almost 18 months. About 1/2 way through Mum's trip Granny went into ICU, there was nothing more the doctors could do for her.

This was prior to the internet and email being widely available in Canada let alone in India. In the end, Mum's trip had to be cut short due to political uprisings in India and she arrived home the day before her mother died.

Mum's sister lived on the other side of the country. Aunt, decided that it was more important for her to be here for the funeral than see her mother who was completely unresponsive by this point.

Was Mum wrong for going on her trip? No, but it was incredibly hard for me, as the closest family member to, at age 26, sit beside my dying grandmother's bed without other support.

Was Aunt wrong to wait and come out for the funeral? No, Granny would not have known she was there, and my Aunt needed time to arrange time off work and travel.

As far as delaying funerals go, we do cremations and do not do viewings. When step dad died in November his funeral was 11 days later. It gave time for out of town family and friends to make travel arrangements. When Granny died all those years ago, the funeral was about 2 weeks later.

People can live different lengths of time, no matter what a doctor tells you. I know of someone who was given 4-5 months who was gone in 2 weeks, and another who should have died and held on for 3 weeks (no water, no feed) until her son was found and brought to her bedside.

Mum was told by the doctors on a Friday that step dad would not live until Christmas, he was dead the following Monday, November 26. I think he goal was his 84th birthday, he lived less than a week past it.

From what I've been seeing here, it appears the pattern is from about 3 to 5 days without food and water. The fact that these are patients who are already quite frail (as opposed to healthy young hikers who got stranded without food and water) would presumably tend to hasten the process somewhat (unless their metabolism is so slow it has the opposite effect!).

I would go to see her. When my mom stopped eating and swallowing water it was 4 days until she passed. As for the vacation, It depends on how short a time before you cancel...some places are non refundable, but you may be able to talk to someone that may adjust things for you. Tripadvisor bookings can be cancelled if you booked through them, I hear. After having to cancel 7 trips in the last 25 years...I always recommend buying some form of travel insurance in the future. For about $60 a person we have had whole cruises and flights refunded several times. They are especially cooperative if there is an illness or a death in the family. Maybe you could book the condo for a future date and take a smaller loss.

Faith343: You should go see your MIL. Your husband believes that "this came out of nowhere?" Please do not misconstrue my statement as being acrimonious. Certainly since you've been seeing them once yearly, he knew that Alzheimer's was going to claim his mother's life, though I certainly do understand that this is a horrid disease since I've had and have relatives and friends with the disease. I think you may have a lot of tomorrows regretting if you DIDN'T see his mom. Can you afford to eat the cost of the condo and refund some of the airline tickets? Even if you can't, perhaps you will want to cancel out the trip for the emotional wellbeing of both of you. You're absolutely right - you wouldn't have fun if you went on the vacation as you might be riddled with worry and guilt. Praying for you both. God bless.

Tip: If perchance you used your credit card for the condo fee and airline tickets, I suggest that you contact your credit card company, saying that you have a dire family emergency and perhaps they will be more willing to refund.

Make the trip now.
Ron

Go see your husband’s parents. You will need the vacation after MIL passes. Just lost my 93 yr old mama to dementia. Once, she isn’t swallowing, her time is limited. Be there for your FIL. Hospice staff are a special group of people. They will help your husband and FIL understand what is happening (you already know).

Ask your husband about the trip and don't cancel, reschedule. If you give them enough time to rebook you will not loose everything, you may also have to pay a rebooking fee but far better than loosing everything.

Get on this today.

I would just tell my husband that I know this has been a long journey and he needs to decide and I will back his decision no matter what it is, then leave it alone. He needs to process this is really the end.

Hugs to both of you, it is such a difficult journey.

it's a very hard choice to decide what to do.although . i feel that you'd not have any regrets if you'd decide to see her,but you might have guilty feelings if you don't. i have always put the familly and loved ones first, but that is my choice. all i can say is do what you feel is right.her husband will feel that you and your mate really care about his feelings too.it's your choice .and your in our prayers .

I will never forget the night the hospice nurse told me my father had two weeks to live. My mom was having a difficult time emotionally seeing my dad in the nursing home, but for some reason I told her that she HAD to go see him in the morning. I picked her up, drove her there. He passed within the hour.
There's no question about going sooner or later. I would at least have your husband go as soon as possible. She may go sooner like my dad did, or live a few weeks longer, you just never know.
Take care, I know these are tough decisions.

It’s hard to deal with death for some. Could it be he just does not want to deal with that? My mother refused to accept my stepfather was dying even though she had repeatedly been told it by doctors. He was 92, she said to the drs who were telling her he would not recover, she “ thought he had another good 10 years left”. ( moderate-severe ALZ pre infection, bladder infection led to end stage, death after she finally took him off life support)
After he went home , they had given him a week or so but died in less than 3 days . If she isn’t being fed , I doubt she’ll last 3 weeks.

In cases of Medical emergencies and family death plans are often refundable or rescheduled when requested with minimal charge or you can purchase travel insurance today.

Hi. I'm not sure about the relationship between his parents and if it might be affecting his decisions. If there is any bond there with either parent, he might regret not going at a later point. I'm with everyone on here who says that you might be able to get something back from the condo people. With your job, you know how quickly things could happen. Do what you need to do and I'm sorry about this hard time. Sending warmest thoughts.

My two cents is go now to see your MIL. You and your husband then won't have regret. I don't know the dates of your trip, or how much money may be lost but I assume you will get over that easier than not seeing your MIL at the end of her life. Your presence will also be a comfort to your FIL, even if you stay for only 1-2 days. This is only my thought, but there is no wrong answer. Make your decision, then don't second guess it.

Oh gosh, such a tough situation. You have such a handle on it...and can't control so much of it. You're right on so many parts, and it is probably, because no matter what, we are always regardless of age going to be kids, is your husband having some so understandable denial of the reality...or maybe fear of being there at the end. How long could you stay? Would it be better to gamble, wait a week, and then be there when she passes? Of course that is also an "if". But the MD believes it won't be long, hospice is getting involved. With their objective observations they could probably give you a more accurate heads-up if you didn't go until closer to the end. But you know the regret that may follow from not being there. I'm one of those who believes people can sense the presence of others even if non-communicative.
IF you act now, and let the condo owners know, maybe they had or could have others interested in taking your spot so you wouldn't lose the funds. Sometimes...there is compassion out there...and you have nothing to lose on pleading to that compassionate side. And actually the same with the airline. Telling them NOW, will free up the seats to be resold. I would try to go through a higher-up/executive office of the airline, and my mind is blanking out but there is a travel writer who has a blog or website and provides a link to the list of these people.
It's SO understandable and not selfish at all to be disappointed about this long awaited trip being cancelled...you never could have imagined this would be the moment as things were so stable in spite of it all. Elaborate and make your case. You'd be surprised at the number of people who have dealt with dementia in their lives. Of course there is scum out there who is not honest, so the airline might want some documentation from the MD or hospice, or potentially a death certificate. They may give you a credit for future travel, which you will truly need and be able to better enjoy in the future.
If possible, do not use your official vacation time to deal with these caregiving issues, because you will need the vacation:-)
There is such a thing, even if you make your own travel arrangements, as trip insurance...even just for condo renting and hotels and airfare. Sometimes a percentage of the costs involved. Some...you MUST read the fine print allow you to cancel for any reason, some for immediate family. Usually you have to buy it within a certain period of time after making reservations. These are independent companies, not necessarily the airline.

You are right of course about wanting to go to see MIL now as opposed to later which may not come. And right as well that she may not pass in the time frame anticipated.

The other possibility is that, assuming nothing is refundable, and that MIL does pass sooner rather than later as that seems inevitable, that you are not going to have to be worried and could still take the trip. That's a tough call...only you and your spouse will know. But I can tell you that at a time I was grieving and had prior plans just to go for a few days...I couldn't think or process very well...and others who were older and wiser gave me some encouragement to go telling me that a change of scenery was sometimes quite beneficial. It gave me a chance to not have to talk to anyone or account for myself; I could sleep or eat or not. I actually found myself in a bookstore where I found a book describing someone going through a similar grieving experience and it helped me through.

Let us know how it goes. Take care.

Do what you won't regret in the future.

Just go. When my father passed of luekemia he had a couple of weeks. One of my sisters didn't understand the concept of visiting now, not waiting. We finally convinced her to come now and enjoy the last of our dad. She is now glad she did. All of us kids where able to stay together and visit with him daily in the rehab center he was in. We brought in a dinner and they let us use the dining room privately, we brought pictures to go through and talk over, even cocktails! For me it was a happy time and I did not feel grief, just happy memories.

Sons and their mothers!
How would it be if you said, because you’ve experience of these things, that you’d go on your own and see how she is? And ask your partner what he’d like- would he like you to stay until MIL passes, and be the one to call him to let him know, or would he like you to come back home after a few days and wait for the hospital to call and let you know what’s happening? You both have different needs- can you see to your own needs and encourage him to voice his?
700 miles is a long way. How distant would you think was too far? Whatever happens, wrong or right decisions don’t have to stay with you forever- we all make mistakes and life doesn’t go smoothly for everyone all the time. Forgive yourselves for what you can’t do and save your energy for the things you can.
get your money back from the holiday, asap, then when the time is right, plan a beautiful trip to help yourselves heal.
wishing you peace.

Airlines are less "nice" when it comes to non refundable tickets and they will not waive fees if they do change.
I would imagine the condo owner will also charge a hefty fee to cancel. The exception might be if you got a great deal and this condo is highly sought after.
Not sure about travel insurance if you can buy it now this close to a trip and there may be a clause about "pre existing" conditions.

If you can both go visit Mom that would be great but he should go at least.
Will she have a large funeral or a small one? I delayed my Husbands funeral a few days so his son could get home.
If she does pass while you are on your vacation the funeral can be delayed until you get back.
A friend of mine arranged her funeral so that it was held several weeks after her death so that friends and family could get into town and not have to buy last minute tickets.

A long time friend and mentor of mine is dying and I have a vacation planned and I wrote to his wife that I was in a quandary about flying to see him now or wait and she told me to go on my vacation, enjoy it for them (they loved to travel). That is my plan, I do have a heavy heart but he would understand and life does go on.

I bet his Mom would say, as all Mom's would..."Go on your trip, don't worry about me. I'll be fine." (and I would add to that...I would rather see you while I was alive)

Once my dad was in the condition you describe, he passed away in 5 days.  The Dr at NH and Hospice care told us it would be about 4 - 5 days.   He had advanced dementia and was unresponsive, (did not eat or drink for a few days before becoming unresponsive, couldn't swallow anymore).   I stayed with him every day for those last days and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.   I'd go if I were you.  See what can be done about the trip, but in any event, I would go to be with her.  I miss my dad so much.      Good luck and hugs to you.

Faith, you are a nursing home nurse. You know the routine. Don't you often see requests from families for a doc's signature on a form to request ticket refund from airlines? Airlines are very lenient on these requests is my own personal experience. When stepdad passed two years ago, I canceled a non-refundable flight and drove since flight was a few days later. I had no trouble getting a refund with a small service fee. If you cancel they may let you reschedule for another time without charging any sort of fee. You know that even with a two week prognosis, that this can vary greatly.

Don't advise FIL to go for feeding tube. I am sure you are very well aware of the pain and discomfort this could cause MIL. You are an expert in elder care. Take ideas and advice that are relevant to your experience that you can use and leave the rest behind.

Thinking of you and your family.

Well *I* think that in retrospect your DH will be glad that he saw his mother before she passed away. I agree with you. And the sooner the better, to give him a chance to see her before the reflex end of life symptoms might kick in, which can be extremely upsetting for people who aren't prepared for them.

And surely your FIL would appreciate the moral support?

But, only your husband can decide what he wants to do. It may be, of course, that he decides he doesn't want to decide and would rather be completely passive. That is a sort of choice, too, and he's free to make it. We might not think it's likely to be the best one, but who are we to say what's right for him?

Perhaps you could ask him what he thinks would be best, and hope to prompt him to open up a bit that way?

You do not sound at all selfish to give practical thought to an expensive, and much anticipated, vacation. No insurance, I assume? I should get proactive about the arrangements, then, and see if you can get any wiggle room on it; if you really can't, then plan to go. The worst that can happen is that in the event neither of you thinks it a good idea and you lose the money. Well - dam'!!! But it's only money.

Oh screw the vaca you had planned. Play on the sympathy vote with proof if needed, I think most moral people would refund most of any deposits you have in place. Now is not the time for some happy little holiday as it won't BE HAPPY. You won't know about deposits till you ask and I think MOST* people would at least give you back 90%, in fact might want to say, hey keep 10% for the inconvenience. Then there is the back door route of STOP PAYMENTS if they are the cruel and greedy sort.

And I am sorry, I don't buy the BS the docs sell of 2 week. My dad got 2 mo, and with the right care and not telling him that, he lived a YEAR AND A HALF after that 2 mo expiration date. People with UTIs don't feel good, they don't want to eat. There is the feeding tube option. There is the IV fluid option. Person can go a long time without food but not fluids.

My advice would be, get your butts THERE. 700 miles away, well you have little control and really have no idea what is really going on and are depending on hearsay. I would think your husband and his family should be top priority at this moment in time, that he needs to be with her.

Can you go by yourself, with a friend, relative? Sounds like nothing you say will convince him...then come back, and take that vacation...you need it.

Go-no excuse is good enough not too! As an RN you must know this is it, and that hearing is the last sense they lose so she will know he is there which any mother at any age would want

Actually a body can only go a few DAYS without water. If bad comes to worse you can always opt for a feeding tube...as a last resort. they have their complications, risk for infection, and they can get pulled out. but without water a person dies in a few days. If anything go there to help with funeral arrangements and other paper work.

it is so important to go to support the family members who have been living through her decline. They are at rock bottom.

1. See if you can get travel insurance (insuremytrip.com) - death of a parent is usually a covered event.
2. Go now. Do not wait. This sounds like my husband in October when he got the same call about his mom. It is like he just could not process what he was being told by the doctor. So I literally got the plane tickets, packed his bag, put him on the plane that day. I knew he would never live with his self if he didn't do it. In fact (he was flying from China to Atlanta - at best a 24 hour door to door trip) I even made him get an additional ticket that got him to Atlanta sooner when he landed in LA because his original ticket had a layover was so long - and I was right to insist- she passed 3 hours after he arrived at her bedside. You will never regret going - you will regret it you don't go.