My mom (72) had signs of memory issues 4 years ago. I knew something was wrong but she is a stubborn, zealous person and never admits to it.
About a year ago she finally recognized she had a hard time remembering things so we had some Alzheimer’s test done. Up until the end of August it came out clear. I wanted to get a second opinion, but she didn’t.
Early Sept, she called with the craziest story about my dad that (while on drugs) he had prostitutes over and he was beating her. I was out of state for a family trip (w hubs and toddler) and I get this call. She was freaking out so we left our trip to go immediately to her.
Side note: My mom is a great speaker. She’s one of those reputable church going elegant people who only showed the best side of herself outside the house. My dad is 84, atheist, stubborn, alpha male, blind in 1 eye, can barely hear and has false teeth. He had heart surgery and can barely walk 3 mins before needing a break.
On paper her story doesn’t make sense but she had me and my brother convinced. I was panicking for hrs until I got there. Talked to my dad and realized my mom was having a mental breakdown.
I live an hr away from my parents. My dad lives with my mom. He is senile. As much as we insist on taking my mom to a home, he kept wanting to fix her with love. As sweet as that is, it was utterly stupid and pissing me off.
She would constantly hide things out of paranoia, forget and then accuse my dad of stealing it. The aggression and violence doesn’t get better.
My mom doesn’t eat or sleep which makes her crazier. All she wants to do is fight. She can get violent, too. My dad was willing to take it because he didn’t want to separate from her. Well also, my parents are middle class so they don’t qualify for medi-cal so we would have to pay out of pocket (which we can’t afford).
So I would go there and sleep over a week at a time with my toddler (because I have no choice) while she was having her crazy episodes. It had been a really hard time trying to juggle this with my kid. My awesome husband who would have to drive 2 hrs from his work, would come a couple times to take my toddler out of this mess while I dealt with my mom.
Three weeks ago, 5 mins after I arrived to my parents’ home, she screamed at me saying she had $10k hidden in her room and it is now gone. That she had it right before I got there and as soon as I got there it went missing. I kept telling her I don’t know anything about it. She said it’s me.
The more she tells the story the more elaborate it gets. Basically she now believes that her missing amount is $22k and that my dad or I stole it and we are doing drugs together. She would torture me while I’m there or call/text me endlessly screaming at me or telling me to die. She is now so completely out of her mind she is telling people outside of our family in details (which includes that I left my family and am a prostitutes to get money for drugs) and these people believe her because she’s a great story teller.
Because she’s HMO and the US has the “best” healthcare system, we asked to see a neurologist and psychiatrist in Sept but they gave us the earliest date of December. I called so many times pleading for an earlier date and we finally saw the neurologist today. I know her med history and I needed to speak with the Dr, but she went off on me saying she wants her son, so my brother went instead. She wouldn’t even let me go eat lunch with her after. She instead told me to die.
My dad is now willing to take her to a home because he finally accepted that his wife isn’t coming back.
Now she locks herself in her room and barely leaves because she’s full-on paranoid and thinks we are taking her to an asylum.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I need help and to vent. I’m just so lost and heartbroken. My mom was my bff. Now I am terrified she will pass away thinking I’m a drug addicted prostitute and she hates my guts.
a lot of people are suggesting I call the police. I guess without even looking it up our family assumes they are going to drag her away into a mental ward and we won’t be able to see her.
is that what happens? I don’t want to see my mother go into a psyche ward. I want to try to take her to a home and get her admitted there.
is this what happens? Can I try to force her into a home? Will homes even take her? I think she’s like this when she’s with me and my dad. When we aren’t around she’s just talking about us and not aggressive or violent.
This is all new to me so I may sound naive but I really don’t know what’s suddenly happening and need to take care of things quickly.
Juse to add "you" don't pay for her treatment, hospitalizations or anything else.
An eldercare attorney needs to be consulted so that assets can be divided so they BOTH can get care.
When you say 'we had her at the neurologist today' does that mean she was seen by the doctor?
If she becomes violent, you need to call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for evaluation.
Urinary Tract Infections in elders can cause psychiatric symptoms. That needs to be checked out asap.
She may need a psychiatric hospitalization to get her on meds to stabilize her. Psych hospitals don't lock people up and throw away the key unless the person is criminally insane and has been found so I a court of law.
Best decision I ever made as a mother.
Also broke my heart to haul my daughter kicking and screaming to the ER where I 'dumped' her.
2 weeks of detox and therapy and the right meds and she woke up and realized she was NOT that person. She eventually got rid of all the 'druggie friends' and went back to her old, Elementary School besties. She was able to get off all meds and get her life back.
The psych hospital was not pleasant, but it was necessary. For my sanity and for hers. They were terrific with her. She needed, first, to be brought down from the manic high she was on and find her center of balance.
She was checked every day with blood tests, so we knew what was in her system and that she was otherwise healthy.
Your mom sounds like she needs to be taken physically to an ER and you all refuse to bring her home. Your dad is at danger and your toddler? My other girls wouldn't let my daughter NEAR their babies!!
If I had $1 for every time she said she hated me, I'd be a rich woman. If I had $1 for every time she told me that she loves me, we'd be about equal.
It will HURT to have mom committed, but she could really get worse. And she's affecting the whole family. She doesn't get to 'get away' with that.
BTW--if she is threatening suicide or harm of someone else, you can call 911 with a clear conscience.
From."Mom hates me so much".
To "Mom has become ill & has disordered thinking".
I haven't read the entire post just yet - has a cause been found? Stroke? Psychiatric break?
I see your haven't got the results from the Neurologist yet.
So do what you can.
Keep yourselves safe.
Don't hesitate to call EMS if Mom threats harm, to self, family or others.
If she's not yet diagnosed and things are out of control, and she is violent and screaming, call 911 and have them pick her up for a mental eval. She will be 'locked down' for I believe it is 72 hours for observation. It sounds like your Dad is potentially unsafe. And of course, your toddler doesn't need to be exposed to that; nor do you. It's too much. I understand. My mother is violent and rages as well. And elegant and has the public face too! ha ha...Amazing how many women get away with this, even BEFORE dementia!
We have to remember that mental decline causes our parents to behave this way. Your mom doesn't hate you. She isn't in her right mind. Try to stand back and listen objectively. An example: What she says-- I lay awake all night, I can't sleep and toss and turn because you stole all my money and I can't quit thinking about it!! What's really going on--she's experiencing agitation and sleep issues due to dementia or other mental illness and she is attaching that to her delusion that you have stole her money.
Another: What she says: I can't trust you, you're a prostitute and drug addict. Why don't you just die?
What's really going on: She's experiencing confusion, delusions, angst and frustration and loss of personal control and her brain isn't functioning properly to reason things out. She is attaching it to her delusions and reacting to it IE: Why don't you just die.
The things that come out of their mouths are desperate attempts to communicate but it comes out all wrong. And yes, they have false beliefs. We have to read under the surface. I don't know if I explained that correctly or not but I seem to be able to see through it with my mom now that I am more clear on what's going on. Before, I took it personal and it crushed me.
Don't get me wrong. I completely empathize with you and have all but curled into a ball over my situation. But just wanted to give you some things to consider such as removing your emotions and observing. Look at the symptoms of dementia and/or alzheimers and see how they connect to her behaviors and what she may be trying to express. Remember, her brain is deteriorating. The mom you knew may show up intermittently but resolve yourself to the fact that things will never be like they were and this most likely will get worse. So mending this relationship is not going to happen in the way you would like. Go through the motions of protecting yourself, your other family members and her. Be gentle with yourself and be sure to take time out for just you. Distancing yourself from her is necessary and OK. If you can find someone experienced to step in and help, great. If she's in care already, better! :) I cannot stress enough to nurture yourself. I learned from experience and I'm still crawling out of the emotional dungeon. I've grieved the death of my mother already because the person she is now is no one I recognize or want to know. This is one of the hardest things I've gone through. Hang in there. Take care of YOU. And then everyone else after.
I hope that by sharing some of my own situation, you can relate and know that you are not alone in this.
I’ve also been accused of false things. I’ve been warned the accusations will only get worse and worse.
Wishing us strength and wisdom!
She doesn't really hate you. Her brain is screwed up! It's the disease, disorder, whatever talking - NOT your mother. My mom has dementia - I say to myself that it's the dementia talking, not her. My mom is gone.
Your last sentence about being terrified that she'll pass away thinking such horrible things about you - you need to start thinking much differently ASAP. Your mom is having a crisis of some sort and you need to quickly readjust your thinking to that.
Now what about your dad. You say he's senile? Can he be living alone?
If he stays home, he'll get to keep living at the house. When her half of their assets are burned through for her care, she will have to go on medicaid to pay for her nursing home stay, assuming that's where she'll end up.
Sorry you are in the middle of such a horrible situation. Take some deep breaths and get some answers and be ready to dole out some tough love to do what needs to be done for everyone's well being.