Last few days she is saying she is tired even after she gets up and comes out to the family. She is eating less. She asked a few days in a row am I dying? We asked her how do you feel is there a reason you are asking she says I am just tired. She also said she is afraid to die, this is beyond heart breaking we are at a loss for words and do not understand why she is asking this question. Looking for help.
The only other thing that can be done is to reassure her that all is good and try to redirect her focus onto something else. Try keeping her "occupied" with simple tasks, and ensuring she gets enough physical activity and mental stimulation can also help. Sitting around all the time with nothing to do and no "purpose", the mind can dwell on things like dying. If she can manage little tasks like setting the table, putting clean dishes away, folding the laundry (put it away, muss it up and she can fold them again without knowing it's already been done!) might make her feel more useful.
Once you know whether there has been any kind of heart or brain event that is making her feel like this, then you can focus on helping her to be happier and reassured.
I especially love Grandma54's "probably not today" response :)
It's hard to know which end of the thread to get hold of. The thing is: chemical changes in her brain could make her feel anxious. Because she feels anxious, she needs something to feel anxious about. And dying, and being afraid of death, would be a good, big hook to hang her feelings on. Soothe the anxiety, and you'll lessen the fear.
Or, it could be the other way about. It could be that there has been some event which actually IS leading to the end of life phase. In that case it's more important to reassure her that everything is okay and everything will be okay, and it might be helpful to bring in whatever form of spiritual or pastoral support has meaning for her.
She is a lucky lady to have close family around her. How are you three, are you also looking out for one another?
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear,
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."
William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar."
I am a scientist and not religious, so although I fear pain, the thought that I may die in a few years doesn't bother me, but encourages me to go all the places I want to go and do all the things I want to do as long as I can (I am 81, but healthy thus far). When my husband was dying of stroke 5 years ago, he said he was glad he had married me and got to see the world and learn how to play duplicate bridge! And without him I would never have started running and working out, which I continue to this day. I was there when both my mom (liver cancer) and my husband died, both had been heavily sedated, and did not seem to be in any distress--they just stopped breathing. I hope my own passing is as quiet and uneventful.
Now the point of my long ramble... my husband's sister had been sending him copies of a poem/prayer for decades and on the photocopies she would write that if he wanted to be able to go to heaven and be with his wife (who had died years earlier) that he had to repeat that prayer and mean it. We told the hospice minister about this and he was able to talk to my father-in-law about that it didn't take saying specific words or a specific prayer... and was able to give him a great deal of comfort in what turned out to be his final week.
So, in addition to all of the good suggestions already given, whether she actually is approaching death in the near term or not, there may be some nagging issue that your mother wants to resolve.
Is your Mom a religious person? Or had she been in the past?
If so you might ask the priest, rabbi, chaplain or whoever is the church leader is to talk to her. This might help her a bit.
I am sure none of us WANTS to die...I mean gosh there is so much left to do.
We are all afraid of the unknown. Like the first day at a new job, we are afraid but we go and find out everything is alright and we are welcomed and most of the time we meet great people and make friends.
Death is another phase of our life. (boy that sounds odd...)
OK, for one of the questions I started with ...Is your Mom on Hospice? If so the Chaplain could talk to her about this. The Social Worker can help with things that she might want to finish before she dies. and the Chaplain and the Social Worker can help you and the rest of the family answer this question as well as help you all in this time.
If your Mom is not on Hospice you might want to call and see if she is eligible. The amount of help I got from Hospice was AMAZING and I also got reassurance, education, confidence as well as a lot of medical help, supplies and equipment for my Husband.
But a quick answer to your Mom would be ...If you are getting up, walking around and talking to me now, I don't think that you will die today.
Those were the signs that was 3 weeks before his death.
Heres a book I recently downloaded but admit I haven’t read but it is highly recommended. Called The Grace in Dying: A Message of Hope, Comfort and Spiritual Transformation. By Kathleen Singh.
I often respond the same as Rocketjcat, by taking his BP and using the normalcy of that to work through the moment. I’ve also learned that disruptions in the heart rate (A-fib) and the other automatic systems can make someone feel as through they are dying.
Tiredness is a persistent symptom that brings on that question. I wonder if tiredness is meant to help the person prepare for crossing into the next realm - life gets too burdensome and exhausting to continue. Tiredness is tricky because it causes the person to be less active, which causes muscle loss, which causes more tiredness.
Be an advocate for your LO, and see if there is an “easy fix,” like a vitamin deficiency. An if that’s not it, just try to be there with her so she doesn’t feel like she’s going through this alone.
How you respond will depend a lot on your particular situation. My LO is a doctor and knows very well the signs and symptoms of death. But, he does not want to be told that he’s dying. So, I reassure him that he has many more years or tell him that he has to stick around until the next big family event. He knows. But your LO may not know and she may be trying to come to terms with what she is experiencing, even if she isn’t actually close to the end. If that’s the case, be gentle and honest. Nobody knows exactly when they will go. Help her sort through things and find closure.
*hugs*
*Age
*Sickness
*Death
*Change
*Own your on actions
We're all gonna have to accept the 5 realities and some of us get to live a lot longer than others.
For example, one of my dearest friends lost a 2 month old baby.
My 81 year old mom has lived a long, interesting life until massive stroke June 2018. She's partially paralyzed and can't eat, talk, or walk. So yes, Mom you're about to die - we all are.
When my Mom shocked me with that question, I deflected a little, knowing she’s not dying. “Mom you’re healthier than I am” (she probably is) and I got out the BP cuff. “See your BP and pulse are fine”. (They are) That’s all it takes for her to forget about it.
I dont dismiss her feelings of tiredness, however, and tell her all the things we are working on to help her with that, like her meds, good nighttime sleep, B12 etc.
there are many things that can cause your mom to be tired.
If you have a bp cuff, check her bp. Check her pulse. It should be over 60.
Has she seen her doctor since this started? Even an urgent care visit can help. Also have them do a test for a UTI.
Like Freq Flyer said, if she has new meds they could be affecting her. Or she may need new meds or current meds adjusted. How long has this been going on?
Weigh her and start a log so you can tell if she is losing weight. Get her some Ensure or make her a smoothie so she can get some nourishment but don’t push it too hard. Make sure she is drinking water. She may be dehydrated. Is she peeing? Have her bowels moved? Is she on thyroid medication? Is she diabetic?
What medications does she take? As her dementia progresses there will be changes. It could be that or it could be one of the things mentioned. Those are just the ones you can easily check yourself to see what’s going on.
Im sorry about the death of your father. Yours sounds like a loving family. I hope you can get her feeling better soon. Be sure to let us know how she is doing.
Also, any changes in medicine? Like, doctor's prescribing for the first time blood pressure pills, or upping your Mom's previous dosage. That can make one drag.
Not usual for your Mom to eat less, if she is sleeping more. She's not needing the calories to keep her on the go. Maybe the sleep is related to the grey missing sun weather. I know that can cause me to nap in the afternoons, right after lunch.