My parent resents me, any advice?

Take care of yourself first. It’s so hard to take care of someone. I can only imagine how much harder it would be with someone not easy to get along with. Both of mine were/are very appreciative. Yes we have bad days but no one was/is ugly. I wish you the best.

It sounds like your mother is in pretty good health. Is their an independent living senior place in your area? They have activities and she could meet some friends.

Consider your mother’s love for you; being the first born.
your siblings can chip in for a full time caregiver.

Boundaries girl... boundaries!! Keep them intact. Read the book titled ‘Boundaries’ by Townsend. Life changing for me.

Just simply say "No Thank You".  Tell your siblings that they are going to have to find their piece of mind somewhere else.  Tell everyone that you want some time alone to think about yourself for a hot second.  If they are sooo concerned about mom, they can take her in.  You deserve the right to make decisions for yourself just like everyone else.  Don't feel bad...just say no thanks!

From what you write, you have a lousy family and a selfish mother. I have seen these situations all too often. Speaking from a lifetime of experiences, YOU. must be strong and get up and WALK AWAY FROM ALL OF THEM. There does not seem to be much reason for you to try to make things work. Sometimes the best and most sensible thing you can do is say "enough, I am gone" and go. Good luck and you will find peace and happiness if you do this. Believe me, I know.

Maintain your life and keep it sacred at all costs. Saying “Sorry but....it’s just not in the cards for me” or whatever words work. I settled into caring for my Mother and am absolutely stuck. Siblings have marriages, jobs and vacations. Me? Go nowhere and cannot work b/c Mom is so frail. I’m not sure what an exit plan looks like. If I could do it over, I’d say “Sorry, It’s just not in the cards”. Best intentions went out the window long ago. Good luck and don’t feel badly by keeping your life your own. She’ll figure her life out.

You already made up your mind. Stick to your guns & don’t let siblings manipulate you. You deserve a medal 🏅 for raising children alone. Your mother must’ve done something right too. She needs help, but just tell her nicely you’re not a caregiver. You’re not feeling up to it. Hugs 🤗

Hello Mary, first and foremost it is easier said than done. Yes it is by way of just mere observation to tell your mother no. But when you are in the thick of it. And family infighting/pressures becomes the norm. You can find yourself torn and even disillusioned. I will spare you the details of my own hell that I am currently enduring in regards to caring for my mother. But for the past 6 years I have been her sole caregiver. And as a result I have suffered greatly. And yet it is a duty that I cannot bring myself to walk away from. Still I 100% understand your convictions. And yes I will be frank with you when I say. If you cave, dare to give in to family pressures and demands. And assume the responsibility of taking in your mother. That is when the mountain will be thrust upon you. And your siblings will utter a quiet sigh of relief. And you will become (for lack of a better word) the scapegoat. Though you come across as firm in your stance. My advice to you is to set boundaries. You love your mother. And yes you want to do what is right. Or what is hailed as the right thing to do. And I can give you all the rehearsed lines you will hear if you were to take on this responsibility. Such as it is privilege to adorn on a parent the same love and care that was adorned on you. Or it will make you highly favored in the eyes of God. Or this is a moment in time were you have been chosen to stand. And these are precious moments with your mother that will only strengthen your character. And bring both you and your mother closer together. And to some extent all of that is true. But when its just you and your mother sitting for hours in a doctor's office or a cold hospital room. And your tired. And your mother becomes erratic. And for some reason each family member you call won't answer and/or respond. Its hard to see the silver lining. Ultimately the final decision is yours. But if you feel deep down inside that you cannot be all that mother needs. And that the situation will do more harm than good. Well I will advise you not to give in. And follow your first mind/thought. But if you do allow your mother to come and live with you. First just know you will find strength you didn't know you had. And you will learn things that will make you a better person. But it will all come at a price. Just as anything else. So be honest first with yourself. Know your own limitations. And whatever you decide. Make your decision with love. And remember no one can ever fault you for that.

When things cool down a bit, have a convo with each sib. Also with Mom. "Hope Mom settles into her new place. If she wants or needs to move in the future, she can. Just to be clear: living with me is not an option. Now or in the future".

Sort of like the sh1te sandwich but with the main message strong at the end - just to make it crystal clear.
🥪🥪🔔

Keep repeating as often as necessary.

Imho, you must set boundaries.

I have 3 sisters and when mom needed to live with one of us, for some reason I was the natural one. I don't know why but I did work in the medical field so I can understand what the doctors are talking about. Anyway, I absolutely loved the idea of taking her home with me. My husband was completely in agreement. Our kids grew up and moved out to go to college. My sisters were all so happy when I said I would love to have her. As it turned out I was privileged to spend quality time with her, where my sisters weren't. I lived in the mountains, so they didn't make but one or two visits.
I had so much fun with her, we laughed all the time. She positively did not ever complain about anything. She had trouble swallowing so she had a special diet. But I would dish her food up in different size wine glasses. Then when I wheeled her to the table, she would say, oh I feel like a princess. She was a very happy lady. She was incontinent so when she was wet, she would say, honey--your baby is wet with a cute twinkle in her eyes. We would play a game every night when I put her to bed. I would pull the sheet up first, but I would pull it all the way over her head. She would have her hands up above her head. Then I would say, hmmm I thought I saw my mother here in her bed, but she must have gotten up and slipped out. I would be talking the whole time, maybe she is under the bed, I would pretend to look, and say no she isn't there, and I would go around the room saying she might be here or there. All the while I would look over at her and the sheet was wiggling as she was quietly laughing. But then I would say, she must have left the room, so I shall go look for her. That is when she would throw her arms down and say in as sweet little voice, "Here I am, Here I am". These were some of the best times in my life. She has been gone almost 30 years now and I can still hear her cute little voice saying those cute little things. My sisters don't really like to hear about all the things we did, because I believe they feel bad they didn't spend more time with her. Luckily God gave me the privilage of having her as long as I did.

Dear Mary, congratulations that you are setting boundaries of self-care. Having a history of abuse, it is important to recognize when they come knocking at your door. Your feelings are appropriate and I am glad you don’t feel guilty. It is simply unreasonable for your mother to take you hostage in wanting to camp in your loving room or garage. Your role as a caregiver has changed. You are now using these skills to care for yourself. Your physical and emotional health are paramount. No need to explain or be defensive. If your mother is having a sissy fit. Let her enjoy it. Have a good laugh. Have a simple answer to this complex situation. It’s called a note in your purse. If siblings or your mother get into their yang yang, be like a toreador with a red cape like a shield and let the bull rage by. You answer is always the same, “But mom, or to your Siblings “ Mom or Mom’s request is just unreasonable. I can’t do it.” The temptation is to get caught up in the manipulation, what I call hand, yang. Keep up the good work. Have fun, you deserve it.

Do nothing.

It sounds like it would just cause sparks if she were to move in. And to have someone living in your living room. Yikes. If she has other options that are working out, then you need to let her do them. She is being manipulative and if you do not want to sign on for this, you don't have to. You or she may change your minds in a few years when your kids have moved out. She needs to be willing to give you that space. If you don't change your mind, why would she want to live with you?

Love her anyway and tell her you want her to be there for all holidays and you will cook her favorite food. Now go find a great place for her-- where she will have older friends her own age with whom she can find peace and enjoy her life again-- an independent living facility really is the best ! The sweet older folks all gather around for the downstairs meals and there are smiles all around. Take her there for a meal once you go and reconnoiter! She will LOVE it ! Sometimes all it takes is a small Livingroom and small bedroom which are not that expensive. Plus if you are appointed POA-- you can require your sibs to help financially. If you Dad was in the military, you can go to Vet Affairs and get the Aid and Attendance program if you Mom needs help doing things-- ADLs -- at least 3-- getting up in the morning, bathing, whatever. An extra $1127 per month ! Go for it-- turn a bad sitch into a good one ! One community are the Holiday ILFs-- do your homework ! Be that winner and let your light so shine.

It sounds like to me your Mom is still mean. If she was hateful enough to tell you that her other two daughters are her favorites, that is where she needs to land. She will treat them better. Let it go. You cannot change a person. That is who she is. You are hoping time has mellowed her. Don’t count on that and don’t be fooled. Leave things as they are and step back to avoid disappointment. If you just have to test the waters, take her to lunch and spend a few hours with her to see how she behaves. Good Luck!

If you’re like me, I don’t feel guilty either but I appreciate when people confirm that I’m doing the right thing! I’m so glad you have boundaries to protect you and your children from emotional and mental stress. My husband, children, and I regret having my MIL move in with us. We hope she will move in with someone else like your mom is doing. Blessings to you and your children!

Well, she found housing in a private home so she does have a place to live. Just reach out to her by phone and if she gets mean, you can have something you need to tend to and hang up. Maybe take a prepared meal to where she is and feed her, chat a while and end it if the arguing starts.

Maybe have a talk with the siblings and explain what you did here. You have kids you are still raising and providing a home for, there's no extra rooms right now, and you have your hands full. Perhaps make an offer to go to their house, if she moves back to one of them, and provide relief to them so they can get away.

If she still travels a lot, she has not reached a point of needing 24/7 supervision and her new digs give her a home base in between travels. Maybe when she wants to go to her other apartment, go with her and spend a few days if you can both be together for several days.

Put aside the rest of the family issues. Focus only on the issue of your mother and her needs.

She has a place she is renting. You do not have a free bedroom and obviously do not want her living in your garage or living room. Why would she need to move in with you if already has a housing option that works?

Does she need help with her activities of daily life: bathing, toileting, walking, meals....? Does she need help with managing her finances or medical issues? f so, she may need a assistant for those things, but it doesn't have to be you, and you do not need to pay for this either.

I would recommend that you mom continue to meet her own needs, as she is able. I would also recommend that you and your siblings have a family meeting with mom about establishing powers of attorney (medical and financial) for WHEN mom needs somebody to act on her behalf. Got those now while mom is still competent to meet her own needs.

Sounds like your mom is a pot stirrer and seeks to create drama. If she is capable of caring for herself she should. She caused discord in your sister's house so she continue the same behavior. Your siblings are selfish and self centered. You are not responsible for all of your mom's desires. Give them all a chance to miss you. Remove yourself from this situation and discuss it no further.

I'm not very interested in your mother's or your siblings' circumstances. You raised four children - jolly successfully, too, by the sound of it - on your own. And now you'd like to concentrate on your career, which I hope brings you not only improvements in your financial security but also personal fulfilment and day to day satisfaction, too.

Enough said. You don't have space in your house or your life for another permanent dependant who, moreover, has plenty of other options. Makes perfect sense to me.

Why did you feel the need to "reach out" to your mother recently? I don't think it can make any difference, I'm just wondering.

You raised your kids (and very well). Your Mom is just that - your Mom - not another kid to raise. Your house is full. Since Mom is not needing dependent caregiving - let her find assisted living place (that in most areas would be $4000 - $5000 per month). Or an apartment ($1200 and up depending on where you live). If she had no place she could afford might be different - then should be shared with All siblings - but if she can travel she can afford a place to stay. Let her spend her money - you can be sure if any left, siblings would want "their share" of inheritance even if you did all of caregiving. Note - My Mom came to live with me the last 7 years of her life (choice of AL or living with me) Glad she chose to live with me. My husband had passed - had tried to get her to live with us for years. Was glad when she came. Win/win for both of us. I continued to work as she did not need caregiving until last 6 months and then we hired help. But you have a full house - your first responsibility is to your kids and yourself.

"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"
Don't let the bastards get you down!
Chin up, head high, smile as big as the sky!
That's three cheers to you and for you!
You're an awesome child of God!
Just remember, and never forget,
The BEST is yet to come!
Go Mary Go! You are my HERO!

I don't think that parents should be living somewhere without their kids UNLESS they choose to... want to. NOW.. that being said...here we go. No one child, when there ARE more children. ... no one child should be having to deal with parent(s) all by themselves. You have siblings and just because you have no partner is no reason for you to have to deal with mom by yourself... and most likely if you did allow your mom to move in with you, YOU would pretty much hear nothing from your other siblings. ????? EVERYONE SHOULD BE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR MOM. EVERYONE. The ideal situation would be this.... all siblings have a meeting where they discuss, "What to do with OUR MOM?" Yes.. OUR MOM. FACT - She has 5 kids so... 5 kids making the decisions together. Let us say that mom DOES come live with you at some point. The other 4 kids could PAY for some health care aides to come in and take care of mom a certain number of hours per week! How about that! ??? Try telling them this and see what they say! If they don't like THAT idea... then.. you know where they stand. They won't help with mom... they are NOT to require YOU to do something they themselves REFUSE to do. Also, they might and people so people agree to anything and then when mom moves in, they have no idea what you are talking about. Need to get any agreement between siblings WRITTEN DOWN ON PAPER AND NOTARIZED. Again.. if they refuse to do this, well then, you know what their intentions are. They lied...and have no intention of keeping to what was agreed on. I see this ALL THE TIME... I had a husband like this... always required me to do things that he himself did NOT know how to do and/or would not do. HE wanted me to take care of his mom.. make ALL the decisions.. Nope... trying to push it on ME. "NO.......JIM. YOU ARE PART OF THE EQUATION HERE". GET VERBAL AGREEMENTS IN WRITING.

"My mother is 75 and travels a lot and she lives with 2 of my sisters sometines or alone in an apt she has in our country."

This is very telling. She is not that old yet, and still capable. Sounds like she just needs a "home base" to have a place to drop in when between travels. She can find an apartment, IL, hotel/motel or some other accommodation between trips.

"I told her I do not have an empty room. She wanted to live in the living room or garage. She wanted to help me financially too with $700."

Garage? Wouldn't a nice hotel room be nicer? LR? Where would she keep her stuff? So *generous* too - WHERE could she store her stuff and have a place to drop in periodically for that amount of money? Obviously you are fine economically, so that carrot isn't very tempting, is it? Don't bite it!

"As I stated before, I raised 4 kids alone. Now I do not want any responsibilities. Now I want to keep working to pay my bills and I do not want to worry about anything else."

That is your right and as others noted, great job raising educated responsible adults! I raised 2 from a young age myself (unfortunately the ex stuck around just to make my existence miserable whenever he could!) and also had to work full time. I can't imagine having to do the same with 2 more, although I loved having kids & would welcome more!

"My siblings wanted my mom to live with me. They said they will have peace of mind if my mom lives with me."

Sure, THEY will have peace of mind, because she'd be off their backs and out of their homes! NOPE!

"She has even told me that my 2 younger sisters are her favorite."

As jacobsonbob said, she likes them best, go live with them!!!!

"Maybe she wants to live with me because I do not have a partner."

Sounds more like (to me) that she just wants a place to go between travels. Having fewer people that she might "interact" with might be part of her plan, but more likely it's because she's already worn out her welcome with the others... You're next on the rotation!

"Now I have reached out to my mom and she says she doesn't feel like talking to me because I didn't let her move in with me."

If that's her reason for not wanting to talk to you, clearly she is SELFISH. If she weren't, she would understand.

"She says my other 4 siblings take good care of her."

Fine. GO LIVE WITH THEM!!!

"My mom is renting a room/bathroom in a private home."

Sounds like the BEST arrangement. You limited contact and after reaching out she said she didn't want to talk to you, so there you have it. Don't make contact. Maybe send her some greeting cards, Happy B'day, Mother's Day, some random whatever day, but stand your ground! You have EARNED the right to have a life of your own. The children are on the cusp of leaving the nest and you can start taking care of your needs, all the things you have given up to raise these great kids!

"I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative."

And you would be right. As noted above, they've already closed the gates, yet THEY feel you should open yours. Nope.

"Why do I have to be the one?"

You don't. Just because they or your mom think so, it is NOT their decision.

"I do not feel guilty."

Good. As others have said, too many DO feel guilty and are pressured into doing this and regret it. Once she's in, how would you get her out if it didn't work out? Although 2 of your boys are in rooms, she'll think the rooms are available when they go to school. NO. Between semesters, on breaks, etc, they have a right to return to their own rooms. Even if they did move elsewhere, those rooms can be used for ANY of your kids, friends, other family who come to visit. It's your place, you have every right to say who comes in, who stays, who doesn't, what your rooms are used for!

"What to do next?"

Stand your ground. She has a drop spot, let her live her life and you live yours! You don't need excuses or explanations. As many say often on this site, NO is a complete sentence!

I was just having a similar conversation with my aunt about caring for my dad her brother so your not alone.I believe at the core of it all you must be willing and able and everyone isn't.

Family especially will try to bully or shame you into what they think your role should be.I truly believe in caring for your parents as they did so for you, but to what degree is your decision not others.

Your mom seems fully capable of caring for herself and maybe she she look into a senior community instead of renting in a private house.

Continue to stand your ground.Explain to.your mom that you love her but staying with you isn't an option at least for now.

Your mother and siblings ARE selfish and manipulative. And nuts - you don't have room for anyone else, even if you liked that person. Stick to your guns. You have earned your peace. Don't reach out. Let things calm down for a while. And don't feel guilty.

Considering that your mother has told you that your two younger sisters are her favorites, then if it comes to it, you can say "Fine, and I'm sure you will be much happier living with one of them instead of here." She has given you some excellent "ammunition"!

You dont have to be rude but continue to be firm about your boundries. She has proven she can live on her own and if shes lonely to live with someone tell her about independent living or retirement communities. As parents, we raise our children to set them free. Not demmand they do ANYTHING for us when we get older. Thats not how it works. I know people always say you have to deal with family, but i litterally out of 50 family members speak to 5 or 6. I cut out my own mother completely. Putting yourself through the ringer just because your blood doesnt make any more sense then if they were just friends .