My uncle is in a nursing home because his ex-wife arranged it. She wanted to sell the house, he did not want to. How do I take him home?

First assess your caregiving skills. Have you had experience? It’s not as simple as taking him into your home. It’s also knowing what to do when he gets there. Caregiving is very difficult, and I suggest you learn everything you can about it before making a decision that you’re almost sure to regret.

If you aren't his guardian, you can't take him anywhere.

Trust me, dementia progresses to where you cannot care for him at home, and then you'd have to but him back in a home which would be far more traumatic for him. Dementia patients need consistency and familiar surroundings.

Talk to him in his world. If he thinks he's still treating patients, ask him about his cases. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, because he's talking about what's real to him. That adds reassurance for him if you go along with his version of reality.

Taking him home might make you feel like a hero, but in reality you’d be doing the worst thing for him AND yourself.. You have no idea what you’d be getting yourself into.

Why does no one else want much to do with him? The “you’re just going to leave me to die” is a gullt tactic on his part. You had nothing to do with placing him there.

Leave him in the nursing home where he belongs.

Tatalexine4- YES, do take your uncle home. After a week, you will find out why you shouldn't have done the stupidest thing to him and yourself. You won't know until you try. So please do.

Tell the nursing home, you're taking him home for a week long visit.
By the way, you will be 100% responsible if anything happens to him.

Please report back after you try.

I’m confused. You are his POA, but his ex wife is the one who made the arrangements? Now you want to take him home? His home or yours?

Since he entrusted you with the responsibility of having the POA, you need to educate yourself on how to do the job well. You can learn a lot from this site, but when you need advice you can rely on, consult the appropriate professional (legal, medical, tax, …)

What have his needs been assessed as? What income and assets are available to meets those needs? What in your education or experience has prepared you to manage his care and what assistance is available? Can he afford a geriatric care manager to help you evaluate any alternatives that you are considering?

As POA, you will need to step up and deal with his house. Does the the ex wife have partial ownership and is forcing a sale or is it vacant and in limbo?

Your profile page says that your uncle is 72, and you state that his dementia is progressing. You don't say when he divorced, or why. Would it be a fair guess that his ex-wife couldn't cope with his (comparatively) early onset dementia? - they separated, the house was sold as part of the settlement, she arranged for him to go into residential care?

At what point were you given power of attorney?

With two children and a full-time job you would have to be off your rocker to attempt taking on the 24/7 care of your uncle. If he isn't happy where he is, or if you aren't happy with the quality of care, look for other options - but your family home can't be one of them.

The reality:
Dementia no magic cure,
Anger, grief, acceptance.

So who would provide care for him while you're at your fulltime job? And you will be the caregiver when you are home from your job?

How exactly would this work?

Do you REALLY think this is feasible?

Welcome, Tata!

Please think about the fact that you are hearing the side of the story told by Uncle with dementia.

You work full time.

Right now, Uncle has 24/7 medical care and supervision.

Who is going to provide that if you take him into your home?

Does he have the funds to pay for 24/7 aides, or is he on Medicaid (in NYC, Medicaid will pay for 24/7 aides).

They all want to "Get Out", it is their mantra. He is in the nursing home for good reasons, not because there is nothing wrong with him.

Caring for someone in his condition requires skilled care. Are you planning to hire for this care, 24/7?

I don't think that you understand what this entails, read around this site, many have tried to do what you are considering and are physical & emotional wrecks.

Good Luck!

Having visits on good terms is quite different than caretaking. Your profile says you have a heart of gold and that you are a single parent with a good and stable job. Taking uncle out will destabilize everything.

You are not the responsible party for this gentleman, who now suffers from dementia. His ex-wife has placed him in care and is l likely his guardian, conservator or POA. She is in charge. I think you cannot know what 24/7 care of an elder with dementia this advanced entails. I am thrilled you are visiting and are comforting your uncle. Gently explain to him that he is living here now because right now he is suffering from some forgetfulness and cannot live alone. Contact the ex wife and offer "support" and you may understand how and why she is able to act for your Uncle. But it is very unlikely that you, if you cause her problems, will even be able to visit your uncle at all, so I would be careful in stirring up the waters at all. I wish you and Uncle good luck.

Tatalexine4, welcome to the forum. Before you take your Uncle out of the nursing home, ask the nursing home if you can stay 3 full days in your Uncle's room. That will be you an idea of what is involved.

If the nursing home allows this, remember you will see different nurses/aids every 8 or 12 hours, as those employees go home to rest up for the next day shift. You will see how your Uncle is in the morning, if he is agreeable to use the bathroom, for getting dress, etc. Then you can witness how he is when eating. Then how he acts the rest of the morning until lunch time.

And how many times the Staff needs to take him to the bathroom. And how cooperative he is when it is time for his shower, and if it takes two Staff employees to shower him.

You get to see if your Uncle wanders at night, trying to get out of the facility. And how easy/hard it is to get him back into his bed. He may cooperate or he may become defensive. And how many bathroom breaks he needs. Or is he now in the Depend garment stage?

There is a lot to learn about dementia. It's like a person is going back in time and they become child like, but dealing with a 200 lb toddler won't be easy.

Just food for thought.

My experience: I worked a full time job, my daughter, grandbabies lived with me during the pandemic and my father fell ill. I wanted to care for him so badly but how was the question. I could not leave him alone. My daughter was teaching via computer and the babies were between here and their daddys home. So I had to have him in a nursing home. I visited daily. His dementia was bad and getting worse daily. Finally he was diagnosed with ALZ. I could not take care of him and I knew it. Finally the day came when he did not get out of the bed in the nursing home and was on hospice. My hospice was great and when I realized my daddy was dying I called hospice and had him brought home to me. He was alive five days with me before he passed away and I held his hand, prayed with him and sang to him. My daughter, the grand babies and all his family could call him and he could hear them. He never woke after the third day with me but I could see on his face when he heard a familiar voice he face would smile. Let me tell you, you have two kids, and two grand kids and a full time job. Do not over extend yourself with caregiving - you will be dragging and hating life. Visit your uncle daily and give him some love. hugs to you and yours!

It’s wonderful of you to visit your uncle. It’s not at all the same as having him live in your home full time.

I visited with my godmother who had Alzheimer’s disease in her nursing home. There is no way that I could have adequately cared for her in my home.

Of course, we feel badly about them being unhappy at times but it isn’t the best thing for them to leave the facility where they are receiving care 24/7.

Continue to visit your uncle and leave the care to his staff.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

Something else to consider is, if you do take your uncle out of his familiar surroundings and into your home, he may feel exactly the same as he does now, and still beg to "go home." That's what usually happens - they don't recognize any place and no matter where they are, they want to "get out." My mother was actually petrified in her own home, and begged us to "get her our of there," then in our home she did the same thing and was miserable, and then again in the nursing home at first, but the place she adjusted to best was the nursing home. It took a few months, but she now feels safe there (it is such a good place and the staff is so attentive and kind) and moving her would be awful for her. People with dementia do best with routine and need time (4-6 months at least, but sometimes longer) to settle in to a new place - moving them around can actually make things worse. I would only move him if he is not getting the proper care and dignified treatment that he deserves. But if it's a decent place, given his dementia worsening it might be easiest on him to keep him there and continue to visit him regularly.

My question would be, too, how could his Ex force him into a NH and sell the house even if half was his if he has Dementia. Maybe she was able to get temporary POA or guardianship to do it? Did she know you had POA. Even temporary guardianship would probably be over a POA.

I will repeat what everyone else said, do not take him into your home. He also can't be left alone. You are single with a good job and 2 children who need Moms undivided attention. You will not be able to run them around to all their extra curricular activities with a 72 yr old Uncle with Dementia in tow. And, he can't be left alone.
Dementia means 24/7 care. You will use all your PT time for him when it should be for your kids. I was retired when my Mom moved in with me and it was overwhelming. I am sure if I had been working, I would never have taken her in. I need that down time at the end of the day, not caring for someone. Leave him where he is. His Dementia will worsen. They all want to go home. This is a stage. He will acclimate to his surroundings.

Just a thought what may have happened, the Ex forced the sale of the house. She has that right. APS was brought in to evaluate Uncle and it was found he needed 24/7 care. At that time, the Ex allowed the State to take over his care. The State assigned a guardian and the guardian placed him in this NH. If this is what happened, your POA is not valid anymore now there is a guardian. You did not leave him there to die, his Ex did. If I am right, you cannot take Uncle anywhere since he has a guardian.

You should start by getting together with his ex-wife and talking to her.
She was able to have him placed because she is his POA. There is paperwork somewhere proving it. Otherwise as an ex-wife she would not have been able to place him legally. She would not benefit in any way from placing him. I hightly doubt she would have been able to do so illegally.
Start by talking to his former wife. Maybe it would be possible for you to take him for an outing somewhere. Don't try to have him moved into your house though. He has dementia and that is a bad idea.
If his ex-wife sold the house, it is because she legally had a right to. She would have no legal rights after being divorced unless it's stipulated in writing. Talk to her.

There are a lot of POA questions here.

If OP has POA, what kind of POA is it? Durable? Medical? Both?

Does OP know how POA works? Is it activated?

How did the ex put him in a nursing home if she didn't have POA?

What happened to his half of the money from the home sale? If he's incompetent, how did she get away with selling the house?

Has OP talked to the administration of the nursing home and asked how his ex-wife was able to admit him? What did his doctors say about him being admitted?

OP needs to return and answer these questions, because this doesn't add up at all.

Hey I just realised something!

Uncle says "I want to go home".
The OP asks "How do I take home him home" but I suspect this is less an action plan & *want* .. maybe?

Eg 'I want to take him home'.
Same thing. Just voicing what they want.

So my reply would be same;
Yes I hear you. 😔
But it's not possible.
Make the best of it instead.

Don’t take him home. Very bad idea. You’ll be sorry for sure.

With dementia, they have behavioral issues where ever they are. Make him comfortable where he is. If he feels he needs to be with his patients, Ask him info. about them. This way, you can slowly redirect him to something else, like having a snack.

If you do not hold POA, you have no right to take him out of the SNF. And unless you have tons of experience and knowledge about dementia, you're unqualified TO care for your uncle. While the idea sounds great on paper, the reality of dealing with dementia behaviors 24/7/365 would likely have you scrambling to get him back into the SNF where teams of caregivers work in shifts to accomplish what you'd be trying to do by yourself.

Elders are always pulling out the guilt card to use on others when they're actually living in the proper environment. Be sad for the disease he is suffering from, but not for the fact he's being cared for by a whole team of people.

I wish that I could place you in a time machine so you could see yourself in the future as a caregiver! I think that you would immediately change your mind about taking your uncle home.

Devil´s advocate - he says he wants to go home. You are assuming it is the home that he shared with his ex-wife that was sold. Maybe it is today. You know you can not take him there. He IS home now, but let´s just say that you were to take him home with you - as others have said, that´s not home either. But even if the house that was sold was still an option - there is a possibility that even THAT may not be what he is talking about.

My grandmother is 97 years old in a few months. She is only in the very early stages of dementia. She is living in her home right now with my mother - the home that she shared with my grandfather since I was 15 (perspective - MY daughters are in their 20s). She is lucid I would say at least 95 - 98% of the time. And to her that is home. BUT when she talks about home - sometimes that´s not where she talks about.

Sometimes it is the house I remember them living in when I was 6-15. Sometimes it is the house I have VERY vague memories of prior to age 6. Other times it is one of the homes my mom grew up in. And still other times it is the home that she grew up in, in the mountains of Georgia, that no longer exists.

EVERYONE wants home. I think for a lot of people we associate ¨home" with the place we feel safe. I don´t mean a house necessarily. Some people don´t have great memories of being in a particular house because they were not safe there. But ¨home¨ is a place or people they felt safe and loved with. A place where they felt whole. And where they could roll back the clock and feel happy and healthy and not as if their mortality is counting down.

Think of it like this - when a little kid is somewhere they don´t want to be - what do they say? ¨I want to go home.¨ When we play tag - where is safe? Home base. Baseball - where do you finish your run? Home plate. That is your center.

But for a person with dementia - you cannot possibly know for certain where that home is and if it is a particular place that no longer exists - and you remove him from the place that he is currently safe - you run the risk of derailing all of the work that has already been done to help him.

I think EVERYONE in a SNF or Memory Care wants to go home. But honestly - I have said this here before - if everyone that is in 24/7 care that wanted to be home was actually able to stay in their home - we would not need those types of facilities. They are there for a reason. We need those types of facilities to ensure that the proper care is given to those who need more than we can give to them ourselves.

I get that you want to help him - and I commend that. But sometimes help comes in a different form than we initially think. If you bring him ¨home¨ he will need 24 hour paid care, which is what he is getting where he is. He will go from one room in a building to another. He will see you in one place or another. You will not be there many hours of the day. And you will be in unintentionally confusing him and scaring him in your effort to help him.

I don´t think that is your goal.

To clarify your goal; are you taking him into your home and assuming 100% of his care?

If you are his POA and he is actually divorced his ex shouldn’t have been able to do any of these things without either his consent (which may have happened) or you and I can’t imagine how this all happened so quickly without you at least knowing it was happening. However that aside I agree with the advice not to challenge his ex right off because she obviously has some power to either get around the legalities or also holds POA and he qualified to be put in a NH so maybe she is more aware of his needs than he shows you when you speak or visit. Dementia patients, especially early on can be very good at appearing fine to family, friends and strangers who don’t spend a lot of time with them. We all put on our best face when coming in contact with others, it’s only those who typically we live with that we relax and allow our various moods to be apparent. She may have a much better grasp on his day to day needs than he does and therefore you do. No shame in that it’s often the case and that’s why loved ones can be so far down the road of dementia before those of us who love them realize. It’s also very hard to admit that someone we love has dementia and can no longer live alone, almost as hard as it is for them to admit, it’s far easier to find excuses for why Mom left her keys in the freezer.

So what I’m suggesting as other have that you talk to the ex and find out what happened from her perspective, obviously there is still a decent relationship there if she was able to be part of any of this. Let her know you are sorry you were so unaware and not helping since you are his POA and niece that loves him you should be taking on some of these responsibilities. She may not know that he gave you POA and is just trying to take care of him. He may have been on board with the move when it happened or she might have railroaded him but he didn’t call you so we can’t assume she was being nefarious.

Im not clear as to whether the house has actually been sold and changed hands or not but assuming your uncle is on the title and his ex doesn’t have POA one of you would need to sign it over for closing and that could be a sticker legal situation should you decide to push it. However once again before getting into all of that look at the big picture, was it sold for a reasonable price and does he need to be in a NH and beyond being home alone with assistance coming in? His ex may have done you a huge favor by taking care of all of this in which case let seeping dogs lie. If it hasn’t been sold yet you have made yourself known as his POA and can choose to leave him where he is and move on with the sale or not but make sure you have the big picture, talk to his doctors, the NH staff, visit him, make sure you are making an informed decision about how to pick up where things are. You love your uncle and want the best for him, he loves you like a daughter, that’s why he made you his POA (you can have more than one) so don’t be blinded with shock and anger based on the information you have be responsible and get all the info from all perspectives since you can with his POA and then see where you are and what you know in your heart is best for him as well as you.

The wife could have forced a sale based on he was not competent. She may not have known there was a POA in place. If wife walked away, the State may be his guardian and your POA means nothing.

You need to talk to the wife and find out how she was able to sell the house. Maybe Uncle was not on the deed. Then find out where his half of the proceeds went? Who is paying for his care in the NH? Medicaid and his SS? Have you asked who is overseeing his care? Have you presented ur POA papers to the NH and they excepted them?

Something someone posted made me think...you have no idea what is in their divorce decree. It may say that he can remain in the home until he passes or does not live there anymore at which time the house reverts to her. In this instance, she owns the house. Those title searches are thorough. She could not have sold that house if everything was not on the up and up.