Before we were married, my husband moved in with his mother to help her out with daily tasks. We are now married, and we still live in her home with her.
We are here to help her, as she has had a couple of falls and can’t move both of her arms well to complete everyday tasks. We honestly feel like she wouldn’t be able to do it on her own.
There are some definite upsides to this arrangement, mainly that it is cheaper than getting another place. But, we pay her rent each month to help with costs of things.
She is financially independent, and thinks just fine, her body just isn’t cooperating as much as she’d like.
Here are the issues though;
She gets upset whenever we leave the house to do something on our own together. She will pout, cry, make us feel extremely guilty for wanting some alone time, and this will linger for days. She doesn’t do this when we leave for work.
If if we don’t do something she wants immediately or the way she wants it, the mood starts again and she mumbles under her breathe things about us that I can only guess are very mean. Little things are always a big deal with her and she can’t ever let anything go. And if we ever bring up anything about how we are feeling, she acts like it’s the end of the world. I’m not even exaggerating. As in, in her bedroom bawling and moping around the house for the next week saying things about how she should move into a retirement home since she is just a burden, etc. she, however, can say whatever she wants to us however rude it may be.
I come home from work every night and cook a good meal for everyone, but she hates what I cook. And she makes it very clear she hates it. And, she refuses to eat leftovers, and gets very upset if that’s what we have.
We we moved into her house with her, which means that we don’t really have our own space. I’m not allowed to decorate anything or change anything. I understand this to a point, but I feel like we need some freedom here.
Don’t get me wrong, we love her very much and I am happy to help out, but this is getting worse the older she gets. And she’s only 73.
We we are considering moving out, but I honestly don’t think she could handle it. But, living here is started to interfere with our marriage. We have to walk on eggshells and be careful of everything we say or it will blow up in our faces.
I’m Just at a loss for what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Things are only going to get worse. Are you willing to do even more for her? If not, then start making plans to move out.
Is your MIL a widow? When was she widowed?
When exactly did your husband move in with her? Where was he living before?
Where were you living then?
When did you marry?
It is not unusual or unreasonable for an older person (at 73 your MIL is not really old, but she is old enough to be set in her ways and to dislike change) to find it hard to adjust to living with comparative strangers. She is not dealing well or fairly with you, but I seriously doubt if it's anything you've done. She bargained on having her son in her home, she liked that, she doesn't want to share. Well tough! - because he's a big boy and now a married man; but it's always best to try to see where a person is coming from.
When you two go out as a married couple, she feels excluded because she is excluded. Of course she's excluded! - you're a married couple. But the fact that it is as normal as normal gets for you and your husband to do things together as a couple does not make it any more palatable for her to feel like a spare wheel. She feels like that because that's what she is.
Her feelings of hurt and loneliness and fear are rooted in the reality that she is 73 and on her own. For a certain period of time, your DH soothed those feelings by moving in and being the man about the house. But now he has moved on, and you have moved in, and she is going to have to return to the original issue. The original issue is: she is 73 and on her own, and how does she want to lead her life from here?
My ideal scenario, just for example and not based on information, would be that the house is sold, she moves to a retirement community where she can begin again with all the support she needs, and you and your DH include her in your lives as a married couple. If that or something like it is the goal, your and DH's next step is to work together on how to make it happen. But you have to do it whole-heartedly *together*, as a unit. Is he up for that?
Good luck!
I am going through that now as I am now in my 70's. It can be downright frustrating at times. Things I could do back 5 years ago, forgetaboutit, it ain't happening now.
Has Mom-in-law had physical therapy for her arms? Could be the muscles have tightened up and need to be stretched out. Yes, it can be painful but worth it once the arms are back to normal.
As for eating, I have recently noticed that some foods that I use to like just don't taste the same. That is normal. Is Mom-in-law able to cook? If yes, have her do something she really likes and share with the rest of the family.
As for Mom pouting when you and hubby go out, just remember Mom can't just hop in her car to meet friends at the mall. In fact, probably many of her friends have moved away or have passed on.
If Mom-in-law is able to budget to move to, let's say, Independent Living which runs about $5k per month, depending on the area. She might be happier there being around people closer to her age. Some IL places offer weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service for the price. And 3 meals each day. But at her young age, that money could run out at a time when she really needs it for Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Any chance you could move out but move nearby and stop over to help with certain chores?
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