Not sure if mom has dementia or turned into a hypochondriac?

Best to talk with her dr to do cognitive assessment but she sounds like a hypochondriac. My mother did that. Every ache and pain. She’s go to dr and get mad they would say not an issue. Once had a dr tell her “ do you want to be sick?”
it was beyond frustrating. She wasted her life on self focus.
also ask dr about her fear of cancer. Is it a need for counselor- is it a fear of dying or dying with pain?

Sounds like a frustrating situation. I’m sorry that you are having to explain to others that your mom doesn’t have cancer.

She believes that she has it. She wants others to believe it too.

It’s possible that she is a hypochondriac and the beginning of dementia. I would take her to a neurologist to have specific tests done.

I’d probably forget about trying to convince her that she doesn’t have cancer at this point. Focus on getting her tested.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

anitaf5935: Perhaps she needs to see her primary care physician with a referral to a specialist for cognitive test functionality.

Perhaps an evaluation by a Geriatric Psychiatrist would give you more insights into your Mom's needs and medical condition(s).

Maybe she has dementia and maybe she doesn’t, either way YOU aren’t going to convince her she doesn’t have Cancer and arguing with her about it is more likely to make her dig in than let go of the thought. But humoring her to some degree may enable her to hear it from someone else. I have learned this the hard way. While 2 years might seem like enough time to many of us people experience grief and aftermath at different rates and in different ways. She may have processed and accepted her husbands loss and be doing well on the outside but her life may not have adapted as well as it seems or she may just be mana feasting the adjustment hurtles. I have always felt that it’s later after everyone has moved on assuming things are better that people who have experienced a physical or emotional loss need to be reminded others care. I have experienced this with chronic illness and I’m sure it’s the same with the loss of a loved one, especially someone you have shared your life with for the majority of it. I don’t know what your dad passed from or if there was even an illness or event but maybe she has developed a fear of illness and passing as a result or maybe even though she is getting lots of attention she hasn’t lived alone or slept in the house alone for…how long?…and consciously or not she’s coming up with horrible scenarios of what could happen with no one there to rescue her or maybe she has Cancer that’s undiagnosed so far. Whatever the case and we don’t know for sure, I think I would try to come at it from two different angles at the same time. First take her seriously when she has complaints, the way your daughter did when she called an ambulance, first she will feel validated when you take her complaints seriously and second it will entail more poking and prodding than she really want or feels she needs perhaps. Careful though, you aren’t trying to teach her a lesson you are listening to what she says and only take her to doctors if at face value her complaint warrants that, otherwise do whatever you would for yourself or better your daughter with the same complaint, you don’t want her to do a 180 and stop telling you when something is wrong. The other thing I would do specifically on the Cancer topic is the next time she brings it up, when you have the time, say ok we should get that checked out but what do you think is the worst that could happen if you do have Cancer? Then listen and ask questions she leads you to; “I will die” “I will become a burden” “It will be painful” etc. “Where do you want to draw the line? Treatment or comfort care?” “We will get professional help if you need it would you prefer to stay here or go to a hospital rehab facility?” Remind her all of this is speculative until she hears from a doctor that she does indeed have Cancer and what type of treatment she will need but having an idea of what she wants and more importantly doesn’t want in the event that happens will be helpful and make it less scary should that be the diagnosis (and hopefully less frightening now if it’s not so unknown). This also gives you a lead in to making sure all of her paperwork and wishes are in order, including a will if she needs it, because a Cancer diagnosis can create a whirlwind and there might not be time to make sure her wishes are in order. At 81 it’s a good idea anyway of course.

Whatever the case it will be far easier on you moving forward if she trusts you, trusts you to take her seriously, to do what’s best for her, to not make decisions without her as long as that’s possible and to represent her when it comes to doctors etc.so not arguing even if that simply means relying on what “the doctor said” or agreeing with her even when you know she’s wrong, will actually be far more beneficial for you. It’s not always easy but when you stop to think about it from where she might be it does make sense.

i know how hard this can be and can’t imagine adding in the loss of my father/ her husband so give yourself a bre

She sounds lonely and perhaps depressed. Big change losing a husband. Time alone gives her too much time to concentrate on aches and pains! Perhaps she needs some senior activities. A senior center? Daycare ? My mom spent many years after my Dad died {she was 70} chasing doctors and having tests..a few years later at 84 Lewy Body dementia reared its head and after the at home craziness started she finally she went to an assisted living facility. Now she tells me she has never felt so healthy! As her POA I worked with her doctor to remove many of the meds she was on. A med for everything. Even her dementia has improved. Sometimes meds have cognitive side effects. Less can be better. Good luck..no easy answers to aging parents.

anitaf5935 Will's aren't all they are cracked up to be. The main thing is to make sure she has TOD beneficiaries on any financial account she has, and TOD for any titles she has (or like for a car, if you can retitle it as JTWROS [Joint tenant with right of survivorship]). If you do that, you should be able to avoid probate.

If you don't have those things done, then perhaps you would need a will to approach the court to be made executor and have an estate account. But again, if all the beneficiaries are in place and titles are taken care of you shouldn't even need one.

I'm not a lawyer (nor do I play one on TV), but I am going through this with my dad's stuff. He DID consent to have a will done, and when talking with the attorney he gave me the above advice. So far, so good, and no need for an estate account. Everything has been moving along just fine. I'm in Washington state.

But, do meet with a lawyer in your state to see if they concur.

While all this physical workup is happening it is important that doctor knows all this and a mental evaluation is done; it can be passed off as part of a physical workup, but SHOULD be done. This is a little over the top to pass off as just grieving given the loss of your father occurred some two years ago, or as anxiety due to grieving. I am so sorry this is coming on top of the loss of your father, but it should be addressed. Meanwhile it is crucial that you have all paperwork done so that you can step in as POA for both medical and financial if you need to, and hopefully that has been done. Otherwise it should be done now. I wish you the best.

Sounds like mom has ample support with you next door and multiple loved ones looking in. She’s managing well so just let her be. Try to tune out the hypochondriac side of her. The vast majority of contributors on this site would caution that moving in would not be a pleasant experience.

Anxiety? New higher worsening anxiety?

Tiny skin mark - might be a melanoma! Minor headache - might be Glioma! Stomach pain - might be stage 4 pancreatic cancer!

I know folk with OCD & anxiety that live like this. That level of anxiety must be exhausting for them.

Bored? Lonely?

"When the therapist comes in, moms face brightens up and she turns into little miss sunshine!!"

As CountryMouse said: ".. get out of the house and not rely 100% on you for human contact?"

Rule out the cancer. Then add in more social connections? eg senior centre. Chatting to her Doctor about these 'symptoms' could be good too.

Leave her alone. And if she tells people bs about her health in general conversation, do not correct it unless you are directly asked by people who have a right to ask. It's not only not your problem, it's not your business.

It sounds like she's a bit bored, more than anything. Could she volunteer at an animal shelter or a library or something like that, just to get out of the house and not rely 100% on you for human contact?

anitaf5935, health is a big topic for us elders, especially those who are no longer working full-time at a career. With our peers we can compare notes, and it's a good conversation starter. Plus your Mom lost the love of her life just two years ago, she probably is still feeling lost.

Your Mom sounds like my Hubby [76] and his grown daughter [45]. Both are major hypochondriacs. To be honest, I was one at one time but weaned off of that.

For hubby a headache must be a brain tumor type of guy. There are days you'd think he was ready for his death bed. Usually when he acts like that I ask him what songs he want sung at his funeral. Or if he gets too overboard with the hypochondria, I say I am going to call 911, and lo and behold, he is feeling much better. He has an excellent primary doctor and specialists, thus not afraid of doctors or testing. It's just an attention getter for the past 20 years.

Hubby's grown daughter, who lives out-of-state, is about half way down the alphabet of the illnesses. I just roll my eyes as this beautiful young lady use to be a personal trainer, and marathon jogger. Again, it is an attention getter, also for the past 20 years that I have known her.

If this is dementia, and I think it is the beginning of it, DO NOT have her move in with you! It starts little, it ends big, and it's hell on earth. She's presently right next door, and you can take care of her, hire helpers, oversee everything until she has to go to memory care for her own safety and your peace of mind.

Dementia is not sweet little old ladies like you see in the ads for caregivers and care homes on TV. The journey is different for everyone but can include screaming all night every night, taking off their clothes and wandering out of the neighborhood, pooping in their pants and not realizing it, peeing in the corner after they take off their Depends, and yelling and accusing you of stealing their whatever. Also being afraid to take a shower and smelling up the house, forgetting how to swallow, spitting out the pills you give them, and turning on the stove burners, then forgetting they're on. Following you everywhere in the house, even into the bathroom. In other words, madness. In your house. Read the posts on here, and you'll learn about the frustration caregivers face when caring for their LOs who have become a total stranger that they couldn't have imagined. (And then again, you could be lucky and she never does any of these things, but you won't know that until she's dead.)

Please take care of yourself first, leave mom where she is, and enjoy life while you can.

For starters, you should absolutely NOT move her in with you. In fact, you should find her an AL or senior community to live in. It will be good for her.
I know exactly what you're going through with your mother's hypochondria. It's a game to get attention and to control your life. I got pulled into my mother's version of 'Deal or No Deal' which I renamed 'Cancer or No Cancer' years ago. The endless doctor collection. One specialist after another. Sometimes there would be four and five doctor appointments a week I was bringing her to. This went on for years. She is convinced that she has cancer. She has been actively dying since I was six years old.
I'm 50 now.
My mother's hypochondria was actually, literally killing me. I could not take the hysterics and histrionics anymore. So about a year and a half or so ago, I gave up. What happened is I just lost it with her at one of her doctor's appointments and in front of her doctor. He totally understood and told my mother it would be better if I did not come in. He was right. I will not take her to another doctor's appointment. I will not communicate with her doctors and have instructed all of them that they are not to call me. Call my sibling.
The more attention you give to your mother's insistence that she has cancer nonsense, the worse it will get. You will be bringing her to a specialist every day and it will wear you down to the point where you will also lose it with her.
Inform her that you will no longer be handling her medical affairs and that a hired homecare aide will be bringing her to whatever appointments she makes for herself.
The hypochondria can be a form of dementia. I have seen this with seniors that had a dementia diagnosis. More likely she does it for attention like my mother does. The only socialization she will participate in is going to a doctor's appointment.
You have to cut her off the second she starts with it. The only attention you should give it is to tell her that she doesn't have cancer and that you will not discuss it further. When she starts complaining about her health tell her that you refuse to listen to her complain. The walk away and ignore her. I do not tolerate abusive complaining. You should not either.
Please, for your sake do not pulled into playing your mother's health drama games.

My FIL developed hypochondria after his father died suddenly of a heart attack. He was convinced that he was going to die young and kept coming up with symptoms to take to doctor appointments. Someone once said that hypochondria is an acute fear of death. FIL's hypochondria started in his 40's and continued all of his life. He ended up at the Mayo Clinic where he was told he was fine and later did the same thing at the place in Birmingham. He was sure his death was imminent for decades. He did develop dementia later after some surgeries in his 70's.

The first time I met my FIL he told me that he didn't have long to live, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

You have received excellent responses. I will add that, yes, hypochondria was the early phase of my mom’s dementia. She was forever googling the most minor of “symptoms” and finding the worst possible “diagnosis” and then insisting that she had that illness. I was SO worried that she had cancer. I put together a team of specialists for her. We went to 62 doctor appointments in 52 weeks. She had every test and scan any of them could think of. (Thank goodness for her excellent insurance!) Not a single doctor found anything wrong with her, except lactose intolerance. Nothing any doctor ever told her reassured her. I finally got her in to see the top geriatric psychiatrist in our area, and he sent her for cognitive testing. First, that testing showed MCI. Now her diagnosis has progressed to mid-stage dementia, probable Alzheimer’s disease.

Have her doctor administer a MoCA or SLUMS cognitive exam to determine if she does have dementia going on. Once a dementia sufferer gets a thought stuck in their head, you can't chop it out of there with an AXE. The stomach cancer thought loop MAY be the first sign you're seeing that dementia has set in.

I wouldn't be moving mom in until it was absolutely 100% mandatory to do so, either.

Good luck.

Ask her what it would take to prove to her that she doesn't have cancer, considering she has already been to other doctors and still is fixated on this notion. It may be that nothing will convince her and she has some sort of OCD going on, which could be from the beginnings of dementia. I would take her in for a neuropsychologist or cognitive exam and find this out as well so that you know what you're dealing with.

Are you her DPoA? If she wishes for you to help her as she ages, she should assign you this legal authority, otherwise you will be in for a world of hassle trying to help her...especially if she doesn't want to cooperate with what is best for her.

Please read posts under the topic Burnout on this forum so that you can *very carefully* consider having her move in with you rather than her going into an AL care facility where there willl things for her to do, and you will have your independence.

Has she had a FULL exam lately?
If, after a full physical the DOCTOR tells her she does not have cancer that might make a difference. You telling her she does not have cancer does not have the impact that the doctor telling her the same thing would.
Her focus on cancer may also be a manifestation of depression, if your dad died 2 years ago she may still be in a grief mode and being alone is sad.
Is there an Adult Day Program she would go to or are there activities at the local Senior Center that she would get involved with?
Before you encourage her to move in with you I urge you to take an hour or two and read some of the posts of people that have had a parent move in with them , or they move in with a parent. If later you feel that she can not live alone is your house or hers set up for a person with mobility problems? (can a walker or wheelchair be used safely and easily? Are there stairs? Wide halls? Walk in shower? just to list a few)
Would she be a better candidate for Assisted Living? and a facility that also has Memory Care if she does indeed have dementia?