I am packing up Parent's house solo. They both passed in 2022: My Dad in Jan & my Mom: day after Christmas. Diff emotions around both. Working thru via articles, YouTubes, chats with my Sister, almost daily. My Mom is hopefully at peace now. Decades of Alcoholism, Mania, Borderline, NPD...tail end Early Onset. Damaging behaviors. She was never nice or close to the Stepsis & 2 Stepbros.
She passed in their home via accident. She was not limber & had a fall. Only 79. Had she been exercising ...would have had years ahead of her.
I used to share selectively that she was a Hoarder but not quite what you see on TLC. You could walk in & out of every room, but every drawer & closet was jam packed. Well, that is an understatement. Shocking to say the least. Rude awakening every day I am there. I have supplies & a system. To help my brain I make a "to do list." So much to take in & process. Before long I will have Junk King and another company dropping a roll off dumpster truck which I will have for a week...to dump trash into.
So, I spent 3 days there within a week.
Last Monday, spent 5 hrs there- up-back home (2 hr drive each way). This past weekend, I "worked" there on Fri 5.5, stayed overnight in a hotel, and back up for 5 more hrs on Sat.
Every drawer & closet & cupboard is chalk full of items that don't go together... could not even walk into her master closet: clothes piled high on the floor-many new-with receipts, bags, tissue paper...greeting cards-boxes of them. To clear & properly bag the floor contents will take countless hours. And, every drawer I open has notes, and toys, and a hard candy, rubber bands.. an important document or 5. So, I have to sift thru everything with a fine tooth comb.
Wild insight into her mental illnesses-NPD mindset. A tough physical job I have in front of me: pull together what is trash, what is donate, what is keepsake...
I keep one foot in front of the other. If she watching me do what I am doing...she would be screaming & cussing at me. "Do not touch that drawer. You are so intrusive." My Dad would say "Wow. Thank You Dear. You are welcome to help anytime!"
Not letting my Sis & her Hubs come out from AZ until end of next month to help. One of her Daughters is about to have a baby. I am good doing this grunt work, but it is physically & mentally taxing.. You all would be shell shocked. Back up on Thursday for the day. Back that night. I will do a hotel stay once a month so I can do 2 days back to back.
No rush on it, and yet the sooner I get done, I can put more of this behind me ...and feel more free. I still feel in chains. She would love that....
I'm a senior whose mom luckily kept as little as possible rather than have to dust it, keep track of it, or misplace it. Everything she had was used pretty regularly or gone.
Growing up I thought we were either Japanese or Swedish for all the clear sightlines except for the tasteful but very sparsely placed treasured 5 or 6 select items per room. All drawers and closets were not crowded. My parent's storage bin only held some luggage, a couple of beach chairs, a beach umbrella and winter coats during summers.
Every few weeks I cull, throw out, donate, or give away. Oh, the thrill of seeing an empty draw and emptying shelves that once had 100's of books.
It's very liberating.
My in-laws on the other hand, may their sweet souls rest-in-peace. It was a cruel and sad punishment to be left with that mountainous collection of broken bits and pieces of nothing.
I love IKEA but have to ban myself from more than 1 visit a year.. way too many things come home. I am a bit of a Bowerbird - seem to collect & keep bits of this & that catch my eye.
You are right about leaving mountains for others (I love the way you put it). Unfortunately I think too many leave clearing out just too long, until they can no longer do it. 😔
I called numerous estate sale companies but they weren't interested unless the items were high end collectables. Guess the items had to sit in the White House or one of the Queen's palaces before they would even ring the door bell :P
One day I need to have a plumber out to fix a problem, and he remarked about my parent's very old curve glass china cabinet. I could tell he was drawn to antiques. The cabinet wasn't a passed down family heirloom, so I just gave the cabinet him. He was so happy, and that made me feel good.
Also, I had a handyman who I knew, help me clear out Dad's workshop, and attic. I had already took home some of Dad's tools to my house, and offered the handyman whatever tools he would want.
Salvation Army came out for the rest of the furniture, but only took what was on the main floor, they couldn't go upstairs because of the U shape of the stairs due to a risk of damaging wall because of the stairs.
I was selling the house "as is" as the thought of remodeling was too time consuming, and a contract eventually came in and the buyer [who was a flipper] said it was ok to leave whatever I had left in the house, he would take care of it. I should have taken up his option to leave what furniture and misc. and rest of the garage stuff that I hadn't clean out, as I was mentally exhausted.
Oh, on good weather days, one can also put out on curbside with a note saying free. That also worked for me.
Good luck, I know what you are going through.
Shows me the internal struggle my Mom was experiencing. Saddens me to think she felt everything was important to keep. Decades old expired credit cards in those baseball trading card type of albums with the transparencies. Shoeboxes full of greeting cards. 8 place settings of beautiful "Eternal" Lennox China never unboxed... receipts...scraps of paper...little toys..rubber bands & tongue depressors used as book marks...collections of so much of all of everything. Tons of silverware...every kitchen drawer was a junk drawer...little toys...paper clips...a million light bulbs.. on & on & on
.... Mindblowing.. but starting to feel I am making a small dent.. Hopefully not losing days of life doing this... I have 15 legal boxes of books loaded up for 1st donation at the local library end of month. Going to be handful of mos of loading up these boxes until I get all of them out... My Sis will come end of next month..but I want to have a handful of days there prior to her visit.. so we can work on garage..and part of her master closet.... So many emotions...most of them are sadness-some anger--resentment...but then understanding that she didn't have the capacity to purge.. I have to move forward ...knowing I am doing what needs to be done...
One thing I've learned is that nothing is important enough to keep around just to clutter up your life. Take a photo of things that remind you of a good time or place, then toss it! I actually carry a lot of resentment, though, for "things" as they have always been more important to her than her kids, her husband, real life...
Another solo house-emptier here. My only regret was not walking around with a camera to document the sheer amount of stuff to deal with. Childhood home, 40 years lived in, outbuildings and six storage units filled to the brim . I hired some helpers plus a charity - bless them!!! - and sole sibling did nothing but take items she wanted. Didn’t even take a scrap of paper to the recycle bin, she did nothing!
It was emotionally so hard as dad’s death was horrible, mom was sliding into dementia, and of course every scrap of childhood was there. Not to mention laundry receipts from the 50’s, bank statements from a great grandmother, I mean for gods’ sake!! Everything.
I developed my own method and it sounds like you’ve got yours, so no advice. Except watch your back, literally. I was careful not to lift heavy things of course, but the sheer AMOUNT of stuff I had to shift around did a number on my back for a little while.
The whole experience sucked but like you I knew it would suck and decided to plow through the Beast of Task of Awfulness and that’s what I did! Dove in and finished! Worked hard and fast, and wasn’t martyring myself - there was simply no other person to lead on that huge project! I did indulge in mango smoothies near daily plus one shot of whisky at the end of the day from their liquor cabinet ( which of course had to be cleared out )
In hindsight I’m really pissed that my entire immediate family led such big lives and then left the literal mess from their big lives behind for me to clean up. Like la-de-da life has been great now you get to clean it up , sweetie drudge. Boooo!!!
One thing I came away with was realizing that people do leave their crap behind for me to clean up - two exes and a roomate did that too - but on a funny note it’s cured me of having problems decluttering my own space now. I’m downright neurotic about Stuff now. Also, when people ask for volunteers for junk or garbage community cleanups I’m like ABSOLUTELY NOT! I’m through with cleaning up after other peoples’ careless messes! My volunteer stuff is more about animals and weeding invasive species and that sort of thing. After this monumental task you might feel the same way lol
Excuse the long answer but boy I feel ya. Been there!! Sending you another high five, a hug, and a mango smoothie. You’ve got this!!
Look thru all pockets. In books, albums. My Aunt squirreled her money in books and albums next to her chair. My cousin found $3000 when she cleaned out. My boss was asked to get some clothes out of a friends apt who had just gone into a NH. Boss found $400 in friends coat pocket.
I love cleaning out other peoples houses. If I knew years ago what I do now, I may have done it as a business.
You can schedule pick up date online.
Your words validated my approach! "Also, I tried really hard to do the “touch it once” rule. Once I touched something, it was either keep, donate, or toss, and not touch again."
I have been "doing" this technique, because time is so precious. I'd like to live thru this experience & legit ring in the New Year..
Hopefully by Spring...
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