Can a person with dementia change their personality depending on who they are with?

Maybe it is you she feels safe enough to let her hair down with. She knows that you are going to love her no matter what so she doesn't have to try as hard with you ... maybe. Does that seem to fit?

It is hard to feel flattered, though, isn't it, when you'd appreciate her trying a little harder for you!

Could that caregiver come in several mornings a week, perhaps through the lunch hour? That would give you some mornings to work uninterrupted. I had a PCA come in at 9:30. It was so nice to get some work done (I worked from home, too) and to have him all dressed and ready for breakfast (which she cooked) before he greeted him in the morning!

If attending church with your husband is important to you, maybe getting a caregiver for that time, and maybe even for a time for you and hubby to go out afterwards for brunch, would be a good investment. You need to protect your marriage and recharge your own batteries, too.

Also you can try enforcing some rules. On Sundays Mom must be up by a certain time, so you can have her ready to go to church with you. The other days she can sleep until 10:30 if she wants to, but not Sundays. Not too many rules, and nothing complicated, but a few simple rules shouldn't be impossible to enforce.

Look up "showtiming" in dementia. Many persons with dementia can put on a good act for a limited period of time. It is not a change in personality, but a case of putting their best foot forward. Most past an early to moderate stage can no longer bring this off, but before that many are even able to fool doctors.

My Mom can definitely fool doctors and everyone else! She's the sweetest saintliest old lady they've every met. They have no idea.

I like Jeanne's suggestions, if you have more days of the week that an event happens - like the caregiver coming - where she has to pull herself together that might be good for her and make things easier on you.

Thanks so much for these suggestions! I appreciate being able to "sound off" and get helpful advice:-) SUCCESS! I was able to find a qualified woman from our church to come in 3 days per week and care for Mom. This starts in May. I'm very excited. I will report how things are going. I got to thinking about why Mom is so different when she's with the caregiver. I believe her brain is stimulated as well. I've been told by her dr that her brain is a muscle, just like any other muscle in the body. If not used, it begins to shrink and dementia worsens.

Of course they can! Even the ones without dementia do it - it's part of their arsenal of how to survive daily life. They have become beyond clever at their manipulations and lies and know how to play people.......and this is only compounded and made more evident if they have narcissism. They will tell who they wish whatever suits them.
If my mother wants sympathy from her friend, when the friend calls, she will answer with a horrible croaky voice "Oh hello Betty, I just don't know what's wrong with me today, my throat is just awful" which suddenly disappears after about at minute. Then it's on to the next phone call to the government health agency with a voice that is totally authoritative and demanding.
They can wangle doctors, health care workers, people at the bank, grocery etc. into getting whatever they want. I have seen them butting into lines at the grocery, shortchanging people at the register and always trying to get something for nothing.
I hate to say this but older people who behave in this manner really make me dislike them -- a LOT!!!
She is treating you this way because she WANTS to. Isn't it amazing how they pop back to life when someone comes in to see them? That's because it's someone they want to impress. You will find that they have a different "telephone" voice with others than in normal life. Mine is concerned with her image of herself and must do the right thing at all times, for example, make sure she writes thank you cards immediately, returns phone calls, etc. and her house always had to look perfect. This is because they want others to have that perception of themselves.
But because you and I are their caregivers they feel that they can let down their guard because we see them every day and they feel that we "don't matter" to them. If she is holding any perceived "slights" against you, you will be on her hit list and nothing you will do will ever be right by her. You could bend over backwards catering to her every need but there will always be something wrong with what you do.
I bought mine a beautiful new nightgown for her birthday and it was opened and thrown back in my lap with "is there something wrong with your head? you know I only wear pajamas" !!!
Also I hate to harp on it but if you check out the threads on narcissism, you will see how they use triangulation (separating their relationship with you from their relationship with your sibling(s) ) and see that you are the scapegoat or whipping boy and your sibling is the golden boy. She would NEVER put herself in a bad light in front of HIM, because she wants him to think that she's the paragon of motherhood!! Plus she probably tells him all your business, and in conversations with him finds out all his, but she will never share any information about him with you - because she could be blamed for that if he didn't like it.
You have just summed up my life!!
Try to do as I do, find a few things that give you a little joy every day, do little things for you, get out as often as you can - and - most important - realize that you will never be important to her, as harsh as that sounds, and as hard as you are working. It is a thankless job for which you will never be appreciated.
I'm very sorry, but this is the reality. It will not go on forever and I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world, for you are trying to do the right thing and be a good person. I know you are . Hugs!!

Unfortunately seven13 sums it up for me too. My mother-in-law could change at the drop of the hat too. The caregiver (you) has an extremely difficult job as it is, and it's even more difficult when the elder has medical problems and/or Dementia or Alzheimers too. Just know you're doing your best and don't beat yourself up. She's sick and not the same person she was unfortunately. I had to remind myself that ALL THE TIME because it's hard. And definitely try not to let it affect your marriage if you can. Start setting boundaries and such, and if they aren't met - then start looking for other alternatives, i.e. moving to her an assisted living facility. If she's not up when you get ready to go to church - if she can be left alone - then leave her there by herself if she's not ready. If she wants to go, she'll start getting ready faster. But if she's moved in an AL facility, they will wake her up for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And there will be activities with people her age that she can participate in if she wants and make new friends. But now that someone will be coming over in May three times a week, she will need to "get with it" more often too and hopefully that will help too. Good luck!!

I agree with Jeannegibbs, check out "showtiming". I lost my mom in January, but the Lewy Body dementia she was afflicted with had been working on her for years. I had no idea until the hallucenations started in October. Three months later she was gone. I cared for her for 32 yrs, and believe me I use to wonder what in the world was going one. She would be perfectly fine talking to my older sister. Same with the dr. visits. THen with me, it was totally different. She would get sick and depend on me totally. When I was told she had Lewy Body Dementia I got educated right away. When I read about the "Showtime" effect I couldn't believe it...It was like I wrote the story. I cam to realize mom had no control over it, it was the disease. I am so thankful I was able to get educated and I understood what was happening. It helped me those last three months of mom's life. I actually felt priviledged knowing that mom was obviously very comfortable with me. (This was what I gathered from the info I read). Get as much education as you can, it helps you cope. I'm so happy you are getting outside help. That really was a lifesaver for me. Cherish the time you have with your mom. Believe me you won't have any regrets, especially on the days your tears stream down your face when she's gone. Take care.

to other people, my grandpa is very nice old man and compliant but when I am caring for him, he gets mad if I tell/remind/offer assistance to help him brush his teeth, give him a bath, prepare his food, etc he gets cranky, not the same old man that he shows to other people.

I was interested to read this. My mother certainly treated me different (better) than she did my sisters. And would even turn into the entertainer at a doctor's visit.

seven13, I'd like to propose a modification to your statement. Of course some can!

Caregivers on this site seem to be caring for at least three distinct populations: 1) Persons with impairments due to some physical condition, such as lung disease, cancer, blindness, etc. 2) Persons with Narcissism and 3) Persons with dementia. I'm not sure whether persons with mental illness such as bipolar disorder should be a 4th group or included with group 2 or 3. My point is just that I don't think there is a one-size-fits all description that covers everyone in one of the groups, let alone everyone in all groups.

I believe that the driving forces behind the behavior of someone with Narcissism are quite different from the forces behind demented behavior.

I notice if I suggest something to my mom she will do it moreso than if I tell/remind or offer. Try suggestion caregiver75104. Sometimes different ways of communicating letting them make a decision can help.Maybe your GF feels like he is losing everything but is trying to hold onto being able to make decisions. IMO Blessings!