Proposal to move in with MIL for a financial win/win? Is it a solution or potential disaster?

Ok, we all age differently. My friend is 70 and acts and looks like a 35 year old. So, take age/number out of the equation. As I said everyone ages and we age differently. If only I had a drop of my friends water of life. (whatever the saying is)

The question is, "Fiance". Perhaps, you can speed up the wedding vows and have the marriage at your future MIL's home and save on expense, get the marriage license from the court, find a pastor or someone ,Captain of a ship to marry you in your MIL home and do talk about your family and friends coming over. Then do sit down with MIL and talk about the chores, what is and what is not expected or accepted. Do include her in many of your events. Do tell her you still have date night once a month, and wink. :) Look, life is an adventure, if you can and are willing to try it, why not? It sounds like a win/win. Know that everyone needs a bit of space, including her, your future husband, and you of course. Maybe you can find activitivies to do together outside the home. Know that it is her home. How does your future husband feel about it? I would try to get the marriage certificate and wedding plans in place if at all possible. MIL may feel really happy about helping you plan it and picking out the cake, and all the fun stuff. You don't need a fancy wedding for the 2nd marriage do you? Fun and happy vows and your first authentic party at your new home . Happy !!

I vote no. Trust your instincts!

Also, she is not your MIL yet. Until you're actually married, why take on any responsibility for his mom?

I'm 65. Most of my friends are in their early to mid 70s. Those who are retired (some are still working, because they love what they do) are quite active. They all have extensive volunteer gigs at museums, concert halls, houses of worship. Not one sits home watching television and relying on their children for entertainment.

There is something mentally "off" about your boyfriend's mother. She needs to be seen by a mental health professional.

Everything has a price. You will pay a price greater than just rent if you move in there however you will have more discretionary income and that can make a big difference in a persons life. Try a slow transition first, spending more and more time there while maintaining your own apartment. Then give it time. It takes awhile to see what things will really be like, and even then... you don't really know till your living under someone else's roof. But then again she needs you financially and emotionally. You need her financially. It might work out very well for both of you. Proceed with caution, and if worse comes to worse, and you don't like living there you get your own place again.

Let's look at the financial aspect.

You pay half the mortgage, boyfriend pays other half. Mom pays nothing?

When mom dies, who is the house left to?

If mom needs to go on Medicaid, lien is placed on the house that you have been sinking money into.

You are getting no equity for your money.

If you need financial advice, try Dave Ramsey or www.bogleheads.org for better ways to manage this situation.

While the proposed living arrangements seem like they could be beneficial now, what about the future? What if she needs help (beyond companionship for her loneliness) in the future? Who pays for food, utilities, upkeep, etc.?

Has your fiance been married before? Did he live with his mother before moving in with you two years ago?

Does your fiance have siblings? Are they close to their mother, also? Or is it your fiance who is expected to take care of their mother? Beware...

If you've lived with your fiancé for two years, he sees his mother 3 times a week and she calls round to your home a further twice a week, and you still don't know her well enough to take your shoes off in front of her and be yourself in your own home...

It's not promising, is it?

How come she's still paying a mortgage aged 70? Is this a reverse mortgage or was she a slow starter?

I wouldn't say it couldn't work, but I think you need to get a lot of straight answers to important questions before you make this into an actual plan.

No

Does your fiance work? Or would it actually be you pay half and he AND mom pay half?

Is there a cultural thing here? Because this is where I see a problem. You r not married to this man. He already sees Mom 3x a week and she drops in 2x. Will she end up being everything to him? Will ur needs be considered?

Remember...This is her house, her rules. I would make sure that you make it very clear what you expect out of this arrangement. Exactly what you said here. And make sure she understands this arrangement is working both ways, she is profiting too.

I also wonder why a 70 yr old has a Mortgage? Have everything in writing.

I will have a mortgage when I'm 70 (took it out at age 48, refi'ed several times for lower interest rates). But I have the funds to pay it off; that money is earning at least twice the mortgage rate.

It's that she has a mortgage that she seems to not be able to afford. That is a signal that she should be living someplace less expensive, not that her kids should move in.

Her son is home at the apartment when she drops by 2X a week? Does he work? Work from home?

I don't know that the mother is seeking help with the mortgage - could be that OP and fiancé proposed it, seeing as they'd both still be better off in terms of housing costs than they are now.

What you're doing - BB - is an investment! For my parents, it was incompetence and apathy, is probably why I'm twitchy about it.

Yrslz80, I know the sound of moving in with future Mom-in-law sounds great financial, there is an emotional issue.

Once your fiance is back under the roof with his Mom, Mom once again becomes the "parent" and your fiance becomes the "child". You will find that Mom knows best regarding cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. even if your way makes more sense. Then Mom will feel you are in intruder. I hope I am wrong, but from other writers on this website I have read more and more serious issues after there is a parent under the same roof.

Your fiance's Mom need to go out an do volunteer work as Barb had mentioned. I am older than your future Mom-in-law and I do both [work and volunteer]. I am a shy person but this works for me. Find out what Mom-in-law is passionate about and see if any volunteers are needed. Volunteering is such a feel-good moment :)

FF, not everyone is a joiner. I'm not. I really don't like being obligated to something every week at a certain time. I might wake up that day and not want to do anything. I also don't expect my children to be everything to me. Which I think is what is going to happen here.

Yrsliz, what are u going to do if this does not work out. Do u have enough money to leave? Or are u going to be stuck in a situation u can't get out of.

In defense of Barb's statement about his mom being "off" - what is off is her inability to fully emotionally separate from her kids. That she expects her son to move back in with her to alleviate her loneliness indicates that she doesn't see him as a adult with a life. You have reason to be terrified - she is putting the burden of her happiness squarely upon her son, and by extension, on you. She doesn't want to go out and create a life - take a class, volunteer, go to the senior center. She wants to keep her life of watching TV, but she wants you two to provide company and entertainment. She will co-opt your friends, rather than making her own friends.

Many of us have had this burden put upon us, of having a parent make us responsible for their entertainment, happiness, quality of life. It will suffocate you, damage your spirit and will damage your relationship with your fiance. You will get into toe to toes with him over her - you want a weekend away with him, he feels bad not inviting Mom. When you assume responsibility for a parent's well being and quality of life so early, by the time the parent develops health issues, you're already burned out.

At your age (I have a pair of jeans older than you), 70 seems elderly. To those of us in that age vicinity, being 70 means still taking classes, going out with friends, walking in the breast cancer walk, volunteering and, well, still active and vital. She can certainly choose to be a hermit, but don't let her choose that for you two.

IF you do this there are a few things to think about.
You will help pay a mortgage...what are you going to get if you break up? If you were to buy a house at least you would have the ability to get back what you have paid when the house is sold. Yes I realize that you get nothing if you continue to rent but this is helping someone else pay off a house.

How much time will you have to yourselves?
This will still be HER house.
How much care giving will you be expected to do if and when she needs it.
She is still pretty young and this could be a long road a head of you. (70 may not seem young to you but there may be a 10 to 20 years left in the "old girl") Are you up for that?

If you decide to do this it might be a good idea to get a "rental" agreement written what she expects from the two of you and what you expect. This is sort of like any other "room mate" or "house sharing".

I wouldn't do it, nope. My mother is 92 with more issues than Newsweek and has been in need of LOTS of care for the past 8 years. She doesn't even live with me and I cannot begin to tell you just HOW involved I've been in her care giving; the hospital visits, the ER visits, the various doctor & specialist visits, the rehabs, the Assisted Living Facilities, now the nursing home tours, the ordering of Depends, the meetings, the phone calls, the chaos in general. It's endless, it's exhausting, it takes up almost ALL of my spare time and definitely every drop of my emotional energy. I could write a book on the subject, but rather than bore you with the fourteen million details involved in caring for the elderly, I'll just recommend strongly that you NOT do it. There is no amount of money on earth that's going to pay you back for the real cost.

Best of luck.

There is a lot of good advice here. Take it! My vote is not only NO but Hell NO!

First, as others have said, it is her house, it will be her rules. Your boyfriend is already too attached to his mommy, they are seeing each other 5 days a week out of 7.

I am going to be 85 in a few days. At her age I was still working. 70 is not old.

I had my mother live with me and it helped break up that marriage. Most houses are not big enough for two women, and it will always be her home.

If you are still unsure, why don't you just stay there for a month or two, keep your apartment, see how it goes.

You are not married to this man, I don't know why, but that alone is a red flag for me. You will have no rights at all.

Please think long and hard before doing this.

"She is at risk of depression from her loneliness and just hitting the big 70 last month. I would also feel guilty being a factor to her loneliness and depression."

Why are you feeling like you are responsible in any way for her mental state?

For many, many, many reasons, don't do it. Money is the worst reason to move into and help pay for a house on which your name does not appear on the deed. Your gut is saying "no, don't" and you should listen to it. It will always be her house until the day she dies. She's only 70 and you might be her roomie another 20+ years. Kiss your sex life and social life goodbye because she's way too needy and do you really think she's going to respect boundaries or privacy in her own home???

Trust your gut. Always.

Is it a possiblity that she could sell the home that is too big and too expensive for her now and find a senior apartment to rent? She would have more of a chance to meet other people her age just within the apartment complex plus she wouldn't have to worry about any upkeep indoors or out.
As far as moving in with her I think it would put a huge strain on your relationship. What if she starts to act out prior to a long planned vacation so that you don't go? I have had this happen with my mother a few years ago and it put a major damper on that vacation. Or doesn't like friends over (my mother) unless it is a relative.
I agree about it being a struggle to house two women in one house that have each been the captains of their own ships. My mother is just now starting to let me do dishes or laundry or just about any normal household chore without telling me how I'm doing it wrong. Imagine if she wouldn't say anything directly to you but complained to your significant other? Effectivly putting him in the position of having to choose. Since you are not married and do not have any type of contractual obligation with her it would really put you at a disadvantage.

Yr, I'm curious if you came up with this plan or if fiance did?

And does the verbiage about YOU contributing to her depression come from you independently or elsewhere?

Do a trial run first for a few weeks before you make a real move. Some people have great caregiving experiences with nice, pleasant, grateful caregivees.  Most of those folks don't have as much need to post on here.  :-)

Another option to think about is to make a time-limited arrangement, perhaps for a year. You keep your finances separate – you pay rent, you have a caring agreement under which that she pays you for services that you give her. She pays the mortgage. You can sort out the amounts so that there are benefits both ways. But get it in writing, both for Medicaid and to clarity.

Sharing might work out, it might not. Start off with a clear time limit and a clear future plan for when you leave (with luck because you have saved some money and got married). You can always change your mind and stay, but if leaving was the original arrangement it should make it a lot easier to go – it doesn’t have to be because you feel it’s failed. If you decide to stay indefinitely, sort out the house ownership then.

OY! YOu know that ...they have said I believe it is the Chinese symbol for crisis is a combination of danger and opportunity...or similar. I just did a continuing ed program on the impact of loneliness and isolation on older adults, the impact on health and physical well-being. What the goal is, would be a win/win. At a minimum...you all seem to win from a financial angle...but the smoldering angst at not being able to have the freedom and comfort to do what you want when you want...those are high stakes that could wear you down...at a point where you may have no place else to retreat. Maybe you and fiance need to have a "granny flat" for yourselves on her property? Could you save up enough to do some renovations so that you would have your own separate suite within the house, make it clear from the onset that you needed your own space and privacy...i.e. that is that even if you move in to benefit all financially, she still needs to have her own life and friends and you and your fiance are not the be-all end-all just due to proximity. You don't mention MIL having health issues..seems like there is no reason for her not to volunteer or find some other task to occupy her time...

There are a few things here that aren't clear to me. First, you and fiance have been living together for 2 years but you haven't spent much time with his mom or gotten to know her very well? I'm assuming she doesn't live too far away has this been your choice or have you just not been invited since he visits her 2-3 times a week and she visits him twice a week? To start with I would suggest you start visiting her with him and be around whenever possible when she visits your house so that you can all get a feel for how each household runs and if there is any possibility the two could be blended. Maybe even pop in on her yourself sometimes w/o fiance and establish a one on pone relationship with each other.

The other thing I find a bit curious is the idea that you and your fiance/husband (whenever that happens) would be splitting the mortgage cost on mom's house in return for being there to care for her...do I have that right? I understand it works out to be less than you are paying now but I'm not sure I see equity or long term upside of living in mom's house, caring for her and paying the bills...I think perhaps some discussions about how this can be made equitable for everyone and protect your futures. If mom ended up needing full time skilled care of some sort and moved to a facility would you then need to leave the home you have been paying for and established? These discussions should include fiance's siblings of course too because they would be the ones to disagree with things in the future if anyone would. Seems to me you and fiance are talking about doing a huge service for the family and people shouldn't loose sight of this, it might be a little different for fiance/son/brother even though he is still giving a lot of himself but especially for you, this is a sacrifice even if it is a willing one. Things like turning the house over to the two of you or giving you "life time" use, maybe putting a private mortgage on the house to cover you and husband (I'm assuming by then) from having it sold out from under you and or giving you back some of the equity you will have into it when the estate is settled. You might consult an Estate Attorney and if possible one versed in Elder Care prep as well. Something should be formalized to protect you in the event you live there for the next 10-15 years caring for mom and paying the bills, raising your family. But I wouldn't push for these money details to be set up until you and mom have spent enough "practice" time together to know setting up house together is going to be doable. This means knowing that you and fiance can live your lives not curtail them and that mom can too.

You might start even with encouraging his mom to interact outside of her sons. Maybe a class, a senior center once or twice a week, maybe a group of some sort or reestablishing contact with old friends or making new ones in her neighborhood. Maybe you should start making contacts in the neighborhood and then finding a way to include her (perhaps there are other families around with couples your age and parents in the same house or nearby or helping to care for grandchildren.

Quite simple actually.
You don't have a peace! Don't do it!
Loneliness at this degree is like a black hole for the one suffering with it. Not only will you have to give up enjoying elements of your life, the rest will be sucked into this black hole. You two can find an alternative to your living arrangement.

I vote yes, with boundaries. If it works better financially, why not give it a try. Put stipulations in writing, i.e. who will do what cooking, cleaning chores, etc. Make agreements with your partner regarding some evenings, weekends away. Also is he going to inherit the house.
My mother, (88 yo) moved into our home & is paying our mortgage in return for my caregiving to her. Yes I'm 65 & we will have a mortgage for a long time yet. We are 1 year into the arrangement & so far so good, with a few ups and downs, but nothing insurmountable.
I still work part time so that keeps my sanity.
I say give it a trial run.

Disaster. It’s HER home, not yours.

Personally, starting a new life with my fiancé/husband would not include helping a MIL continue or finish hers. She’s had her life to live, you’re only 38 - time to create your own life not be burdened with another’s.

And she relies on him for her happiness? What happens as she becomes needier? Is she the priority over you?

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you might be sacrificing your life and future happiness for her. If you’re willing to do that then I really do wish you the best. This isn’t something I would do but I’m not in your situation so grain of salt and all that 🤷🏼‍♀️