Has been for about 3 years. She wants to come home but I cannot care for her as I am 97 years old and can barely take care of myself. I am debt free and have Medicare and a military pension. I do see her about an hour each day. I have 2 daughters and a son that helps when needed. They want her kept where she is. What shall I do?
What do YOU want to do?
Are you okay with visiting her each day.
Since you stated that you can not physically care for her on your own, can you afford to hire a home health aid service that provides a day and night assistant?
If you can not afford 24/7 health care aides it is likely best to leave her in the facility and visit her, as you have already been doing?
None of us can imagine what it must be like to be seperated from your love of 71 years. I am so sorry that there are no facilities where both of you could live together, even if in different rooms. Our society has some learning to do. What a beautiful heart you have and I admire that you can go see her so often. From the bottom of my heart, I wish there was a solution now. Do take care of yourself, you are the best thing that can happen to her in a day and I am sure she feels your love and would want you to take care of yourself also. You both are in my prayers.
Your 'kids' love you so listen to them - I bet if you even had her there for overnight that you would be so exhausted it would take a week to get over it & she would be upset & want to go home which now is where she is now living
Love,
Llamalover47
If your wife has bee in this particular facility for 3 years that is "home" to her. She is where she is take care of, she is safe. You can be a husband to her not a caregiver 24/7.
As has been mentioned there are some facilities that will allow a spouse to reside with the resident. Also if you are connected with the VA if you are eligible for one of the VA houses it is possible that you could move there together. I know some of the facilities require a % of "service connected disability" it might be worth contacting the VA to ask about that.
As to bringing your wife home you would need someone 24/7 to help you.
It really sounds like a good option would be to find a facility where you both could stay. If she wanders you would have to select a Memory Care section, if she is not wandering you could probably do Assisted Living but just know she may begin to wander. (If she is able to walk)
Also, your wife has dementia. She cannot be on her own. Her care requires 24/7 supervision. She cannot be left unsupervised. Because she will get herself into trouble, leave the house, burn down the kitchen, or whatever else problems she could find herself. As hard as it is on your emotionally, please leave her in her care center. She needs you to be able to come visit her as frequently as you do. Considering her memory issues, you might just change the subject when she brings up coming home. You might consider the woman she used to be. I hope think if she didn't have dementia, she would understand that coming home isn't an option.
What kind of facility is she in. Is it strictly memory care or is there an assisted living area? You said you're debt free and have available pensions. You also said you can barely take are of yourself. Would you consider moving to an assisted living community with a memory care floor so you could both live in the same place but have different rooms?
It would mean giving up your home, but you would be together.
Is your wife engaging with anyone at the facility? Do they encourage her to go to some activities? I went to play bingo with my mom. And she had macular degeneration so one of the aides would sit with her and help her.
Listen to your kids. They’re looking out for you and their mom. Come back and let us know how you’re doing.
If you are missing her, have you considered spending more than an hour a day with her? I don't mean this as an obligation, but if it would give you some comfort to be with her more, doing it where there is help immediately available would be safer and less stressful than bringing her home.
Honestly, it takes a village inside a nursing home to take care of your wife. You only see one hour of that, thus do not see everything that is needed behind the scenes.
I assume your grown children, some whom are probably seniors themselves [times flies], are helping you alone at home when needed. It would be way too much to ask your grown children to help take care of you and take care of their Mom. They would crash and burn from the exhaustion.
My own Mom was in long-term-care. At times my Dad wanted to bring her home when he saw a glimmer of hope, but in his heart he knew it would be difficult to duplicate the care she was getting in the nursing home with what she would get at home. Plus the emotional toll of having her home. It was all my Dad could manage just seeing her one hour a day, at noon time when he and his caregiver would go over during lunch time, and Dad's caregiver would feed Mom. Mom no longer recognized Dad, she thought he was her brother.
I noticed you looked at yourself first as her caregiver. Then admitted you couldn't handle it. Then your second thought looked to your children. It would be so unfair to ask your children to be responsible for your wife's care. It's their time to live their lives, as you and your wife did.
Please leave her where her needs are met. Most people cry to go home. Try to change the subject.
Good luck to both of you.
My Mom too had dementia. I learned that her desire to go home was not based on her most recent home but the home she lived in as a child. Obviously, that would be impossible to replicate. It was no longer in the family! If you can, distract her from this line of thought --- tell her the buses aren't running! It's amazing how a trick like tht often works.
Since you can't take care of her, because you can't do the work of a team of trained nurses that work 24/7 at the facility to take care of your wife, it's illogical for you to bring her home. You should keep her where she gets the care she needs, at the nursing home.