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She has hearing, balance and toileting issues, as well as mild dementia. She can't be left alone for more than a couple hours, and even that is a stretch. Her physical and mental condition will certainly decline.
Thank you, medolly. Respectfully, what do you mean by " there is no such thing as an open-ended commitment"? It's clear to me that MIL will need constant care that will surely become more demanding as time passes. Do you mean that we should be expecting more help frm the rest of the in-laws? Or that we should start looking for assisted living for MIL now? Or both?
It would be best to not "expect more help" from anyone. Lots of well-meaning family say they are willing to pitch-in, until they see the frequency and intensity. You can't assume anyone into a caregive role, and they are not obligated to do so, regardless of your opiniion about it. Just read some of the posts on this forum dealing with this problem. Many loving children have burned out and had marriages and health ruined because they could never have imagined how caring for 1 person would change their daily lives. Especially if that person isn't cooperative or doesn't have enough to pay for extra help. Love and commitment isn't enough. Please go into this with your eyes wide open.
Just yesterday my 94-yr old Mom (who lives next door to me) melted a coffee carafe on her gas stovetop and then tried to put out the fire with salt. She didn't call to tell me until hours later. She insists that she didn't turn the burner on. "Somehow" just resting the carafe on the stove made it catch fire. Now I have to debate if we should cut off the gas to that stove. Dementia marches on every day and it's difficult to be preemptive enough. Bless you for your willingness!
I agree that if anyone moves, it should be her closer to you. You are correct that she will continue to decline, and profound changes like a move could hasten things. Is your home set up to allow for a walker or wheelchair? A hospital bed? Does it have stairs to get in or out or to your car? Then, she may become uncooperative. My own cousin with ALZ has refused to shower for the past year. Won't go to the doctor. And then there is the probable incontinence. Is your husband her PoA? if not, this should definitely be a condition of committing to care for her.
Please consider a good care facility close to you. At least she will have activities and other social exposure. You can keep an eye on her there and visit whenever you like.
If she is asking for you to move in with her, maybe consider a "therapeutic fib" and if you can get her to agree to move to you, have her go straight into AL telling her it is temporary until you get your home ready.
Don't do it. Get her help, get her a place to live, but do not sacrifice your life to become her caregiver. Do you have kids, grands, other family, friends, community, work, hobbies in Colorado? Are you REALLY willing to give that up to become a fulltime caregiver? Read more on this forum before you make a decision.
I’d encourage you to do some reading on this forum for a bit, there are many stories of how good intentions to help someone turned into far more, far worse, than anticipated and turned into something untenable. Unless you just want to move anyway, don’t sell your home and uproot your lives for this. My dad had a firm rule that none of his adult children could live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d watched it ruin too many relationships. The forum experience here seems to bear that out daily. I’m glad you want to help MIL, it certainly sounds like she needs it. Consider carefully what that help should look like. Keep in mind that his is about the needs of ALL of you. I wish you the best
Your profile seems to ask questions about how YOU are going to afford to care for MIl.
This is wrong.
(Profile posted here: Caring for mother-in-law, Jackie. She lives in Connecticut. My wife C. and I live in Colorado, but spend many months each year in Connecticut as Jackie and Cs' father, Larry, have both needed assitance. Larry passed away in February 2023.
Jackie now requires nearly constant attention. Jackie has, among many other issues, balance problems and has been injured by falling several times in recent years, each injury being worse than the last. She fell in late May and sustained head injuries requiring hospitalization for several days, then rehab, which is ongoing. She needs some assitance with practically all physical activities. Limited financial assitance is available from one sister-in-law. The other sister-in-law has serious mental issues that have almost completly incapacited her after Larry's death, and is unable to provide consistent, meanigful support of any kind. Other family and friends in the area provide moral support, but extremely limited support of any other kind.
My wife and i are managing from day to day, but can't seem to imagine some coherent vision of where we will be in two months, six months or six years. It's very unsettling. I have so many questions, but am often unable to frame those questions in my own mind.
The difficult questions are things like where will we live and will we be able to afford wherever that is along with the cost of caring for Jackie? The overwhelming questions arise from trying to deal with the unknown, like how quickly will Jackie deteriorate? How will this impact our marriage, my mental health, and C's mental health? We're in limbo.)
MIL's resources (SS, pension, investment income), pay for her care. Not you, not her other kids.
If hospitalized, she goes to rehab after. If it is judged as he can no longer live at home, she goes to an appropriate level of care.
No. Do not move to care for someone who's care needs will soon surpass (if they haven't already) what you can provide. It will destroy your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. It also doesn't guarantee that the care you provide will be better. Staff in facilities are trained to provide the level of hands-on care required.
If you want to move, do it but only because you WANT to move to improve YOUR life. If not, stay where you are, help your MIL find a facility that can care for her with her resources, not yours.
No. You should not sell your home in Colorado to move to Connecticut.
Your MIL's dementia is going to get worse and at some point she will almost certainly have to go into a care facility.
Better to do this now rather than later. There's no point in you and your spouse running yourselves ragged trying to keep her at home. Placement is what you should do.
Second, you should not pick up and move to her. I would move her to Memory Care if SHE can afford it. She pays for her care. If she can't, then its a nice long-term care facility with Medicaid sharing costs because her SS and any pension will be used to offset the cost of her care. If you are rich and can afford, 7k a month or more for an MC then pay but most children do not have that kind of money. They should not effect their future by paying Moms way.
I never used my money on my Mom. She went into an AL on her money, went to LTC paying privately for 2 months then into Medicaid. She paid her own way. I just cared for her. If she did not have the money, thats one thing but she did.
Absolutely not. You are giving up a life that is familiar and presumably pleasant for you to take on an open-ended job that will exhaust you, and with no end in sight. Plus adjustment to moving and living in a new area, not having your privacy, and being on call 24/7 in the home might kill you before she dies. Never ever move in with a relative in such condition. I mean, never.
You think you might need help in the home? Well, that's a problem to manage, and then you'll have other people around that you need to accommodate. You'll need at least three, possibly CNAs, coming and going around the clock. Then the physical therapists, the occupational therapists, the social workers, and if it comes to that, hospice workers - nurses, doctor, evaluator, equipment delivery, medicine delivery, and so on.
Save your sanity and find a good place for MIL to live. She'll have professional care, which is much better than what you can provide.
Like the others said , it’s already time for this woman to go to a facility . Either memory care on her own dime , or long term care nursing home on Medicaid . Do not use your own money for her care . Does anyone have POA? Who is handling her finances now ?
Cover909- your profile says you're caring for someone who is in a NURSING HOME. I am wondering why you're demanding this OP move in with the MIL who clearly has so many needs that she should be in a care facility. Why don't you care for your 'someone' in your home?
You have a life that needs to continue after hers is over. I think your post is indicative of panic thinking on your wife's part and I understand that, but it is neither realistic nor wise to sell up and move. Connecticut is vastly more expensive than Colorado, you'd have no familiarity with the area and no time to become familiar, nor would you have the support of friends beyond the family members there. MIL's friends will disappear quickly, especially when dementia is involved.
Take a deep breath and make a realistic plan. This is about helping MIL the best way possible, not about upending your lives for an unknown amount of time. When you remove upending your lives from the equation, the options become clearer as noted above.
If you choose a facility, do the due diligence online and on phone first. Pick your top 3, then spend the $ to fly there and visit these 3 in person. Once you pick one and have a timeline for the facility (there is usually a waiting list), come back to CT and move her in. Exhausting? Yes. But far less exhausting than moving there and caring for her day in and day out. Doing it this way shows you care about her, and maybe more importantly,YOU and your marriage. Best of luck to you. This is so hard.
On paper maybe this seems like not that big of a deal.
Trust me--putting your LO ahead of your needs never works well. We're involved in this right now, as DH's mother will NOT go into a NH and so she's gotten all 3 of her kids (who are 74, 71 and 67!) to take care of her 24/7. So while the 'kids' care for her, all of their LO's are suffering. (I'm one of them! The resentment I feel some days is unbelievable!)
You can manage this long distance.
And don't pay for anything. You'll need all your savings to take care of YOU.
Dumbest thing my DH and his sibs did was to NOT move MIL from rehab to a quality NH. She wanted to go home, so they made that happen. She doesn't even KNOW she IS home.
No. The cost of living in CT is MUCH higher than it is in CO. I've lived in both states, so I know. Compare the costs of Memory Care Assisted Living in both states, first of all, to get an idea. A Place For Mom can help you with that, probably.
If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Why? Do you envision yourself taking care of a human being for then next 10 years who is getting progressively worse? Mild dementia only gets worse as does hearing, balance and incontience on both ends. If you really want to be cleaning up human waste, feeding an adult and putting up with their progressively abusive dementia behaviors for 10 years - then go for it.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Wow! I pray you never get OLD! So sad, they weren’t always this way and raised and took care of our Every little whim And waste until we “moved on with our Life”, only to be left behind and visited. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak. I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc. He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving. My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago. I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL. Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it. I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
I am 77 and my husband is 82. I take care of him, but when it comes my turn, I will move wherever my family is at the time. It is not fair for the caregiver to have to move for the person who needs care. I would have her evaluated for placement in assisted living or memory care and find a place near where you live to take care of her.
NO! You will regret it and find yourself resentful and just wishing it would end! She needs to be put into a care situation while she has some ability to adapt.
Gosh, no. Why would you do that? It would be generous of you, but devastating to your own lives. If MIL already cannot be left alone, it is time for placement or in home help.
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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She is no longer independent, and AL should be considered as well.
Sending support your way!
Just yesterday my 94-yr old Mom (who lives next door to me) melted a coffee carafe on her gas stovetop and then tried to put out the fire with salt. She didn't call to tell me until hours later. She insists that she didn't turn the burner on. "Somehow" just resting the carafe on the stove made it catch fire. Now I have to debate if we should cut off the gas to that stove. Dementia marches on every day and it's difficult to be preemptive enough. Bless you for your willingness!
Please consider a good care facility close to you. At least she will have activities and other social exposure. You can keep an eye on her there and visit whenever you like.
If she is asking for you to move in with her, maybe consider a "therapeutic fib" and if you can get her to agree to move to you, have her go straight into AL telling her it is temporary until you get your home ready.
This is wrong.
(Profile posted here:
Caring for mother-in-law, Jackie. She lives in Connecticut. My wife C. and I live in Colorado, but spend many months each year in Connecticut as Jackie and Cs' father, Larry, have both needed assitance. Larry passed away in February 2023.
Jackie now requires nearly constant attention. Jackie has, among many other issues, balance problems and has been injured by falling several times in recent years, each injury being worse than the last. She fell in late May and sustained head injuries requiring hospitalization for several days, then rehab, which is ongoing. She needs some assitance with practically all physical activities. Limited financial assitance is available from one sister-in-law. The other sister-in-law has serious mental issues that have almost completly incapacited her after Larry's death, and is unable to provide consistent, meanigful support of any kind. Other family and friends in the area provide moral support, but extremely limited support of any other kind.
My wife and i are managing from day to day, but can't seem to imagine some coherent vision of where we will be in two months, six months or six years. It's very unsettling. I have so many questions, but am often unable to frame those questions in my own mind.
The difficult questions are things like where will we live and will we be able to afford wherever that is along with the cost of caring for Jackie? The overwhelming questions arise from trying to deal with the unknown, like how quickly will Jackie deteriorate? How will this impact our marriage, my mental health, and C's mental health? We're in limbo.)
MIL's resources (SS, pension, investment income), pay for her care. Not you, not her other kids.
If hospitalized, she goes to rehab after. If it is judged as he can no longer live at home, she goes to an appropriate level of care.
Who has financial POA?
If you want to move, do it but only because you WANT to move to improve YOUR life. If not, stay where you are, help your MIL find a facility that can care for her with her resources, not yours.
She can go into a nursing home. Bring her to one near you if you feel the need to visit frequently.
If she cannot afford it, she goes on Medicaid (this will become significantly more complicated if you move her to another state).
You do not pay anything for her, nor should you uproot and destroy your life for her.
Your MIL's dementia is going to get worse and at some point she will almost certainly have to go into a care facility.
Better to do this now rather than later. There's no point in you and your spouse running yourselves ragged trying to keep her at home.
Placement is what you should do.
Second, you should not pick up and move to her. I would move her to Memory Care if SHE can afford it. She pays for her care. If she can't, then its a nice long-term care facility with Medicaid sharing costs because her SS and any pension will be used to offset the cost of her care. If you are rich and can afford, 7k a month or more for an MC then pay but most children do not have that kind of money. They should not effect their future by paying Moms way.
I never used my money on my Mom. She went into an AL on her money, went to LTC paying privately for 2 months then into Medicaid. She paid her own way. I just cared for her. If she did not have the money, thats one thing but she did.
You think you might need help in the home? Well, that's a problem to manage, and then you'll have other people around that you need to accommodate. You'll need at least three, possibly CNAs, coming and going around the clock. Then the physical therapists, the occupational therapists, the social workers, and if it comes to that, hospice workers - nurses, doctor, evaluator, equipment delivery, medicine delivery, and so on.
Save your sanity and find a good place for MIL to live. She'll have professional care, which is much better than what you can provide.
PS: I've been through it. I'm not making this up.
Do what is best for everyone. Find a facility where her needs will be met.
If you wish, move her closer to you. Visit as often as you like and oversee her care.
Either memory care on her own dime , or long term care nursing home on Medicaid .
Do not use your own money for her care .
Does anyone have POA? Who is handling her finances now ?
2. Move her closer to you or in with you.
You have a life that needs to continue after hers is over. I think your post is indicative of panic thinking on your wife's part and I understand that, but it is neither realistic nor wise to sell up and move. Connecticut is vastly more expensive than Colorado, you'd have no familiarity with the area and no time to become familiar, nor would you have the support of friends beyond the family members there. MIL's friends will disappear quickly, especially when dementia is involved.
Take a deep breath and make a realistic plan. This is about helping MIL the best way possible, not about upending your lives for an unknown amount of time. When you remove upending your lives from the equation, the options become clearer as noted above.
If you choose a facility, do the due diligence online and on phone first. Pick your top 3, then spend the $ to fly there and visit these 3 in person. Once you pick one and have a timeline for the facility (there is usually a waiting list), come back to CT and move her in. Exhausting? Yes. But far less exhausting than moving there and caring for her day in and day out. Doing it this way shows you care about her, and maybe more importantly,YOU and your marriage. Best of luck to you. This is so hard.
On paper maybe this seems like not that big of a deal.
Trust me--putting your LO ahead of your needs never works well. We're involved in this right now, as DH's mother will NOT go into a NH and so she's gotten all 3 of her kids (who are 74, 71 and 67!) to take care of her 24/7. So while the 'kids' care for her, all of their LO's are suffering. (I'm one of them! The resentment I feel some days is unbelievable!)
You can manage this long distance.
And don't pay for anything. You'll need all your savings to take care of YOU.
Dumbest thing my DH and his sibs did was to NOT move MIL from rehab to a quality NH. She wanted to go home, so they made that happen. She doesn't even KNOW she IS home.
Be strong!!
If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak.
I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc.
He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving.
My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago.
I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL.
Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it.
I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.