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I just found out my sister went to my father behind my back and basically told him she can take over as power of attorney. This matter was never discussed between us. My father agreed, the state he is in, he will agree to anything- he doesn't care anymore what happens and told me so. I suggested that we share POA and she flipped on me and refuses to even consider the option. My father used to talk to me about concerns he had when my sister was acting as POA over my mom and I defended her left and right. Now, though, that she is so insistent that I not be involved it is making me wonder if I have a reason to be concerned about him too. She is not even open to sitting down with someone to discuss our options together. She is more concerned with help cleaning our father's house. It IS a disaster and I have told her I would help however and whenever it is possible. My children are both 9 and 7 and my husband works night shift and weekends, so being there as often as she can be is not an option. Therefore my contributions to some of the physical labor she wants me to do is not sufficient to her. Mind you, she hasn't even given me a key to get up there when I can, so for now, I am restricted to going when she is there. All she wants of me is the help with the house. The rest is the "easy part" according to her and she does not want or need my involvement. She is getting so angry with me about this and shutting me out, it is going to damage our relationship and she doesn't seem to care. Am I wrong to be concerned?

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In general, I think it is best for one person to have POA, with a backup. Often these are not decisions that can be easily be made by a committee. But not having an officially shared POA is one thing; not discussing and asking for input informally is something else. I'm sorry that your sister has decided to be so controlling in this role. That she won't give you a key to the house that you are supposed to be helping clean is sad. She has to expect that if she doesn't trust you enough to clean on your own as time permits that you are not going to be able to contribute much in that way. Her rules, her problem.
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She is not even adressing listing me as a back up. There were two incidents that were spoken of that was a really gray area, where she used my mother's money and I wasn't comfortable in full with it. My brother in law was working on her house and hurt his back and they used my mother's money for the hospital expenses because they do not carry health insurance. Because he was doing something for my mom, I did not question it, but I didn't feel right. I know me and my own husband would never do that. She also suggested reimbursing lost time at work for me from my mom's account. I refused it. Back then when my dad was alright (my parents's are divorced) he used to question me all the time about my sister and what she was doing with mom's accounts. And like I said, I would defend her. But now her not wanting me to be at all involved is concerning me.
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My father's attorney told us if the POA is shared, BOTH signatures are required for financial & health documents. My sister & I live 1000's of miles away so that is not feasible. Like your sister, I have POA for my father. I am responsible for his care 24/7, pay all his bills, make his medical appointments, refill & give him his meds, provide 3 meals a day & even more. This is my take. Whoever is the caregiver for that parent (& there's usually only sibling willing to do this) should have the POA. Has your father changed is POA over to your sister? And can you really trust the word of your father who has a POA because of some diminished capacity? My sister exhausted me with her constant criticisms, judgments & accusations that may be why your sister does not want you involved. So are you the caregiver? Just be ready to step up to the plate if you want POA.
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Did your mother want to pay the hospital bills? Or was she able to make sensible decisions at that point? Did she have homeowner insurance that might have paid it? Would she have been in trouble with the insurance company for having an uninsured worker on her property? I think we'd need to know the circumstances around the decision for us to judge whether that was appropriate or not. Also, many parents do compensate their caregivers (including their children) for various expenses during their caregiver roles. Some have a care agreement and pay for the caring itself. So again, it is hard to say that offering to compensate you with Mother's funds was absoutely wrong.

The amount of distrust in this situation is sad. Your father apparently did not trust his daughter to take care of his ex-wife's funds. He communicated that distrust to you. In spite of that, he let her have his POA. (Perhaps, as you say, under undue influence.) You now don't trust your sister to manage his finances propertly without you looking over her shoulder. Your sister doesn't trust you with a key to his house. Sad, sad, sad. If you both want to salvage the relationship you have/could have, perhaps family therapy could help. It doesn't look like you're going to get very far without some outside help on that issue. Your sister is going to be around long after your dad is. Would it be worth it to try to work on this relationship?

Who is seeing to Dad's day-to-day needs? Is he living in this disaster of a house or is he in long-term care? He sounds depressed. Is that being addressed? I don't know what his current state is, but dementia is progressive and it is likely he won't always be able to live on his own, if he is now. Does he have lots of resources and assets to pay for his care?

Too much unknown here to be very specific with advice. My heart goes out to you and to your sister. Caregiving an elder is hard enough, without other family conflict.s

I hope you can resolve this and restore harmony.

I suppose it would be possible to get the POA declared invalid on the grounds that he was not legally competent to make that kind of decision at the time it was made. Then what? Do you want the courts to appoint someone to look after his finances and other business issues? If he wasn't competent to appoint Sister, he wouldn't be competent to appoint you.
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Get your name on that POA and take a look at all of the bank transactions and bills paid in your dad's checking account. My So called loving brother took money as he needed it as POA and caused my mother to get a reverse mortgage when she \needed full time home care. Therefore, the value of the house is minus $350,000 because he tookmy mom's money with his name on her checking account. He even paid his car insurance with her money. I trusted my brother implicitly until I took a look at the bank records and found checks written that had nothing to do with mom. Then, after further exploration, I found cashed CD' s without my knowledge, and he insisted on my getting a 2nd reverse mortgage to further pay for mom's expenses. I confronted him, got him to resign as power of attorney and had mom revoke her original and put my name on. Look for some financial elder abuse, look for moneys used other than for your parent's best interest and there you have a case. Threaten to report that sibling and get a notorized resignation. No way should your parents money be used to pay their hospital expenses. The more secretive your sibling is and controlling, the more they are hiding and trying to get away with. I am sorry but your relationship with sibling may never be the same, but you have a right to take care of dad and to equal shares of money. Do the search, you will find more mismanagement of money. once you do, you can make her resign or you report her to the state as financial elder abuse.
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I find it so sad when siblings can't come together to care for their parents. I am the youngest and only girl of three children. I live with mom who has alzheimers so I am the primary care giver. My oldest brother and I share POA both financially and for health. We are fortunate that our concern is the best care we can give mom. We mutually discuss and work out any and all situations. I wish there was a way get all siblings to work as a team for their parents best benefit.
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I agree with thi that was posted I suppose it would be possible to get the POA declared invalid on the grounds that he was not legally competent to make that kind of decision at the time it was made. Then what? Do you want the courts to appoint someone to look after his finances and other business issues? If he wasn't competent to appoint Sister, he wouldn't be competent to appoint you. Also, I think there are laws that allow you to see your mother as often as you like; your sister appears to be withholding mom from you. Given all that you have said, i wouldn't trust sister. POA can mean that you consult with other family members. Also the fact that she won't make you as back up scares me. She is not acting in the best interest of your parent. If something were to happen to your sister there is no one to carry on the duties and that's a sad state of affairs if she won't change that. Type all these topics into google and you will learn alot, make sure to type in your state. I have POA for my mom. The only reason i am #1 is that my sister wouldn't talk to me and mom needed prompt surgery. I never have considered making all the decisions alone but this is how my sister wants it--tried to get mom moved back to sister's area and sister said (instead of helping) you have all the power you figure it out. I am so sorry that this is happening. Look into your rights to see your mom. Look into the benefits of having a back up poa. Keep your chin up if you can but i'd play my cards close to my chest insofar as it relates to your sister. I would not trust her.
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mama96, talk to your dad and ask him if he has a reason YOU couldn't share the duties as POA. I agree that only ONE of you should hold the checkbook and pay the bills, but you can set it up so that at least you can see what's going on via the computer. I share POA for my mother-in-law with one of her other sons, but I've been totally transparent so that all three sons (my husband is #3 son) have access online to see what I'm up to, since I have the checkbook and pay her bills etc. If your sister is being evasive, then that surely IS a red flag.
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Mams96, once again I say been there, done that. If sister wants to do most of it, then let her. Your first resp. is to your children and your husband. I'm not sure I would clean the house if I didn't have a key. Good grief is she going to watch your every move while you are in the house? I surely know the problem. She acts just like my sister. I do the grunt work, she tells me what to do, I do it.
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I totally agree with NancyH with one exception. If he is not competent to appoint her, he is not competent to do anything else. You need to take action NOW. If she will not share information then something is going on that is not in your father's best interest. Go to your County's Elder Care Services and have action taken to make whatever your sister is doing a matter of public record. This has to be done to protect your Dad, and the rest of your family.

This is the part of life that I cannot stand. Hateful and jealous feelings abound over a family member's estate. This should be a time for a family to come together to care for each other, not fight over who does what, gets what. These are things that I REFUSE to argue over and there should be no argument with your sister, and if there is, then she is surely up to something no good,and it must be stopped. Take action to make it right NOW.

Be Well - Sue

If your sister is not forthcoming with ALL actions concerning transactions made on behalf of your father, then she is not acting in your father's best interest, PERIOD. You must take legal action NOW to protect what is left of your father's estate.

It may be, in this case better for an outside disinterested party to be appointed as your father's advocate.
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try to get shared powers and access to online information to see what is going on. If she won't agree to shared powers be at least the back up #2 POA and access to see what is going on with accounts. If sister won't let you be #2 poa she is doing a terrible thing to your LO. If something happens to your sister, then what will happen to your mom. You can't get POA when LO is not competent and you might have to file for guardianship which i hear is not cheap!!! If your sister really has your LO in mind she would ensure there was a back up. If you sister is this unreasonable then I'd back off. If she won't give you a key to her house then dont clean her house; let her hire a maid service. Your sister acts like my sister
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It is not up to SIster to share the POA with you. It is not her responsibility or even right to see that you are backup. ONLY YOUR FATHER can make those decisions. It doesn't sound like he is up to that task, from your description.

Other things are within Sister's control. She could, if she chooses, show you how she is handling his finances. She could trust you enough to give you a key to the house. She could try to be a caring sister instead of a suspicious adversary. But she has no legal obligation to do any of these things, and I don't think you have any legal means to force her to.

But it would be good for both of you if you could heal this rift. If she won't consider family counselling for the two of you, I suggest you get counselling for yourself.
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I would be very concerned! My sister would never let me know anything about my Mom after my Dad died & she had POA, 9 yrs later we found out she was stealing from my Mom & took over $500,00- from the trust. Now my Mom is broke. I believe at least 2 siblings should have POA & be accountable to one another~
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Jeannie -

I must beg to differ with your answer about the sister's legal obligations. POAs are a legal document allowing another person to act responsibly for the person who appointed them. My Mom and Dad have given me a Financial POA to act for them, and I have given my Dad and brother a POA to act for me should I be unable to act for myself. I am also ill with a condition called Fibromyalgia and have been disabled and unable to work since 2000. My condition has been in remission (better but not gone) for the past couple of years but if I'm overly stressed or physically work too hard I sleep for 24 hrs and then am able to move again. I can, if necessary really push myself if necessary to get up and help if needed, but my parents (even my Mother) know it is better for my health to let me rest.

Anyway, all that aside, MAMs96 is legally able to demand an accounting of how her sister is conducting her father's affairs. Start with a certified letter. If she does not respond to that, then go to an attorney and have him draft a demand. I'd hate to think that those actions would not make her understand, but you can take her to court. Like I said in an earlier post, if the family cannot agree on the POAl, and Dad is not competent enough to understand what is going on (and from the sound of it, he is not) then it may be better to have an outside party (usually a bank official) act on he father's behalf. Not the best way to have things happen, but it may be necessary.

MAMs, if you cannot afford an attorney, contact your County's Elder Services, they may be able to help you.

Be Well - Sue
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You may be right, nolansk. I am not a lawyer or an expert on such matters, and I'm only going on things I've read here and elsewhere. For example, a question on the Expert Law website about how can I hold my broher who has POA for Dad accountable got this answer: "assuming that the POA is a general power of attorney covering all financial matters, there is nothing you can do to hold him accountable. If there are limitations stated in the POA and he oversteps the authority of the POA, you could file a civil action against him dealing with the specific violations."

Maybe it varies by state. I don't know! But to whom is the POA accountable, other than the person who assigns him that duty? Can any relative demand an accounting, as you understand it? Only certain relatives? What about, say a life partner? A best friend? Who is legally able to demand an accounting of how the POA is conducting the affairs?

Maybe sending a certified letter would prod someone into showing some records, so it might not be a bad tactic.





But, assuming that the POA is a general power of attorney covering all financial matters, there is nothing you can do to hold him accountable. If there are limitations stated in the POA and he oversteps the authority of the POA, you could file a civil action against him dealing with the specific violations.
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Oops ... my quoted text got in there twice. Sorry.
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wow on the part of a poa not being required to be accountable except to the person that granted him/her the poa. In my mother's case her AD has progressed so she can't even ask for an accounting. Something we should have all been told if we went with our parent for POA. I certainly wouldn't have minded providing an accounting. Trouble is being so busy with AD work and all that goes with it my records aren't exactly in order. They are here but don't know where yet.
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I think i would consider investigating if your father was competent to give poa to your sister. going behind your back sends red flags. granted she went to your father but did he even know what he was doing or agreeing to? Any wise man would have made you back up in the event something dreadful happens to your sister.
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Mams96, where do I start? This is about the dynamics of your family. Why would your father insinuate he did not trust your sister and then give her his financial POA? Why would she flip out on you for just wanting to be included in the care of your parent and have the knowledge of his finances?

I am in a similar situation. What I have learned is this. My mom likes playing these power games with her two children. My brother is on an ego trip and always has been. And I am the scapegoat of the family and always treated this way.

My advice to you is, at this point, if you are not included in at the very least calm discussions with your sister, do not clean the house or anything else. If you are not good enough to know what is going on with all parts of your father's care, then back out.

I suspect she is hiding something, or maybe she has always liked being "in control". Explain to your father how you feel and what is going on. If nothing changes, do nothing. I have tried for four years to get mom to put me on her POA as alternate in case I have to take over at some point in the future. She has only my brother on her POA and no one to fill his shoes if he dies. She refuses, even going to the point of making up lies about me as to why she won't do this.

Like the saying, "oh, what webs we weave, when we pratice to deceive." I think your sister is hiding something. Unless there is clear and open communication, back off, don't clean the house or anything else. She will use and abuse you. But like many have already said, she is in complete control and doesn't have to share anything with you. But she can be made accountable for what she spends and how she spends it. It sounds as if your relationship is somewaht like I have with my brother. As long as I defer to him and give him due respect, he is lovely. But if he is not in charge, well.......everyone look out.

In the end you have control of only you. You may not agree with me, but in my case I will do nothing until I am included and made to feel like a sister/daugher in my family. Otherwise I would feel used and that is not going to happen. Good luck.
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Also, is your father competent? I am sure he is, at least enough to decided who he wants to be power of attorney. Talk to him now, before this goes much further. Your power of attorney needs to be someone he can trust, doesn't sound as if he can trust her. Good luck
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I just don't believe that a family exists where siblings agree on everything pertaining to their elderly parents. It just doesn't make sense to me. All families have issues that resurface under the stress of aging parents and especially parents with assets.
The more assets the more conflict. I take care of my mother and I don't have poa. I think it is better for a good attorney to have the poa and be the executor of the will. It cuts down on alot of conflict and doesn't put one child on a pedestal. I have two siblings who rarely come see my mother. They tried to say both of my parents were legally incompetent. Turns out that my dad, who had dementia, wasn't considered incompetent because you could ask him a question and he knew what he wanted. I don't think it's that easy to find someone incompetent. Is there another family member that you could have handle all of this? Your health issues are soooo much more important than dealing with this junk. I'd call the authorities if you are concerned that your sister is taking advantage, but I can tell you that my two siblings believe that about me and it couldn't be further from the truth. Hang in there and remember in the end it's still just money.
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Careful, your opinion should make the attorneys out there very happy. As you know, they charge quite a bit for their services. There is an article on this site about a mother who did just that. It was a nightmare. The root of many problems on this site is the lack of communication, not money. Most people don't have that much money to fight over.
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People will fight over all kinds of stuff from pets to dishes to cars to the kitchen sink. My mother's will cost $500 to draw up and then at her death the executor, who is the attorney, will get $3000 of her assets. It's what a family member would have gotten if they had been executor. I think that everyone has to make their own choice, but I just personally don't think that family can be trusted anymore than an attorney. It's always the last one you'd expect too!
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Not worth making yourself sick over. If your sister is doing what you suspect then she will have to live with that the rest of her life. You just don't need the stress of dealing with this stuff. That's all i'm trying to say. Sometimes we have to just let things be or we'll get sucked into a maelstrom. Praying for you!
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I already have poa for my mom. do poa's get paid upon the LO death? Mom doesn't have 3k to pay me. I didn't know an attorney could be poa. i learn something new here everyday
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I don't think a poa gets paid since they are usually the same person as the executor and in our case the amount is 3 grand. My mom's lawyer tried to get me to be poa and executor but I refused since my older siblings were having issues of their own meaning bad behavior on their part and I didn't want them to think I was interested in any of my mom's assets or just generally trying to take advantage of our mother. They are fighting over a vase and some jewelry and a hanging light and some of my dad's tools. Anyway, the lawyer has both and I am his second on both. So your mom doesn't own her property? There is probably a good site that has legal answers pertaining to your state. I am in Florida. I just hate it when some family members act up. I'm the baby and I really shouldn't be having to deal with their bologne ;)
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I can sympathize with you. It is most likely a warning sign of things to come. My husband's daughter actually did this to me. Not only that, but she filled out the form and listed me as someone who could NOT be an agent - all he had to do was initial…Also, a decision was made (in my absence) that he be cared for at her house. My husband had been ill for over a year and had just been diagnosed with a terminal disease. He was vulnerable and wouldn't have held up in the courts, but I let her think she had made the world a better place by doing what she did. I asked him several times afterwards who he wanted to be POA and he always chose me. We did eventually make it official, but that wasn't until he decided to come home on Hospice. May he rest in PEACE! She and her sister will NEVER know peace again.
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So, she was the daughter of your husband? And she wanted him to live with her and take him away from you? I am sorry is is gone. My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry you had to go thru this hell when also faced with your husbands terminal illness.

This might not be the correct time to ask, but what do you mean she and her sister will never know peace again.

Thank you and hugs to you.
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She let him leave her place and return to you on Hospice? I am surprised she allowed this. I am grateful for him that he got to be at home. What an ugly mess.
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POA's have responsibilities. Unfortunately, I don't know what they are but I am sure that providing a monthly accounting is one of them. Google this for your state and find out. She sounds sneaky and coniving (sp) which sends up red flags for me. We usually are hiding something if we are being sneaky about something, .......i would keep on top of your LO's possessions and assets.
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