I have taken care of my 72 year old mom for over 5 years. She recently had two heart attacks and was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Every time I go to visit her, he hurls profanities and insults at me, insisting that I leave. I feel guilty not visiting her, but the visits seem to upset her and greatly upset me. Any advice?
Planeman
Does telephoning her work any better than in-person visits?
This has got to be very upsetting for you. Try very hard not to take this personally. The blow of the heart attacks and cancer diagnosis has understandably left her reeling. She is angry. (I would be.) It is too bad she is taking it out on you, but realize that she is not fully in control at this point.
In my own experience - an uncle turned everyone away because he didn't want to be a burden. He told the nurses there about his fear but would not tell his family. She was good enough to encourage us to keep coming back and tell him we WANTED to be there. My normally kind, quiet mom when absolutely NUTS when she had narcotics for pain. A diagnosis of lung cancer is difficult to deal with; even for a younger more healthy person there would be anger and frustration. After 5 years, you've done a lot for your mom already but because she needs you more now than ever so you both need to figure this out. If her health will get worse then she'll need help from nurses, perhaps a nursing home or rehab center. She needs their care and you DO TOO. You need to know she'll get good care so that you can rest and regroup when you're away from her - this will enable you to be kind, patient and supportive when you ARE with her.
She's lucky to have you - whether she knows it or not! Best of luck to you both.