My dad told me he was going to stay at his condo until he died!!!! Then his one day a week, relatively new in home caregiver told him he thinks he should move in with me. Now he says he should move in with me since that is what she says. He is perfectly happy barking orders at me when I am at his condo....get me more tea, put some ice in it, fix me some eggs, you didn't put salt and pepper on them (I did, dad), you didn't put enough salt and pepper on them, etc.
My dad has a walker, but has some knee problems that apparently makes walking painful. So I think he would rather sit and have someone do everything for him. For those of you who have loved ones living with you, do you jump when they say jump? How am I going to have him live with my husband and me?
Moving someone in who wants a built in servant and wouldn't even be grateful is a recipe for disaster. Think hard before making this choice, you would have to establish boundaries right from the start or years of personal sacrifice, resentment and eventual burnout are inevitable.
Assisted living paperwork is signed, with luck he'll be moved there by the end of the week. Not a day too soon!
I often say about caregiving that, by the time you get your feet under you, you're in it up to your neck. Part of getting your feet under you is learning to stand up for yourself against a tyrannical parent. But by the time you learn to do that, they've already set up patterns and expectations of being catered to and waited on. It's a lot harder to stop doing these things once the expectations and patterns are settled in.
If your father feels free to order you around now, he'll certainly feel even more free once he's a full-time guest in your house. Don't move him in unless you can establish boundaries and stick to them.
The tricky part, I believe, is that you may not mind doing certain things for them, but you do mind being ordered, and demanded, and expected to do what they want. Truth to tell, I'm still fighting this battle with my mother, constantly, and I don't live with her. If I insist that she ASK me to do something instead of TELLING me to do it, she'll say "PLEASE do it." in an aggrieved tone of voice that makes clear that she thinks I'm being a pain in the butt over nothing. She just doesn't get it the concept of asking nicely, because she truly believes in her heart that my mission in life is to do her bidding. This could be what you'll end up dealing with as well.
From what I've read on AC and seen in life, those who cater too much are trying to get a mean parent to be loving which is not going to be. More often than not, they end up loosing their spouse because they honored their parent more than their marriage.
My SIL is in such a relationship right now. He's angry and she doesn't see it.
"Dad!! What you don't use? You're going to lose. Get it yourself," oh, if I thought about it, there's nicer way to say that. BUT! Speaking as a daughter who insisted mom persevere? You will never be sorry.
I mean, don't become a Nurse Ratchett, but surely be his cheerleader...
I am here in body only which I learned to do as a child.
My sister in law keeps trying to reason with a person who sees her as still being a child and isn't a separate person. Emotionally my SIL is still in her mother's womb which my wife worked hard to get out of
I despise what emotional incest does to adult children. So much for the poem about what little girls are made of because my MIL wasn't made with those nice ingredients.
I could not stand to live that way. Very seldom, they do go out but always to somewhere that she has cupolas for.
My wife and I are back in the hotel room detoxing from today by doing what we enjoy and see no need to talk about things because this is my SIL's problem. I even told her husband tonight that this war is his wife's problem and like I learned, just stay out of it.
My dad's dad was from the coal mines of WVa and he bettered himself by graduating from high school instead of being like his drunk brothers. From there he got a job with an electric company in another state. The rest is history.
On the other hand, my mother's mom was an ophan who inherited four farms and like my dad's mom was highly educated for a woman in her day. Where she got her views of children I have no idea.